Forgetting past break up

LegacyUser

I am 22 and single for four years now. I had a boyfriend from the age of 14 until nearly my 19th birthday and I think he was really abusive.

For the first few years it was fine because we were really young, after two years the relationship started getting more serious. He would tell me about his depression etc, I wanted to help and listen, but he would sometimes say things like 'don't be surprised if you don't hear from me tomorrow' (suicide) and how he'd die if I left him. Looking back I thought this was just because he loved me so much and I didn't see it as 'abusive'.

When I was doing my Leaving Cert he went to college and cheated on me countless times. Things got so much worse, I don't know why I kept visiting him at college but I did. One time when I was 18 he held me down on the bed by my wrists and held his face above mine and told me about other girls he slept with and the things they had done together, how one of them was 'even fatter' than me. He pushed and shoved me sometimes too. He got annoyed over everything, one night in bed I sat up to fix my pyjama top because it had twisted and he ripped me back down by my pony tail. He 'wouldn't let' me go to the college he went to when my Leaving Cert ended because 'space was good for us' and all these other lies. I actually hadn't applied for any courses at that college so it didn't bother me at the time, but looking back it was obvious why he didn't want me close by.

So I started my first year in another college and I was so broken down by him I found it very hard to make friends etc. On Valentines day, he hadn't talked to me in a week because he was 'sick of me', i messaged him saying happy valentines day and that I loved him. He replied that he had a new girlfriend and she was the absolute love of his life and he had never known love until he met her, and we were over. In the months after this I found out he had been seeing her for months, and was also casually sleeping with two of his friends that I knew, and who knew me. His housemates knew everything he did, none of them ever told me and I would be in the house every weekend none the wiser. Sometimes this hurt me more than what he did. A few months later (no contact at all) he texted me paragraphs and paragraphs in the middle of the night about his new girlfriend and how lovely she is and perfect and she's exactly what he wants, basically torturing me.

As soon as we broke up I blocked it all out. I drank and went out a lot at college, never told a single soul about what happened, just that we had broken up. 4 years later I have never told anyone about any of it and for some reason it's all hitting me now!! I come from a normal family who would not understand why I let that happen to myself for so long. My dad is so much better than that and he would be sick wondering where he went wrong with me. We also know all his family and my dad wouldn't be able to hold his tongue. I know my ex deserves to face consequences but I can't deal with everyone knowing. I am 'normal', I am an outgoing girl, I'm not ugly, I did fine in college and just got my first out of college job. Boys do approach me and I like the attention but i never let myself get into anything serious and I never picture my future with a husband, just me on my own. I don't let myself picture it even though I know I want it.

Over the past few weeks i have been shaky, throwing up when I think about it. I have nightmares about it too and wake up sweating. I feel like he has ruined me. I have no one in my life that I can tell, I have thought about therapy but I'm afraid that the therapist will think it was some silly teenage relationship and why am I in therapy four years after it ended! I want to know how to forget about it again. It was really nice to let it out here so thank you to anyone who reads it all.

Sunflower 27

I think you would really benefit from talking to a counsellor about all this and examine why you allowed yourself to be treated the way you were.

He is truly horrible and seems to enjoy hurting you. Normal people don't do this.

I think it might be worth examining your self esteem as well.

In time you will see this man for what he is and be thankful you are free to meet someone that will treat you with love and respect.

I'm a counsellor and do not see your situation as "silly", quite the opposite in fact. It's time for you to deal with this and move past it and start enjoying your life.

leggo

I’m sorry you went through all of that OP. That’s horrific and very real, whether it happened when you were a teenager or not. You’re a victim who happened to care for a monster, it was horrible luck and you didn’t deserve or contribute towards any of the bad stuff. A counsellor would definitely understand that and, if you feel it would help (which I’d agree with), definitely don’t be put off.

You’re still at an age where there’s no pressure on you to meet someone or even know what you want, so look after yourself for now and don’t worry about meeting someone else until you’re ready. If it’s something you do want then a counsellor will help you process what you’ve been through and put you back on the road to recovery.

In the meantime, if you haven’t already, block this guy on all forms of media so he can’t contact and harass you anymore. You owe him nothing.

fineso.mom

"Over the past few weeks i have been shaky, throwing up when I think about it. I have nightmares about it too and wake up sweating. I feel like he has ruined me. I have no one in my life that I can tell, I have thought about therapy but I'm afraid that the therapist will think it was some silly teenage relationship and why am I in therapy four years after it ended! I want to know how to forget about it again. It was really nice to let it out here so thank you to anyone who reads it all."

You poor thing. That was a tough thing to go through. I had a similar experience once and I know where you are coming from, where you just want to skip the pain/grief/sadness and get to the next stage where you feel ok.
But you can't skip it, you have to feel the pain.
You say you blanked it out after he broke up with you, that's totally understandable, it was a rotten way to break up. But the problem is , at some stage all the pain and sadness/anger/hurt has to come out and be felt. You've managed to 'not feel' it until now.
Maybe you are feeling it now because deep down you do want to have a proper relationship someday and your brain and heart are in conflict.
I think you should absolutely go to counselling, and work through all of those feelings from that bad relationship. It's not in the least bit silly or unusual for someone to be upset about something that happened a few years ago, especially if they didn't deal with it at the time
He treated you horribly but he's gone now. You control how you live your life and there is no reason you can't have a happy one.

orthsquel

*HUG* OP I am so sorry this has happened to you, truly I am.

Yes he was abusive, psychologically and emotionally. Physically too.

The first thing to realise, is that it had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault. You are not to blame for anything that happened to you. You are not to blame for his actions, and you should not find any way to excuse them either.

The second thing is that this is coming back to you now. You've never told anyone about it, and it can be easy to trick yourself into believing you imagined it, or that it didn't happen, or wasn't as bad as it was. Talking about it makes it real, helps to acknowledge that these things happened.

I highly think the best course of action you can take for yourself is to start seeing a counsellor about what happened, and work through it and any issues that stem for it. You need that to heal and help yourself, to be happy in the future and see that you can get close to someone, to love and have it reciprocated, and picture a future for yourself with someone in a meaningful, connected way, rather than facing a future of distance and lack of love. You deserve better than what you experienced, deserve better than imagining a future on your own despite wanting more than that.