Should I be hurt

LegacyUser

Hi there

Just a little background, I am a single Mam, separated with three kids in mid 20's, all doing well thank god, one slightly better than the others but he worked hard so deserves it, the last one just hitting their teens still at home.

I work four days a week, six hours daily for minimum wage, was made redundant during the crash and found it hard to find work and accepted this job despite the low pay.

So in a nutshell, I dont have a lot of money left over each week, I do my best, pay my bills and luckily enough do not owe money for loans just normal bills and car expenses, food etc.

My ex still paid maintenance for our last kid, the rest are over the age and self sufficient now but he was made redundant just over a year ago and decided to take a year out to himself. Thats not where the issue lies, but he informed me last week because as he is now in receipt of social welfare that he wont be paying his maintenance anymore, its court ordered so another story.

Where the problem is he has told me two days before its due, I have that money allocated for putting a roof over mine and my childs head, towards our bills, food etc and my wages pay the rest with just enough to last on for that week.

I had to take a day unpaid to take my child to an appointment so already down a days pay so I am rightly screwed, I time my payments with my income dates etc so being so stuck I had no option but to ask for help so I turned to my son who I felt might be able to help me.

I asked him could I borrow 300 for a couple of weeks so I can clear the bills due the end of this week and would pay him back quickly.

He replied he would only give me 100, not that he doesnt have it but thats all he would give.

I feel so incredibly small by this, he has no reason to not trust me, I borrowed in a rush from him once before and it was paid back within five days.

I have a mix of emotions right now, I am hurt, shocked, disrespected in a sense and feel really let down as technically this wont make a dent in what I need to pay.

Should I feel like this as I know he has absolultely every right to say not if someone asks to borrow money from him but as his mother, Im just surprised he would see me stuck

wiggle16

Hi OP

While your son has every right to refuse to lend money, I completely see where you are coming from. It sounds like you worked hard when he was young to support him and gave him the opportunity to get where he is today (I assume this is the son who did well for himself?), and all else being equal, in your position I would feel very let down too. I cannot imagine refusing a loan to my ma if she needed it and I had it, but maybe that's just me.

It would be a different story if you were always being careless with money or constantly asking for lends, or had failed to pay money back before - but that's not the story and it just sounds like he is being tight-fisted.
You're entitled to feel hurt and let down and taken for granted after something like this, in my opinion. But if it's out of character for him, could there be a reason for it that you haven't thought of?

Did he actually say he had the money, but would only lend €100, or could you have misunderstood? Did he give a reason?

Is it possible that he doesn't realise exactly how stuck you are or how tight money is at home? He has it easy now and might assume that with one child at home now rather than four you'd have more [if any] disposable income - it's not a good reason to refuse to lend, but could that be his reasoning?

Has he had a bad experience lending that you know of? I have a sibling that I used to lend money to and would have to go to the ends of the Earth to get it back, and was made feel like Zacchaeus for even asking for it; so I wised up, decided never to lend him money again and stuck to it, rather than falling out with him. But I know it did make me wary of lending money to my other younger siblings - it did not make me mean or tight, I'd never see anyone stuck, but once bitten twice shy. Is it possible he has lent money to one of his siblings or someone else, and is feeling hard-done-by?

Is there a [new] girlfriend on the scene? Just a hunch......

If this is out of character for him then maybe one of the above might explain it, though they wouldn't really excuse it, in my view. If not, it just sounds really mean, particularly when he knows he'll get it back. There's not a lot you can do about it. He has refused the lend and if I were you I'd not be made a beggar of by having it out with him over it - and it's his money, so if he is tight he won't see it any other way. Though I know that's not what you're asking.
I never advocate holding a grudge, but if he brings it up I'd make it clear that he has left you stuck while you never saw him want for anything and you don't appreciate it. Other than that, try to forget it and not dwell on it. People can and will disappoint you and let you down and family are often the worst for it. Resentment is the worst feeling you can have towards a person cos it is directionless, it doesn't go anywhere and just festers. You are best to just accept that that's a side of the person he has grown up to be, and leave it at that.

Sorry for the long reply, it's just I get where you are coming from, it's one of those situations where you nearly feel guilty for feeling hurt. It is his money and he's entitled to refuse, but in my opinion he should have helped you out if he had it to spare. And I'm saying that as someone who has lent money and never seen it again!

Long story short, your feelings are natural, but I'd try to forget about it, OP.

I hope things improve for you soon. Best of luck xxx

facehugger99

Your son is a right little sh;t.

heroics

Can’t understand not lending to a parent if you have it. I have “loaned” money to both my parents over the years. Tbh never expected it back they looked after me for long enough.

In fairness they insisted on paying it back and did.

Are you sure he has the money at the moment. I get paid monthly and it is only 2 days to pay day so some months can be pretty tight for cash on the 23rd

ifElseThen

Tell him you want an extra 100 a month rent from now on.

KrustyUCC

Does that son live with you OP?

It's awful not helping out your mother anyway but especially when you did so much for him

orthsquel

I think you have every right to feel hurt and disappointed. It doesn't change the fact that the answer was no. While I'd agree with others that you wouldn't begrudge your parent money if they were short; however perhaps your son has valid reasons, including maybe not wanting to be relied upon as a fall back position for money, and feels the need to create a boundary?

On the day you had to take off work - is there any way that you can work the hours back, an extra hour a day for a week or two, so that you're not putting yourself in financial difficulty?

Rubberchikken

Its natural to feel hurt. You raised this lad. Yes he worked hard to succeed but he has you to thank for a lot of that.
Tbh 300 isnt so much to lend to your parent especially in the circumstances described.
Accept the 100 euro if its of help

If its not then explain that you feel hurt. Youre not trying to guilt him but just pointing out a home truth

qwerty13

Are you really sure she couldn’t do It?

Was it it a few days before pay day? Is he financially emotional without telling you?

facehugger99

facehugger99 wrote: »

Your son is a right little sh;t.

whydothis wrote: »

[the father] has decided to take a year out to himself ... he informed me last week because as he is now in receipt of social welfare that he wont be paying his maintenance anymore, its court ordered so another story.

Where the problem is he has told me two days before its due, I have that money allocated for putting a roof over mine and my childs head, towards our bills, food etc and my wages pay the rest with just enough to last on for that week.

Like father like son apparently.

I know this isn't the issue you're discussing right now but this needs to be sorted too. He can't just decide he doesn't want to work or pay for his child, what a dick.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah your children's father can't just decide to stop paying maintenance because he wants to take a year out to "find himself"! (Although it seems he can do just that!) Imagine if you suggested doing the same thing yourself?

He has a child to support, and that child doesn't stop needing things because his dad is taking a break from life. If maintenance is court ordered then I'd be letting the court know that it has stopped. It probably won't get you very far, but it might make his dad cop on a bit.

It's ****ty that your son won't lend you the money, but the origin of your problem is their dad. So I think you're annoyance is a little misdirected at the moment.

fineso.mom

would you be eligible for FIS ? it's a social welfare payment for those who are working but on a low wage. Won't help immediately but might prevent a similar situation in future. Also if you don't have a credit union account open one. Even if you only save a small amount a week, it built up and they are very handy for small /medium sized loans.

woodchuck

I think your ex is main problem here.

But to address the immediate problem, you could try contacting St Vincent de Paul? I've heard they do great work. I'm not sure if it's applicable to your situation, but no harm making contact to find out.