difficult father

LegacyUser

I used to get on really well with my Dad but recently our relationship has become so strained and I don't really know what to do. He's getting older, which may be part of the problem, but I don't want to look back when he's gone and think about how I avoided spending time with him or soured our relationship.

He's a very old-fashioned, conservative man and he seems to believe he is 100% right about everything all the time. He's a stickler for rules, manners and etiquette, though can obviously be quite hypocritical. For example he cause annoyance at a family gathering for my uncles birthday recently because we were having a pretty formal sit down meal and my dad was serving. He kept serving my uncle's wife first (because the rule there is women are served first in order of age/importance, only when all women have been served do you start with men). My aunt kept saying to serve my uncle first as it was his birthday and my dad kept insisting that as the "wife of the guest of honour" she should be served first. My aunt thankfully backed down but my mam later had to smooth things over.

He is also really pedantic and will interrupt a conversation to correct you even if it has no bearing on the conversation whatsoever. But god forbid you correct him or tell him that he is wrong. Or even tell him you already knew something (in a nice "Oh yeah, I heard about that." way)! He'll snap back with "sorry I'm just a boring old man!" He always talks down to us (especially my mum) but if you call him out on it he says that he's being attacked. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells and not allowed to have an opinion unless I can 100% back up that it's true.

My poor mother is (not entirely blameless, she has her faults too obviously) at the end of her tether too. She says since he retired he's become so difficult that she spends a lot of time alone in her room reading. There is such tension between them and they never address any issues. When anyone in our family argues the response is "lets just calm down and pretend talk about something else" so everything festers.

I'm going home this weekend and I'm dreading it. I don't really feel like I've explained the atmosphere at all in the is post but it's just stifling. I recently moved home to be closer to my parents and now I find I'm trying to avoid them.

orthsquel

notofften wrote: »

She says since he retired he's become so difficult that she spends a lot of time alone in her room reading. There is such tension between them and they never address any issues. When anyone in our family argues the response is "lets just calm down and pretend talk about something else" so everything festers.

How long has it been since he retired? Does he keep in contact with any of his former colleagues? Anyone retiring needs an adjustment and needs to have a plan. Did he ever speak about "when I retire, I want to do......" ? Did he have any plans, and do you know if he has followed through? It's possible that now he's retired he's not feeling the same level of respect and usefulness he might have got while working. And if his behaviour has changed since he retired, it could stem from adjusting, or from feeling useless and unimportant.

Do you know what the day to day routine is like at home? Is your mother approachable in talking about the day to day stuff your dad does, if he goes out to coffee with old friends, stuff like that?

I wouldn't confront your dad because I suspect it will end badly.

wiggle16

What did your da do before he retired? Depending on what he worked at, could this have been the way he behaved at work, and now that he's retired he's carrying it on at home?

If he had a job where he was in control, people listened to him and deferred to him or it involved a lot of attention to detail... then, without getting all Freudian about it, the pedantry and stickling for *his* rules sound to me like he is trying to emulate that at home - so he's not really adjusting to being retired. Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like it could be the root of it.

Firstly: your mother needs to find a new way to deal with him that doesn't involve becoming a recluse in her own home or pretending she isn't unhappy.
Talking down to you both sounds to me like the worst part of it. You need to nip that in the bud and have a proper talk with him about it (or do your best to). That's a very hard behaviour to change because he thinks he's doing you a favour by correcting you and it boosts his ego.

Secondly: your father needs something else to direct his energy and pedantry towards, if this behaviour has only arisen since he retired. A hobby, a course, anything. That carry on would drive me to distraction.

LegacyUser

OP - the description of your father reminds me at least in places of my father in law.
He would also hold very conservative views but I've known him now for 25+ years and actually with life wisdom it's not his views which are actually the problem for me. It's precisely what you mentioned about interrupting, eggshells and a feeling of control.
His former occupation would definitely have been in the territory of having perceived power and control. However, I personally feel that some personalities are drawn to some occupations like this. (obviously a small but not negligible percentage of them !)

There's a wider context in my case as I sadly believe that my wife has learned behaviour from growing up as the eldest daughter and I find myself coping with similar interactions with my wife. Walking on eggshells, difficult to have a flowing conversation without feeling judged or as if she wants to interject and disarm me when I'm merely making casual conversation. I recall the first times meeting my future father in law and I saw that he made very oblique put downs of people in dinner time conversations. I found it odd at the time but I actually realise that over the years I just blanked it out and it's like being a frog in a slowly boiling pot of water. It's so easy to just normalise their behaviour which is anti social and quite controlling.

I totally empathise with your situation. You have a natural empathy for your mother also as she probably has lived a hard life putting up with his negative behaviour patterns which I suspect will involve snide put downs as par for the course. I think it shows that you are an astute and sensitive person for having picked up on it. It's very hard to advise as leopards don't change spots when they get to that age. I think you should be thankful that you escaped picking up on similar behaviour patterns - cos your empathy shows that you are unlike him in that way at least. Out of interest where are you within the order of siblings ages , roughly ? I've this theory based on seeing my wife's youngest sister that the younger siblings escape the clutches of control with such individuals. I recall specifically my father (when discussing a forthcoming family wedding) openly lamenting that his youngest daughter was basically "her own person". That actually shocked me to the core.

Some people struggle to adjust to retirement - teachers and managers seemingly find it hard to go from being in charge and busy to not.