7year relationship breakup

LegacyUser

i write this message in absolute devastation, my boyfriend and probably first true boyfriend of 7 years was cheating behind my back and i caught him last night red handed, firstly the reason im pouring this out here is i have no one else, we were both in the closet and it was the perfect setup or so i thought for us, i moved from my home county to another so have very little friends, those that i do are mainly work friends who dont know of my sexuality, my bf however has a gay friend and another who knows his sexuality so he has some one confide in, me i live alone and he was my everything, from dawn to dusk we with chat share our days etc then in evening meet up and snuggle on couch do the usual couple stuff, now a year ago he got distant so i went on grindr with my suspicions and sure he enough he was on, i confronted him he said it was just for some horny chat etc something i myself was guilty of so we let it go, then only last week i noticed those same traits again and yes sure enough he was on grindr, i setup a fake profile and we got chatting he told me about all these guys he had met etc but no mention of being in relationship, i again though its all fantasy but i followed him last night and it all unraveled, we had a great night in great sex snuggled on couch and a kiss and big goodbye kiss, he then drove up the road a considerable distance and set me a good night message on whatsapp something we always do, he then sat on side of road and went onto grindr within a few minutes he was on his way to a neighboring town we he met a guy for a bj i assume he was approx 20mins then off he went back up road to a lay by, again looking more guys which is where i trapped him setup a fake chat arranged meet and pulled up he sped off, we kinda talked on whatsapp he said he wanted more and cant explain but it was mainly the sex, which myself thought was great, we are going to meet today face to face, but i am devasted ive lost my one true friend in the world who i shared my everything with now i find myself home alone with my thoughts, im not angry weirdly just heartbroken, it has helped to even write that down, if you have had the patience read it all i would be interested read has anyone gone through the same

youre boring me now

So sorry to read all that. Not sure I can say anything to help, but thought it would be better than no response. His cheating shouldn't cause you to question your own worth: you were a loving boyfriend and he was a deceitful cheat. And he would have cheated on anyone in the same circumstances. By the sounds of it, he has extreme sexual urges that make a monogamous relationship very difficult for him.

I'm sure the pain you're feeling is horrendous and you're feeling hopeless. But, like all grief, it will subside. I don't know if you're going to try to work through things with him. But don't speculate on how your life would be affected by a breakup. In a few months time, you'll have come to terms with however it plays out. Just look after yourself during that adjustment period.

This forum is pretty dead. If you need support, Reddit breakup forums might be more helpful. I hope you manage to get over it soon.

lottpaul

Am really sorry to read your story. I can't speak from personal experience but sadly I have a good few friends - gay and straight - who have gone through similar. You entrusted him with your happiness and well being and he has betrayed that trust.
There are few words of comfort that will heal the pain and heartache - but time is your friend and the awful pain will ease. You're going through a bereavement - the death of a relationship - and because it was a secret one you have no one to share that grief with.
Allow yourself to be sad; be angry, because you have every reason to be, and above all be kind to yourself.
Perhaps this is a good time to think about reaching out and making some friends - but that may be a little while off yet.
Maybe let us know how the last few days have gone for you? Keep well.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again, well its been a few days of ups and downs rollercoaster emotions, but we sat down and talked it out, first time we were both an emotional wreck and i didnt really get the answers i wanted and my head was gone as i hadnt ate or slept in days since i caught him, the second day i had all day at work to mull it over i was physically sick on 2 occasions, we met again and chatted for 3 hours and it was prob the first time in a long time that we spoke soo much ever!! i asked for the gory details and i got them which i respected i knew him for 6 years so i knew when he was telling all and not holding back, it turned out that basically he wanted the trill of the meet which i understood as i had thought of it myself but never went through with it! again i was honest too with him, it also boiled down to us thinking that each other wanted basically the full start to finish sex if you get me, this was putting pressure on him to satisfy me and i was putting pressure on myself to always be up for it even when i didnt want it, hard to explain but what we both found out from talking was that we were both having sex we didnt want basically as we thought the other wanted it, he said that the meets were purely for a w8nk he only ever got w8nked off and didnt return as he felt it was easier to get it from a stranger over and done with in 15mins than having to force himself do the whole deed with me when he all he wanted was basically a w8nk, we talked it out and have agreed we need to talk more and raise issues instead of bottling them up or putting up with them, im still hurting he understands he has really done wrong by me, he also thought that as we dont live together and arent out that he seen a bleak future for us and thought what has he got to lose, i have also on occasions felt that way and i think he now realises what we have is far more and in a way it took this to show him that its way more and he has alot to lose, so were giving it another go many ppl would say im crazy but i feel i owe it to myself to give it another go and my feelings are too deep for him, its going to be a long road and requires alot of hard work on both sides but i hope it works out for us, thank you guys for replying and taking the time

JupiterKid

Im sorry to hear about your break up OP and hope you will move on from this pain. Ive been through a LTR break up too and it really hurt.

I would suggest that being in the closet and not out only serves to make things far worse as you can't share your pain with family and friends. Do you live in Ireland?. Not being out in Ireland of 2018 and in a secret relationship for 7 years is bizarre but each to their own.

Hopefully you'll find the courage to come out and find love again. Its not healthy being in the closet. I wish you well!

SeantheMan

JupiterKid wrote: »

Im sorry to hear about your break up OP and hope you will move on from this pain. Ive been through a LTR break up too and it really hurt.

I would suggest that being in the closet and not out only serves to make things far worse as you can't share your pain with family and friends. Do you live in Ireland?. Not being out in Ireland of 2018 and in a secret relationship for 7 years is bizarre but each to their own.

Hopefully you'll find the courage to come out and find love again. Its not healthy being in the closet. I wish you well!

Did you read his 2nd post ?
They are giving it another go.

JupiterKid

SeantheMan wrote: »

Did you read his 2nd post ?
They are giving it another go.

No, I didn't see the second post until now.

Delighted for the OP but I would hope that you and your OH do plan to come out at some stage. Life is much easier when youre out.

LegacyUser

firstly thank you to all who have replied i really appreciate it, as regards the coming out issue yes its a major barrier in our relationship and makes it extremely hard, i am extremely proud or at least was its took a dent recently of my bf and id love to share the one good thing that makes me happy in my life with my family who i love also, its been hard to not share our days away or talk about being in a restaurant or even just have a family member say hey hows "john" etc, its a constant lie to myself and others id like nothing more than for our mothers to maybe go out to lunch with us etc i feel its the 1 part thats just not complete with us, i also have my own house and we dont live together which is crazy, as a "straight" couple would have moved in like a year into relationship, i moved out from home and rented to accommodate our relationship and then bought a house very near to my bf ive sold it recently and bought a lovely house in a great area and would love to move him in a start a wonderful chapter in our lifes, but its soo hard to see happening and its frustrating for us both and ultimately very sad, times i think who the f&5k am i pleasing, i have very little friends only at work and if they turn their noses up well they arent worth knowing, on the parent front my parents are in their 60s and 70s and i dont know how it would go down, i did 11 years ago come out to my mum im now 32 and it was a shock didnt really sink in and was left as you cant be and in those 11 years never has it resurfaced, my bro and sis i think would be ok my dad i dont know, ive been getting really close to him recently and id hate to bring shame on them as they are from a different era, my bfs parents are younger in their 50s and he has younger brothers i think he would be accepted and i personally think they are fully aware, but to 1 come out, 2 ive been a in relationship 6 years and 3 were moving in together is massive, its a right royal mess and my head is all over place, its ultimately very sad as ive got everything ive always wanted and yet i dont.....