Moving to South Africa due to partner

m@cc@

Hi All,
I am getting married to my fiance in 4 months. She has always made it clear that eventually she wants to return to SA in the future. I've been having a lot of anxiety over this in the past few weeks until it came to a head over the weekend when I told her I don't know for sure if I will want to move there in the future. She has said 'no matter what happens, we will be together. You are my life'. 
I will do everything I can to come round to the idea of moving but are we crazy for not having this decision set in stone before getting married? I know you guys can't answer it for me, just want opinions.

Thanks

LolaJJ

Your girlfriend's response sounds like she's pretty accepting of your stance on things.

However, it might be wise to really hammer home with her how the anxiety about such a move has been affecting you.

Do you have plans to have children? If she has lots of immediate family there, children will add to her desire to get home.

Have you spent any time there with her in the past? Can you see yourself adjusting to that culture and lifestyle, or being far from home?

If it's going to be a deal breaker for you (as in, you just won't move there) then it would be pretty important to let her know before you get maried

m@cc@

I think she was shocked at how much it had been affecting me but she seemed to be more upset that I had been bottling it up rather than the issue itself. I told her it was because I was scared of losing her to which she replied that I would never lose her and she said that she will do everything to make me happy.
I've only been there twice, I may well be able to live there eventually. I just don't know at this stage.

silverharp

Just make sure you are clear in your mind whether you want to go there or not and make that clear to your fiancé. Ive only met South Africans that are glad they are out of the place and report that when they visit they see the country going downhill slowly. If you moved there you would be financially tied to the place and it would be difficult to ever come back.

JeffKenna

I would be concerned about visiting parts out South Africa let alone living there so I think your anxiety is very well warranted.

Ursus Horribilis

I know a couple who eventually had to divorce because neither of them could live in the other's home country. There were children involved too. I've also got someone in my family who is trying to put a brave face on things because they've had to move away from Ireland for family reasons. Getting involved with someone who is from another country can become complicated, especially when kids come along.

There is no easy answer to this. One of you is going to have to give to an awful lot if you're to stay together. If you're honest, you've probably been dampening down your doubts for a long time because this was something that might happen at an undefined time in the future. You owe it to yourself and to your fiancee to be very open and honest about this matter. If you're to stay together, one of you is going to have to make a sacrifice. It might sound drastic but I don't think it's wise to go ahead with the wedding until you've got this sorted.

sothatsthat

I think ye really need to try figure out before ye get married what will happen if you decide you cannot move to S.A. it's not really a commutable distance.

LLMMLL

m@cc@ wrote: »

I think she was shocked at how much it had been affecting me but she seemed to be more upset that I had been bottling it up rather than the issue itself. I told her it was because I was scared of losing her to which she replied that I would never lose her and she said that she will do everything to make me happy.
I've only been there twice, I may well be able to live there eventually. I just don't know at this stage.

It doesn’t sound like you had a proper discussion with her. Her response could easily be interpreted as brushing it under the carpet, “were still moving over there, he’ll be grand once he gets there, I can fix any unhappiness he has”.

You need to have a proper chat, and not leave it at emotional platitudes about love and eternity. Does she still see you moving over there? Would she be happy to stay in Ireland? You need to find out where her head is at and not let it be brushed under the carpet for later.

A Pint of Goo

There is no future for whites in South Africa. Don't go.

m@cc@

LLMMLL wrote: »

m@cc@ wrote: »

I think she was shocked at how much it had been affecting me but she seemed to be more upset that I had been bottling it up rather than the issue itself. I told her it was because I was scared of losing her to which she replied that I would never lose her and she said that she will do everything to make me happy.
I've only been there twice, I may well be able to live there eventually. I just don't know at this stage.

It doesn’t sound like you had a proper discussion with her. Her response could easily be interpreted as brushing it under the carpet, “were still moving over there, he’ll be grand once he gets there, I can fix any unhappiness he has”.

You need to have a proper chat, and not leave it at emotional platitudes about love and eternity. Does she still see you moving over there? Would she be happy to stay in Ireland? You need to find out where her head is at and not let it be brushed under the carpet for later.

Thanks for your response. I did have further discussion with her and told about my anxiety of a possible move. Her response was that it was only a "maybe" and that she would never force me into a decision that would make me unhappy.
She said that any decision about where we live in future would be a joint decision. Her only request is that moving there is an option to which I replied I would never say never, which is the truth.

m@cc@

She also has said that she is the happiest that she has ever been in her life and that she is feeling as settled in London (that's where we are living) as she has ever done.

Pelvis

m@cc@ wrote: »

Thanks for your response. I did have further discussion with her and told about my anxiety of a possible move. Her response was that it was only a "maybe" and that she would never force me into a decision that would make me unhappy.
She said that any decision about where we live in future would be a joint decision. Her only request is that moving there is an option to which I replied I would never say never, which is the truth.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You can say "never say never" but that doesn't really seem to be the case reading this thread.

You need to decide NOW if it's something you can do, and then let her make her own decision. It sounds like you're giving her false hope.

WishUWereHere

m@cc@ wrote: »

Hi All,
I am getting married to my fiance in 4 months. She has always made it clear that eventually she wants to return to SA in the future. I've been having a lot of anxiety over this in the past few weeks until it came to a head over the weekend when I told her I don't know for sure if I will want to move there in the future. She has said 'no matter what happens, we will be together. You are my life'. 
I will do everything I can to come round to the idea of moving but are we crazy for not having this decision set in stone before getting married? I know you guys can't answer it for me, just want opinions.

Thanks

Hi M@cc

Firstly I hope Your marriage goes well, and I wish You both a long and loving marriage.

I lived there for almost 20 years so have a fair bit of knowledge on the 'craic' there. But before advising anything I have a few questions which I need to ask & I sincerely hope You don't take me up the wrong way in my line of questions:

What race are You & what race is Your Bride-to-Be?
What part of the country does Your W2B want to settle in?

My ex was Afrikaans and my 2nd Wife is Asian, I lived in a ( considered ) liberal part of the country, yet we got 'looks' everytime we went shopping in the shopping centres. Believe me, thats NOT the reason we are back here in Ireland - the reason for that was because affirmative action had really kicked in and I had to train a person of another colour to do my job, then I was retrenched and basically was 'unemployable' from there on.

Please feel free if You wish to PM me. I hope I can be of help to both of You.

m@cc@

Pelvis wrote: »

m@cc@ wrote: »

Thanks for your response. I did have further discussion with her and told about my anxiety of a possible move. Her response was that it was only a "maybe" and that she would never force me into a decision that would make me unhappy.
She said that any decision about where we live in future would be a joint decision. Her only request is that moving there is an option to which I replied I would never say never, which is the truth.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You can say "never say never" but that doesn't really seem to be the case reading this thread.

You need to decide NOW if it's something you can do, and then let her make her own decision. It sounds like you're giving her false hope.

It's hard for me to make an informed decision on whether I could live there based on a couple of Christmas visits. My difficulty is that I can't see the difference between saying it's something I can do and something I will do. I have had conversations with her saying I don't want to feel guilty for her being homesick to which she replied that she alone was responsible for her decisions.

m@cc@

WishUWereHere wrote: »

m@cc@ wrote: »

Hi All,
I am getting married to my fiance in 4 months. She has always made it clear that eventually she wants to return to SA in the future. I've been having a lot of anxiety over this in the past few weeks until it came to a head over the weekend when I told her I don't know for sure if I will want to move there in the future. She has said 'no matter what happens, we will be together. You are my life'. 
I will do everything I can to come round to the idea of moving but are we crazy for not having this decision set in stone before getting married? I know you guys can't answer it for me, just want opinions.

Thanks

Hi M@cc

Firstly I hope Your marriage goes well, and I wish You both a long and loving marriage.

I lived there for almost 20 years so have a fair bit of knowledge on the 'craic' there. But before advising anything I have a few questions which I need to ask & I sincerely hope You don't take me up the wrong way in my line of questions:

What race are You & what race is Your Bride-to-Be?
What part of the country does Your W2B want to settle in?

My ex was Afrikaans and my 2nd Wife is Asian, I lived in a ( considered ) liberal part of the country, yet we got 'looks' everytime we went shopping in the shopping centres. Believe me, thats NOT the reason we are back here in Ireland - the reason for that was because affirmative action had really kicked in and I had to train a person of another colour to do my job, then I was retrenched and basically was 'unemployable' from there on.

Please feel free if You wish to PM me. I hope I can be of help to both of You.

Thanks for your reply. She is white English South African and I'm white Irish. This is another issue I have. How hard will it be for me to find employment once I get there. Will I go to the back of the list? That's even if I get a work visa.

woodchuck

I think you need to discuss this more. Especially before you get married! I completely understand what you mean about not being able to say definitively whether or not you'd be happy there based on a couple of Christmas visits. I would assume that the big questions for each of you are:
- If you are actually willing to try the move? I mean actually move, not just research and talk about it. Quit your job here, leaving your friends and family and actually see if it's feasible to set down roots there. Is that a sacrifice you're willing to make?
- If you try the move and it doesn't work out or you're just very unhappy, would she be happy to move back to London? Can she truly be happy at the thoughts of never again living in her home country?

I think these are very big issues. It sounds like you're both very much in love, but if there are any absolute deal breakers about your shared future together, you need to make them clear to each other now.

WishUWereHere

m@cc@ wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. She is white English South African and I'm white Irish. This is another issue I have. How hard will it be for me to find employment once I get there. Will I go to the back of the list? That's even if I get a work visa.

As said elsewhere, You and Her really must sit down and suss this out. Moving to RSA is anything but like moving from IRL to the UK. I was retrenched out there, yet never got a cent in UIF ( their equivalent to our dole, and that's ONLY for 6 months..after which You are on Your own). And YES, You are white so basically last in the queue..that is ( and not guaranteed ) You being successful in getting a work visa. I also suspect that You will have to apply from the country of Your passport, therefore here, I think the RSA Embassey here is just off Stephen's Green.

Can I ask a stupid question? WHY is She so in favour ( I hesitate to use the word adamant ) in living in RSA? She is ( I assume ) legally here, so then has all Her ducks in order, why oh why would one want to go back to that uncertainty? I am assuming ( as She is White RSDA ) She wants to move to a large city? Jo'burg/CT/PE/Durbs?? IF She wants to live on the veldt, ( ie in the countryside, I seriously would HESITATE in going there to live. Quite simply IT'S NOT SAFE.

As for the possibility of having children in the future? Sorry to say this, but the education system in RSA sucks to hell. Your prospective Kids would be FAR better going to school here.

Sorry to be so negative OP, but am only telling You what I have seen with my own eyes.

WishUWereHere

Oh and I forgot to mention also this I saw on the BBC during the week a feature on the African People now wanting land restitution along the lines of Zim. This spells only one thing...TROUBLE!

You really must think this out seriously and carefully. Also Always KEEP IN MIND ( if You do get married ) the future for Your kids. When I emigrated to RSA it was back in '86. The Irish punt was 1 to 1 equivalent with the Rand. Today? Well, the £ is somewhere around 18-19 to the Rand. ALWAYS keep that in mind!

Good luck with whatever You decide on.