I'm an idiot

LegacyUser

I dont know why I'm writing this and I don't even know what advice I can be given that I don't already know myself.
I'm in a mess.
I got broken up with last week, by someone I had fallen for extremely hard. I'd been single for a few years before that, no dates, no interest in anyone, after I'd come out of an 8 year relationship. I just wasn't able to go through it again, and was happier on my own being single.

There was a guy I found really attractive, I'd see him most days in work but never spoke to him much but he was the only person I'd been attracted to at all in about 2 years. So I spent 2 years getting butterflies when I saw him but never actually doing anything about it, until he left - I knew I wasn't going to see him anymore and I just thought aw that's a shame.

However one night on POF I came across him and sent him a message, and tbh, I don't believe in fate but it felt like that. We hit it off, messaging for hours, and agreed to meet. It went great, and we became a couple. I was so happy - but I managed to mess it up. He spent a lot of time talking about exes and it got hard to listen to - lwe argued about it about 3 times in the space of a week (seriously, I'd point it out, as him to maybe tone it down, its hard to listen to - and the next day he'd be messaging me telling me about things she did or said) I suppose I just saw it becoming an issue and wanted it to stop before it went on for too long. Either way, it was too many arguments in too short a space of time too early in the relationship and he broke up with me.
He said he still likes me and wants to meet up but tbh, I don't want that. He still meets up with a few of his exes and I don't want to be in that category.

Anyway, since it happened, I'm lost. I can't concentrate in work, everything reminds me of him, I've no interest in doing anything,. I can't sleep, and the worst thing is, I'm so so lonely. I don't really have any friends any more - they're all married and live far away, and anyway its not the same. I have extreme anxiety too and its hard for me to leave the house sometimes.
I didn't realise how alone I was until I lost him - I've nobody to share anything with, nobody to care about, and I didn't even realise I wanted those things until I lost it.
He was incredibly romantic - I've never had that before - and I keep remembering all the beautiful things he said and how I believed them, and my heart is just breaking. I thought I was doing ok for so long and now I just regret ever trusting anyone again - everything just felt so right and it felt like the stars had aligned for want of a better phrase - he told me he felt like he'd been waiting his life to meet me. I felt the same. And now I don't understand how we went from that to this, and how I'm ever going to believe anything from anyone again.

Jasper_

Talking about an ex exessively or in an emotive way early on in a relationship is a massive red flag. You were absolutely right to argue over it the first time, the second time round you should have sent him packing. He may well of liked you, but ultimately you were just a distraction for him.

Do whatever you need to do to build up your own sense of self worth, because without it - the dating game came be a very cruel place.

Sephiroth_dude

I don't see how you did anything wrong, I would forget him, sounds like you dodged a bullet, get yourself some help for the anxiety, I think that should be you're first objective, then maybe you could join a club or something to meet new people, have you any interests?

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

And I don't mean to sound dismissive of this relationship you might have had, but it sounds like you put him on a pedestal for the longest time. As others have pointed out the constant talking of exes was a red flag. It comes across to me like you were way too invested and hoping he would be your solution to a bigger problem: loneliness - which you have admitted suffering with. I know it sounds counter-productive but hanging all your hopes on one guy and a shot at love is not going to solve that problem. I don't have the solution for your loneliness, but getting hung-up on what ifs with unsuitable men only ever made me worse. What has helped me has been getting involved in new activities and meeting new people - but again that sounds cliched and probably isn't for everyone - but I would stress that you shouldn't knock it unless you have tried it.

Also, counselling might worth looking into. Whatever else, it helps to talk to someone.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit better that I wasn't really overreacting - I did let it go the first few times but then I'd try to stop it in a light hearted way, which he took major offence to. So that's his issue to work out. I did have him on a bit of a pedestal - he ticked every single box and was like a dream come true - but I think he was just good at playing the game.

I didn't even realise I was lonely until he came along - I was happy out doing my own thing and was a bit resistant to getting into another relationship so I wasn't looking for him to solve that or hanging all my hopes on him - but that said I should really get my life into a better position so if this does happen again, I'm not as lonely when they leave. Its really exposed a lot of things that I need to work on.

I've arranged counselling for this week, I'm going to get to work on this asap.