Girlfriend gets excited about seeing her ex

no88y

My girlfriend of just over 2 years is pregnant and lives with me which is great on all counts...
But I seem to have a problem with the way she is with her ex, they have been split up for around 6 or 7 years, they have a son that is 12 (that also lives with me) and I get on great with him most of the time... what is really getting to me is that whenever comparisons are made by her between him and I he always seems to come out on top in her opinion!! Also when she has to meet him every second weekend for him to take their son for the weekend she seems in really great form for the day of them meeting but after she gets home from the meet it's like all of her spirit has vanished and is very quiet and often spends time just staring into space, when I ask her how she is, she says things like "I've just faded and feel really tired" I understand that she is pregnant of course but she's not like this every other day, so I explain what I notice and tell her how I feel then we end up having an argument or there's bad feelings with us...
Am I just being paranoid here??

leggo

Who broke up with who?

no88y

leggo wrote: »

Who broke up with who?

She broke up with him, he's since married and has a child with his wife...

peckerhead

no88y wrote: »

...whenever comparisons are made by her between him and I he always seems to come out on top in her opinion!!

What sort of comparisons, and who brings them up, you or her?

It strikes me as more than a little odd that she should be making unfavourable comparisons between you, the father of her future child, and an ex-partner whom she left years before she met you (taking custody of his child).

Unless you're bringing the conversation around to this yourself, somehow?

no88y

peckerhead wrote: »

What sort of comparisons, and who brings them up, you or her?

It strikes me as more than a little odd that she should be making unfavourable comparisons between you, the father of her future child, and an ex-partner whom she left years before she met you (taking custody of his child).

Unless you're bringing the conversation around to this yourself, somehow?

It's more if we're having a conversation about something random and she will bring him up in into it say something like "well he didn't do this or he liked doing the other or he would never have done it like that"....

peckerhead

Forgive me, but that doesn't sound at all healthy to me. Nor this bit:

no88y wrote: »

I explain what I notice and tell her how I feel then we end up having an argument or there's bad feelings with us...

It sounds like she's having regrets and feeling guilty for it. That's a pretty potent mix, at the best of times.

You said you were happy that she was pregnant; do you mind my asking if it was planned?

no88y

peckerhead wrote: »

Forgive me, but that doesn't sound at all healthy to me. Nor this bit: It sounds like she's having regrets and feeling guilty for it. That's a pretty potent mix, at the best of times.

You said you were happy that she was pregnant; do you mind my asking if it was planned?

Ah yeah very happy the majority of the time, she's a good woman and mother... yes it was planned.

peckerhead

Well then, if she's chosen to be with you and particularly to have a kid with you, the least you should be able to do is tell her how you feel without it turning into a row.

Her behaviour as you describe it is not OK; she comes across very manipulative to me. But I'm making allowance for the fact that she's pregnant (boo! hiss! Yeah, I know...)

Tell you one thing; if the positions were reversed and she saw you getting so excited to go and meet up with your ex, and all wistful and staring off into space after each meet, you'd see another side to her pretty damn quick.

You need to talk about this. Seriously.

Big Bag of Chips

He was a big part of her life, obviously at one time. She may be looking back on it with rose tinted glasses. But she did walk away, for various reasons. Nobody walks out on a relationship involving a child too easily.

I wouldn't be sure that she has feelings for him or prefers him to you, or whatever you are thinking. But maybe she is remembering the good bits and forgetting the bad bits, and then when you bring it to her attention she understandably gets defensive and it turns into an argument. When you point it out to her, how do you do it? So you get defensive? Do you attack what she says. You don't have to answer that heard, but bear it in mind. One person can't argue with themselves. It has to be a two way street.

You need to bring it up how hurtful it is to you to feel like you are always coming out second to him. Don't get personal, don't get sarcastic or angry, and don't let voices be raised. She can't argue with how you FEEL. She might try argue that you're wrong in thinking she thinks that etc, but if you tell her that that's how it makes you feel when she says stuff like that then she will have to accept that.

Talking to her, outside of an argument about it, is the only way to deal with it.

bee06

Has this been going on since before she was pregnant or just since she got pregnant? If it’s just since she got pregnant, I hate bringing out the pregnancy hormones excuse but, I found things that my husband did that never bothered me before used to drive me crazy while pregnant.

Jaysci20

How long is she spending with her ex when she visits him? Is it in a public place they meet?

no88y

bee06 wrote: »

Has this been going on since before she was pregnant or just since she got pregnant? If it’s just since she got pregnant, I hate bringing out the pregnancy hormones excuse but, I found things that my husband did that never bothered me before used to drive me crazy while pregnant.

Always was on high before she met him before she got pregnant.... I know she loves me dearly and wants to be with me, she even accepted my marriage proposal at Xmas and he proposed while they were together but she declined that... maybe it is hormones and I'm reading too much into it 🙄😥

no88y

Jaysci20 wrote: »

How long is she spending with her ex when she visits him? Is it in a public place they meet?

Ah not long, like 10 minutes or so, sometimes I go with her, in a public place

pickarooney

Shot in the dark: maybe she's happy to get a rare bit of alone time with you and you're not making good on the opportunity?

carolmon

maybe she's missing her child when she hands him over for access?

she could be a bit sad or pensive about the past, especially now she's pregnant and you and the new baby will have the full family package and her first child doesn't?

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

no88y

carolmon wrote: »

maybe she's missing her child when she hands him over for access?

she could be a bit sad or pensive about the past, especially now she's pregnant and you and the new baby will have the full family package and her first child doesn't?

No I know that her first born doesn't really have that but he sort of does living with me and his mum.... but she does say she's glad of the break while he's away for the odd weekend...

leggo

Patww79 wrote: »

To be honest it sounds like she'd be gone in a flash if he even hinted at it, but with him being married then things have a good chance of going on as they are if you're happy with that.


_

There are a million things this could be (including: all in the OP’s head). We have zero evidence that she’d be gone in a flash if this guy was interested. In fact, considering she said no to a marriage proposal and broke up with him, the actual evidence sans irrational paranoia points in completely the opposite direction there.

TheBoyConor

She seems to have this guy on a pedestal and clearly thinks a lot of him even though he's an ex now.

But Im just wondering OP, can you be 100% sure that her current pregnancy is yours?

no88y

TheBoyConor wrote: »

She seems to have this guy on a pedestal and clearly thinks a lot of him even though he's an ex now.

But Im just wondering OP, can you be 100% sure that her current pregnancy is yours?

lol I'll only know when it arrives lol but yes I trust her like that, never once did I mention not trusting her, I have no doubts whatsoever there buddy...
As for having him on a pedestal I sort of agree, they were together a long time....

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

leggo

Patww79 wrote: »

That's what it looks like to me anyway. I can be as sure I'm right as you can be as sure you are, but I'm just saying that if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck then sometimes it actually is a duck, and the OP in these cases isn't always automatically the one at fault.

Being sure about a situation involving two people you don’t know, while only getting one account from someone who isn’t sure about the situation himself...there’s your first problem.

I’m not blaming the OP, I’m not even making an assertion and being ‘sure’ of anything. I’m just saying there’s actually no evidence whatsoever that this person’s partner would leave the OP if given the opportunity. It’s something I doubt even she’d be sure about herself, even in the unlikely event his worst fears are the case. So to publicly say you’re, and again I quote, ‘sure’ this is what’s happening is mental.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

fungun

why did they break up do you know?

Ive seen situations where Ive watched the same thing happen - seen a female friend of mine who really lights up with their ex, and almost felt sorry for the current partner. I actually said it to her - she said her partner had seen it also, and that she did tell him that she clearly chose him and he should trust that. I mentioned to her that even with that, its hard to see your partner be 'happier' with someone else. Her response was that yes, her ex really inspired her and she felt really alive with him, but that same feeling had a really bad side which meant it didnt work for them to be together as they clashed a lot also.

For me, Id find that difficult....seeing my partner light up more with someone else. But she knew her feelings and felt that she still loved her partner more, and he was grand with this.

Hope that might make sense

Jaysci20

no88y wrote: »

lol I'll only know when it arrives lol but yes I trust her like that, never once did I mention not trusting her, I have no doubts whatsoever there buddy...
As for having him on a pedestal I sort of agree, they were together a long time....

That's good you trust her.

If you're in any doubt, you can avail of discreet DNA test services online when the baby arrives. You might want to get the sample sent to an address other than the home address though in case your other half opens the results.

In terms of her lighting up when she sees him, absence makes the heart grow fonder. To use another cliché, what's seldom is wonderful. If the roles were reversed and she was now with him 24/7 and only saw you on occasion, she'd be excited whenever she saw you. Human behaviour, the thrill of novelty and all that.