What to do !!!!

Gutted_2018

Not looking for smart comments plz

Basically im 37 year old guy i have 3 other siblings

My old man has a multi-million euro business , all 3 siblings and other members of my family work there , but i don’t .... to be honest i’ve never seen eye to eye with my dad as he was an absent father as in worked 9-9 mon-sat when we were kids , he has no hobbies , i can’t even talk to him about anything tbh as it reverts back to business as always , i often wonder how the gell did my mother get married to him as he does absolutely nothing with her , granted she has a nice house and car and few holidays a year away ( with her sisters and not him , he has no interest ) but he is boring as f**k.

It was always drilled into us kids that he was doing all of this to make a life easier for us when we grow up etc and it will all be for us etc , but im 37 and a single dad of 2 kids and on the dole ( wow living the high life )

He’s honestly never been a father figure as in if i have any issues i can talk to him about , he’s never been that type of dad , its always been how much will it cost to fix it , when sometimes all you need is that closeness if you’re father who will listen and help you through things , i suffer with a mental health issue which i feel is 90% caused by him and his treatment towards me over the last 30 years , he has suffered himself when starting the business 40 years ago etc

Few yeara ago one of my siblings left the business to try something diff and stress or whatever my dad had a minor heart attack ( he’s fine now ) but my other sibling threw that in the others face that it was his fault , stress etc

So i’m gutted , depressed , sad , upset and much more over how i’m being treated , But i can’t say a anything to him over a fear if something happening to him , so i have to bottle it up , there is so much im bottling up

If my son came to me and told me he felt the way i do about my dad , i’d dig my grave tbh , i’d be horrified and so upset that my own child feels this way but can’t talk to me

Bear in mind what i’ve put here is only scratching the surface here , but i genuinely feel the black sheep and not sure what to do

Roger Hassenforder

What do you want out of this?
Communication is a two way process, and maybe not everything is his fault.

If he died tonight, is there something you'd regret not saying to him?

Say that.
See where it goes.

Good luck

Mrcaramelchoc

Wtf are you posting in after hours for if you don't want smart comments.

Outlaw Pete

Some people are lucky when it comes to their parents, with one or both, and some aren't, thems the breaks, all you can do is make the best of the hand you're dealt and try not to keep the cycle going.

I recommend the film ‘The Meyerowitz Stories’ in that regard, as that's pretty much it's central theme, and this poem comes to mind also.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hnfiBj9png

Gutted_2018

Gutted_2018 wrote: »

Not looking for smart comments plz

Basically im 37 year old guy i have 3 other siblings

My old man has a multi-million euro business , all 3 siblings and other members of my family work there , but i don’t .... to be honest i’ve never seen eye to eye with my dad as he was an absent father as in worked 9-9 mon-sat when we were kids , he has no hobbies , i can’t even talk to him about anything tbh as it reverts back to business as always , i often wonder how the gell did my mother get married to him as he does absolutely nothing with her , granted she has a nice house and car and few holidays a year away ( with her sisters and not him , he has no interest ) but he is boring as f**k.

It was always drilled into us kids that he was doing all of this to make a life easier for us when we grow up etc and it will all be for us etc , but im 37 and a single dad of 2 kids and on the dole ( wow living the high life )

He’s honestly never been a father figure as in if i have any issues i can talk to him about , he’s never been that type of dad , its always been how much will it cost to fix it , when sometimes all you need is that closeness if you’re father who will listen and help you through things , i suffer with a mental health issue which i feel is 90% caused by him and his treatment towards me over the last 30 years , he has suffered himself when starting the business 40 years ago etc

Few yeara ago one of my siblings left the business to try something diff and stress or whatever my dad had a minor heart attack ( he’s fine now ) but my other sibling threw that in the others face that it was his fault , stress etc

So i’m gutted , depressed , sad , upset and much more over how i’m being treated , But i can’t say a anything to him over a fear if something happening to him , so i have to bottle it up , there is so much im bottling up

If my son came to me and told me he felt the way i do about my dad , i’d dig my grave tbh , i’d be horrified and so upset that my own child feels this way but can’t talk to me

Bear in mind what i’ve put here is only scratching the surface here , but i genuinely feel the black sheep and not sure what to do

That all sounds very sad and a lot to deal with. I'm sure you're a great dad so hold on to that for yourself.

Please do get some help from your GP, problems like that can be overwhelming if you're already not well and you need to look after yourself for both your own and your kids sake. Talking things through with someone outside the family might help unburden you and help clarify your feelings. Your doc is the first port of call for help.

I hope you feel better soon.

qwerty ui op

You should try hang out with him more if you're feeling that raw about things.

What does "father figure" even mean, I would never talk to my old man about issues nor would I ever want to.

Old fellas usually don't go for that emotional stuff, they just offer you a cup of tea and you gotta figure out the rest for yourself.

bloodless_coup

You should show more respect that hard working man and stop blaming him for the ills in your life.

Hitman3000

Gutted_2018 wrote:

Bear in mind what i’ve put here is only scratching the surface here , but i genuinely feel the black sheep and not sure what to do

So your dad when you were a young lad worked hard to provide you with everything you needed. Now as an adult you are sitting on your arse doing nothing in the dole are blaming your Dad? Kindly p*ss off, your Dad set an example you choose to be a waster.

Overheal

I’m sorry that your life has been shaped by internalizing so much of your dads bs. However I think you need it pointed out he’s not going to change who he is. My own dad is great when you agree with his trumpian politics or want to talk about saving money but other than that he’s unfortunately a brooding alcoholic with a history of bursts of violence and has a spectacular ability to hold on to grudges from those he’s felt slighted by, even for decades.

Unless you’re contributing to that business I doubt he’s going to go out of his way to get you off the dole for instance. Frankly I wouldn’t bank on his wealth in any way for how you treat him - my own man relied on his as a cudgel to manipulate us with. Purse strings are puppet strings to parents, especially the bad ones.

Not sure what your goal here is beyond a vent but best of luck and don’t try to imagine a Hollywood ending where he suddenly becomes a good dad like dying Darth Vader or something. Reality is more glaring:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/wires/ap/article-3471242/All-joking-aside-comedian-Neal-Brennan-reveals-hurt.html

3-Mics is available on Netflix and you may find much to relate to there.

Rubberchikken

He may never be the father you wish he had been nor the father youre trying to be to your kids so tbh somewhere along the way youll have to accept that.

Why not just try to do something with your life. Be a good example for your kids.

jigglypuffstuff

Gutted_2018 wrote: »

Not looking for smart comments plz

Basically im 37 year old guy i have 3 other siblings

My old man has a multi-million euro business , all 3 siblings and other members of my family work there , but i don’t .... to be honest i’ve never seen eye to eye with my dad as he was an absent father as in worked 9-9 mon-sat when we were kids , he has no hobbies , i can’t even talk to him about anything tbh as it reverts back to business as always , i often wonder how the gell did my mother get married to him as he does absolutely nothing with her , granted she has a nice house and car and few holidays a year away ( with her sisters and not him , he has no interest ) but he is boring as f**k.

It was always drilled into us kids that he was doing all of this to make a life easier for us when we grow up etc and it will all be for us etc , but im 37 and a single dad of 2 kids and on the dole ( wow living the high life )

He’s honestly never been a father figure as in if i have any issues i can talk to him about , he’s never been that type of dad , its always been how much will it cost to fix it , when sometimes all you need is that closeness if you’re father who will listen and help you through things , i suffer with a mental health issue which i feel is 90% caused by him and his treatment towards me over the last 30 years , he has suffered himself when starting the business 40 years ago etc

Few yeara ago one of my siblings left the business to try something diff and stress or whatever my dad had a minor heart attack ( he’s fine now ) but my other sibling threw that in the others face that it was his fault , stress etc

So i’m gutted , depressed , sad , upset and much more over how i’m being treated , But i can’t say a anything to him over a fear if something happening to him , so i have to bottle it up , there is so much im bottling up

If my son came to me and told me he felt the way i do about my dad , i’d dig my grave tbh , i’d be horrified and so upset that my own child feels this way but can’t talk to me

Bear in mind what i’ve put here is only scratching the surface here , but i genuinely feel the black sheep and not sure what to do

Stop blaming your father for your problems

Start there...

Vela

We don't get to choose our parents, OP, but we can choose to walk away from them. If your father is contributing this greatly to your ill state of mind then you need to cut him out, at least for now. People don't get the right to fcuk us up forever just because they're our "parents". It's time to move on from your upbringing and live life on your own terms. It's the only way forward.

Malayalam

Not sure what to say, as everyone's way through that maze is different. It took me years to disentangle myself from the effects of a very cruel parent, and it happened mainly by understanding that their suffering in life conditioned them to not know any better than to be cruel, in a time when self-analysis was thin on the ground. They are old now and I have made my peace. No need for talking it through with them, most people cannot handle that kind of truth

If it is of any use here is a paraphrase of an old Buddhist teaching. If you can forgive your parent for the harm they did to you, the merit (insert word that you identify with eg wisdom, maturity, peace) you gain far outweighs the evil (insert word you identify with eg suffering, restlessness, anxiety) you would accrue from killing your teacher. (teacher represents the utmost good, in this context. IE if you did the worst thing ever. View the whole sentence as metaphorical, in other words..)

Without parentheses, for clarity - - If you can forgive your parent for the harm they did to you, the merit you gain far outweighs the evil you would accrue from killing your teacher.

Don't get stuck. Do something different.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Mod note: Hi folks, thanks for the replies. I'm closing this thread for a while as we move it to Personal Issues as that seems a much better fit for the discussion the OP wants. Please note the new forum and forum rules when it reopens.

Buford T. Justice