Feeling insecure suddenly - some opinions might help!

LegacyUser

Hi all,

So im with my boyfriend 7 months. We're both in our mid-thirties and so far the relationship has been really good, we both respect each other a lot, we're both considerate and we gel pretty well. He's not a natural romantic but makes a big effort to try to be... Up until now I haven't really felt any insecurity and even now I don't feel like I have a solid reason to - we're still talking about another trip in 8 months time etc....but it's like he's stopped trying or something.

We went on a 3-week holiday together a few weeks ago and this was a big insight into things. We had our first fight and the idealism of the trip was very quickly tainted by the addition of major jet lag and sleep deprivation, sickness etc. I noticed about halfway in that he was withdrawing a bit. He would spend hours watching TV or going for naps with his iPad when I was napping in the main bedroom. I reacted to this the first time and he explained that he had never travelled with anyone before and was naturally an introvert. I was understanding about that and figured a bit of personal space wasn't a bad thing but that transpired into him constantly being on his phone all the time - not texting or anything, just reading news articles or watching videos. I was a little pissed off, I felt like it was a bit selfish honestly but didn't want to create tension when we were on the other side of the world.

This then led to me asking him (probably too much) if he was "OK" I also felt a shift where it was me initiating the "I love yous" and although he was still affectionate and happy to say it back - it was just a bit of a reversal. At this time I had also managed to pick up a bad tummy bug which pretty much killed our intimacy for the rest of the break.

Since getting home things have been fine but I still feel like he's withdrawn a bit - he's a lot more relaxed and not calling or texting as much but also acting like everything is completely fine. When we were away we didn't really have any kind of significant romantic chats about where things were going or how we feel about each other where on a long weekend a month or two before that - we had loads of them...

I realise that it's not right to expect a relationship to be a constant display or emotions and affection and also it would be exhausting for one person to continually feel the need to try with the other - so maybe this is us just settling in? Or is it the start of the end?

One thing that I feel may have made a difference was after our first fight on the trip he was really apologetic, telling me he loved me so much and adored me etc etc. I said that I loved him too and if we are discussing things or arguing then the love element doesn't come in to it, that's solid and little arguments and discussions aren't going to impact that... he really reacted to that statement massively...like he was so happy when I said it. So perhaps he's just being himself now...this still doesn't really explain why he would withdraw.

Any thoughts?

LLMMLL

There's a big difference between the average extrovert and the average introvert, and in my experience, many extroverts seem incapable of understanding introverts no matter how much they think they do.

It's hard to tell whether your bf is taking a reasonable amount of alone time for an introvert and you're not being understanding, or maybe you're being very understanding and he is taking an unreasonable amount of alone time.

There were some things in your post that made me think you just don't get introversion though. Such as being annoyed that he went to a different room with his iPad while you were napping. Why would it matter what he does while you're napping? It seems the perfect time for him to get some alone time.

In my opinion, you're probably not that well suited. If his introversion makes you feel insecure on a short holiday, it's going to be far worse if you live together at some point. I know introverted people in relationships that basically need their partner not to talk to them for a while when they arrive home. I imagine something like that will hugely bother you.

Sounds like youd be better off in a relationship with someone more like yourself.

leggo

I mean there does come a stage in a relationship where making a concerted effort all the time would become exhausting. At the start it's like "oh yay I've met someone" and you want to spend all of your time getting to know everything about them, experiencing stuff together and getting the butterflies whenever you're going to see them because it's special. But that fades with time and eventually time spent together becomes the norm. There's no set time for when this happens, because it depends on so many variables like how long you've been together, how often you see each other etc. It just happens.

It can be jarring as you make this transition, especially if it's not completely in sync, but it's also not necessarily an issue. And it's where the 'real' relationship begins IMO: when the novelty has worn off and you're now evaluating, "Do I actually like spending time with this person when they're at their default? Is this what I want the rest of my life to be?" Don't get me wrong, you should always make an effort for your partner, but just not permanently because that's impossible to maintain and you have to live your own life too. So it becomes a case of stuff like watching TV and getting takeaways together, then making an effort for date nights, occasions etc.

That could simply be what's happening here, in which case the solution is easy: evaluate your partner at that level. Assume that this is what it is from now on and if you're happy. I don't think you should feel insecure at this alone, but if he never, ever makes an effort then that's an issue. That's tough for us to tell, you'd really need to log all of your time spent together and what he's like, so really you're better gauging it yourself.

Another issue that could potentially be at play and worth considering is that maybe you're the one who's off here. I went out with a girl a few years back who had mutual friends and, after starting really well, it ended suddenly after a couple fights that could've been resolved easily. I was shocked, but her friends told me it was par for the course for her: start a relationship, get to a point where the relationship gets real, ditch them, move onto the next guy she's in love with in a whirlwind down the line. I hear she still does the same carry-on today. It's a latent fear of commitment really, she enjoys the butterfly stage but has no interest in actually being vulnerable and intimate with people because she's got her own issues.

I'm not saying that's the case with you OP, I'm just saying it's worth considering. There IS a stage when relationships aren't all whirlwinds, butterflies and romance anymore and just the cold, hard reality of living your life with a partner as they get to know you, warts and all. Maybe your partner is the normal one who's ready for that and it's you who needs to examine if you're ready for it too. He can't always give you overbearing attention and love, even when you're together, and the same will be true of any man (the fact you expected him to still be around you while you napped is what has me thinking this might be at play). So if it's a life partner you're looking for then this is the offer and you need to deal with whatever it is that causes you to feel insecure in your own time. Just throwing that in there to give you the devil's advocate view to mull over!

wirelessdude01

To me it sounds like you could be the issue here. Reading too much into things. We men are simple creatures. Generally if we say things are fine we mean it. You don't need a deciphering machine to break bpdown the subliminal messages. Things change over time but you don't seem to be happy with this so maybe it is time for you decide whether this relationship is right for you rather than projecting your insecurity onto the poor lad.

Tell me how

wirelessdude01 wrote:

To me it sounds like you could be the issue here. Reading too much into things. We men are simple creatures. Generally if we say things are fine we mean it. You don't need a deciphering machine to break bpdown the subliminal messages. Things change over time but you don't seem to be happy with this so maybe it is time for you decide whether this relationship is right for you rather than projecting your insecurity onto the poor lad.

Everyone thinks they are simple, uncomplicated and easy to understand. Don't they. What lots mean is "as long as you agree with me".

As for the OP. In relationships, there is a honeymoon period where it's all exciting, all the time. Maybe ye have moved beyond that. We can't say here if he's retreating entirely or levelling off so to speak. There are literally 100's of reasons why he might be turning inward at the moment.

I think you have to treat this as the new normal and consider, in that context, if the relationship is right for you.

ITMissy

My relationship is the opposite I am the introvert and my husband is the opposite. Always wants to chat and hates me reading etc..if I am on holidays all I want is a good book and some time to myself.

I have had to compromise and make sure to allow him time for what he needs also. As long as he does the same for me.

There are different levels of introvert though.

LegacyUser

I'm an introvert so I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I enjoy spending time with other people but I also have to have a lot of me time or I become very unhappy. I find spending too much time with others is draining and it makes me miserable. So for me, I've always had to struggle to find the right balance between being with others and spending time by myself. It is no reflection on any of my family, friends or boyfriend. I love them all but I also have to have my space away from them.

All my adult life I've found holidays a bit stressful. It took me a while to figure out why every holiday I took used to make me feel miserable at times. It was because I was having to spend so much time with the person/people I was going on holidays with and I was getting cabin fever. So now when we go away I make sure I have downtime alone. It might mean taking a long walk or simply sitting on a park bench staring into space. Or sitting in a hotel room by myself reading the news headlines and watching cat videos on YouTube. It doesn't matter really. I just have to have time alone to do my own thing.

A 3 week holiday away would be a pressure cooker for me. If you can at all, try to find out from your boyfriend how he found that part of it. Did he find it draining to be "on" all the time or being taken out of a familiar environment for so long? If he picked up that you weren't happy about him idly spending time on his iPad and that you felt he was being selfish, he might be wondering where things are heading from here.

I don't think you should necessarily break-up because you're incompatible but you two need to have a talk. It is possible for an extrovert and an introvert to have a good relationship but both of you need to understand where the other one is coming from.

witchgirl26

OP honestly I think you're overreacting to things a little. A 3 week trip is a long time in close proximity for a couple who've only been together 7 months. I was with my other half over a year before we did a 2 week trip and we were living together at that point but god did it highlight a few things to both of us! It can be quite intense being in their company 24/7 and sometimes it's nice to not have to be on the best behaviour, like someone else said.

Nothing in your post would really spell alarm bells for me in terms of the relationship. I honestly don't understand why it would be a problem that he napped somewhere else while you were napping. In terms of the "I love yous", it may be that he doesn't have the same need to say it as you do. I'm very vocal about my affection and will say what I feel to people all the time but my other half isn't at all and while he'll respond when I say it, it's rare that he will be the first to say it. This despite him being originally the first to say it.

Honestly after my first couple of weekends away, the significant romantic chats completely trailed off until it got to the chats about the future, kids etc. I wouldn't take that as a big thing. Nor the decrease in messages. Unless you always have to be the first to text, at which point maybe just talk to him about that. It could be that if he thinks everything is fine, he hasn't realised you want more contact.

Contessa Raven

LLMMLL wrote: »

I know introverted people in relationships that basically need their partner not to talk to them for a while when they arrive home.

Is your partner an only child by any chance?

I ask because I am and I would sit pretty evenly on the introvert/extrovert scale but I love my own company. My fiancé and I sometimes chill out in the evenings in separate rooms because I need my space to wind down and before bed I'll come in and we'll hang out as normal. It doesn't mean I love him any less.

I'm just really used to being by myself. My partner is an introvert but he would like to hang out all the time. It was a sticking point for us for a while to find the balance because I felt suffocated that I didn't have any time or space for me. Sit down and talk to your bf. Explain to him that a couple of things are bothering you and you'd like some reassurance. Maybe agree to give each other a heads up if either one of you needs space to read the news/watch tv/nap/zone out/insert activity here.

I'm sure he'll be happy to reassure you.

ginandtonicsky

Is it his first serious relationship OP? You said this was his first time travelling with someone and his reaction to the fight seemed a bit like someone who has not navigated that territory with a partner before.

If it is, then perhaps he's just a bit clueless! Maybe he feels sufficiently secure in the relationship to not have to "try" as much, now that the early honeymoon courting-you part of the relationship is over. He's settling in and kicking his shoes off, as it were.

You really just need to have an honest conversation with him and ask him what's up. Tell him that you respect he's a bit more introverted than you, but if you're going to respect his need for space, he's also going to have to respect your need for a bit more contact and connection. Relationships are a two-day street.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses!

So many helpful points, thank you.

Things seem to be back on track (or in his mind, they were never off track) now. We had a chat about this over a takeaway on Friday night. He's had some other things going on that have been stressing him out, I was aware of those but he'd been playing them down a little. He isn't too great talking about feelings but since I mentioned I'd been feeling a shift he's been making a big effort to bridge that gap.

But yes, I completely agree that he shouldn't be expected to be on his A game all the time. I guess I didn't ever really think about what an introvert was...I actually thought it was someone who wasn't very chatty up until this thread so reading a bit about that elsewhere has made sense of everything!!!!!

In terms of me, I've been in relationships before, but this is the first healthy, solid one. All of my previous relationships, even though they spanned years and years were highs and lows, fights, breakups and reconciliations, arguments, passion etc. So, for me, it's weird just "being" with someone and it's an adjustment - but I love that.

Thanks everyone!