My best friend is dying of cancer

LegacyUser

I'm 44 years old and I have always found it difficult to make friends. I am not married and have never had a girlfriend (I never thought I was good enough to have one). I have one close friend that I've been friends with for about twenty years (let's call him Kevin). I have made friends with other people and been friends for maybe a few years but it fizzled out after a while for various reasons. Usually that person has moved to different country or got married and has kids and that kind of takes over their life. I have made friends in college and jobs but when college finished or else me or they left the job then I didn't keep in touch.
All perfectly understandable, that's the way life is. Sometimes they just find me boring and don't keep in touch with me (I don't blame them; I wouldn't keep in touch with me if I were them). Sometimes I lose touch with them deliberately myself because I don't think I am good enough for them. I'm not good at making/keeping friends, usually because I think I am such a boring person that I tell myself they can surely find someone other than me to be friends with.
Kevin is a university lecturer and married with four kids. He owns his own house. I live at home with my parents although I have a good job in IT and I have a degree. I always felt inferior to him and was a bit embarrassed going to his house sometimes. I always enjoyed his company though; he is the best friend I ever had. I think he enjoys my company too although I have a hard time convincing myself of this sometimes.
We are friends mainly through football. We both support a League of Ireland team that have had a lot of success in the last few years (you can probably guess which one). We go to most of the games and have had so many great times at those games. I can't tell you how strong the bond I've made with him in these moments is. All the laughs we had etc. There are a couple of other lads we are both friends with and we all go to the games together but I am not as close to them as I am to Kevin although I value their friendship very much.
A lot of our conversations have been about football and sport in general but we have talked a lot about family, work, relationships etc. He has told me a lot more about himself than I have told to him about me though (I feel guilty about that).
I have started to hang out with other people I have casual friendships with (from meetup.com). It's not like I am trying to replace his friendship. That would be impossible because you don't replace a friend like that. Maybe I am just trying to prepare myself for when/if he is gone.
Kevin was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer last January. He doesn't come to the games anymore but I still go with the other lads. The buzz is not the same at all though. He is house-bound and has lost a lot of weight. He has a tumor that is too large to remove. I have been to visit him once and I text him a lot. I suffer from depression and have been on medication for most of my life for it. I must stress (and this is very important) that I am not just thinking of the personal loss to myself. I think of his wife and kids and his brother and sisters and what they are going through right now and if the inevitable happens.
Please God (if there is one) don't take my friend away from me and his family. I'd give all of the money in my bank account, my car, everything I own, no questions asked right now if it meant he could get out of this. It upsets me so much that he is suffering so much and there's nothing I can do. Another thing I wish I had someone to confide in (a girlfriend I suppose). It's not their job to do that for you I know (that's only part of a relationship; you have to be a bit of craic too). But I suppose it does help in these situations if you are in a relationship. You are supposed to do the same for her if the roles were reversed (I know I would). That is probably a really silly thing to wish for.
I don't show my emotions much. I have had a few sobs driving to and from work about this. Once it happened in work and I had to leave my desk and go outside to compose myself. Today is bad though, the worst yet. He is kind of partially dead already cause I don't meet him as often. I often said to my mother "Jesus if If I live to be 190 I'll never understand why Kevin is friends with me." Maybe his illness is God's way of punishing me for not valuing his friendship enough? There were a few times he asked to hook up and I made up excuses not to meet him because of the self-esteem issues I outlined above. I really regret that now.
I am not religious at all despite the many references to the almighty in this post (they are just figures of speech). I am losing my appetite and not sleeping well (I get about four hours a night). It will be a devastating blow to me if he passes away and I'm not sure how I will cope. I know it will be much worse for his wife and kids so again, I feel guilty for saying it.
Maybe he might recover, I just don't know.

Rubberchikken

You sound like a good friend and a decent person and you're upset for your friend's illness is clear.

Support him as much as you can. Visit him. Its at a time like this that he needs his friend there. He needs a little bit of normality at a brutal time.

Dont be so hard on yourself. Youve dealt with depression for years and this happening to your friend must hurt and frighten you.
Would you find it helpful to talk to someone professionally?

Take care

LegacyUser

I meet the HSE every three months but I can bring it forward if I want to. I don't know though; their answer to everything seems to be a pill. I did speak to a counselor a few years ago about my depression and I thought she was very easy to talk to. The problem is I don't deal with death very well. My uncle died there recently and even though I wasn't close to him, I was upset about it. He was elderly and had cancer too and we knew he was going to die. However when I texted my sister telling her he was dead she replied asking what time was the removal.
People die of cancer every day and a lot of people contract it. I shouldn't be surprised that my friend got it,; why wouldn't he? Doesn't make it any easier to handle.

Silverfish

I've no advice for you really OP but my heart is breaking for you.
You really need some help for yourself with this, it's an awful thing to go though alone.
I know one thing my mam appreciated when she was ill was phone calls and people calling to her -people who she could tell to go when she wasn't able for them. Or even lifts places when dad was in work and she wasn't feeling able to drive, or even people doing the shopping to give them more time together.

I'd encourage you to get some counselling or support through this OP, and mind yourself. Don't be alone with this.

Wesser

Make sure you visit him as much as you can before he passes away. ( as much as is practical and not oversterpping the mark with his family).. And be helpful to his wife on practical issues before and after aswell

corks finest

paul_89 wrote: »

I'm 44 years old and I have always found it difficult to make friends. I am not married and have never had a girlfriend (I never thought I was good enough to have one). I have one close friend that I've been friends with for about twenty years (let's call him Kevin). I have made friends with other people and been friends for maybe a few years but it fizzled out after a while for various reasons. Usually that person has moved to different country or got married and has kids and that kind of takes over their life. I have made friends in college and jobs but when college finished or else me or they left the job then I didn't keep in touch.
All perfectly understandable, that's the way life is. Sometimes they just find me boring and don't keep in touch with me (I don't blame them; I wouldn't keep in touch with me if I were them). Sometimes I lose touch with them deliberately myself because I don't think I am good enough for them. I'm not good at making/keeping friends, usually because I think I am such a boring person that I tell myself they can surely find someone other than me to be friends with.
Kevin is a university lecturer and married with four kids. He owns his own house. I live at home with my parents although I have a good job in IT and I have a degree. I always felt inferior to him and was a bit embarrassed going to his house sometimes. I always enjoyed his company though; he is the best friend I ever had. I think he enjoys my company too although I have a hard time convincing myself of this sometimes.
We are friends mainly through football. We both support a League of Ireland team that have had a lot of success in the last few years (you can probably guess which one). We go to most of the games and have had so many great times at those games. I can't tell you how strong the bond I've made with him in these moments is. All the laughs we had etc. There are a couple of other lads we are both friends with and we all go to the games together but I am not as close to them as I am to Kevin although I value their friendship very much.
A lot of our conversations have been about football and sport in general but we have talked a lot about family, work, relationships etc. He has told me a lot more about himself than I have told to him about me though (I feel guilty about that).
I have started to hang out with other people I have casual friendships with (from meetup.com). It's not like I am trying to replace his friendship. That would be impossible because you don't replace a friend like that. Maybe I am just trying to prepare myself for when/if he is gone.
Kevin was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer last January. He doesn't come to the games anymore but I still go with the other lads. The buzz is not the same at all though. He is house-bound and has lost a lot of weight. He has a tumor that is too large to remove. I have been to visit him once and I text him a lot. I suffer from depression and have been on medication for most of my life for it. I must stress (and this is very important) that I am not just thinking of the personal loss to myself. I think of his wife and kids and his brother and sisters and what they are going through right now and if the inevitable happens.
Please God (if there is one) don't take my friend away from me and his family. I'd give all of the money in my bank account, my car, everything I own, no questions asked right now if it meant he could get out of this. It upsets me so much that he is suffering so much and there's nothing I can do. Another thing I wish I had someone to confide in (a girlfriend I suppose). It's not their job to do that for you I know (that's only part of a relationship; you have to be a bit of craic too). But I suppose it does help in these situations if you are in a relationship. You are supposed to do the same for her if the roles were reversed (I know I would). That is probably a really silly thing to wish for.
I don't show my emotions much. I have had a few sobs driving to and from work about this. Once it happened in work and I had to leave my desk and go outside to compose myself. Today is bad though, the worst yet. He is kind of partially dead already cause I don't meet him as often. I often said to my mother "Jesus if If I live to be 190 I'll never understand why Kevin is friends with me." Maybe his illness is God's way of punishing me for not valuing his friendship enough? There were a few times he asked to hook up and I made up excuses not to meet him because of the self-esteem issues I outlined above. I really regret that now.
I am not religious at all despite the many references to the almighty in this post (they are just figures of speech). I am losing my appetite and not sleeping well (I get about four hours a night). It will be a devastating blow to me if he passes away and I'm not sure how I will cope. I know it will be much worse for his wife and kids so again, I feel guilty for saying it.
Maybe he might recover, I just don't know.

As a fan of the same team,and having lost 4 siblings in 7. Years,one via cancer last October,my advice is talk to him,be honest, and upfront,he deserves this from you, what I learned is ,make memories while they are alive,and thus lives on in your mind,sit in with him when CCFC are on the TV,or go to visit and listen together to rebel radio,maybe bring one of the other ppl with you (obviously run this past his family first) having also lost a 20 yr old son to cancer I also found the good,yes good side of cancer,you have time to say goodbye over several weeks/months

Snowseer

You were a good friend to him. It's tough on you, but you improved each others' lives with your friendship. That's a fact, and remember that. Stay strong.

lulu1

OP i'm sorry that you have depression and your self esteem seems at an all time low. I am just a little bit angry here but your friend needs you now please please please be there for him his wife and kids day and night if needs be. You will be glad you did.

Dont let tomorrow pass without texting him

orthsquel

OP you truly are a wonderful, caring, generous and loyal friend and I suspect if you could change places with him, you would.

You're dealing with a lot emotionally, but you don't have to manage it alone. There are support networks through the Irish Cancer Society and perhaps other agencies that you can talk about what you're feeling about your friend. A lot of it would be natural about feeling bad for him, feeling guilty and trying to balance normality, preparing yourself for the inevitable.... but you really, really don't have to do it alone, of feel alone in the process. I would suggest that you do look for support in this, if not through Irish Cancer Society than either a similar support network related to cancer, or by opening up about it in general and share with others what you are going through that you feel comfortable with sharing.

I'd suggest too, that you visit him, let him know what he means to you and that you value your friendship, and that you'll miss him when he's gone should the time come. Your friendship is important to you, visiting him would be important for you because I feel otherwise, if you withdraw, you'll guilt yourself over it forever.

I'm concerned OP that while you are preparing yourself for moving on after he is gone, you might get in a rut. I feel that on-going support for you relating to dealing with the loss of your friend is going to be important and coping with adjustment. Even to have an outlet as you don't really have to seem one. People will understand and empathise how you feel and be kind to you. Just because you are not his spouse, or a blood relative, doesn't undermine the pain and emotion you are genuinely feeling and it is important for you to look after yourself too, and be allowed to cope and grieve.

I think in time too, other aspects of your life you have mentioned, I think only after you have dealt with the loss, should you be re-evaluating them. I think at the moment, dealing with a your friend's illness is enough right now but I think you'll cope and manage, so long as you have support.

LegacyUser

corks finest wrote: »

As a fan of the same team,and having lost 4 siblings in 7. Years,one via cancer last October,my advice is talk to him,be honest, and upfront,he deserves this from you, what I learned is ,make memories while they are alive,and thus lives on in your mind,sit in with him when CCFC are on the TV,or go to visit and listen together to rebel radio,maybe bring one of the other ppl with you (obviously run this past his family first) having also lost a 20 yr old son to cancer I also found the good,yes good side of cancer,you have time to say goodbye over several weeks/months

I'm very sorry for your loss, what I have to experience is nothing compared to yours. I think my friend's illness has become a catalyst for other issues in my life. Facing up to the fact he may not be there anymore has made me take stock of my life and look to the future. I am fortunate in a lot of ways (good job, no debts etc.) but there are a few things I am not happy about. Not owning my own home, not having a relationship etc (although I know being in a relationship doesn't solve all your problems).
I've been trying to fill the void in the last week (went out Saturday night and got hammered drunk with some other people I know). I've stopped doing things I normally do like cutting the grass at home, reading the newspaper etc.

kingofclay

You sound like an absolutely wonderful person.

con___manx1

Thats terrible op. All you can do is be there as much as possible for him. I cant even imagine how difficult that would be good friends are hard to come by. I have 2 close friends thats it.
A guy i used to be friends with a long time ago is very sick at the moment to.
We never fell out just drifted apart as we moved to different places. I found out recently he only has a few months to live. I cant stop thinking about it even tho we havent been friends for years.

LegacyUser

con___manx1 wrote: »

good friends are hard to come by.

You are so right. Some people go through life without ever having a proper close friend. I do believe we rank our friends and usually only have one that is "the" friend. I go to an Aware meeting every Thursday night, I am going tomorrow night so I will talk about this there probably.

orthsquel

In a way it is a positive that your friend's illness has made you take stock of your own life and looking to the future, with improvement on the horizon. Where you drinking to get drunk and avoiding what you feel, or drinking socially, because you wanted to connect with others? Are you currently stopping doing things you enjoy?

LegacyUser

orthsquel wrote: »

In a way it is a positive that your friend's illness has made you take stock of your own life and looking to the future, with improvement on the horizon.

I don't know about that, I don't see anything good in it at all. However I know you are only trying to see some positives in this for me. I desperately want to change things, I do know that. People react to traumatic events in different ways. Some people bury themselves in their work, others lash out and lose their temper. I'm not feeling hopeless, that's for sure, just frustrated.Actions always speak louder than words though.
I'm just a bit p***ed off at the moment with a lot of things. My friend's illness has brought up a lot of stuff that's been bubbling under the surface. My mother is really getting on my nerves; she has been doing an unreal amount of moaning recently. It's very difficult to listen to. She has been someone who complains a lot anyway but she is really taking it to a different level recently. I feel a bit ashamed still living at home in my forties but my depression has been a factor in that.
Another stupid reason is that we have animals at home and am an animal-lover so I have to look after them. I don't expect a an elderly couple in their forties to look after them. I am thinking of moving out but I would have to go back to paying rent. I'm depressed about my age but I look younger than 44.
I have recently become annoyed at being so short (I'm 5 foot 6) and what a disadvantage it is with the opposite sex. I've been googling stuff about it like mad, driving myself crazy.
I have been making mistakes in work too and I have a fairly responsible job so that's not good news. I wasted half the day today doing something I didn't need to do at all. Now I will have to come in early on Monday to make up that time. I am sick of being so stupid all the time. I can't blame my friend's illness on that, I do some incredibly stupid things in work.

orthsquel wrote: »

Where you drinking to get drunk and avoiding what you feel, or drinking socially, because you wanted to connect with others? Are you currently stopping doing things you enjoy?

I wanted to connect with people I suppose but I also just wanted to feel good for a while if you know what I mean? I did enjoy it and got talking to a couple of girls as a matter of fact. They seemed to like me and I enjoyed the conversation.
I didn't mention anything to anyone there about my friend, that would have been a real conversation killer. I'm not stupid. I was in good form and was glad I went.
I won't turn into an alcoholic though don't worry. My friend's illness has made me more conscious of my own mortality too. He used to enjoy a drink and now he can't touch a drop and might not ever be able to again. You never know what's around the corner.
I have been behaving a bit strangely since his illness but I don't feel suicidal or hopeless. I just desperately want something good to happen. His wife and kids are in a much worse situation and I am always conscious of that.

LegacyUser

Silly to resurrect this thread after a week but my friend passed away last Saturday. I'm just back from the funeral now. I was OK during the funeral and the meal after but I know the depression of realising he is gone will hit me later on in the quiet moments. I feel horribly selfish for feeling so bad because this man had a wife and four children.
It's just that I've always found it difficult to make friends and he was my only real friend. The title of this thread should really have been "My only real friend is dying of cancer".
I'm a bit lost without him really. I went out with a couple of other friends Saturday night after I got the news and I got a bit drunk. I got upset and blurted out that my best friend died today.
There were a few people there that weren't my friends and they must have though "this guy is a nutter". Most were sympathetic though.
I even told it to a complete stranger in the men's toilet's and in fairness he was very sympathetic too and asked me was I OK etc. He even offered to let me sit with him and his mates. The stupid things you do when you are drunk.
I am a bit socially inadequate (I work as a programmer so that probably explains that). I even said the wrong things today at the funeral to a few people I am sure. It wouldn't be too bad If I had another friend or two that I was as close to as this guy but I don't. I fell like I "put all my eggs in one basket" with this friend and now I am paying the price for it.

orthsquel

OP I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you're ok. You're entitled to grieve and feel loss... you don't need to feel guilty about that or in comparison to what his wife and children have lost. You have lost someone that mattered to you, who was important to you, and you're every bit as entitled as family to feel that loss.
Don't worry about what others thought about Saturday night. I think anyone would be understanding given the news.
Would you consider bereavement counselling? You've been through a lot recently, perhaps you need to speak to someone about it and I think it could be very important for you right now. Don't worry about things like social circle and things like that, you can review that in counselling in time, but I think what you're feeling now is the important aspect to address.

Hitman3000

Can't offer you advice OP but it sounds to me it's not just you that is lucky. Kevin is also. Friends like you only come along once in a lifetime. All you can do is be there for him, help him and his family as much as you can and they allow. Remember to mind yourself aswell. Talk to a grief counsellor. You can't replace your friendship with Kevin but you can still make strong ties to others. Take care.
Sorry just saw your update. Sorry for the loss you have endured, hopefully you can see joy in the memories of your friend.

SirChenjin

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. There is no right or wrong way when it comes to grief so try not to beat yourself up about getting drunk and telling others about your friend.

As mentioned upthread, counselling might be helpful to you. It would give you the chance to verbalise what will naturally be very mixed emotions at this difficult time.

Take care and I hope that posting here will help too.

Neyite

Mod:


Hey Keyser, I deleted your post as while your advice was well meant, the OP's friend has sadly passed away.

Keyzer

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:


Hey Keyser, I deleted your post as while your advice was well meant, the OP's friend has sadly passed away.

Apologies - I should have read the full thread. No harm intended.

LegacyUser

That's OK Keyzer, no offence taken. By the way the mods can move this thread to the bereavement forum if they think it is more appropriate.
I went to the first home match since my mates death last night (as I have said previously we were both big Cork City fans and went to most of the home games together). I was there with another guy who I met through him and I was surprised how he was in such good form.
I was a little bit p####d off to be honest, I didn't expect him to be in floods of tears or anything but he didn't seem to be affected by it at all. I noticed during Kevin's illness (that's the name I'm calling my deceased friend) that he had been watching all the games in the World cup and knew everything about the games and the latest news from the team's camps. I genuinely could not give a s###e anymore. I was a little bit annoyed to see him laughing and joking and having the craic with the other lads.
He had been friends with Kevin for ten years (as opposed to twenty in my case) so the bond maybe wasn't as strong for him but he lived next door to him. He has a wife and children (I don't) so maybe that helps him to cope better. I suffer from depression (as far as I know he doesn't) so maybe that is a factor too.
I didn't say anything to him (nor will I) but I was a little but taken aback about how unaffected he was. I was quiet during the game because I was thinking of Kevin. I thought of him on the drive home after and first thing this morning too.

Big Bag of Chips

I have lost people close to me, and I have gone to their funerals and had a laugh! There's nothing wrong with that. Just because the other friend didn't sit there silent or spend the whole day talking about Kevin does not mean he wasn't on his mind. I completely understand you are grieving. But people deal with grief differently. For some it can come in waves. The other friend has a lot going on in his life. So while you have more time to sit around and think about Kevin, the other friend's days are filled with family life and all the distractions that brings. You don't know how he is on the quiet evenings. Or lying in bed etc.

You need to concentrate on yourself and your own grief, and not get annoyed that others aren't grieving in a way you feel is appropriate. It's still incredibly early days. But as time moves on it gets easier. It doesn't mean you, or anyone else will just forget about him.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I have lost people close to me, and I have gone to their funerals and had a laugh! There's nothing wrong with that. Just because the other friend didn't sit there silent or spend the whole day talking about Kevin does not mean he wasn't on his mind. I completely understand you are grieving. But people deal with grief differently. For some it can come in waves. The other friend has a lot going on in his life. So while you have more time to sit around and think about Kevin, the other friend's days are filled with family life and all the distractions that brings. You don't know how he is on the quiet evenings. Or lying in bed etc.

You need to concentrate on yourself and your own grief, and not get annoyed that others aren't grieving in a way you feel is appropriate. It's still incredibly early days. But as time moves on it gets easier. It doesn't mean you, or anyone else will just forget about him.

I am not talking about my friend's behaviour during the funeral, just at the match last Friday. Considering it was the first game we went to after Kevin's death it was bound to be a sombre occasion. But not for him it wasn't. I saw no difference between his demeanour last Friday and when we went to the games with Kevin.He didn't even talk about Kevin until I brought it up. The three of us had been going together to games for ten years (I had been going to games with Kevin before that for ten). If he wasn't going to think of Kevin at a time like that then I am pretty sure he wouldn't think of him at any time (maybe that's harsh). Anyway that's beside the point of my thread but I just wanted to reply. You are entitled to your opinion even if I don't agree with it.

Big Bag of Chips

I know you're not talking about the funeral, but it is possible for people to still enjoy themselves at events after somebody has passed away. I understand your grief, I genuinely do. But you cannot measure someone else's grief against yours. Grief is completely personal and subjective. And you know what, maybe your right, maybe the other fella isn't as upset as you, but that doesn't mean he's not upset. It doesn't mean he doesn't think about Kevin. It doesn't mean he wasn't a good friend to Kevin when he was alive. People will all have their own unique relationships. So the relationship and friendship you had with Kevin, would have been different to the relationship he had. Even if you shared similar interests. You're all different people. It doesn't mean your friendships were or should have been in competition with each other. Nor should it mean that now that Kevin has passed away that you have to be in competition with each other.

I hope you have somebody to speak to through this, maybe you could look into bereavement counselling in a while.

sunnyday1234

How are you doing now OP - are you eating and sleeping better ?