Not Interested in Relationships

LegacyUser

I am a 23 year old female, whose never had a bf, never had any willing forms of sexual contact, I have literally only ever madeout with strangers, I am unwilling to share contact details with these people (which pretty much never happens anyways and when they do theyre drunk and its a matter of any hole is a goal) if they ask and on the rare occasion I do I never/barely respond. TBH I have no real interest in having a relationship, I see most men as unattainable people far out of my league that I couldnt even consider developing a crush on, or that I am not attracted to them. I've never had a real connection with any male outside my family...I dont meet guys with the intention of this could be relationship material, its quite the opposite, in that a relationship with anyone is unfathomable.

Not to float my own boat but I am a pretty awesome person! I am super nice, friendly, generous, understanding, enthusiastic, laid-back and super positive, maybe a little weird for some but your flaws are part of who you are right. Unfortunately my looks do have some massive room for improvement :P I dont have any real desire for a relationship but I look at certain people who I know who are never not in a relationship, and sometimes their personality leaves a lot to be desired, and I just wonder how can these people that are sometimes very mean/needy/etc be in serious relationship number 5, and I wonder why (not desire, just wonder) Ive never actually just had it sort of happen at this stage in my life (yeah I know based on my above info I push people away, but Ive known people to do the same but yet they still end up accidentally in relationships). I joined tinder once cause my friends pressured me into it and just chatting constantly seemed like effort I didnt want to do. I was actually texting a guy who I was slightly considering sleeping with just to get the virginity thing out of the way (I didnt fancy him) but a mutual friend told me not to go near him with a barge pole.

Anyways, surly this isnt normal, I get sexual urges but I think I am just used to suppressing them at this stage. I was wondering if maybe I have a messed up brain. I had a pretty horrific childhood that was full of psychological and physical abuse daily (not sexual) right up until said parent died when I was 18. I have managed to block it pretty much all out but when I told a counselor just a handful of the things I could remember she ended up crying :P I am talking pool sticks, tin whistles, force fed spiderwebs, kicking, punching, biting, etc for the most basic things, eg strangled for not getting said parent a hair scrunchy quick enough.

I wasnt allowed have a social life for the most part, I went to my best friends house once in the entirety of secondary school and she never got to come to mine. Everyday was a battle. And whilst this is soooooooo not a part of my life anymore, it barely passes my mind at all ever, but maybe I have trust issues or something because of this, I've had every mental health problem under the sun since this (depression, self harm, suicide attempt, anorexia, bulimia) my doctors say that childhood stuff is probably why I developed the above disorders I never seen the connection. Im totally fine now tho for the most part and am not seeking medical advice, just looking for peoples thoughts/advice.

Thanks

Jenneke87

When I read your story at the beginning I thought;" Most likely has a bit of low self-esteem and needs to stop thinking so bad about herself". Then I read the last paragraph and I was like: Holy ****! I'm not in the least bit surprised you don't want anybody around you. Your parents treated you badly, I mean, they force fed you spider webs, beaten you and what else. You may not see it but I think your GP is very much right when they say that your disorders come from your very terrible childhood. Personally I think that your lack of desire of a relationship or believing that any guy is out of your league is your rationalizing things so that you don't have to form attachments and run the risk of getting hurt. If you don't let them in they can't get to you, right?
I think a relationship is the last thing you should be going after. You very much need help yourself first to deal with your childhood trauma's. I believe you should definitely seek counseling, and if all goes well you may find your attitude towards relationships change as you find yourself changing and healing. I wish you all the best

leggo

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Personally I think that your lack of desire of a relationship or believing that any guy is out of your league is your rationalizing things so that you don't have to form attachments and run the risk of getting hurt. If you don't let them in they can't get to you, right?

Yeah, playing amateur psychologist, I thought this exact same thing reading your post (and as I was reading it I kinda felt that you were going to speak about something like that).

Ultimately, though, if you do seek counselling to deal with it, do so in your own time. It's only a problem if it's a problem really. On one hand you say you're fine day-to-day with all that's happened you and the fact that you're not seeking a relationship doesn't seem to actively bother you. However if it does so, if you're lonely and looking to change your circumstances, or if you try it out and find that you run into a wall somewhere along the line, then counselling would be the way forward. It'll take a lot out of you to dig up all this and resolve it, so like I said do so in your own time if you start feeling unhappy, wanting to change your circumstances but perhaps feeling at a loss how to.

Until then, no it's not strange that you haven't had a relationship and there's nothing wrong with you. In fact you seem really admirable from your OP alone for what you've come through and to be able to be so frank and honest.

heretothere

I'm so sorry to hear all of that happened to you your parent sounds awful!

I think you seem to know what your issues are, everyone is always a huge advocate of counselling, I'm much more of a work it out yourself person. I'm not saying counselling doesn't work, it's just not my cup of tea so don't let people force you into going.

That said you sound like you have a wonderful, positive outlook on your life now. Your past is what made you who you are today. Keep getting yourself stronger with every day that comes and work on you. What you like, what you want to do in life, where you want to go and what you want to do.

I think it's very understandable that you don't want to have a relationship. Someday it might happen just work on you for now. You're old enough to decide what you want to do, but really think about loosing your virginity to a stranger/ not someone you love. It's a hugely intimate thing and it would be nicer to have that experience with someone you care about.

Pentecost

I normally don’t post on this forum but I just wanted to write a quick post to say how sorry I am to hear how you were treated growing up and to encourage you to talk to a professional about it. As a guy, nobody I know including myself (especially) deserves to be put up on a pedestal or considered out of your league. They won’t all be interested, no two ways about that it applies to all but a very few people, but the right person for you will appreciate you for everything you’ve got going for you. Over and out.

happycharm

Oh my god, this is that saddest thing ever!

Please just be gentle with youself.