Can I be annoyed with him?

sothatsthat

I am really frustrated with my husband! I'll be honest, I have a bit of a drinking problem. One glass of wine easily turns into a bottle. And for a while I was trying to hide how much I was drinking. In case anyone is wondering, we don't have kids.

In the last 4 years I have lost both of my parents, and a sister. All well before their time and in tragic circumstances, especially my sister. It has been a very stressful time. I also got sent on a secondment which entailed a huge commute. So I had been hitting the bottle to unwind (aka live in denial).

In around February I said feck this I need to deal with my grief and frustrations in a much better way. I basically let a switch flip in my mind that I was denying myself my own happiness, which I really was.

I started drinking a lot less, eating better and doing some pretty hard exercise classes. It's been amazing the difference in me. My husband says I am the light bubbly person that I used to be.

Then, 3 weeks ago at a family function he behind my back said that my drinking was out of control and he didn't know what to do. He also said he doesn't want to be married any more but has since said he meant absolutely none of this that it was all drink.

My family have gone into a flurry of 'needing to talk to me' and grilling me over everything. They are trying to force me into counselling, nothing wrong with that it's worked for some of them but I am really more of a work through my own head sort of person. I know what the issues are. One family member however, decided to absolutely tear me to ribbons. That they weren't stupid they knew I had been drinking etc and what a tit I had been at xyz. About 80% was true some parts just not true at all. But all of it was completely blown out of proportion. I apologised for anything I had ever done to make him uncomfortable; mostly I can just be a bit fried with drink saying cringe things I don't get aggressive. Also he's no saint at least I have never made a show of myself in public most people I meet socially would be surprised to hear I drink too much at home.

He has made me feel about 2 inches tall. He tore apart my personality, I know had let things get out of hand but it never changed the core of who I am, which most people would say is quite a caring, compassionate and empathetic person. He basically said I was a self centred b*tch that didn't give a sugar lump about anyone bar myself. I have been told repeatedly by the others this is simply not true and that he was being a d*ck.

I was doing really well with everything but between the majority of my helpful family and the mean one I am completely collapsed under the pressure of everyone grilling me constantly! They won't believe that I had been doing very well and they need to ease off. Its the pressure of everyone piling onto me now that is suffocating me.

I don't live in my home town and only go home for family occasions so to be fair they wouldn't have seen how well I am doing in my day to day life.

But to my main question, I am fuming at himself!! Why on earth did he have to say that, and now. I feel that if he hadn't said anything my family would have eventually seen that I had coped onto myself. It all feels like it was for nothing now and I'm so annoyed.

Mr. Incognito

Hes your husband and he loves you. He has had to put up with you slipping into alcoholism and saw you turn a corner.

I suspect you were drinking quite heavily at this family function and he feels like the recent turn of heart was wiped out.

If I was you I'd commit to giving up alcohol, totally for 6 months.

Until then I suspect his frustration is justified even if it was put across in a cruel manner.

Sunflower 27

I'm going to presume you on benders wasn't pretty and I'm sure you said/did hurtful things.

I'm sorry for the losses you have had to endure and it's great you have managed to get a grip on things. However, it doesn't mean the slate can be totally wiped clean.

No doubt your husband felt a serious amount of pressure helping you and keeping quiet and he just blurted out how he felt when he thought he had a sympathetic ear. Perhaps there were times when he couldn't deal with your drinking and he did want to end things?

Did you ever talk with him about what your drinking was like for him?

skallywag

The above point is quite valid. OP, were you drinking heavily at the function?

Most people with serious drink related problems will also passionately claim that it 'never changed the core of who I am', etc. In reality this tends be far from the truth though.

sothatsthat

No I wasn't drinking heavily as it was out in the public eye. I only tend to get drunk when I am at home.

No I can't imagine I was always the nicest person to live with probably the last few years between commuting (which I quit), grieving and then the drinking my sex drive had gone through the floor. I think most of my personality did remain the same, but you're right I couldn't really know that. He is the main one that would have had to deal with lethargic, no fun wife. I did try to arrange special weekends away, but after the last one where after a huge meal and having a drink he decided to point out I had put on weight! I had put on about 10lbs (gone again now with the exercise) I didn't organise any surprise weekends for him again and he's never organised one ever. I digress, I am just trying to say that while I was in my huge slump for want of a better word I did recognise it and did try to make it up to him.

leggo

I’ve been with a problem drinker and, truth be told, at times I felt so helpless I was tempted to turn to family and friends in the hopes that it would snap them out of it. So I sympathise a bit with your husband.

You speak of your issues very much in the present tense. But are you also aware that denial is a symptom of your problem? You seem quite willing to project your blame and issues onto your husband while using the (very real) stuff that led you here as an excuse. The reality is that this problem began with the drinking. You’re not posting here if that wasn’t a factor.

Another symptom of problem drinking is blaming everything but the booze, which is what you’re doing: it’s the grief, it’s your husband, it’s this, it’s that. No. It’s alcohol. Alcohol is what is doing this to you. You probably are a really good person and doing your best, but alcohol is not your friend, it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It’s causing you distress and has you in PI giving out about your marriage. Don’t even blame yourself, blame that. And get rid of it from your life. If you can’t, then you need medical intervention. You may need rehab. Everything you’re saying and doing it’s textbook alcoholic behaviour here. I’m just thankful you can at least put pen to paper to admit it.

Your husband probably could’ve reacted better to your drinking issues, but that’s a reaction to your actions caused by drinking.

Sunflower 27

sothatsthat wrote: »

No I wasn't drinking heavily as it was out in the public eye. I only tend to get drunk when I am at home.

No I can't imagine I was always the nicest person to live with probably the last few years between commuting (which I quit), grieving and then the drinking my sex drive had gone through the floor. I think most of my personality did remain the same, but you're right I couldn't really know that. He is the main one that would have had to deal with lethargic, no fun wife. I did try to arrange special weekends away, but after the last one where after a huge meal and having a drink he decided to point out I had put on weight! I had put on about 10lbs (gone again now with the exercise) I didn't organise any surprise weekends for him again and he's never organised one ever. I digress, I am just trying to say that while I was in my huge slump for want of a better word I did recognise it and did try to make it up to him.

You were grieving and alcohol became your crutch as it likely lessened the pain at times. I think we can all understand why you went down that path.

Drinking can bring out the absolute worst in people and it is possible dealing with an alcoholic partner was very difficult.

The weight comment, while cruel, msy have come from a place of wanting to hurt you as he felt you were hurting him.

A weekend away was never going to make everything ok, although I can understand why you organised them.

You are both human and liable to make mistakes. Personally, I feel both of you have had a hard time. From his perspective, it's not easy to watch someone you love in emotional pain, making things worse by drinking to excess and then denying it.

mickuhaha

I would say that it seems that from your point of view you are trying to change things for yourself on the Qt since last few months which is important but from your husband's point , he hasn't noticed and he has had to deal with it all himself for the last few years . Can't expect him to believe all of a sudden you have changed for the better and no need to be concerned. It will take a few years of good behaviour before his view of you changes. What he did from your side seems unfair but he needs help to cope as well. He might have other issues that are going on in his life that he feels he doesn't have anyone to talk about with. maybe he is missing having you there for real contact. Maybe he wants something else.Firsto talk about the issue your having with alcohol and agree on the plan going forward. Then find out what other issues you both have personally and together and talk them out. Remember going forward anything you agree on that you don't follow to the letter will mean a great loss of trust.

DaeryssaOne

I don't have a lot of advice for you OP but I just wanted to say I think you're really brave for admitting that you have a problem with alcohol and fair play to you for stating it here. I'm sorry to hear of the terrible loss you have gone through and don't blame you for trying to get through your grief with alcohol.

In defense of your husband, it sounds like you have had this drinking problem for about 4 years and you have been trying to get healthy for about 3 months when this incident occurred. Similarly to you I quit drinking this year so I understand how much you would be relying on your partner to be your champion and support this healthy new direction but you must also consider it from his side. It's still very early days and this may not be the first time that you have said you would 'cut down'. He may have wanted to let off steam and while he should have spoken to you directly if he was annoyed and not your family, it may be time to look at yourself rather than just be upset with him.

To be blunt cutting down alcohol is never really enough if you think you have an actual problem. The only way to do it properly is to actually quit. As I read elsewhere, if you need to limit yourself as to the type / quantity of alcohol you're drinking then you have a real problem and that problem will only be fixed by actually quitting.

Communication is really key here, it may be too far past the point for you to sit down and talk about it rationally together and I do think a counselor would be a really good idea here. Either as a couple to discuss the effect both your grief and your problem drinking has had on you both as a family or on your own to deal with these issues.

When it comes to the other family members, you say you don't see them that often - they don't know how it's been for you and your husband and their opinion can't be fully accurate as to how 'changed' you are (both the nice ones and the mean one) it's only you and your husband who really know the answer to this. Best thing you could do now is knock the drinking fully on the head and concentrate on you and your marriage.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you think your husband should have kept his problems and worries bottled up so you could save face at a family get together. but he was in a bad place and was reaching out for help. Your alcoholism has caused him pain, and damaged your relationship.

Perhaps you have managed to turn a corner in your relationship with alcohol without quitting altogether, or getting formal help etc. But do you think that has restored all the goodwill in your marriage, and deleted all the worries your husband has?

Alcoholics are often described as selfish, and you have been selfish, causing pain to your husband. You should treat this as a wakeup call to see how much damage has been done, and how you need to work with him on your relationship to bring it back to a healthy state.

jk23

Don’t give up what you are doing. Keep doing the exercise classes and try to do something you enjoy rather than drink. Maybe talk to a good friend about how you feel and leave what happened with your family and your husband in the past.

The only way you can show them you are back to yourself is by keep doing the things that are helping you get back to yourself.

fatherted1969

Unfortunate that you were on the way back from rock bottom (well done for that) but it sounds like he was suffering greatly unbeknownst to you in that period.

Why would you be annoyed with him if you say you yourself said things when you were drunk that you didn't mean ? Maybe that night was the straw that broke the camel's back for him

Best of luck with your recovery

sothatsthat

Thanks every one. A lot of good advice there. I didn't lose his trust in a day so I won't get it back either.

I spoke to him last night about how he had felt about my drinking. He said his biggest concern is my health. That now I am 'fairly normal' when drunk just act tipsy, you'd know I had been drinking but you wouldn't think too much still in general grand. He said the worst time was when I was doing the commuting. 14-16 hours away from the house every day between the commute and actual work. He said that was awful. I'd come home like a zombie, straight for a drink and the couch and completely zone him out. Due to contractual restraints I couldn't leave that job at the time but the second I did because I know I was a miserable person to be with and around.

I never intended to hurt him. It just annoyed me that he chose then to tell everyone, not when I was actually in the throws of drinking most night. As far as his family are concerned he is off the cigarettes, I really doubt he would like me to tell his parents he still smokes about 20 a day. Especially if it was after he had done something to change his habit. But I need to just put distance between that and move on again. I haven't bothered doing exercise at all this week because I have really not been in the humour for it but next week I will kick myself in the arse and get going again.

I have hated all the concerned conversations, and looks. I am the sort of person that keeps their issues to themselves so I don't like everyone that because of a drunken comment from my husband it gives them the right to try and crack me open and have a look inside. Just leave me to myself and I'll pull it back together when I am ready, not because someone else tells me I should. Call that right or wrong I don't know it is who I am and how I have dealt with every situation in my life. When I was all but forced to go to counselling after a rape it did more damage than good, for me anyway. Pulling up stuff from years ago that I had found very nice little boxes for inside my head and put to one side. Why on earth do you need to accept everything that has happened to you. There are things that I will never accept so for that reason I tuck them away, that what they don't bother me and I don't bother them.

SusieBlue

Your husband loves you. He wouldn't be saying these things from a bad place. He would be saying them out of concern.

My mam has quite a bad drinking problem and your OP reads like something she'd write after one of the many interventions we've had to sit her down for, to try to get her to see sense.

You both sound like you've had a hard time, but this is a crossroads. Your husband sounds desperate. You can try to finally get this under control, or you can let it continue to worsen.
I appreciate you've made some efforts recently and you should be commended for those, but honestly, loving an alcoholic is so hard.
For the sake of your marriage you need to get this under complete control and abstinence is the only way.

leggo

OP the ex I spoke about used to speak very similarly to you. I’d try to explain to her that I liked to talk about things because I got to a point (similarly drink-assisted) where I realised that I would react to these things that I thought were dealt with one way or another, so by drinking or lashing out at people or by shrinking away as a person. The benefit of learning to talk was that at least in doing so that way I could control how I dealt with stuff in my own time.

I’m not saying that talking is the only solution, many people find other ways of dealing with bad stuff that leads them to live happy, fulfilled lives. But functional alcoholism isn’t a solution either. I liken it to shovelling dirt on a problem and just burying it underneath more problems. The problems are all still there to be dealt with and will build up one day, drinking just helps you forget them temporarily. Helps you run away from them. But they’ll always catch up with you even in the most unexpected ways. The only cure for grief, for example, is to grieve. To be heartbroken and let it all out until there are no more tears to cry and you’ve nothing left to do but move forward. And it sucks, there’s no two ways about it, but going into denial or running away from it behind drink won’t make it go away either.

I empathise a lot and feel for you though, OP, and I admire your ability to speak so candidly on here. I hope you find your way to move past all of this.

skallywag

There are other threads already existing that you can use for such topics, here for example ...

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057875435