Breakup or give her a chance?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

New poster here. I've started a relationship a couple of months ago with a good friend of mine. We've been friends for years. Anyway at the start (first few weeks) the sex was fantastic. Then the sex stopped completely. I've tried but she gets nervous and sex actually hurts her. Now to me that's a red flag that there's no attraction. I actually said this to her and said that maybe it's not working. We were friends who tried and no hard feelings. I've said this once or twice now but she absolutely refuses to break up and says she loves me. I'm currently giving it a try. Now here's the thing. She's says she's going through a stressful time with work and that is the case. She's in danger of loosing her job and was treated very badly by her boss. The second thing is that I'm her longest relationship at four months. She has issues from her childhood that affect her trust so all of her sex was quite infrequent. Months apart and never in a relationship. In fact I'm her first longish, not long distance relationship. We're both thirty.

We had a fight the other night as she can be quite jealous and I broke up with her. A friend convinced her that she was acting wrong and she apologised and begged me to take her back. I took her back on the condition that things changed.

I am happy to help her, but we've just started the relationship. There's only so much to take. She's also quite jealous and sometimes tries to make me jealous. In other words insecure. As I said I care for her but the natural lack of intamcy is making me automatically see her as a friend. Not that she accepts that. We had sex once in the last two weeks and I try and she turns me down most times. In other words we haven't the best foundation for a relationship. I don't think she knows this and I'm not terribly happy in the relationship.

The other night she shared a bed with a male mutual friend the other night out of necessity (male friend with girlfriend) and sent me a video of them saying goodnight and then separately messaged me saying "we're laying in bed now". To me this seems like she's trying to provoke a reaction. Anyway it's gone beyond jealousy now and I'm just unhappy and feel disrespected rather than jealous. Should I just end it or confront her about what happened?

Arrival

"and sent me a video of them saying goodnight and then separately messaged me saying "we're laying in bed now". To me this seems like she's trying to provoke a reaction."

Yeahhh, I'd be ghosting anyone sad enough to do childish disrespectful ****e like this at 30, nevermind considering continuing a relationship with them. They want a reaction, don't give them one at all literally.

JeffKenna

Jesus, cut the two of the out of your life right now.

Move on. A head wrecker like that will never let you be happy, so what’s the point?

Anyway, If the sex dries up like that it’ll never last one way or the other.

lulu1

I would make the break now at only a few months in you should both be happy but clearly you are not so i wouldn't carry on with it. It will only make it harder to finish it

Big Bag of Chips

Breakup wrote: »

but she absolutely refuses to break up and says she loves me.

It's not her choice! If you want to break up with her, you break up with her. You don't give in to begging or threats or whatever. You just break up and block contact from her so that she can't beg you.

She loves you? That's nice, but if you don't love her then it doesn't really make a difference. Are you supposed to just stay in an unhappy relationship purely because she wants you to? A short relationship where there's already trouble and breakups is never going to settle into a happy relationship.

If sex hurts her she needs to go have it checked. There could be a genuine reason for that. Sex shouldn't hurt (in general!). But that's not your problem. You can advise her to get it checked out, but it doesn't mean you have to remain in a relationship.

Bowlardo

Get out. NOW!

leggo

Yeah, I'd agree with what everyone is saying here. She seems seriously damaged and the coping mechanisms she's developed to deal with that only feed into her brokenness. Ultimately, choosing to not help yourself is a decision, not a sickness in itself. If she knows she has issues and can speak about them freely as an excuse for her behaviour, yet chooses not to do anything that'll lead her towards a productive, functional life, she's telling you she's comfortable in her crazy and not for changing. You'd be wasting your time trying. Get rid. I'd also start preparing for your friendship to end too because it sounds like she's not going to go quietly, she's got all the makings of a textbook jilted ex.

Another thing I noted: you seem somewhat insecure in yourself. So, it goes largely unspoken, but painful sex is quite common for some women and often nothing to do with the person they're with. Your reaction to that automatically being that she mustn't be attracted to you, coupled with your reaction to everything being to just break-up (only to get back together down the line), suggests a bit of emotional immaturity you might want to work on. It's very reactive and purely based around your own fears and insecurities. That's something you definitely want to look at, it might be a sign of low self-esteem that's leading you towards a damaging relationship like this where you should run but are instead here despite her literally sharing beds with other dudes and texting you to make you jealous while doing so. That's not a decision, that's a no-brainer, yet you're not sure whether to break-up or not...what are you punishing yourself for with this girl? What'll end up happening if you don't address this is you'll end up meeting a really nice girl, do your old reactive fake-up trick, she'll take you up on the offer because it's not a go-to adults should use, and you'll end up back here heartbroken.

Either way, the two of you together is only going to get more messy and damaging. Relationships like this can ruin lives if you don't cut the chord when you get clear warning signs.

backspin.

JayZeus wrote: »

Move on. A head wrecker like that will never let you be happy, so what’s the point?

Anyway, If the sex dries up like that it’ll never last one way or the other.

And the sex is never coming back either if it's already almost gone after 4 months.

Keyzer

End it. She sounds very insecure and immature.

LegacyUser

The other night my OH shared a bed with a male mutual friend the other night out of necessity (male friend with girlfriend) and sent me a video of them saying goodnight and then separately messaged me saying "we're laying in bed now". To me this seems like she's trying to provoke a reaction. Anyway it's gone beyond jealousy now and I'm just unhappy and feel disrespected rather than jealous.

She rang me and apologised saying it wasn't meant like that. I'm her first relationship and English isn't her first language but I'm finding it hard to forgive this. I know nothing would happen between them and she apologised. I don't know what to do.


Should I just end it?

LegacyUser

Hi guys OP here. She rang and apologised and said it was not intended to be like that. She's new to relationships and English isn't her first language.
She seemed genuinely sorry that it happened.

Ursus Horribilis

You don't seriously believe that excuse, do you?

MarkY91

Breakingup wrote: »

The other night my OH shared a bed with a male mutual friend the other night out of necessity (male friend with girlfriend) and sent me a video of them saying goodnight and then separately messaged me saying "we're laying in bed now". To me this seems like she's trying to provoke a reaction. Anyway it's gone beyond jealousy now and I'm just unhappy and feel disrespected rather than jealous.

She rang me and apologised saying it wasn't meant like that. I'm her first relationship and English isn't her first language but I'm finding it hard to forgive this. I know nothing would happen between them and she apologised. I don't know what to do.


Should I just end it?

She's trying to make you jealous. If it happened to me, I'd likely end the relationship. The video is what would push me over the edge.

Maybe it was totally innocent as she's from a different culture? I certainly would end it if she was Irish.

Mr. Incognito

I know nothing would happen between them and she apologised

I dont see the issue.

LegacyUser

Yes you should end it. It sounds unhealthy. Not to even mention everything else in the last thread you started.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I've merged your two threads. There is no need to start multiple threads on the same topic.

sozbox

Breakup wrote: »

Hey guys,
The other night she shared a bed with a male mutual friend the other night out of necessity (male friend with girlfriend) and sent me a video of them saying goodnight and then separately messaged me saying "we're laying in bed now". To me this seems like she's trying to provoke a reaction. Anyway it's gone beyond jealousy now and I'm just unhappy and feel disrespected rather than jealous. Should I just end it or confront her about what happened?

Sweet jesus. Are you so hard up for women that you'll allow yourself to be disrespected like this? There's only one response to this and it involves you not contacting her again and finding another woman who might actually respect you.

leggo

I don't get or buy excuses based around "Oh I HAD to stay in someone else's bed." Nope. I'm 30, would have a pretty active social life and don't leave the house without knowing where I'm staying. I don't go further than I can afford to get home and, if I do, have a hotel room booked or somewhere to stay sussed. If I deviate from my initial plan, it's because I choose to.

You're going out with a nutcase and you're asking for trouble if you continue.

I'm starting to wonder if this follows the old 'Brazilian/South American, way more attractive that you'd usually get with, is a complete headwreck but uses her culture as an excuse for abhorrent behaviour, and Irish lad stays because he's afraid of losing her' formula that seems to crop up once a month or so here...

peckerhead

And at 30 you're her first relationship, but the first few weeks the sex was amazing?

Are you stone mad?

Put away the little brain and get out, fast.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Sorry for the multiple threads. I started one and didn't see it on the forum so I wasn't sure if I opened it properly.

I have to clarify about the friend. She was staying in an Airbnb in London with her friend who we hosted the night before. I actually said I wouldn't mind her sharing a bed. I met the guy who has a girlfriend and isn't her type. What I didn't like is the video because I felt it weird. Her friend actually also told me he agrees with me. As I said she's 30 and new to relationships and has a large number of emotional issues stemming from verbal abuse from her father.

She's not Brazillian and I'm as good looking and more successful so I'm not staying with her out of desperation. We've been friends for years before this so that's why I'm giving it a chance. When I left before she was the one who begged for me back.