How to make new friends

startoveragain

I'm in my early thirties, I was in a relationship from the age of 21 to 30...The guy was quite controlling and I let him gradually chip away at all my friends...Leaving me with just him as my only social outlet (a major regret of mine) anyway, I left him and very soon after I met someone else, together almost 3 years and couldn't be happier but the only thing missing is my social circle, he has lots of friends and I find it very embarrassing when we have an event and only my family show as I've hardly any friends, admittedly it's my own fault for choosing my ex partner over my friends in the first place. Has anyone any advice as to how I could make new friendships?

joeguevara

Just a couple of points that I have learned. No one has a load of friends. Acquaintances who turn up to parties are one thing but few of them would really have your back when times are tough. Also, your family will be there through thick and thin and if you have a good relationship with them then that is worth everything. It is important that you have people outside your bf as that is healthy.

Is there any of your old friends that you can reconnect with? Longtime friends can pick up after years. It is very difficult to make real friends as it has to be organic. Also you never know how good a friend it is until it is tested.

Finally if you are happy in your own company that is important too. Also it will draw people to you. Don’t stress too much about the past. You seem to be in a good place with a new relationship, family etc.

startoveragain

Thank you for your reply, that has put alot in to perspective and made me feel a bit better. I did try to reconnect with one of my oldest pals (I fell out with her when I was in the previous relationship) I explained why I cut her off and she understands ECT...But still seems distant and cold when we chat and almost can't wait to end the chat (maybe I'm just being paranoid)..I agree , making new friends would feel a little forced. I live in a different county from old friends and family , I'm planning on staying in my mams house and my brother is coming over too, (leaving my bf at home) we rarely spend time apart, maybe I should start doing this more often and while I'm visiting I could try see if anyone is free for a coffee, I just feel so anxious and a bit vulnerable reaching out with the possibility of them saying they're busy ( my old circle)...

joeguevara

Just remember that sometimes people are just busy. Don’t overthink it because it may come across as needy. If it becomes a pattern then it is what it is.

Also they are going to be cautious after what happened. Explain you made a mistake. If they are friends they should understand. Learn from your mistakes and try not to let it happen again.

Finally you can make new friends but it is a different relationship and dynamic in your 30s. Hobby’s are the way to do this. It is easier for blokes because football, Gaa and hurling etc are easy openers and it’s not as strange to strike up conversations in a pub, especially if they are by themselves. A friend of mine met her now best friend at a makeup class. Each to their own.

Focus on the positives. You have a lot going for you.

qwerty13

This struck me “(leaving my bf at home) we rarely spend time apart, maybe I should start doing this more often and while I'm visiting I could try see if anyone is free for a coffee, I just feel so anxious and a bit vulnerable reaching out with the possibility of them saying they're busy ( my old circle)...”

You should consider having more time / activities without your BF. I don’t mean leading separate lives socially, but I don’t consider it healthy to invest all of your social interaction in 1 person - and certainly not for the 2nd time, as you know that didn’t turn out well for you in your last relationship. Also, I think you might find that single friends aren’t generally too enthusiastic about spending time with a couple (unless in a group).

You also might find it easier to make new friends and reconnect with old friends without your BF in tow. Friends (old & new) need to connect with you. Not you as part of a couple.

I know it’s a bit scary re reaching out to old friends, but they might genuinely be busy. Also, you hurt them by cutting them off, so you need to cut them a bit of slack if they’re not overly receptive right away.

Rubberchikken

You were in a relationship for a long time, not a good one, but one nevertheless. You said you started this one soon aftet finishing with the other guy. Have you given yourself time? Its good that youre willing to do things without your bf, you need to.
Try and reconnect with some old friends, they probably saw what a jerk the first guy was and couldnt do anything about it.
Also join something that you'd enjoy. A shared experience helps build friendships.

startoveragain

Thank you, I appreciate all the advice...Yes I definitely need to address how dependant I am on him. I wasn't supposed to jump straight in to a relationship but it just felt right and even though I was in such a long term relationship, it was over for me for the last three years, and close to the end I think he realised it was over for him too...But because all we had was each other making the break was hard. Myself and my partner have a baby together, that's my main excuse for not socializing but I am definitely addressing is...Hence the title of my post. I realised it's not healthy but we are both as needy as each other. When I leave or vica versa we are still in a ridiculous amount of contact. As for my old friends, I know I'm at fault so I'm going to reach out, the thing is I would never come across as needy to a friend and that's what's stopping me trying too
much.

December2012

Do you work or have any hobbies? What are your opportunities for socialising?

startoveragain

No I don't work as I mind my baby, I had worked prior to that for 15 years with no break (not looking for praise, just trying to paint a picture ) . I also live in a remote place now so I'm not near anyone.

December2012

Any mother and baby groups?

Airyfairy12

Ive had plenty of friends over the years who ditched me and other friends when they got into a relationship only to reach out when the relationship ended and although I did allow for us to be friends again I couldnt shake the feeling of being used. I was also the only one to take these friends back, the others had moved on and felt no want or need to reconnect. Ive also had friends who would bring their boyfriend everywhere or be glued to their phone texting their boyfriend when we met up and if im honest, its annoying and again only left me feeling used. There is nothing worse than a friend whose in a relationship has to check with their other half before they can commit to plans or we make plans to do something only for them to let me down because theyve made new plans with their boyfriend or if they do come out they'll leave early to get back home to their partner. Ive ditched friends over this before because whats the point? Friendships take two and one person cant do all the contributing.
Its also not healthy and to be honest when I meet someone whose that dependant on their other half I instantly think of them as being incredibly immature. Its a type of relationship common with teenagers and young people.
Its important to put effort into all of your relationships, people arent disposable and if you treat friends like theyre only useful when you feel like it you will end up with no one.
You might feel very comfortable and attached to your boyfriend but thats likely because you dont have other people to occupy your time and mind with. If youre only focused on one person, that person becomes your obsession and with that come obsessive feelings.
Start creating some hobbies and interests outside of the relationship, could be as simple as signing up for an art or cookery class. Then maybe add in a yoga or meditation class once a week - now you have two things to attend every week that dont involve your partner. Build up some independence and from there start trying to make friends.

startoveragain

I'm starting a mother and baby group Wednesday, I'm also going to go to the christening of one of my old friends babies. I text her yesterday and we got chatting and she suggested it would be a good idea as neither of us have seen each other's babies yet, thank you everyone for the the advice, bar one or two patronizing overtones, it's all been very helpful, I realise ultimately it's up to me to create my own happiness and restore old friendships

kylith

When I found myself in the same position after a breakup and realising I’d drifted away from my friends I checked out Meetup.com. There are lots of groups for all tastes and I’ve made some wonderful friends there.