Estranged family with illness

vg88

My brother and sister (in their 20s) are estranged from my father who lives away and his side of the family for the last few years. I'm in regular contact with my father about this and hopefully it'll be ok!

As the title states, my father recently got diagnosed with a low form of cancer and is getting surgery tomorrow to remove it.

MY siblings know nothing about him or it. I still live at home so I have regular contact with them and it's extremely difficult not to say it to them. Is it better off they don't know as it's been many years since they stopped contact or should I mention it? I appreciate any opinions in this.

Tokyo

Personally I would say it to them. What they choose to do with that information after that is up to them.

vg88

mike_ie wrote: »

Personally I would say it to them. What they choose to do with that information after that is up to them.

I really wanted to. But I had experience with them before with my grandmother who was 92 and went A&E for major surgery and they didn't blink an eye lid. I had a major falling out with them over this.

I don't know if they care or what. I was thinking I would only say something if it was life threatening as I couldn't take this reaction well again. It really breaks my heart thinking about it.

Tom Mann Centuria

You can't affect how they'll react but if you tell them at least you won't be worrying about should you or shouldn't you tell them as well as your father's illness.

Unless your dad has told you not to, I'd tell them.

wiggle16

You should tell them. As other posters have pointed out, it's up to them what to do with the info and it's not a secret, they just have no way of knowing.

As an aside, if your father's illness became worse, you would likely feel guilty for not telling them earlier. You cannot make them care but at least you'll know you have done your part.

hairyprincess

Does your Dad want them to know? If not, it’s not your place to tell them. It’s his decision.

Pelvis

moloner4 wrote: »

I really wanted to. But I had experience with them before with my grandmother who was 92 and went A&E for major surgery and they didn't blink an eye lid. I had a major falling out with them over this.

I don't know if they care or what. I was thinking I would only say something if it was life threatening as I couldn't take this reaction well again. It really breaks my heart thinking about it.

You should tell them simply to give them the facts. What they do with the information is up to them, you have no right to react either way.

notsoyoungwan

I would think it’s up to your Dad to tell them (or ask you to tell them) if he wants to do so. It’s not your news to tell.

If they’ve decided to cut off your Dad then, to be blunt about it, these are the consequences. They don’t necessarily get to ride in and play happy families when it suits them after years of ignoring him. Your Dad might have no interest whatsoever in telling them or in reconnecting.

qwerty13

Initially I was going to say that you should tell them, and then it’s up to them to choose what to do. But having thought about it, I think it depends on why they’re estranged from your father.

If he has distanced himself from them because of their behaviour, then I can see how he’d be not impressed if you told them. I would not be happy if I was sick and someone else chose to tell someone I didn’t want in my life.

It’s a hard call. I guess it comes down to why they don’t talk to each other. But that involves you making a decision as to who is ‘right’. And no matter which way you choose, there may be consequences for you, with your Dad being annoyed that you did spill the beans - or your siblings being annoyed that you didn’t!

Sorry, not great advice from me. It’s a tough one.

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scarepanda

Stay out of it, It's not your business to tell. They are all adults and If your father wanted them to know he could tell them if he wanted or ask you to pass on the news. If you take it upon yourself to tell your siblings your putting yourself in the messanger position and by the sounds of it deliberately causing drama and that could lead you to damage relationships on all sides.

Paddy Cow

moloner4 wrote: »

I really wanted to. But I had experience with them before with my grandmother who was 92 and went A&E for major surgery and they didn't blink an eye lid. I had a major falling out with them over this.

I don't know if they care or what. I was thinking I would only say something if it was life threatening as I couldn't take this reaction well again. It really breaks my heart thinking about it.

There's your answer. We don't know why your father and siblings are estranged but that is the way things are. You have a relationship with both but you can't expect either side to react the way you want. Has your father indicated that he wants his other two children to know? If he wants them to know, then tell them. Don't tell them though expecting them to be all supportive and then getting p!ssed of if they don't. You would be opening a can of emotional worms for yourself. That wouldn't be fair on you or your siblings if you fell out with them over your decision.

Graces7

Paddy Cow wrote: »

There's your answer. We don't know why your father and siblings are estranged but that is the way things are. You have a relationship with both but you can't expect either side to react the way you want. Has your father indicated that he wants his other two children to know? If he wants them to know, then tell them. Don't tell them though expecting them to be all supportive and then getting p!ssed of if they don't. You would be opening a can of emotional worms for yourself. That wouldn't be fair on you or your siblings if you fell out with them over your decision.

good reply; and this will not guilt trip them either . Just the information.

valoren

Your dad goes in to surgery and it will presumably be successful. Your siblings will go on having nothing to do with him if you inform them or not.

If it doesn't and things become worse then it would be for him to decide to tell them or not. It would just be to keep them in the loop, up to speed, it would in no way become a gateway towards a reconciliation.

John_D80

Just going by your post it sounds like your dad’s health is in no immediate peril for now. His situation may worsen but chances are it won’t, please god.

With this in mind I’d keep this news to myself for now, until such a times as his condition worsens to such a degree that warrants serious concern. If for instance his cancer is later found to be severely life limiting or terminal then I would definitely tell them.

At the moment I would agree with the posters who are advising that it’s mot your place to say anything but conversely, if the situation worsens I would say it will become your obligation to tell them, should pride/stubbornness/other prevent your dad from doing so himself.

No one will hold any grudge against you for saying it but down the line they just might if you don’t say anything before it’s too late.

splinter65

If they never make any enquirers as to his welfare then I would not mention him or his health at all to them.
Likewise if he hasn’t asked you to tell them then I wouldn’t bring it up with him either.
It’s not your row and you don’t need to be upset about it.
Good luck.