Boyfriend too dependent on me?

The Young Wan

I have been with my partner for coming on three months. I feel like he may be a little too dependent on me.

I've been staying over at his place quite a bit (we both live alone, but he has a double bed as opposed to my single bed so it makes more sense to stay there.) I've mentioned that I may stay at my place a little more in the coming weeks. He said "fine, but I do like having you around here."

Yesterday we discussed going to see the new Deadpool mivie. He asked could his friend come with. They usually meet up once a month to go to the cinema together. I asked would they not rather go together as before. "No. You're a part of my life now and I want you to be there."

His family went on a long weekend holiday around Easyer and he asked me to come with. By then, we'd only been seeing each other a few months and I hadn't met any of the family.

I worry that he's maybe too dependent on me and that I'm not getting a lot of time to myself. How do I mention this to him?

meeeeh

It doesn't seem to me as someone who is dependent, more like someone who is serious enough about the relationship for you to meet family and friends. Often people are pround of the person they are dating and they want to introduce them to the family and friends. If he starts to pressurise you to spend more time with him then you might have a problem. But at the moment it seems he accepts when you don't spend time with you. It could be though that he considers the relationship as more serious as you do.

woodchuck

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he's too dependent on you. However things do seem to be moving very fast, so maybe that's what the issue is? Personally I'm always wary of the ones who are very keen in the early days/months. There is a lot of anecdotal evidence that these are the ones who will end up disappearing or breaking up quite suddenly and unexpectedly

He could also just be very enthusiastic about the relationship though and seems very (overly?) keen to integrate you into his life. I'd wonder how his friend feels about being a third wheel at the cinema though and how his family feel about him bringing a girlfriend who they had never met before on a family holiday.

How much time do you spend together each week? It sounds like it's getting a little much for you if you want to spend more time alone. At least it sounds like he's ok with that though.

heretothere

I think he just likes you a lot! Just say you like your 'alone time'. I don't necessarily think relationships that move very fast are a bad thing. Sometimes you just know!

retro:electro

That’s not dependence. That’s normal relationship behavour. I’d be more worried about why you seem to think there’s something wrong with the fact he wants to spend time with you and involve you in his life.

woodchuck

retro:electro wrote: »

I’d be more worried about why you seem to think there’s something wrong with the fact he wants to spend time with you and involve you in his life.

I think it depends on how much time they're spending together.

Some people just to prefer to go at a slower pace. I don't think that's anything to be worried about (within reason).

Censorsh!t

I don't think he sounds too dependent, in fact, he sounds a lot like my own boyfriend, who I have been with for two months.

Like you, I stayed over a lot at his when we first met (this has changed a bit now as he has moved back home), and he had no problem telling me that he wanted me to stay over. Similarly, any time I have asked would he rather not prefer to do things with just his friends, he says of course not. And again, kind of like your situation, he invited me for Easter dinner with his family after us being together only a month.

While this is the fastest any of my relationships have developed, and I am aware it is quite fast progress, I don't actually mind at all. He is a very independent person outside of our relationship, and I understand that he is comfortable being with me and is just eager to spend time.

Saying that, I did find it wholly different from previous experiences, where I was used to guys playing a bit more hard to get and perhaps being scared of coming across as eager. I like that he wants to see me, and it makes me more at ease organising to meet him too (I'm usually terrified of rejection haha!).

The Young Wan

retro:electro wrote: »

That’s not dependence. That’s normal relationship behavour. I’d be more worried about why you seem to think there’s something wrong with the fact he wants to spend time with you and involve you in his life.

To be honest, I have no problem with wanting to spend time with him.i just worry if we are sending *too much* time together. For a lot of April we spent the night together and at one point it felt to me a little like we lived together. I like him very much so this isnt the problem. This is also my first serious relationship so I don't have anything to compare to as regards the amount of time we're together.

LegacyUser

Well I suppose it's a novel twist away from all the girls posting threads asking why he's not making more of an effort. Seriously, you like him very much and he's totally open to spending time with you and including you in his life, there is no dependency here. In fact, quite the opposite, he has at least one friend he sees regularly and family he can holiday with, so signs are he has a nice life and he's just letting you in.
If you have a question, it should be about your own behaviour; you spent almost every night of April there, so unless you were held captive then your lack of time alone is down to you, not him.

osarusan

I think the idea of him wanting you to meet his friends and family is separate from the idea of him spending too much time with you.

I'd not sure 'dependent' is the right word for either situation though.

Maybe he just feels great about the relationship and wants to be with you as much as he can, and also introduce you to other people in his life?

You have every right to feel that things are going a bit too quickly for you though. If you want to reduce the time you spend with him, I wouldn't tell him that you think you are spending too much time together - you could say that while it's great to be together, you also want to spend time with other friends, go out with them etc.

Conservatory

Dependent on you?
Sure you haven’t even got a double bed.

If he wasn’t inviting you to meet family would you be here getting told how maybe he might be married.

zapper55

I think it is a bit intense that he wants you there now for this longstanding arrangement with his friend..I wonder how the friend feels about it.

Look there's no harm saying that it's healthy for is to spend time with friends separately/do other things once in a while. I'd go a bit mad if I had to spend all my time with a partner.

Xterminator

Hi Op

what is

*too much*

for you?

If it interferes with your ability to maintain your own family and friend relationships, then perhaps you have a point.

From what you have posted so far, it just seems you are not as invested as he is in the relationship. and that's not the end of the world. Do it at your own pace.

But rather than arbitrarily rejecting his plans, just make clear you have your own plans and tell him, i cant go that night, lets reschedule for the weekend or next week.

The Young Wan

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

what is for you?

If it interferes with your ability to maintain your own family and friend relationships, then perhaps you have a point.

From what you have posted so far, it just seems you are not as invested as he is in the relationship. and that's not the end of the world. Do it at your own pace.

But rather than arbitrarily rejecting his plans, just make clear you have your own plans and tell him, i cant go that night, lets reschedule for the weekend or next week.

For me, too much is that in April, I spent maybe one night in my own apartment. For the amount of rent I'm paying on it, it worried me. But anytime I mentioned wanting to spend time in my house "ok, I just rather it when you're here with me."

I live in a different country from my family, but am going to visit next month (he will be coming for a few days). When they came to visit, he met them one night and I spent the rest of time with them together.

As I said, I haven't got a whole heap of experience in this area. So I did wonder were we spending a little too much time in each other's pockets, if it was going too fast.

zapper55

His response to you spending some more time by yourself is funny. You don't have to spend all your time with him if you don't want to you know. Even if its something he's pushing for. I can't figure out if he's being controlling or are you being far too submissive.

My response to what he said would be, yeah I get that but time by ourselves is healthy too. I'm doing x and y tonight and tomorrow. How about we meet up Saturday?

miamee

Just because he rathers it when you are in hos apartment doesn't mean you have to capitulate. You obviously enjoy spending time with him too but sometimes you just need your own space. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep in your own bed for a few nights so don't feel guilty about that just tell him that thre is nothing wrong, you just want a bit of time to yourself now and again

Labcoats and Running Shoes

I think "too fast" is dependent on the people involved. It may be too fast for me, but not for you or for him. I think you need to decide what you're comfortable with and go from there, for example, meeting the parents after 3 months might be too fast for some but for others they may feel completely comfortable with it.

Either way, definitely make sure you're a.) Getting time to spend alone with your friends/family/etc. b.) getting time to do your own hobbies/activities c.) getting alone time to do whatever you want to do. It's possible when you're boyfriend says "okay but I just rather it when you're here with me" that he literally means he's perfectly happy on his own but it's nicer when you're around and that's it. The only reason I'd be cautious is that I was going out with someone starting at the end of October 2016, by December I could count on one hand the number of times I slept by myself in my own bed. She said she felt safe with me sleeping beside her and she really loved it. By January I said I needed "me" time once per week to chill in my flat/hang with pals/etc. and her response was that it's important for us to sleep together so I can do whatever I want one night per week but I need to go back to hers at whatever time (even in the middle of the night) to sleep there. I slowly lost who I was to this person until I reached breaking point and left.

So yes, he could just be happy to be with you and want you to meet the people that are important to him and like it when you stay over, but just make sure you're also taking stock of what you need and want.

woodchuck

Only one night in your own apartment for a whole month :eek: This would be waaaaaay too intense for me in the early days.

As for him saying he prefers it when you're there, without more context I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he just likes having you around (evidently!).

Unless you're at the point where you'd be happy to move in together officially, I'd definitely take a step back and spend a lot less time at his place. That's just me though.

The flip side is that if your only concern is paying rent on a place you're not actually living in... then consider taking the plunge and move into his place! Only if you feel ready though. And only you can be the judge of that... just ask yourself if it feels right or not. Nobody here can tell you that!

The Young Wan

woodchuck wrote: »

Only one night in your own apartment for a whole month :eek: This would be waaaaaay too intense for me in the early days.

As for him saying he prefers it when you're there, without more context I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he just likes having you around (evidently!).

Unless you're at the point where you'd be happy to move in together officially, I'd definitely take a step back and spend a lot less time at his place. That's just me though.

The flip side is that if your only concern is paying rent on a place you're not actually living in... then consider taking the plunge and move into his place! Only if you feel ready though. And only you can be the judge of that... just ask yourself if it feels right or not. Nobody here can tell you that!

I wouldn't be ready to move in with someone after two / three months.

stargazer 68

The Young Wan wrote: »

I wouldn't be ready to move in with someone after two / three months.

You kind of did though - 1 night on your own in a whole month? How many nights have you stayed at home this month so far?

woodchuck

The Young Wan wrote: »

I wouldn't be ready to move in with someone after two / three months.

But you have essentially been living with him. Only not officially.

If you're not comfortable with this though, you should absolutely take a step back.

It sounds like he's the one calling all the shots? Make sure to speak up. If you want to spend more time alone or with friends or even just feel like sleeping in your own bed, then just say that to him. If he's the reasonable sort, then he'll be fine with it. If he asks you to stay over and you're not in the mood, there is a great little word that comes in handy: no

The Young Wan

Dovies wrote: »

You kind of did though - 1 night on your own in a whole month? How many nights have you stayed at home this month so far?

Most of them, for the reason that he's been away on an exchange with work since the 1st. He told me previously that if we had met before the sign up for the exchange he wouldn't have volunteered. That worried me a bit. He's also told me he would love if we worked together.

woodchuck

The Young Wan wrote: »

Most of them, for the reason that he's been away on an exchange with work since the 1st. He told me previously that if we had met before the sign up for the exchange he wouldn't have volunteered. That worried me a bit. He's also told me he would love if we worked together.

Ok it's starting to get into creepy territory now...

The Young Wan

woodchuck wrote: »

Ok it's starting to get into creepy territory now...

It's points like that were why I went for "too dependent". Any tips on how to get him to relax the grip a little?

laserlad2010

The Young Wan wrote: »

It's points like that were why I went for "too dependent". Any tips on how to get him to relax the grip a little?

I'm concerned. This seems like the start of a controlling relationship.

You've mentioned you're inexperienced in relationships... That's a massive risk factor for being sucked into an abusive relationship.

His response is bizarre "I prefer when you're here". Not that he misses you. That you're to stay with him.

I think you should bring it up on a walk along somewhere more public. Tell him you're going to be doing your own thing more often, but that you're committed to him. See how he responds.

If he gets angry, upset, or sulks... dump him. Honestly, I don't feel I'm being too harsh - a rational person would respect your space, someone who wants to control you will guilt you into feeling like you're in the wrong.

If you decide to stay, be very vigilant for any signs of an abusive partner - as anyone should be in a new relationship.

www.womensaid.ie
www.amen.ie

The Young Wan

laserlad2010 wrote: »

I'm concerned. This seems like the start of a controlling relationship.

You've mentioned you're inexperienced in relationships... That's a massive risk factor for being sucked into an abusive relationship.

His response is bizarre "I prefer when you're here". Not that he misses you. That you're to stay with him.

I think you should bring it up on a walk along somewhere more public. Tell him you're going to be doing your own thing more often, but that you're committed to him. See how he responds.

If he gets angry, upset, or sulks... dump him. Honestly, I don't feel I'm being too harsh - a rational person would respect your space, someone who wants to control you will guilt you into feeling like you're in the wrong.

If you decide to stay, be very vigilant for any signs of an abusive partner - as anyone should be in a new relationship.

www.womensaid.ie
www.amen.ie

Thank you, I will definitely keep all that in mind. I'll bring it up over the weekend and see how it goes down.

leggo

I don’t see controlling personally. When you bring up spending too much time together, the first word out of his mouth is “okay.” No pushback, attempted guilt trips or anything, just an explanation. So maybe you just haven’t set your boundaries strongly enough. That’s fair: first proper relationship, not wanting to upset him or mess up.

But I do see the too dependent side. My one thought the entire time reading this was “He seems lonely.” Living alone, one friend by all accounts, wanting to devote all his time to you. As his girlfriend you’re also not responsible for filling in all the blanks in his life. At the start it’s totally normal to spend loads of time together and become a bit obsessed, that’s kinda what you want, but then it’s also totally normal to scale back a tiny bit because it’s important to maintain your own individual life and not forget who you are. So putting limits on it, getting into a routine of maybe staying 2-3 nights a week (or whatever is comfortable), that’d be the way to go and don’t feel bad for doing so. If he does start to pushback or guilt you, that’s when you get worried about all the rest.