Wife suffering with depression - can't get out of bed

LegacyUser

Hello all,

My wife is suffering with post natal depression, since the birth of our first (and only) child 2 years ago. It very much came on in bouts of feeling up or down, but was manageable. She's taking medication and is seeing a counsellor, which seems to be working.

This past week though has been a very bad week. Since Sunday she has been unable to get up - the furthest she has gone has been as far as the bathroom, she has not come downstairs. Sunday & Monday weren't too bad - I was off work. Tuesday I thought she was fine so went to work, I had to return around 11am because she hadn't been able to get up and our kid was obviously looking to get the day going. I arranged for my parents to mind child yesterday, which really seemed to help and she was in good form last night. Woke this morning though, and she said she was panicky, couldn't move so I have taken day off.

She has explicitly told me not to tell her parents/my parents about this, and I don't want to break her trust on this. But it does leave me in a situation where I am at a loss as to what to do. Because our child has additional needs, I need to spend most of my time with them - which means my wife is left to herself on her own. I can check on her, but she gets angry/annoyed saying I should be minding child and that she doesn't want to be causing fuss/etc.

The really annoying this is that her counsellor is currently on holidays and won't be back until the end of next week (I think). I don't think this can continue for much longer, she has not set foot outside since Saturday and has barely left the bed since. I feel that doing nothing and letting things run their course is not going to work either, and I really don't know what I can/should be doing.

I'm not sure what sort of help I can offer without breaching her trust, as she does not want outside help right now. Any advice at all? I know I need to talk to somebody about this - any suggestions on good agencies to help the relatives of people who are suffering?

Thanks in advance.

farmchoice

if it was me i think id call her GP and explain the situation and ask for advise.

i know she asked you not to tell her parents or yours but that leaves you very isolated and under a lot of pressure.


she is in a fairly bad way so i think you need all the help you can get. again if it were me id d tell them all (parents, family) but ask them not to let on they know, ask them for help with your child and take all the help you can get.


hopefully you will all get over this and it will only be for a short while and i'm sure they will be only too glad to help.

Cash_Q

I'd second the suggestion to phone the GP. Tell her first and explain that you are concerned for her.

You can phone the likes of Aware 1800804848/Samaritans 116123 as you are living with depression whether or not it is you that is suffering. They might be able to offer some practical advice or maybe some ideas on how to broach the subject of seeking help. If you suspect that she is experiencing suicidal thoughts then phone Pieta House 1800247247.

If you have any form of support or input with your child I wonder if you could contact them seeking additional hours. I know that services are dire as it is though so that might not be an option.

Best of luck, reaching out here is a good step.

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December2012

Do you think that telling her parents or your parents will help? Are they helpful people? Or are they judgmental?

Does she have a friend that you can "ask to call in".

You certainly have a lot going on. Maybe the first thing is to identify what you need help with today, and see if you can organise that, even if its practical. Also you could talk with her GP just for an update.

professore

This is one of those times where you have to disregard the conventional wisdom of putting your wife first OP -which is nonsense BTW. You need to put your family first. That means getting help for your wife as others have advised. She is in no state to make any decisions. She needs help, as do you. It's up to you to take charge of the situation.

lulu1

Get help for your wife op even if she's angry God forbid if anything should happen you would never be able to forgive yourself

picturehangup

Feel for your wife and of course, you.
Firstly, she may be very depressed and completely overwhelmed with a new life to care for, wondering how she can support this new arrival financially, physically and emotionally for the next 18 years. Your wife may not in fact be suicidal, but feeling in fear for her life, after delivery, etc, which may really have taken its' toll. I had a very close childhood friend a number of years ago who became very depressed, identical to what you described, but was not suicidal, and in fact the complete opposite. She was terrified of death for herself and her baby. Her fear was that she might be taken by cancer, and she analysed every freckle, mole, etc plus she experienced a very heightened and exaggerated sense of her physical self, if that makes sense. Your wife needs to talk about what is overwhelming for her. However, the pain can very real and debilitating as you describe. Be careful with antidepressants. I would consult GP asap, and I agree with some posters above. You have to think of the good of the entire family, even if it means breaking your promise not to tell her parents etc.
Please let us know how things are going for you. Support, hug, hold both mother and baby as much as you can.
Would paternal or compassionate leave be an option for you, OP?

wiggle16

You need to contact your GP about this OP. This is not sustainable for you. You are being forced to carry this by yourself. Obviously its not intentional on your wife's part, she sounds very ill - therefore she is not in a position to make rational decisions.

You need to think of what is best for your wife as well as for you and your child, whether it is against her wishes or not. It sounds like she is not capable of making decisions about her own care. The fact that she wants it kept under wraps is not sustainable, because it is not helping her and that is also taking a toll on you. You need support.

Contact your GP and explain what is going on and what further options are available - she is getting help and that is great, but at the end of the day it isn't working. Then, depending on what happens with the GP, make your/her family aware of the situation (i think its very unlikely they think everything is hunky dory, they might only be surprised at the severity and not at the fact of her condition) so that you can get support without having to keep them in the dark.

She might be hurt if you make decisions against her wishes but you need to do whats best for her, and her desire to save face is not whats best for her.

I really hope she improves soon. Very best of luck OP x

LegacyUser

Hi all. Thank you for the various feedback, it's much appreciated. Just an update on where we stand. We have arranged to see GP tomorrow. This was not much of an issue, her tablets are nearly gone, so it was going to have to happen anyway.

Her parents are aware of what is going on, her mother is good, but her dad is not (he's old school type of man "don't be talking about feelings/get on with it"), which is a big trigger.

I had to put foot down this morning, I needed to go to work (to answer an earlier poster, I can't take compassionate leave, I've been taking days here and there consistently for past year or so. Work are good, but I need to be around..), she had said she'd get up with smallie but couldn't, and wasn't willing (initially) to let child go to her parents'. I just went and brought child there (they live super close). She's now up and about and collected child from her parents', so progress I guess :-)

Slow progress though I fear, baby steps seems to be the approach that works.