New BF rarely initiates contact

LegacyUser

I appreciate this issue has probably be done to death but I'm a little stressed over it.
I've been seeing a guy for almost three months now. We live a fair distance apart and so only see each other on the weekends. He is ridiculously busy with work and so I have been very relaxed regarding the lack of contact in between dates. He very rarely initiates contact but will always message back if I contact him. He also constantly apologises for not messaging me more. I feel I have made allowances that I wouldn't normally make for guys this early in a relationship but I'm starting to worry that I'm being taken for an idiot. When we are together he is very attentive and often suggests and plans for things we should do in a few weeks/months. I have also met his son. He seems completely genuine but I don't trust my "man radar" anymore. My two previous "relationships" fizzled out and both guys eventually admitted that they only kept seeing me as long as I initiated the contact. In other words, they were happy to date me as long as I was keen but they weren't keen enough to put in any effort.

I decided to leave contact this week and I've heard absolutely nothing from him. I've now made other plans for my weekend and I'm trying to keep myself busy and have fun. But I'm frustrated. Am I being taken for a mug or can some guys genuinely be interested in a girl but be so busy/terrible at communicating that they "forget" to make contact?

JackTaylorFan

In a healthy relationship the effort should be 50:50. That's clearly not the case here.

I would be having doubts too. At the moment you are making it very easy for him to regard you as a convenience.

I would probably be shot, given the distance, but if you want to keep seeing him.

Hopefully you have the willpower to not make contact again until he initiates. And I would also suggest that if he doesn't do so within a reasonable time-frame, leave it.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure he's ridiculously busy with work? That is something of an old chestnut. In my experience, if a guy is genuinely interested he'll not "forget" to make contact. Nobody is ever so busy that they can't take a few moments out of their life to send a text. He doesn't sound that pushed, even if he has introduced you to his son.

WIZWEB

Early days though he's sending you a message that you're still not a priority. That scenario tends to get worst in time. Especially considering how you've been fobbed off with platitudes already. Give him this one more chance to change. If you're ignored or given more excuses you'll know where you stand though it will hurt but less than years of this. Also you've possibly sent a message of neediness (might be subconscious due to experiences with last two guys) and tolerance by being previously available and doing most of the chasing.

It only takes seconds to send a text message. A few minutes for a call etc. Sounds like out of sight, out of mind. If he does make contact and soon do not reply immediately as that displays desperation. I know it sounds like game playing but it is a message that you have a life too and are not always available at his whims. Do not change plans either that you have already made. Same reason. Oh and don't always be available for dates that he initiates. Especially if only overnights. As I said early days so you might resolve this situation. However if it's a scenario that's going to remain and you can't handle it then you need to consider walking away.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Are you sure he's ridiculously busy with work? That is something of an old chestnut. In my experience, if a guy is genuinely interested he'll not "forget" to make contact. Nobody is ever so busy that they can't take a few moments out of their life to send a text. He doesn't sound that pushed, even if he has introduced you to his son.

His work schedule is genuinely insane. He works a 'normal' job and then an evening/weekend job when he doesn't have his son. We've friends in common so I know he's being honest about that part.

LegacyUser

WIZWEB wrote: »

Early days though he's sending you a message that you're still not a priority. That scenario tends to get worst in time. Especially considering how you've been fobbed off with platitudes already. Give him this one more chance to change. If you're ignored or given more excuses you'll know where you stand though it will hurt but less than years of this. Also you've possibly sent a message of neediness (might be subconscious due to experiences with last two guys) and tolerance by being previously available and doing most of the chasing.

It only takes seconds to send a text message. A few minutes for a call etc. Sounds like out of sight, out of mind. If he does make contact and soon do not reply immediately as that displays desperation. I know it sounds like game playing but it is a message that you have a life too and are not always available at his whims. Do not change plans either that you have already made. Same reason. Oh and don't always be available for dates that he initiates. Especially if only overnights. As I said early days so you might resolve this situation. However if it's a scenario that's going to remain and you can't handle it then you need to consider walking away.

Thanks. Yes, by trying to work around his busy life I think I've been too available and now he doesn't think he needs to make any effort.

I won't make contact first. I'm stubborn when Im pushed far enough. Hopefully he will before it's too late.

ahnow

From experience it doesn’t look good, whether he’s actually busy with work or not, he sounds a bit hot and cold. Even if it is to do with work he’s set the marker for how it will be going forward, is that enough for you?

leggo

The fact that this is a recurring trend with guys worries me, perhaps you're coming across too keen? As a guy, it can be off-putting. I was dating a girl recently who was perfectly nice but I felt like she saw us as a couple from day one and was continuously 'writing our story' and making future plans for multiple dates.

On one hand, yeah it's great because it's right there whenever I want company or something to do. But on the other knowing somebody is that into you and will always text or makes the effort takes the pressure off you having to do so, but also it's tough to respect them as you'd respect a partner because you're still in the phase of feeling them out and they're already seeming like they're in love with you. I ended up feeling guilty about the disparate feelings and calling it a day with this girl, feeling like I'd be leading her on if we went further, whereas I'd have likely gave it a chance if she'd been able to keep her cool early on. Not to have me 'chase' her and be distant and emotionally unavailable...but just not to be so eager and came along at a reasonable pace. Might be worth considering for the future.

Here, it doesn't look good. Once someone sees you that way it's incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to undo it. The fact he hasn't texted you in a week suggests he either doesn't care that much or doesn't see it as an issue. I'd cut your losses here and start fresh with a lesson learned.

Sunflower 27

My partner is not a 'texter.' However, in the early phase of our relationship, I was not doubting his interest. If a partner wants you in their life, they don't leave you open to doubt and leave you to make plans without them.

No one is that busy that they can't take a minute to ask how you are or organise your next meeting.

At the very least, he needs to make more effort. In saying that, I wouldn't be holding my breath.

Plenty of others out there that will make time for you, despite a busy schedule x

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Some good advice. I'll take a step back, be less available and hope it isn't too late. What's throwing me though is that he's making plans for us several months in advance. In my previous experience, a guy who doesn't see it going anywhere won't do that. If I've screwed this up, at least I'll know better next time.

bottlebrush

If he has time to apologise for not messaging you more then I'm wondering why he can't use that time more constructively to message you to ask how you are, how was your day etc. If a person is truly into another person they will find the time especially in the early stages of a relationship. In this day and age of mobile phones instant messaging etc there is simply no excuse. When you say that when you were together he often plans for things to do in the future - have any of these plans actually materialised?
If it were me I wouldn't be inclined to initiate contact anymore. If you haven't heard from him all week then get busy making other plans.

doitlikeadude

leggo wrote: »

On one hand, yeah it's great because it's right there whenever I want company or something to do.

This stands out, and this is from a guys point of view. I think it may be relevant to your story OP.

doitlikeadude

Man Radar Broken wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Some good advice. I'll take a step back, be less available and hope it isn't too late. What's throwing me though is that he's making plans for us several months in advance. In my previous experience, a guy who doesn't see it going anywhere won't do that. If I've screwed this up, at least I'll know better next time.

I would need more fingers on my hand to count how often that has happened. Someone makes plans for the future and then poof. They're gone or break up with the person. I wouldn't hold too much weight on this, actions speak louder than words. It's an old saying, but when it comes to dating, it's a good saying

LegacyUser

doitlikeadude wrote: »

This stands out, and this is from a guys point of view. I think it may be relevant to your story OP.

So basically what I'm afraid has happened....he's enjoying it while it's 'easy' for him. But once I back off and he has to put in effort, he'll probably disappear.

LegacyUser

bottlebrush wrote: »

When you say that when you were together he often plans for things to do in the future - have any of these plans actually materialised?

Yes they have. But he recently suggested something for two months away and I laughed and said we were probably getting ahead of ourselves planning that far in advance.

In fairness he's been like this since the beginning. It's not that contact is getting less. He was never great at texting between dates. I've never seen him text or ring someone by choice - only ever reply.

LLMMLL

You're trying to use it as an indicator of how into you he is. But some people are just like that and while he may be into you, he may not be much of an initiator.

That said, even if he is serious about you, are you prepared to put up with this kind of contact long term. Because I have a few friends like this, and you start to feel like a stalker when they don't put in a reasonable amount of effort themselves.

My experience with people like this is that they don't really think about other people unless that person is directly in front of them, and that can be incredibly frustrating to deal with.

Also how busy can he be? Unless he's getting up at 7 and getting home at 11 7 days a week, he must have some downtime. If his thoughts aren't drifting to you on these occasions then I don't think it's a good sign. It's probably not about you at all. If he's constantly apologizing for not contacting you (and it sounds like you're playing it cool so I doubt youre picking him up on it) then it's been an issue with other girls in the past.

So I'd stop trying to see it as evidence of his interest and start thinking what it might be like to deal with long term. Because I doubt it'll ever change.

doitlikeadude

That can sometimes be a dangling carrot to hold your interest OP. The planning into the future.

But sure look, people surprise us all the time, nothing to say this can't work out. You'll just have to come to terms when you're out of sight, you're out of mind

TheChizler

How long are you leaving between talking and initiating again? For some people what might seem like forever can be no time at all for others. I personally hate having conversations over text, feel there's no quality to them so don't use it for much beyond arranging to meet. Same with calls really. Maybe he's a little like that? Do you see each other enough and how is the quality of those times?

Have you discussed that you'd like him to just say hi or whatever more?

LegacyUser

LLMMLL wrote: »

Also how busy can he be? Unless he's getting up at 7 and getting home at 11 7 days a week, he must have some downtime. If his thoughts aren't drifting to you on these occasions then I don't think it's a good sign. It's probably not about you at all. If he's constantly apologizing for not contacting you (and it sounds like you're playing it cool so I doubt youre picking him up on it) then it's been an issue with other girls in the past.

Honestly it's not far off that. The days he doesn't have his son he works until 11:30pm or later. The days he does have his son, he often falls asleep when he puts his son to bed - probably exhausted from the lack of sleep the other nights. He also works all day at the weekend if he doesn't have his son.

He has admitted / warned me that he is a workaholic and that it was partly to blame for his last relationship ending. I agree that it has been an issue with girls in the past - I feel hesitant to contact him sometimes even with just a "hope you're having a good day" kind of text because he immediately apologises for not texting first. As if he thinks I'm texting him only to guilt him for not texting me first.

redfox123

The workaholic things isn't going to change. He won't have enough time for you and you will never be happy with this set up, his spare time will mostly be spent with his son. So try to refrain from texting him, he may text you in a week or so and reel you back in but I would advise as it is early days to cut contact now as unfortunately there is not enough here to sustain a real functioning relationship.

leggo

Man Radar Broken wrote: »

Honestly it's not far off that. The days he doesn't have his son he works until 11:30pm or later. The days he does have his son, he often falls asleep when he puts his son to bed - probably exhausted from the lack of sleep the other nights. He also works all day at the weekend if he doesn't have his son.

He has admitted / warned me that he is a workaholic and that it was partly to blame for his last relationship ending. I agree that it has been an issue with girls in the past - I feel hesitant to contact him sometimes even with just a "hope you're having a good day" kind of text because he immediately apologises for not texting first. As if he thinks I'm texting him only to guilt him for not texting me first.

"People tell us who they are, but we ignore it. Because we want them to be what we want them to be."

A quote worth keeping in mind OP. On the bright side, the balance of evidence now you've added this would suggest that: he probably does like you and does genuinely intend/hope to do the things he says, you're probably not being too intense with guys and not to blame at all, and instead the bolded quote covers your concerns. It makes a lot of things make sense from an outsider's POV anyway.

He's told you who he is, straight and honestly. He'll work himself into the ground, spend his spare time with his son and will sacrifice relationships before changing. So now the question becomes: is this what you want? Are the scraps you're getting off him enough for you to live off? Don't assume you'll change him, I'm sure the people he's had relationships end with thought the same and learned otherwise, judge him and this on what you're getting right now and evaluate what you want accordingly. We can meet the right people but circumstances just make it unworkable. That happens a LOT.

LLMMLL

It does sound a bit that you're so taken up by the "how does he feel about me?" Question that it'll be a while before you think about the "is this right for me?" Question.

How do you see the relationship progressing? For instance the next stage would be the comfortable "what are we doing tonight?" stage instead of the "are we meeting tonight?" stage.

Is he going to be available to meet you? Will you be doing the organising with him saying he has to work that night and not suggesting an alternative.

If you're struggling with lack of text, how are you going to deal with that?