Warning: Fibre Sachets

Pintman Paddy Losty

I'm a fairly hefty size of a man. Decided it was high time I lost a bit of weight (Myself and the lads "golfing" trip is coming up and decided to trim up for the birds). Main problem is I've a big apetite and love my spuds and rolls. I was told that getting a load of fibre in to the system is the way to go as it leaves you feeling fuller longer and helps with digestion. I bought meself a large pack of fibre sachets that you drink with water. I was in a hurry so decided to take much more of the sachets than recommended. Was quaffing two satchets in water with every meal. In fairness they were working great for the apetite as I definitely wasn't as hungry as normal. Problem is the digestion part didn't seem to work. No sh1t the first day.

Decided to plow on with the regime. I was definitely losing weight and eating less. But still no sh1t 2 days later. Kept going. 5 days later and still no sh1t. Started to get a bit worried at this stage. On a friends advice I got up that morning. Drank a glass of prune juice, had a double espresso and smoked 2 Benson&Hedges one after the other. Started to feel a rumble in the guts. I made a burst for the throne room. Planted my arse on the seat. Still felt very blocked up but there was a massive amount of pressure on my badge. Managed to squeeze out a bit of gas. It was the weirdest fart I've ever let. It made a loud whistling noise and the smell was like a decomposing roadkill badger. Vile stuff. Then the gas stopped. Full blockage but the pressure was still on.

Felt like I was sh1tting out a small family car. A hard dry solid mass of feces. Another fart came out that was so vile I reckon it did damage to the ozone layer. Then small perfectly round nuggets started plopping out at high speed causing the toilet water to splash back up and tickle my arse. The smell was atrocious. Vicious noxious gases nearly made me pass out. The flatulence sounded like Nazi gunner firing off belts of rounds trying to repel the allied adnvance on Omaha beach. At this stage most of the stuff coming out isn't even digested. It's just flying out forced by the fibre gas.
After an hour it seemed to be finally over. I'm shivering and crying. Both legs collapse as I try to stand up. My belly hits off the bathroom tiles and force out one last trumpet of gas like a final warhorn. I go to wipe my hole and get a carte blanche on the first go.

All in all I found them great for losing weight and feel fully exorcised of all demons now. However, care should be taken when using them.

Have you any other foods that had unintended consequences for you?

Hande hoche!

Last time I had a protein bar it produced gas that would make Bashar al-Assad jealous.

JohnnyFlash

I’ve a weakness for those sausage rolls you get in the deli in Centra. Absolutely disgusting and of the worst quality imaginable, but 4 or 5 of them go down a treat when you’re hanging after overindulgence in Uncle Arthur’s magic medicine the night before.

Couple of hours later and it’s a definite that you will have the badge perched over the throne as you squirt out a wallpaper glue type substance. If wallpaper paste smelt like death itself

I’m no scientist, but I’ve also noticed a strong correlation between potato types and shîte types. A floury spud leads to a floury shīte. A watery spud leads to a watery shïte. And a waxy tuber leads to a waxy shíte - those types that involve a huge amount of paperwork to get right.

Mint Sauce

$h!t post.

o1s1n

Why did I read this just before lunch? :mad:

Good old Paddy, still as full of crap and hot air as ever he was.

I bet your famed golfing trip is no more than you and half a dozen hairy backed middle aged fat bastards playing soggy biscuit, drinking pints of Budweiser and telling each other really sh*t jokes.

Here’s the obligatory

JohnnyFlash

JayZeus wrote: »

Good old Paddy, still as full of crap and hot air as ever he was.

I bet your famed golfing trip is no more than you and half a dozen hairy backed middle aged fat bastards playing soggy biscuit, drinking pints of Budweiser and telling each other really sh*t jokes.

Here’s the obligatory

Bit harsh no? You sound like a very clogged up individual. Perhaps a good shîte would lighten the load, both physically and emotionally?

Slideways

I bought a bag of salted pistachio nuts. In the shells as ive been informed a scientific study found you ate less if you had to shell them. Pure nonsense.

Demolished the entire bag on a road trip to Bunbury. On the return journey a few hours later had the staccato of wind that I feared would damage the upholstery in the ute..

Ended up having to go bush as there was no way i could possibly make the next servo. It came out like silly string. pungent silly string. Had to use a sock as i had to bog roll in the cab. It was pure carnage

Never again

McMurphy

As a result of anti biotics, i was once left so clogged up inside that I was subsequently prescribed liquid laxative, a very syrupy sweet sugary type, hard to describe.

Anyway, it worked. Boy Did it work.

Clearance was a success, but I was left with shocking heartburn at night, and a dull aching pain in my belly every time l ate, or felt hungry.

Turned out, I apparently must-have expelled the acid from within my gut along with the other waste, resulting in a stomach ulcer.

It'll be Cullens pear cider from Aldi next time I need a clear out, that stuffs 10 x times more effective than senokot, and at least you get a bit of a buzz from it.

artanevilla

What's the name of that lad that was banned? He loved these threads.

Birneybau

You'd miss old Flutterin' Bantam

harry Bailey esq

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Felt like I was sh1tting out a small family car.

That's harsh. I came in from the pub on St Stephens night a few years ago and ate a full joint of roast beef and a loaf and a half of bread. 5 days without a shyte. I started getting rumblings at about 11.40pm new years eve. Like you said it was like a small car. A hatchback model, as it was a wedge kind of shape. By jesus it hurt me. It also had the dual honour of being the last shyte of 2015 and the first one of 2016. Tough times.

Birneybau

artanevilla wrote: »

What's the name of that lad that was banned? He loved these threads.

Coincidentally, I posted his name below your post

circadian

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Have you any other foods that had unintended consequences for you?

After weeks of eating the spiciest foods imaginable in northern Thailand and Laos I decided to go for a French roll from the market in Luang Prabang. Delicious, full of lovely fresh herbs and vegetables. Herbs and vegetables that were most likely washed in the local river. The Mekong.

About an hour after eating the roll, I was standing on the balcony of my hostel room enjoying a strong coffee and cheeky smoke, had a little rumble in my stomach. Thought nothing of it, everyone gets that from time to time.

BOOM! The entire contents of my insides exploded into my shorts and the floor behind me. Rinse and repeat for the next 24 hours including a 3 hour death defying bus journey and some immodium.

Pintman Paddy Losty

JayZeus wrote: »

Good old Paddy, still as full of crap and hot air as ever he was.

I bet your famed golfing trip is no more than you and half a dozen hairy backed middle aged fat bastards playing soggy biscuit, drinking pints of Budweiser and telling each other really sh*t jokes.

Here’s the obligatory

Good lad.

Nothing wrong with a hairy back young fella. The birds over in Portugal prefer a man to a boy. Gives them something to hang on to when the jackhammer is pounding!

Grayson

Guinness.

riffmongous

Johnny Dogs wrote: »

As a result of anti biotics, i was once left so clogged up inside that I was subsequently prescribed liquid laxative, a very syrupy sweet sugary type, hard to describe.

Anyway, it worked. Boy Did it work.

Clearance was a success, but I was left with shocking heartburn at night, and a dull aching pain in my belly every time l ate, or felt hungry.

Turned out, I apparently must-have expelled the acid from within my gut along with the other waste, resulting in a stomach ulcer.

It'll be Cullens pear cider from Aldi next time I need a clear out, that stuffs 10 x times more effective than senokot, and at least you get a bit of a buzz from it.

Sounds like you need a reverse faeces transplant

http://www.bbc.com/news/health-43815369

Grayson

circadian wrote: »

After weeks of eating the spiciest foods imaginable in northern Thailand and Laos I decided to go for a French roll from the market in Luang Prabang. Delicious, full of lovely fresh herbs and vegetables. Herbs and vegetables that were most likely washed in the local river. The Mekong.

About an hour after eating the roll, I was standing on the balcony of my hostel room enjoying a strong coffee and cheeky smoke, had a little rumble in my stomach. Thought nothing of it, everyone gets that from time to time.

BOOM! The entire contents of my insides exploded into my shorts and the floor behind me. Rinse and repeat for the next 24 hours including a 3 hour death defying bus journey and some immodium.

Actually that reminds me of a guy who has the sh1ts during a three day tour of the salt flats in Bolivia. It's something that a lot of tourists in Bolivia experience. On the third day of the tour we visited some volcanic mud pools. He looked at the ground and just said "In Bolivia even the earth gets diarrhea

artanevilla

Birneybau wrote: »

Coincidentally, I posted his name below your post

The very man.

Snake Plisken

Brilliant OP this is the kind of thread After Hours was meant for!

Malayalam

I know it's childish but I do laugh at scatalogical tales.

JohnnyFlash

Pintman, how's the sherrif's badge after disposing of all that bumbilical cord?

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Pintman, how's the sherrif's badge after disposing of all that bumbilical cord?

Badge is in pristine condition at the moment from a cleanliness point of view. The detritus was not waxy or sticky at all and each round ball seemed to just pop out with no remnant left behind.


However due to the sheers size and volume of the ejected cargo things are not as they should be in that department. In times things will heal but its reminiscent of a burst bag of blood oranges at the moment. I have been liberally applying sudocream to the whole area to try and take the heat out of it.


Any advice on recovery operations, Johnny?

oneilla

Johnny Dogs wrote: »

As a result of anti biotics, i was once left so clogged up inside that I was subsequently prescribed liquid laxative, a very syrupy sweet sugary type, hard to describe.

Lactulose

suicide_circus

"Carte Blanche"


:pac:

Aglomerado

suicide_circus wrote: »

"Carte Blanche"


:pac:

Shart blanche?

super_furry

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055573707

fizzypish

I've only shat myself 4 times in my adult life. I say that proudly.  I am only responsible for 3 of them.

#1 & #2: The Laurence of Arabia affair
Suffering a simple stomach bug and finally after 2 days of vomiting and dry retching I finally managed to hold down water. I was watching the above mentioned movie enjoying the lack of pain I was going through. I felt a little rumble in my bowels and deviously smiled as I prepared to enjoy a little fart. It wasn't a fart. Showered and re dressed myself. 5 minutes later, did it again. I claim no responsibility for #1, that was illness. #2 was my bad....

#3: Guinness
Great night was had. Nothing embarrassing or strange. Got home. Watched the dawn rise from the kitchen window eating bacon and cabbage. Finished and strolled down the hall to bed. Walked past the bathroom, felt a little fart brewing and let it go feeling content, forgetting that Guinness turns all stomach contents to liquid and let a little shart run down my leg. This one was totally my fault.

#4 Expiry dates are for pussies
Had a Muller fruit corner in the fridge for a while. Spotted it was out of date (bout a month). Peeled back the foil. Seemed like there was a watery layer over the yogurt. Had a little taste, seemed fine. **** it says I, shur twont kill me. Queue 6 hours of stomach cramps and vomiting followed by a fart that this time I triumphantly knew was a **** but was too exhausted to move. I just sat there and let it happen. I also don't consider this my fault but seeing it in print is making me reconsider....

Hammer89

I once had to take a sh*t on the bus before. Well, not on the bus, but I was on the bus and needed to go for a sh*t - and badly - is what I should've said. It was a 46a and I was nowhere near my destination, and it was too early to pop into a pub somewhere along the way, so I had to improvise. I pressed the 'Stop' button on the bus, negotiated the stairs with the speed of a child on Christmas morning, and asked the driver to let me off at an undesignated resting point. "No can do pal. This isn't a bus stop," he goes. "I appreciate this isn't a designated set-down and pick-up point "pal" but I'm about to sh*t all over your passengers. I'll turn this 46a into a 75 and have it smelling like sh*t quicker than you can say diarrhea so do me and these poor c*nts a favour and open the door."

Eventually I coax him into letting me out. I'm walking along the path, analysing my options. I can either pull my pants down and go right here, right next to the dual carraige-way; I can cross the road and go on the grassy area which separates both roads on the dualer; I can climb over one of the gates of one of these Foxrock mansions and ask the trophy wife if I can destroy her bathroom. None of these sound like very appealing options to me, but just when I'm giving up hope, I encounter a little alleyway which leads into some posh estate. I know if The Southside People ever got wind of what I'm about to do in this estate then house prices here would plummet, but I didn't give a f*ck.

Most estates have a field of some description, so I walk around for a minute until I encounter it and, believe it or not, it has a bushy, wooded area which would conceal the act. "I'm not going to find a better place than this," I think to myself. Better yet, the path had already been cleared for me. I got the feeling I was walking into a base, because my friends and I used to have similar meet-up spots. I'm not sure kids these days scout around their area for bases on account of Playstations and iPhones and things which generally force them to spend their youth indoors for the most part. Or maybe they'd seen what I did in their base and thought 'What's the f*cking point?'

Anywho, there's no time for a foxhole because the closer you are to relieving yourself, the more you need to go for some reason. I unbuckle my belt, pull trousers down, kick my bag out of the blast radius and go. There's a fart noise, followed by a bit of an ominous splash, followed by a smell so horrible that I'm not sure words can possibly do it justice. I specifically remember not passing a single solid, and being too afraid to look down at the mess I'd created. I looked down eventually and it honestly looked like somebody squirted brown sauce in the same location for about an hour. It was nearly the same colour as the muck.

I pulled my pants up without wiping because a) there was nothing to wipe with and b) this day was already a write-off, so f*ck it. I re-emerge from the bushes and perform a quick scan of the area for witnesses and I see an Au Pair of some description, bringing some kids to school. "I'd have to kill all three of them," I think to myself, before deciding that I hadn't really done anything majorly wrong, and therefore nobody need die.

JohnnyFlash

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Badge is in pristine condition at the moment from a cleanliness point of view. The detritus was not waxy or sticky at all and each round ball seemed to just pop out with no remnant left behind.


However due to the sheers size and volume of the ejected cargo things are not as they should be in that department. In times things will heal but its reminiscent of a burst bag of blood oranges at the moment. I have been liberally applying sudocream to the whole area to try and take the heat out of it. And as you know yourself, sometimes you can’t beat a good shíte.


Any advice on recovery operations, Johnny?

No real advice for you, Paddy. You seem to have a more in-depth knowledge of this than me. You could set your pocket watch to my bowel movements to be honest. Within 10 minutes of my breakfast (mug of pitch black coffee and 2 Marlboro reds) I’m frogstepping it into the cubicle to exorcise the shït demons of last nights dinner.

Minimal paperwork or advanced cargo shipping techniques required. Get plenty of salad, plums, brown bread and spuds into you. Will be sluicing out footlong logs with minimal effort.

Esel

An old saying I heard from my father:

There is no-one as powerful as a man sitting in his own shíte. *



















* Think about it - would you go anywhere near him?

Brendan Bendar

One small bit of advice to those who ‘contributed’ here.

Do not apply Sudocrem to the balloon knot .

My experience is that she will take on a color similar to a Passat brake light and be weeping and stinging for two to three days.

Savlon I find is much more benign and easy on the dump valve.

Now I’m not a doctor, just recounting personal experience.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

One small bit of advice to those who ‘contributed’ here.

Do not apply Sudocrem to the balloon knot .

My experience is that she will take on a color similar to a Passat brake light and be weeping and stinging for two to three days.

Savlon I find is much more benign and easy on the dump valve.

Now I’m not a doctor, just recounting personal experience.

Seems like good advice, Brendan. I’d also suggest one avoids consuming large quantities of short-dated Eastern European lager. Very acidic and leaves the tea towel holder as red as Brian Cody’s face.

Doctors room ghost

What happened to the bantam.

Esel

Shat himself inside out.

Brendan Bendar

Esel wrote: »

Shat himself inside out.

Probably did, in fairness.

Was a real afficianado of the thunder pan.

Apparently was prone to gannet down cans of short dated lager which led to a rather volatile bilge pipe and was constantly being ‘caught’ in situations where one might be holding a big fella on the clutch,overdoing it,and ending up piping out showers of slurry instead of thick solid rounds.

Chain fire, I think he referred to it as.

A legend, in fairness.

PandaPoo

Goodfellas used to do a nacho fella pizza, it had nachos and jalapenos on it. I would eat it regularly because it was delicious, but the next day I would be sh*tting lava and sweating on the toilet.

No wonder they stopped selling it.

JohnnyFlash

You’d think he’d know when he needed to be near a boom box. Let’s be realistic here; the average human adult male shouldn’t be filling his crackers with gouts of hot, peppery midden more than once a year at the very most. The fûcker must be off his trolly on gargle if it was happening regularly. Probably one of those short little fûckers in a pair of shiny mustard ‘comfort stretch’ slacks.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You’d think he’d know when he needed to be near a boom box. Let’s be realistic here; the average human adult male shouldn’t be filling his crackers with gouts of hot, peppery midden more than once a year at the very most. The fûcker must be off his trolly on gargle if it was happening regularly. Probably one of those short little fûckers in a pair of shiny mustard ‘comfort stretch’ slacks.

Spot on I’d say, John.

Probably had a draw string sphincter, badly perished and loosened by the passage of chods like pregnant otters and balancing jumbo stools ribbed with onion and scotch bonnet chili on a dodgy clutch.

Enough to loosen any sphincter, one would opine.