Let down by spouse

LegacyUser

I realize from the outside this might seem like a minor problem. But it was and is v important to me, and I'm finding it difficult to let it go or move on.

Recently we got married, and in the buildup to the wedding all I wanted was one song played during the night that I've loved since a child. Not everyone would like it or even know what it is. I knew it might get a few confused looks etc. I talked about it with my spouse and agreed as long as she was there for it, it would be great. And I knew a few other's who know me well would be there cheering me on. This was discussed for several months prior and I asked her several times will she really/please be there to the point she was like of course I will, don't worry.

Anyway, day came, song came on during the night, I got really excited, I even grabbed the DJs mic and told everyone to get on the floor. The friends and family that knew me well were there and I was basically the only one dancing in a huge circle of people cheering me on, grabbing random ppl and family that knew me and the song. It was amazing, but after about a minute/90 secs I started to ask where my spouse was, I thought she would have made it from wherever she was. About another minute later, she was finally heading towards the dancefloor when the song ended.

I was devastated, I know that's a big word for a seemingly small situation. But it's the truth, I had been building it up for months (really probably my whole life), and I was sure she would be there. And the moment was gone, it would never ever be repeated ever again, it was a once in a lifetime chance for something like that, everyone was there for us and were happy to indulge me the song and moment.

I'm finding it tough to move on from the let down I'm feeling. It turned out she was simply talking to people and got stuck talking to another person when she moved towards the floor. She's a very polite, in the moment and social person (very not shy), so she didn't want to be rude and didn't just say I have to go, bye! But it really grates on me that the importance of the moment to me didn't override that, given that we had discussed it for months.
These traits have led to other minor issues similar to this in the past, but they all pale in comparison. I don't think it will be the last time something like this happens either. But the traits are what make her, her and make her such a happy positive nice person, so I don't really want to change that. So I know this might be something I have to accept is a side affect.

I know I need to move on really and accept it happened as what else can I do? But everytime I begin to talk myself into moving on, I start to remember just how important it was to me, and how much we talked about it prior, and that there will never be a moment like it again. And I just can't fathom how anything else could come before trying to be there with me during that song.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, another perspective or opinion might help?

Cheers,
Stuck

Dial Hard

stuck_7 wrote:

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, another perspective or opinion might help?

This is the biggest non-issue ever.

I've spent five minutes trying to add something to this post to make it seem a bit less... bald, really, but I couldn't come up with anything. Sorry.

Propperson

Hi OP,


If I am reading your post correctly you are annoyed because your spouse was too polite and didn’t want to be rude to a guest at your wedding so she could be present to watch you dance to a song you love? If this is the biggest problem you have with your partner then you are a very lucky man. I am sure she didn’t do it maliciously nor deliberately and I can’t even believe that you can’t let it go?


Part of life is accepting that sometimes things happen that are beyond our control and to dwell on them unnecessarily is pointless, especially if you can’t change the outcome. Talk to your partner and tell her how you feel to get it off your chest and then perhaps at the next family party ask for the song to be played and dance to it with her present then.


Life is too short to focus on the negative and in the total scheme of things this really is a small issue. If you want to have a long and healthy marriage then some things will have to be forgiven and compromised on to survive and thrive.

Good luck to you both and congrats.

beertons

In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

giveitholly

If it meant so much to you why did you not wait til your spouse was by your side before the song was played

Loveinapril

Propperson is right. I know myself after planning a wedding that it can be disappointing for things not to go as planned. You spend so long imagining the most perfect day with perfectly timed memories and when that happens you can feel let down. But try to remember that it was just a day. One day in yours and your wife's lives. You need to let your disappointment go. The song can feature in tonnes of new memories.

bee06

Marriage is all about how you let these little things that annoy you aside because you love your spouse. Take this as an opportunity to put this into practice.

Neyite

Mod:

A reminder - no you-tube vids allowed. Also a reminder for everyone to be helpful constructive and kind to OP's.

GingerLily

You poor wife - it's very unfair that your holding a grudge over something so innocent. You should have told the DJ to wait and not demand she run to the dance floor - how rude

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

MissElle

I feel sorry for your wife tbh. Having just got married myself a few weeks ago, I know some things don’t always go to plan. However If you really were so fixated on this song being played and the whole moment around it, you should’ve organised it better. Maybe made sure your wife was around before the song started or agreed a set time for the song to be played. You are blaming your wife for not being around when it seems to me like she tried her best to get to the dance floor without appearing overly rude etc. I think you should focus on the good parts of the day like marrying the person you love! And as another poster said you can always incorporate the song into other memories

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses, both helpful and critical.

I debated posting it because I knew it would be difficult to explain from the outside. Maybe I shouldn't have. It was a little raw at the time and I was trying anyway to cope.

I'm not holding a grudge, and when it was played wasn't planned. My wife is a great person, certainly I'm a lucky man and we're lucky to have found each other.
That doesn't change the disappointment I feel that we missed this together, I'm not holding it against her or angry because that would be silly, I just still feel disappointment that it happened. Having discussed it with her for months I'm just struggling that it wasn't a priority, the other way around it would have been for me. It's especially relevant given other situations which I'm not going to spend essays explaining. Anyway all I can say is it meant/means something to me.
But yes we are different people and that's the way it is, our differences are a good thing, even if lead to frustrations at times.

Saying all this, we've been talking and working through it and it's getting better, as I knew it would, but I still wanted to attempt to get external advice because I do care and want to move on.

We'll work it out and its certainly not going to ruin.a great wedding, we'll make good memories with the song and move forward to have a great life!
Cheers,
Stuck9

Ursus Horribilis

Is this another wind-up? Seems to be the season for it.

Anyway, if I had been your wife (what's with this cold "spouse" business anyway) I would have done the exact same thing she did. Are you seriously suggesting she should've abruptly cut short her conversation with the person she was talking to and blanked anyone else she met on her way through the crowd? Just so you could have your cheesy moment in the sun. I doubt anybody apart from you noticed or cared that she wasn't by your side. If this song was that important to you, why couldn't you have pre-arranged when it was going to be played and had a signal for the DJ.

dudara

@Ursus - less of the comments please. If you suspect something, don’t comment on it, but report instead.

Thanks
dudara

retro:electro

I’m sorry but I find your post a bit embarrassing to be honest. Jesus. It was her wedding day too. You had a whole circle of people around you watch you dance to some inane song and got the hump that your wife’s eyes weren’t on you too? :rolleyes:

John Hutton

Wow people are being very harsh.

I think were the OP is coming from is that if his wife went on for months and months about some detail about the wedding to the extent that it was crystal clear it was of great importance and significance to her he would not have missed / ruined it by chatting to someone else at the moment in question.

This was obviously something of great importance to the OP.

It's ok to be dissappointed by this OP, but as you say your wife wasn't being bad by missing it, just too nice!

However, there's not much you can do about it except try to incorporate it into some other occasion. Why not your first anniversary? Have a nice day for that with just the two of you. Why not make dancing to this song an annual tradition on your anniversary?

It would have been nice to have had it at your wedding but you have it now for the rest of your lives which is the important thing.

G-Man

Marriages are constant work.. And compromise..

That said I do understand your disappointment, but put it behind you...

Also...you really should have primed the best man... To ''surprise'' you when he seen it was right time and people there.

Flippyfloppy

It's 100% not your wife's fault. At weddings, when the music comes on, the bride and groom get to talk to guests. You can't just run off in the middle of talking to someone ,likely about an important topic, because of a song.

The whole thing is a moot point. It should have been organised down to a tee. Anything like that at weddings needs to be. You should have taken it seriously if it was that important, and arranged for it to be the first song on after the DJ break, or after the first dance. You, or a member of the bridal party should have been the one to 'steal her away' from whoever she was talking to. That's what your meant to do. You didn't even send anyone to get her. Or prearrange the time with any fore thought.

You need to take a step back from this situation and put your big boy pants on , and see this situation for what it is if I'm honest.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah it sounds like it was something that YOU planned for months, but then didn't communicate the plan to the people in involved. You could have asked the DJ to have the song lined up, and given him the nod when to play it. Your wife was talking to guests who took time out of the lives at great expense to be at your wedding. A song is a few minutes long. She was making her way to you on the dance floor in a very short window of time, and didn't get there in time. That's not her fault. I can only imagine the anxiety she felt in her stomach knowing that this was a big moment for you and trying to get there for it, but being polite to people who you invited to be there. And then you effectively ruined the day by making a big issue out of it.

You had this moment built up, but you didn't execute it very well. I understand the disappointment, but I don't see how you can blame your wife.

Guffy

No one else is curious as to what the song was?

woodchuck

OP I understand that you're disappointed. However your wife didn't let you down. You let yourself down due to poor planning. As others have said, if it was that important to you, you would have arranged a set time and made sure your wife was around before it started playing.

stuck_7 wrote: »

Saying all this, we've been talking and working through it and it's getting better

What on earth is there to talk and work through though?? I'm assuming she had a very legitimate reason, such as talking to a relative and it being rude to run away mid-sentence. You should really be making it clear to her that it was your fault (due to poor planning), not hers.

stuck_7 wrote: »

We'll work it out and its certainly not going to ruin.a great wedding,

You should be focused on your marriage now, not the wedding. Do you really want to start your married life together making her feel bad over something that was in no way her fault?

MarcusP12

Guffy wrote: »

No one else is curious as to what the song was?

I'm curious too! But I think keeping in the spirit of the forum I think what's more important is "why" the song is of such significance to the OP. I think he'll struggle to get much understanding and constructive advice beyond "cop the hell on" unless people understand why this is so important to him.

Currently the way it sounds is, OP wanted to do this one thing and made a big deal about it on the run up to the wedding...assumed his wife to be had attributed a similar degree of importance to it (along with other minor stuff like dresses, mass booklets, flowers, wedding invites, venue, menu, seating arranges, etc! you know the actual important stuff!!) and expected to all work out as it had in his head. But it didn't and instead of focusing on all the other wonderful aspects of the day/event it appears from this thread that all that the OP can remember the day by is a hic up over a song that only you know the significance of. I'm sure your wife understands the significance but if you want some proper advice, we need the context I think.....I know you don't feel like you are and are not intending to, but the issue makes you come across as a bit self indulgent and in my experience, the only one who can get away with that for a wedding is the bride to be! That's a half joke by the way....

I think you need a bit of perspective OP because if this is the kind of thing you're struggling to move on from then I really fear for your relationship when a real crisis comes along....and it will! Every marriage has them.....

FizzleSticks

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dellas1979

Having expectations is one of the worst thing a person can have.

You'll always leave feeling disapointed.

The person/day/situation will NEVER live up to what you have build it up to be in your head.

Manage your expectations. That's nothing to do with her. You own that mate.

Now, if you said she'd fecked off an was no where to be found, after telling her how important it was to you, fair enough. She was trying to get there. Different story.

And I would echo what someone else said, if you want to push things (disappointment etc onto other people), how comes you didnt plan it better to have her beside you when requesting the song?

Keyzer

Dude, get over yourself. You'd swear you caught her in bed with the best man...

Seriously, get a grip on yourself. This is a total non-issue.

GingerLily

For our wedding there was a song very close to my husband and his school friends, I told the school friends to organise themselves and got the DJ to live up the track, then when everyone was ready told the DJ to play the song, it took minimal actual effort and everyone was there.

Its a pity you didn't think this through, you really need to take responsibility for this.

LegacyUser

Seems to surprisingly be a divisive issue.

As some have correctly summarized, there was something important to one half, conveyed to the other. It could have been planned better etc. etc. but it wasn't, and the way it was planned and agreed to happen didn't work out. It ended up causing disappointment.
The song itself doesn't matter and it was the significance of it in our relationship. Everything is relative and it would take too long to explain lifelong and relationship long significance.

Those admonishing me and telling me to get over myself/get on with it should seriously reconsider if they should be on this forum giving "advice", negative condescending comments don't help anybody.
I genuinely care and I don't choose the way I react to things, so was trying to use any resource possible to move on and let go of the disappointment.
Remember when you read a person's issue it's relevant and personal to them, it might seem "stupid" to you from the outside, but there's a reason they came here.

Anyway thanks to those that offered constructive advice, I agree it is something that can be let go, life is too short, and new memories with the song will be made in what I know will be a great marriage.