Developing relationships and a social life in your late 30s

LegacyUser

I am trying hard to change my life for the better, I've quit drinking and started losing weight. Both of these things are tough but they are something I can 100% control. However I moved to my current town 10 years ago for work and I have very little friends or a social network out side of work. The only social interaction I have with people in fact is in work, I have had very little success with developing romantic relationships with women throughout the years. Not because I have tried and failed but because I have had self esteem issues and haven't bother trying. From time to time I tend to get little crushes on girls in work with usually end in disappointment, I haven't had those feelings in a while but its back again for someone I recently met in work. Its super motivating with regards to losing weight and keeping off the drink and whilst she seems like a very nice girl I know these feelings are a bi product of me having very little else going on in my life and the hope kind of gives one something to live for. The big fear for me if I do eventually get into a relationship is that they will soon see my life is quite empty which will make them run a mile. I know I'm a good intelligent person with a kind heart and perhaps I'm judging people too harshly. Would appreciate some advice

Airyfairy12

You shouldnt be losing weight/quitting drink to try an impress someone or gain their attention. What happens if they dont show an interest in you? You go straight back to an unhealthy lifestyle. You need to do it for yourself. Fantasising about someone and a make believe relationship with them may give you instant gratification but its not healthy. If youve nothing else going on in your life then find things to do. Sports, yoga classes, art.. find some hobbies and things that make you feel happy. Could you get a pet? a dog would give you a great excuse to go for walks. Cats can be great company and very affectionate without being needy. Some counselling would be good for your self esteem too.

Sabre0001

For starters, well done on taking steps towards losing weight and quitting drinking. The important thing is that you're doing that for yourself.

Rather than fearing that not having social outlets will drive someone else off, flip it and acknowledge that it's something that you'd like to change for you. The typically suggested things are to volunteer (and there's always places looking for volunteers across a wide variety of topics) and to join social groups - Meetup.com is great because you can typically find something no matter what your interest. There are non-drinkers groups in case you're worried that these social gatherings will revolve around alcohol.

While outside interest can be a motivator, you need to be the motivator for yourself - if she's not interested, you could slip backwards, and if she is interested, it can become comfortable (people in relationships often put on weight!). Counselling for self esteem isn't a bad idea either, as suggested above.

baby and crumble

I actually have developed some of my best friendships in my 30's, and I don't really drink or socialise in any of the usual spots. So it's definitely doable!

Things like evening classes are great- you meet lots of new people with similar interests by default, and most people are there not just to learn something new, but to meet people. Most have a socialelement that builds up over time like a coffee after class, or something. I've found as I get older too nobody really bats an eyelid if you're not drinking booze.

I agree though to not try and develop interests as a way to 'keep someone interested'- you really do need to find anjoyment in something as a standalone thing.

I've actually noticed too that in your 30's and up it's not unusual for folks to go to stuff on their own, at all. I think for lots of folks it comes down to a bit more confidence that you don't always have to do the same things your friends do, so you start to branch out. So at events like talks or bookclubs, for example, it's actually odd if you go along with someone else, so being on your own isn't a bad thing, at all.

Is there anythign you've always wanted to try out? Like pottery, or life drawning, or learning how to code or cook? Try a once-off class, maybe, or a weekend thing to try it out, and then sign up for night classes. Honestly it's one of the best things I ever did.

whippet

I'm early 40s and moved to a fairly rural area about 6 years ago with my family and with zero friends in the area. Through getting involved in sports clubs and taking up a new hobby I have developed some great friendships now.
You seem to feel that you can only meet people through work ... I am the opposite; I get along with my work colleagues but would never socialise with them outside of work related activities. You can't choose the people you work with but if you meet people through a shared interest / hobby / sport you'll naturally find these people to be friends.

LegacyUser

OP here

Regarding that girl I have developed a crush on . This isn't an attraction based on looks even though I think she's gorgeous now. She's working here now well over a year and when I saw her first she didn't do much for me but she's such a bubbly friendly person and always wants to stop and chat whenever we do bump into each other which isn't everyday because we work different hours and in completely separate departments or if we see each other from a distance she'd always give a smile and a wave so its kinda just built up over time. On one hand I do realise my feelings for her are coming from a scarcity type mind set because I don't have many things going on outside of work in my life or many interactions with different women either so I'm fully committed getting involved in some activities like meet up, learning a language and martial art etc but part of me wants to see if I can develop anything with this girl, perhaps what I need is a rejection, the problem about asking her out is that's its work so it would have to something very casual , thoughts?

LegacyUser

I was hoping for some more responses since my last update

heretothere

Your reasons for liking this girl sound very sweet. Bar the odd wave and quick chat do ye ever get a cup of tea together? i know you said ye work different hours so that might not be possible.

I would ask her out, something very casual (not the cinema!) I don't know how big the area you live in is, if it was my local town your only real option would be to go for a drink some evening but you don't have to drink alcohol. If you are somewhere bigger there might be a nice cafe ye could go to?