Thinking alot about my ex

LegacyUser

Hello.

So i broke up about 7/8 months ago with a girl i was with for 5 years. Basically the reason i ended it was because we were just not sexually compatable. It was tough to end it as she was great otherwise. For different reasons she just wasnt into sex as much as me. Lower sex drive, religious views etc. But we tried councelling which just didnt work. so it was either get married or end it. We are both late 30's and she wanted to start a family etc, which was understandable.
So anyway it was tough like i said, more tough on her and i felt bad for her of course and i still do. But as the title says i cant stop thinking about her. I just miss her really , her company and everything. Feel bad for her also. We dont really be in contact much, she did text me recently saying she missed me so obviously is still struggling herself.
THe funny thing is though, literally right away after we broke up this other girl came into my life . Met her at work, initially it was just as friends who talked alot but it built up and up and we are now having an intimate relationship. This is girl is one of the prettiest girls ive ever seen, she is kind, caring and the complete and utter oppisite of my ex sexually. She is wild. Its crazy. But she is also married! In an abusive relationship which she is trying to get out of , going to therapy etc, and she is very nearly making that jump too. So at the beginning i got caught up in that quite a bit, it blew me away really so took my mind off my ex. Its being going on now for a good few months . And really we only can meet up when she can get away from him, so an hour here and hour there. But it gets tiresome so she either has to leave him soon which she is close to doing or we have to end it. Its kinda like the way it has been up to now is running its course and needs a new lease of life.
But my mind seems to alway drift back to my ex. And im not sure what it means. Did i really love her. I dont want to have made the biggest mistake of my life. Am i still missing her alot because i cant really focus properly on this other girl because of the situation? Would it be different if she was properly single? THere are times when i have been really loved up with this other girl but like i say my mind seems to drift back to my ex. ITs quite bad at the moment. Im really missing her. Im trying not to contact her because it would only make things worse maybe. I dunno. Maybe its what it would mean too, the chance to settle down with someone, get a house etc etc. But the issue would still be there. Could we resolve it.
Ok sorry this has went on a bit! Just looking for advice really or anything at all.
Thanks!

dellas1979

Of course you can miss someone and even think about them. Its usually in an idealistic way though.

The best relationships are where you are both on the same page with needs and wants, and where not, compromises are reached.

Could you compromise (alone/by yourself) a need you have (sex) for the rest of your life to suit someone else's needs?

PS: I feel your confusion is attracting the wrong situation for yourself (a confused guy and a married woman). You know no good can come from this.

Calypso Realm

OP-What you're describing here is typical of what happens with rebound relationships! When you 'dived' straight into the new relationship, you never gave yourself time to process/experience the feelings etc associated with the break-up. You were essentially numbing the pain by distracting yourself with this new liaison. But you can't run away from your emotions forever and as you're finding now they're catching up with you! This is usually what happens-very often at a point when the 'gloss' of the new RL is wearing off. All of the above is testament to the fact that rebound RLs rarely ever go the long haul.

Beyond that only you can decide if you want to give it another shot with your ex. Personally I would advocate some time being 'single' again before deciding on your next steps.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. A rebound eh . Funny that never even crossed my mind. I wasnt intimate with the married girl for about 2/3 months after we broke up. It was just chatting alot in work. But i suppose she was flirting with me alot so did take my mind of the ex. I dunno. I dont think its what a typical rebound might be but yes i get the idea allright. She is leaving her husband now as it happens.
Its a bit **** if its just hitting me now about my ex! Like we just broke up last week or something. Mind works in funny ways.

Labcoats and Running Shoes

anxious34 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. A rebound eh . Funny that never even crossed my mind. I wasnt intimate with the married girl for about 2/3 months after we broke up. It was just chatting alot in work. But i suppose she was flirting with me alot so did take my mind of the ex. I dunno. I dont think its what a typical rebound might be but yes i get the idea allright. She is leaving her husband now as it happens.
Its a bit **** if its just hitting me now about my ex! Like we just broke up last week or something. Mind works in funny ways.

Definitely a rebound. I broke up with my long term girlfriend at the start of August 2016, thought "sure I was thinking about whether we should break up since March so I've already come to terms with things" when I started dating a girl in October. In retrospect, I hadn't dealt with anything, I was just enjoying living the single life. If I had taken the time out I might've seen all of the red flags about that relationship flying in my face. It was a horrible situation and it really messed me up. Took about 7 months for me to get to a place where I could date again.

Also, your rebound girl is really going to need to spend some time getting counselling and working on her self esteem once she leaves her abusive husband. The worst thing you could do for her is to get into a relationship with her straight away.

heretothere

I'd be very wary of going into anything with a married woman. She says he's abusive and maybe he is but you're only getting one side of the story. It sounds like ye both filled in a bit of a gap for each other in a difficult time but maybe you should step back from her for a while.

I think there might still be something there with the ex. Whilst I still sometimes though about my ex (who I had also been with for 5 years) I certainly never missed him to the point where I'd have considered getting back together with him. You will have to think really long and hard about what you do want from a relationship.

It is very possible that the perfect woman is out there who is a combination of what you loved in your ex and the sex drive of the woman you are having an affair with. But do not approach your ex unless it is to properly get back together. If she is still missing you and she is in her late 30s hoping to start a family soon she is trying to pull herself back together in order to get back 'out there' ASAP and doesn't need to be set back only to discover a few months down the line, no it really is over. She probably feels a touch inadequate too, that because of a lack of sex drive on her side the relationship has ended. That's how I think I'd feel.