Just had a shock, and Im low very low very low

LegacyUser

Its a long story, too long to go into here. Im also aware that others know who I am but would prefer to remain anonymous.

Im 50 male, married and always doted on my mother. My mother "aquired" a hatred for my father last year. No real reason, but it got worse up to the day he died (including the day he died)

Because my mother believes I supported him, she has cut me off. A neighbor stated that shes living the house to her real friends. Im getting b=nothing - Im not bothered by this, Everything I have I earned. I have three lovely kids which my mother states that my wife and I turned away from her. (All lies)
Over the years my mother bought my daughters presents of books "how to fight fat" "the skinny me" "over fed by my parents" etc. My wife was gifted coffee stained dog eared books.

However in the last week I have had contact from someone stating we were first cousins. Today is not the day to go into how this happened. Suffice to say my grandmother had an extra marital affair.
My mother went balestic when she found out. "bastard, spy, traitor "etc was mentioned.
I told a cousin,

Im now person non grata now. At 50. The pain I feel now is total devastation.

I want to die. My childhood was rough. I had to look after both parents from the age of 7,

I gave up a lot but now Im nothing.

The new family have contacted by email. I dont know what to do. I will give more info when Im ready. All the more shocking ----Im the spit of the new fanily. They wat to meet.

Emme

OP you need to talk to a doctor to discuss several things including:

1) Possibly arranging a DNA test to prove that you are related to your new cousins. Don't meet the new family until you have spoken to your doctor about this. Physical resemblance is no proof of being related to someone.

2) Discuss your mother's mental health. Her sudden dislike of your father could result from early onset dementia.

3) If you and your new cousins do take DNA test and it turns out you are related it might be no harm to discreetly seek legal advice.

I cannot understand how people could be your cousins if your grandmother had an affair while you were married (the children would just have different fathers and may not know) but if it was your grandfather it would be plausible. It would also be plausible if your grandmother had children before she married your grandfather and kept those children secret.

Your mother doesn't seem to treat your family very well. You say your childhood was rough having to look after both parents from age 7. Whether this was due to illness, addiction or for other reasons it was hard especially if you had to do it alone. Was your mother always difficult or is this more recent? If she has always been difficult you might want to think about distancing yourself from her for your own sake and for your family's sake. If she is ill make sure she is taken care of but have as little contact as possible with her otherwise.

I don't doubt that you gave up a lot but you are far from nothing. You are a success, you don't need your mother's money and despite everything you married and have a family of your own. Your first loyalty is to them.

Ghekko

You have been through a lot in the past year, losing your dad and dealing with the crap from your mother. Has she always been difficult - you looked after your parents from a young age so I gather there were issues. The fallout of all this has now led you to feeling like you don't matter - like you are nothing. Let me tell you that you do matter, you are everything to your wife and kids and they are your main focus - the family unit you have created. Don't lose sight of that!

You have acquired a new cousin. Your mother has found out she has another sibling and is in shock. Did she call you bastard, spy, traitor? Can't imagine why. None of this is your doing. You didn't just create these people out of thin air in order to annoy her. They exist for some time and chose to find their biological family. Your mother is misplacing her emotions. If you chose to meet your cousin you do not have to include your mother in this new found relationship. Do it for yourself if you want to.

I would also suggest chatting to your gp with a view to counselling - you have a fair bit to talk through and to try to come to terms with. Have you told your wife how you feel? Do you have siblings who could deal with your mother now while you step back to look after your own health?

LegacyUser

dna tests were done. It was a joke at first. We used our sons DNA and used fake names.

Its like something off the TV.

My mother displays all the traits of a narcissist.

wiggle16

Hi OP

You are not nothing, and you know that. You have a wife and children and you know that you mean the world to them. You are letting your mother's cruelty towards you define you - she might be treating you like you mean nothing to her, but that's not what you mean to other people. You cannot think like that, you know better than that. You matter, you are not nothing.

Your mother sounds very vicious, irrational and toxic and her behaviour is having an effect on your mental health. She has rejected you for no reason, and while that has of course hurt you deeply, I would ask you to look at it from another point of view. You say she took a dislike to your father and was constantly sniping etc: I know from experience how wearing and frustrating that bitterness gets after a while, so to be honest, I think that while it hurts to have been cut off the way she did it, I think you are getting a well earned respite from her. Seriously, she gave body-shaming books to her grandchildren?

You doted on her and looked out for her, and she has repaid you by cutting you out of her life. I think now is the time to get a bit of perspective on her, OP: she disrespected your wife, your children, your father and now your memories of your father, and you. Based on your post, I assume she has behaved like this for a long time. It sounds like it was only a matter of time before you decided enough was enough, and cut her out. Then she made the decision for you. If I were your wife I would be relieved, to be honest.

These new cousins coming out of the woodwork is a separate issue altogether. I think you should put them on the backburner for the moment OP, you have too much going on right now without a new family coming into the mix. Could you politely tell them that now is not a good time for you, but that you would welcome contact in the future? They will still be there when you're ready. Also, do you not mean your grandfather had an affair?

You sound very distressed and despondent, so I would urge you to contact your GP and arrange for counselling before doing anything else.

lulu1

OP I know it will be hard to do but i would distance myself from your mother you have done enough for her and for what? I would forget about new found family you got this far without them.

I would concentrate on your wife and 3 daughters they are your family and be as good a husband and father as you can be

Just wondering how this new family got your email address.

Reading this story again I feel there is a lot more we need to know.

LegacyUser

lulu1, You are right, there is alot more to this story, but to publish more would identify me - which I cant do.

1. Grandmother has relationship. Second child is born (my mother). Father was a neighbor.

At its simplist, other family are blonde "my family" is brown. Child born to other family same age as my mother looks like her twin.

I/we use ancestory.com. After my fathers death my sibling and I took our kids dna (out of curiosity) my childs and his child. We sent off the "spit" to see what turned up. We did not use our names (privacy). We get an email confirming first cousins, 99% irish etc etc.

Out of the blue (12 hours later) we get an email from ancestry from an unknown person saying that we have matching dna 99% probability first cousins.

When we checked source code of email it matched the neighbors daughter. Her ancestry was open to public. She did not know who she was contacting. We could see common photos.

AND SH1t - there were shared people in both family photos.

I have over simplified the above but in essence thats what happened.

My image could be anyone in there family photos. Introductions were made. They knew there father had other children (he died in the 1940s) He had a bad heart. I had heart surgery last year. There is no doubt Im his grandson.
I really have a strong desire to show the results as they have to be seen to be believed. But I cant. My wife thinks its hilarious (I can see her point).

Contact was made last night. They are excited. I am - I dont know what I am.

I thought I was something else - now Im just disturbed. I dont know what to do or even how to process this. Ironically I met this person when I was twelve.

What really disturbs me is that everyone knew except me. Its like a betrayal, and now my mother has blanked me and has told others including my sibling that I turned my children from her.

My sibling gave the other party (with my permission) my email.
I cant ignore them, there family. I dont want to ignore them, it would be cruel. From their email they can understand the shock that it must be to me.

Im just lost. Apologies if Im rambling. I have no where else to vent.

orthsquel

OP there's a lot that has happened and I think you need to take a step back and process what has happened, especially with the new family contacting you. You need time to digest it, time to get your head around it and time to recover from your shock.

Have you told your wife? You should confide in her if you haven't already so that you're not bearing this load alone; it's too much to handle on your own.

You shouldn't let your mother's behaviour, or the unexpected shock devalue your own self esteem, or distort your own perception of yourself into a negative. You will recover from this, but you need to absorb what's happened and time to adjust to it.

TheBoyConor

Hang on, you used one of these ancestry sites?
They are not reliable or credible at all - do you realise that.

They are marketed towards, for example, Americans tracing their roots and for that reason they will almost always tell you you are related to whoever you are checking for. If you sent off your saliva and the neighbour'c cat's saliva they would probably tell you ye are fist cousins!!!

I'd be doubting whether there is even any test involved in these places - they just bin your sample and send you a "test result". They are a scam basically.

You have to go to a proper lab to have confidence in the results of a DNA test.
A quick google reveals the likes of Alphabiolabs Ireland; Eurofins Forensic Services; Wetherby Scientific

Ghekko

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Hang on, you used one of these ancestry sites?
They are not reliable or credible at all - do you realise that.

They are marketed towards, for example, Americans tracing their roots and for that reason they will almost always tell you you are related to whoever you are checking for. If you sent off your saliva and the neighbour'c cat's saliva they would probably tell you ye are fist cousins!!!

I'd be doubting whether there is even any test involved in these places - they just bin your sample and send you a "test result". They are a scam basically.

You have to go to a proper lab to have confidence in the results of a DNA test.
A quick google reveals the likes of Alphabiolabs Ireland; Eurofins Forensic Services; Wetherby Scientific

Of course the results are correct. I have done it, as has my husband. My first match was a cousin. Husband was matched to paternal close relatives. How on earth would ancestry know who you wish to be matched to??

Emme

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You have to go to a proper lab to have confidence in the results of a DNA test.
A quick google reveals the likes of Alphabiolabs Ireland; Eurofins Forensic Services; Wetherby Scientific

The OP says his new "cousins" resemble him. However if there was any doubt in a case I would go for a second opinion with an accredited laboratory.

orthsquel

Am I right in understanding OP that your mother knew who her real father was? and that others in the family knew? And now she feels that you are the "spy and traitor" as a result of getting this new information, because she never told you and feels that you have been snooping into her past, and what may be to her, a shame she feels about herself or something?

Is she upset with you because of finding out and perhaps maybe wanting to make a connection with the other family?

LegacyUser

orthsquel wrote: »

Am I right in understanding OP that your mother knew who her real father was? and that others in the family knew? And now she feels that you are the "spy and traitor" as a result of getting this new information, because she never told you and feels that you have been snooping into her past, and what may be to her, a shame she feels about herself or something?

Is she upset with you because of finding out and perhaps maybe wanting to make a connection with the other family?

Yes your right.
Some new photos have come to light of the "other family" there are other photos of both families at a wedding photo - id estimate 1920s. My likeness is in those photos. If i could post them I would.
Its now several weeks since my mother contacted me. We had her over at easter. I thought no problem. Nice day. She only slagged off her reticently deceased husband 8 or nine times to her grand children. After dinner and some unconformable hours I drove her home.

My sibling who lives abroad had an unsolicited call from her mother stating I had poisoned my son against her. Total bul****.


She puts on an image in the house and bad mouth's us when shes gone.


I contribute alot to the forums here and would be easily identifiable. However there is private info that I shoud make you aware of.
1. My Mother has contacted my sibling and told them to forget any idea of getting a share in her house.
1. My wife and wife and her mother are conspiring against her.
3.she insists that i should have thought her to drive before my children.
4. When i brought her to a an e with a headache that happened two years ago but she insisted only happened two weeks ago when "my father tried to murder her".
5. When the doctor asked her what she wanted she screamed "I want to go to Crete".


Anyway new photos are cumming in hot and heavy from america. News paper cuttings wedding photos etc. I dont need a dna test to confirm Im from the other family. I AM THE OTHER FAMILY.


My own family has shut me down including cousins. If been tole through a third party not to launder our washing in public.


There is an issue. Ive a third sibling whom I not allowed meet. Downes. Not long to live.
Dementia after cancer. I love them. I am them, they are me. Im not allowed to meet them because I took my father for chemo to St Lukes for CHEMO. His last lunch was with me.


These are hard times. i Had a crash I broke one knee on ferur , rotator cuff
, concussion. I ended up tith two operqtions, and am incapicated for twelve weeks and possibli 1 year out of work.

we have been told that if she gets ill she till top my sibling.

Do I report her? I have done when my father was dyiing. It seems they are too budy.

.

_Godot_

So she is saying she'd kill them? Then YES, REPORT HER. She sounds like she needs to go into a home or hospital, as there is something clearly WRONG WITH HER.

lulu1

I think there is something medically wrong with your mother op and I would be seeking medical for her as soon as possible

seamus

Catalogue your mother's recent behaviour, be honest as much as you can - if some details are third or fourth-hand, exclude them. Only behaviour that you can honestly stand over.

Consider if her behaviour is a departure from her usual; i.e. has escalated or become completely out-of-character.

It sounds like your mother has probably always been mentally ill to some extent, but if it's getting worse then she may indeed be developing a serious illness.

What stands out most is your sibling. He/She is a vulnerable person requiring protection. You are not, you can simply lock your mother out of your life if you have to. But your sibling can't.

Even if your mother's talk of killing him was idle nonsense, her mental state probably means that she is no longer competent to be the primary guardian of your sibling, and you need to take action on that now. If he/she is in care, then speak to the institution about your concerns and the next steps to take.

If they're not, then contact his/her social worker, who can arrange to take them into care.

Remember that you have your own family. They are your primary concern. Your mother and your siblings are your extended family, they come second.

You are not defined by where you come from or by your ancestors. You are defined by your own thoughts and actions. Think of all you have achieved in your life - that is who you are. You are not nothing.

Gael23

First thing you need to do is to contact social services with the view to having your unwell sibling taken into care. Then you need to go about getting your mothers mental health looked into.
Am I correct here than someone you grew up with has turned out to be your cousin? There are ways of dealing with this but you have a lot of other stuff going on that you need to deal with first.