Brother lying to parents

appletara

Hey guys - looking for some advice please. Long story very short , my brother would not be the most honest person in the world- he tends to lie about silly things always has done even when we were children. He gets by on his sense of humour but underneath he is very untrustworthy and I hate even knowing that as I love him a lot. Problem now is that he is due to Graduate with degree this year..... or so he would have us believe. However... I now know the signs when he is lying and am 99% sure that he dropped out of college last Xmas. He has been on about working on his thesis etc yet nobody has seen it and I’ve asked a million times... always an excuse, likewise he won’t discuss graduation and has gone out and got a full time job in a restaurant. There are other things that have happened that convince me he will not be graduating I just can’t go into too much detail. The problem is my parents, they think he is over this lying thing and are utterly convinced that their son is graduating therefore very proud and telling everybody. I know my bro and he will keep the lie going to the very end then come up with some disaster that happened that prevents him from attending graduation. He’s a bit of a Walter Mitty to be fair. Question is - what would you do? He won’t admit the truth and my parents excitement and pride is building - how long can I let this go on and how can I get him to come clean?

Conservatory

Why’s it your problem? Concentrate on making your own achievements.

Rachiee

It sounds like while you have doubts you dont have proof, id stay out of it, its not much to do with you anyway. Your parents will cope

appletara

Conservatory wrote: »

Why’s it your problem? Concentrate on making your own achievements.

It’s not about achievements mine or his!! it’s about my parents waiting and excited for something that isn’t going to happen. Dropping out of college would never be a problem in our house but continuing to lie and take money from folks for college when you are not going is a problem .... it’s a con

Conservatory

appletara wrote: »

It’s not about achievements mine or his!! it’s about my parents waiting and excited for something that isn’t going to happen. Dropping out of college would never be a problem in our house but continuing to lie and take money from folks for college when you are not going is a problem .... it’s a con

Water always finds its own level. Don’t worry about it and time will sort it out. What are you doing to improve yourself?

appletara

Conservatory wrote: »

Water always finds its own level. Don’t worry about it and time will sort it out. What are you doing to improve yourself?

Not interested in some late night Argument from a bored poster. I’m seeking advice on how far to let this lie go on knowing that my parents will be very hurt, nothing else about me is any of your business.

punisher5112

Honestly just speak to him and say you are there of he needs to talk.

Leave it be then.

If it is the case he has dropped out it may just be he isn't the academic type and let him find his own way.

Your parents may well know or are totally blind but deep down I'm sure they can read him too.

Best of luck to him and you start looking after number 1 which is you.

appletara

punisher5112 wrote: »

Honestly just speak to him and say you are there of he needs to talk.


Best of luck to him and you start looking after number 1 which is you.

Thanks for that , Would you let it go right up to graduation date ? I know him he’s a compulsive liar and he’ll let this go to the very very end. Talking is something I try and have tried for years but it really is a compulsion to lie, he lies about completely unnecessary things we can never understand why but suffice to say I know he’ll never admit the truth! there’ll be a major catastrophe on the day of graduation that prevents him from attending- I can guarantee that.

unattendedbag

You could say it to your parents that you suspect he may have dropped out bit have no proof, and just leave it like that. If he doesn't come clean and proceeds with the lie right up to the graduation then it might cushion the blow a bit for your parents when they eventually realise the truth.

appletara

unattendedbag wrote: »

You could say it to your parents that you suspect he may have dropped out bit have no proof, and just leave it like that. If he doesn't come clean and proceeds with the lie right up to the graduation then it might cushion the blow a bit for your parents when they eventually realise the truth.

That’s kind of what I’m thinking at the moment - as I said the not graduating isn’t the problem it’ll be the lies told that’ll hurt. Cheers

Arrival

Sounds like a cowardly scumbag, I hate people like that. I'd confront him about your suspicions but don't be aggressive about it, simply explain that you had a funny thought about him possibly dropping out and lying to everyone about it for months and how ridiculous that would be and the damage it would cause

cintec

The college will have a graduation ceremony, even if he doesn't attend you can get a copy of the booklet it will have a list of names for everyone graduating.

wiggle16

unattendedbag wrote: »

You could say it to your parents that you suspect he may have dropped out bit have no proof, and just leave it like that. If he doesn't come clean and proceeds with the lie right up to the graduation then it might cushion the blow a bit for your parents when they eventually realise the truth.

^^^^^ I second this.

Obviously you are better placed to know this, but it is entirely possible that only one of your parents is completely convinced and the other shares your suspicions but is keeping quiet for the same reason.

It's unlikely that if this has occurred to you, that it has not crossed one of their minds at some stage - but it's the scale of the lie, it's something almost too big NOT to believe because of the effort involved in keeping up the pretense. Which puts you in an awful position - if you accuse him of lying about something like this you come off looking worse because it's hard to believe anyone would lie about something like this and manage to keep it going for so long. Yet at the same time at some stage the mask is guaranteed to fall, ie, graduation day.

In your shoes and with your brother's history I would tell them how you feel and gauge their reaction. You may not get the best response from them at first but come September/October and there's no PhD to be seen, you will have softened the blow for them.

I'd be inclined to leave it at that, if it's just that he's lying and doesn't know how to stop. But if he is taking money from them then that's a different story.
Do you know of any of his friends who are in his (supposed) course or college? I used to work for a university and graduation is almost an industry in itself - if he is going to graduate, he will have received a glut of information about graduating and a ton of junk mail about it (photographers, gown suppliers etc), especially around this time of year.

Universities generally publish booklets listing every person who is due to graduate on a particular day, even if they will not be attending. If you can get your hands on one of those and his name isn't on it, then he is definitely not graduating.

I feel very sorry for your parents if you are correct. As well as being hurt by his deception, they are going to feel very embarrassed and foolish if they have been beaming about him to everyone for the last few weeks, for nothing.

K_P

unattendedbag wrote: »

You could say it to your parents that you suspect he may have dropped out bit have no proof, and just leave it like that. If he doesn't come clean and proceeds with the lie right up to the graduation then it might cushion the blow a bit for your parents when they eventually realise the truth.

I agree with this. You can't force your brother to own up to the truth and it sounds like if you confront him then he'd double down on his lies as a defence. All you can do is try and prepare your parents for the inevitable.

baby and crumble

I will say I had a similar situation with my brother- not that he had droppped out but that he didn't have the money to pay off his library fees so until he did he coudn't graduate. My dad booked flights etc to go over to the UK for the graduation and everything. My brother only told him the week of the graduation that it wasn't happening. I mean he still graduated but he didn't get the ceremony. My Dad was PISSED, and he slightly took it out on me as I was living at home at the time. I had figured it wasn't my problem to tell my Dad etc, but my Dad took another view.

I don't know what good that story does you but just be careful this doesn't all unravel and you get blamed somehow, because it's not your fault. I find the "sensible" sibling often gets blamed for the actions of the others.

appletara

Good advice all and thanks for that. The story will unravel at some point I guess, it's really hard to watch my parents getting exited and even planning events around it when I know it won't happen. Of course, I am not 100% sure as I haven't heard it from the horses mouth but I never will either, there is a small chance that I'm wrong and honest to god I've never wanted to be so wrong about something in my life. The lying completely baffles me it's constant, as I said it's over the smallest of things & things that really don't require any explanations etc, the hanging onto the lie is the other issue, I mean really I have stood in rooms with him knowing fully and proving that he is lying about something and he will just adamantly stick to his lie no matter what, you end up thinking you're going insane, he has never once admitted to anything, he'll just disappear until the fuss has died down. It's so bloody annoying especially when he's brilliant in other ways and a lovely man - this part is such a let down. Thanks again all

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LazySamaritan

appletara wrote: »

Hey guys - looking for some advice please. Long story very short , my brother would not be the most honest person in the world- he tends to lie about silly things always has done even when we were children. He gets by on his sense of humour but underneath he is very untrustworthy and I hate even knowing that as I love him a lot. Problem now is that he is due to Graduate with degree this year..... or so he would have us believe. However... I now know the signs when he is lying and am 99% sure that he dropped out of college last Xmas. He has been on about working on his thesis etc yet nobody has seen it and I’ve asked a million times... always an excuse, likewise he won’t discuss graduation and has gone out and got a full time job in a restaurant. There are other things that have happened that convince me he will not be graduating I just can’t go into too much detail. The problem is my parents, they think he is over this lying thing and are utterly convinced that their son is graduating therefore very proud and telling everybody. I know my bro and he will keep the lie going to the very end then come up with some disaster that happened that prevents him from attending graduation. He’s a bit of a Walter Mitty to be fair. Question is - what would you do? He won’t admit the truth and my parents excitement and pride is building - how long can I let this go on and how can I get him to come clean?

Have you told your parents what you think?

wiggle16

baby and crumble wrote: »

I find the "sensible" sibling often gets blamed for the actions of the others.

Truer words never spoken!

December2012

Can you contact the college? Say you are trying to confirm graduation tickets or something like that?

appletara

December2012 wrote: »

Can you contact the college? Say you are trying to confirm graduation tickets or something like that?

I did think about it but (1) I doubt I’d get any info and (2) I’m actually so sure I’m right that I almost don’t want that final confirmation... I’m holding onto a sliver of hope that I’m completely wrong on this. Somebody mentioned college friends etc - he doesn’t ever speak about any and he shut down all social media accounts about a year ago.

BettePorter

I know u said he's got form for this kind of behaviour but this is a pretty big lie.... probably the biggest to date so perhaps hes privately in a state about it. So maybe instead of telling the folks or just waiting for the bomb to implode you should go to him and say calmly ...look I know that you're not graduating next month... u should have just told me and we'd have worked through it.

It's done now. Offer support rather and criticism. What's the point. I'm sure he has enough regrets for the both of you. He probably feels sick enough already about what's coming.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

I find the "sensible" sibling often gets blamed for the actions of the others.

+ 1 I've found this well. My brother was slacking off, doing nothing in college and my dad gave me grief for how lazy he was being. Sounds daft but parents can be weird like that.

I can understand why you are concerned your parents might be setting themselves up for embarrassment etc etc so I would just be up front with your parents and say you are worried he has not been 100% honest with them. They can either ignore you or look into it themselves but at least you've made them aware. Speaking to your brother is a waste of time as he'll just double down if he is lying.

SouthernBelle

December2012 wrote: »

Can you contact the college? Say you are trying to confirm graduation tickets or something like that?

The college won't give out information to a third party.