Girlfriend and I at a crossroads.. Advice plz

John.henry

Hi guys/girls john here...
I'm 27 my gf is 26 we have been together 4 years now , have had huge ups and downs but have stuck it out together..
She's a real lady and genuine honest caring person with a great job..
I have been in and out of jobs and can't seem to settle , I smoke (her huge pet hate) and I although I don't drink only couple of weekends a month she says she doesn't feel comfortable while I do... I can veryly drunk if i m left at it and have a kink were I pass out while getting sick, while this doesn't always happen..

HER WANTS
1. She wants me to get a course settle down and get a steady job..
2. STOP smoking (hates me for it)
3. Consider not drinking anymore

I'm happy with her and us apart from on my part I have a huge sex drive and sometimes it often gets in my way of life, we only have intercourse once every 2 weeks ,..
She's very reserved and vanilla and I'm the opposite,, I love lingerie and purchase it for her and she often says that's all that bothers me and sometimes she's right... She has has a very close relation be very sick for some time now and that's added pressure..

MY WANTS
1. Have a better sexier sex life and how to go about it..
2. Quit smoking
3. Control drinking and sexual urges
4. Get a career and keep my gf..

Sorry there's alot of reading , and we are meeting tonight to discuss us, I have lied in the past about drinking and giving up smoking..
Just want advice I'm really down bout it all..

P.s we have talked and tried these changes before

zapper55

You are both hugely incompatible. The sex issue alone is a huge red flag. Sex every two weeks with no kids etc. It will only get worse when kids arrive.

The fact that you can drink til you are sick is horrible but it's your choice. Not one I could put up with in a partner, but I wouldn't.

Look life is too bloody short for all this stress.

John.henry

zapper55 wrote: »

You are both hugely incompatible. The sex issue alone is a huge red flag. Sex every two weeks with no kids etc. It will only get worse when kids arrive.

The fact that you can drink til you are sick is horrible but it's your choice. Not one I could put up with in a partner, but I wouldn't.

Look life is too bloody short for all this stress.

But is there anything that can't be fixed or how to go about it ? Like talk is cheap but she is a genuine gem in lots of other ways too.
I'm probably 80per cent of the issue but can't seem to see that sometimes..

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

I am 35 but I've been there.

You will never give up anything for a partner or stay off it. If you want to smoke and drink you will.

I think look at it sequentially. At 27 you have had your fun, you will need to set out some clear goals for yourself.

1. Career

A career requires training or an education. Either a trade or a professional course. Depending on your leaving certificate or other qualifications it might be worth speaking to someone in an area you want to work in. Entry level jobs get a bit boring after you are 25 and up.

2. Smoking and Drinking.

I have done both to excess. Presently I am off alcohol but have drifted back smoking. Its so so so very hard and you nearly have to commit all the time.

I notice if I smoke I am a demon to be around. Same with alcohol. In the end I had to recognise that in Ireland we have very unhealthy habits around alcohol that we see as normal but are not. I am going on a stag this weekend and people will consume a minimum of 10 pints a day for three days. It's not sustainable.

The only way to quit smoking is to stop drinking. The only way to stop drinking is to have other goals to focus on- exams, gym, music etc.

3. The sex and relationship issues.

I think work on 1 and 2 for you. Sit down and make your goals for you and do them. Start with simple short term goals and work upwards.
If you are happier in yourself then your relationship will progress.
You might be incompatible sexually but if she is not interested in sex at 27 its not going to get better. Talk to her about it.

Best of luck buddy.

John.henry

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hello there

I am 35 but I've been there.

You will never give up anything for a partner or stay off it. If you want to smoke and drink you will.

I think look at it sequentially. At 27 you have had your fun, you will need to set out some clear goals for yourself.

1. Career

A career requires training or an education. Either a trade or a professional course. Depending on your leaving certificate or other qualifications it might be worth speaking to someone in an area you want to work in. Entry level jobs get a bit boring after you are 25 and up.

2. Smoking and Drinking.

I have done both to excess. Presently I am off alcohol but have drifted back smoking. Its so so so very hard and you nearly have to commit all the time.

I notice if I smoke I am a demon to be around. Same with alcohol. In the end I had to recognise that in Ireland we have very unhealthy habits around alcohol that we see as normal but are not. I am going on a stag this weekend and people will consume a minimum of 10 pints a day for three days. It's not sustainable.

The only way to quit smoking is to stop drinking. The only way to stop drinking is to have other goals to focus on- exams, gym, music etc.

3. The sex and relationship issues.

I think work on 1 and 2 for you. Sit down and make your goals for you and do them. Start with simple short term goals and work upwards.
If you are happier in yourself then your relationship will progress.
You might be incompatible sexually but if she is not interested in sex at 27 its not going to get better. Talk to her about it.

Best of luck buddy.[/quote
Thanks very much for the advice !

Arrival

I would simply never date someone who smokes because I find it disgusting and I realise how difficult it can be for people to give up, so it wouldn't be realistic or fair to enter a relationship with a smoker expecting them to give it up for me. I think that's really arrogant, even.

khaldrogo

The relationship is doomed.......


That said, you should stop smoking, control the drinking and get a career for yourself then the right woman will come along....

erudec

zapper55 wrote: »

You are both hugely incompatible. The sex issue alone is a huge red flag. Sex every two weeks with no kids etc. It will only get worse when kids arrive.

The fact that you can drink til you are sick is horrible but it's your choice. Not one I could put up with in a partner, but I wouldn't.

Look life is too bloody short for all this stress.

Yeah, I have to agree. You're not a good match, OP. If you can, try to turn it into a friendship.

Once every two weeks just isn't a relationship with a future. When you have your first kid it'll become once every two years.

That will mean a kid whose biological parents are doomed to hate each other.

No no no.

Big Bag of Chips

She needs to end it with you. Your smoking and drinking to excess to the point where you will pass out vomiting is very off putting for her, and I'm not surprised she's not too keen on sex more often with you. But, you have made your choices. And you have decided that smoking and passing out puking is the life you want at the moment. She now has to make her choices, she either accepts that that is who you are and you are unlikely to change, or she ends it with you because she realises you are not going to change.

You are not going to end it with her, because you believe she's great. So the choice to end or continue comes down to her.

Jenneke87

I find that when I'm not sure about someone or when they have habits or behaviors that really don't sit well with me I find that my sex drive just dies..the irritation becomes too much. I wouldn't be surprised if this is going on with you gf as well..

witchgirl26

OP if your girlfriend has a very sick close relative and she's stressed this may be why she's not really interested in sex. Speaking as someone who's dealt with grief, it took a huge toll on things like that. Different if it's always been the way but otherwise you need to cut her a bit of slack with that one. Also buying her lingerie if she's not into it might not be the best way to go about it. Maybe actually just talk to her about it. Some girls I know hate lingerie as they don't feel sexy in it at all but just a bit weird and uncomfortable which doesn't exactly set the right mood.

Look I'm with the others in that quitting smoking solely for her won't work - you need to want to do it for yourself and the right reasons.

As with the job - if you were early 20's I'd say that you'd have a bit more time but really at that age you should have an idea as to what you want to do. It doesn't have to be some high flying career or anything but knowing the general area and working towards it would be a start. Maybe go to a careers guidance counsellor for yourself.