Am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Im female, 30. A couple of months ago I was on holiday with a few friends. One of them started cracking jokes about how I haven’t gotten laid in ages. I took her aside and told her i really don’t like jokes about that, she can make fun of me/banter about practically anything else, but I just find that embarrassing. She saw I was a bit upset and agreed she wouldn’t do it again. It is something that bothers me quite a bit and I don’t need to be reminded of it constantly. I’ve told her in private drunken convos about how lost I feel at times, a bit hopeless over the whole thing at this point.

Since then she has made crude remarks/jokes about it another 2/3 times, in front of other people. I’m pissed off that she clearly wasn’t being sincere when she said she’d drop it the first time. None of my other friends ever joke about it. If someone told me something I said had bothered them, I wouldn’t say it again. She tells me to lighten up and get over it. I feel embarrassed and pissed off- 1) because of the nature of what she is saying, in front of other people, and 2) the fact that she can’t keep a promise.

I’ve told her to cut that **** out for once and for all, what’s next?

Neyite

Ditch her I guess?

A friend won't deliberately bring up something that's a sensitive topic for you for cheap laughs. A friend is protective of your feelings.

She's not a friend. She's awful and nasty.

Does she do it to the other girls in the group or just you?

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This post has been deleted.

FixitFelix

Fed_up789 wrote: »

Im female, 30. A couple of months ago I was on holiday with a few friends. One of them started cracking jokes about how I haven’t gotten laid in ages. I took her aside and told her i really don’t like jokes about that, she can make fun of me/banter about practically anything else, but I just find that embarrassing. She saw I was a bit upset and agreed she wouldn’t do it again. It is something that bothers me quite a bit and I don’t need to be reminded of it constantly. I’ve told her in private drunken convos about how lost I feel at times, a bit hopeless over the whole thing at this point.

Since then she has made crude remarks/jokes about it another 2/3 times, in front of other people. I’m pissed off that she clearly wasn’t being sincere when she said she’d drop it the first time. None of my other friends ever joke about it. If someone told me something I said had bothered them, I wouldn’t say it again. She tells me to lighten up and get over it. I feel embarrassed and pissed off- 1) because of the nature of what she is saying, in front of other people, and 2) the fact that she can’t keep a promise.

I’ve told her to cut that **** out for once and for all, what’s next?

She's sees you as a soft touch and obviously has zero respect for you.

Cut her loose

jimgoose

She's a nasty, untrustworthy creature that obviously has no business being as close to you as you seem to hold her. Drop her.

Ursus Horribilis

How easy would it be to ditch her? I'm assuming she's part of a larger group of friends you socialise with?

bottlebrush

I've come across several people like this in the past and looking back they did this either to deflect attention away from themselves or were jealous of something I was or something I had that they couldn't be or have. And if somebody did the same thing to them they'd be highly indignant because while they can dish it out they wouldn't take it themselves.


People like this are very deceitful in that they act like your very best friend when you are one to one and you feel safe pouring your heart out to them and telling them something in confidence. They portray themselves as interested and genuinely caring about what your are telling them.

If you can't ditch this person then my advice would be to be very careful what you confide in them about in future. This is your achilles heel. And if this person feels comfortable saying those things to you in a group of people, then what are they saying when you are not listening. In future conversations with this person big yourself up, so to speak, talk about yourself and achievements in a positive manner. Steer away from talking about your insecurities because when this kind of person finds a chink in the armour they will go at it with a sledgehammer and when you least expect it.

You asked them not to do this and they have ignored you. This person is not your friend but just somebody who happens to be part of a group of people you know - it's important to differentiate here.

As I said I'm talking from experience and learned the hard way. Best of luck.

Sephiroth_dude

Not really a friend if she's making you feel bad about yourself, time to ditch her.

LegacyUser

bottlebrush wrote: »

I've come across several people like this in the past and looking back they did this either to deflect attention away from themselves or were jealous of something I was or something I had that they couldn't be or have. And if somebody did the same thing to them they'd be highly indignant because while they can dish it out they wouldn't take it themselves.


People like this are very deceitful in that they act like your very best friend when you are one to one and you feel safe pouring your heart out to them and telling them something in confidence. They portray themselves as interested and genuinely caring about what your are telling them.

If you can't ditch this person then my advice would be to be very careful what you confide in them about in future. This is your achilles heel. And if this person feels comfortable saying those things to you in a group of people, then what are they saying when you are not listening. In future conversations with this person big yourself up, so to speak, talk about yourself and achievements in a positive manner. Steer away from talking about your insecurities because when this kind of person finds a chink in the armour they will go at it with a sledgehammer and when you least expect it.

You asked them not to do this and they have ignored you. This person is not your friend but just somebody who happens to be part of a group of people you know - it's important to differentiate here.

As I said I'm talking from experience and learned the hard way. Best of luck.

OP here, this has really resonated with me, thanks bottlebrush. Since yesterday I've been stewing over why she keeps doing this, but it's not about me. I think she has very hidden insecurities about other stuff- we had all been talking about something she was obviously sensitive about- seemed to get her a bit down- then 5 minutes later she comes out with the dig at me out of nowhere? She needs to face her own insecurities, at least I am able to do that.

We're all work friends so I'll continue hanging out with them, but I don't trust her anymore.

wiggle16

Hi OP

No you are not overreacting. She made snarky, nasty comments at your expense for a cheap laugh in front of other people. You've asked her to stop and she hasn't. That's not on.

She's picking on you for the cheap laugh it gets her, though I would put good money on it that if you asked the other friends in your group, they would say she has done the same to them.

You've stood up for yourself and politely told her to knock it off and she hasn't. You could say it again and see if she stops... and then again, and again... but a friend like her who belittles you for fun is hardly a friend worth keeping, is she?

dellas1979

Fed_up789 wrote: »

something she was obviously sensitive about- seemed to get her a bit down- then 5 minutes later she comes out with the dig at me out of nowhere?

Why dont you just call her out on it/push it back on her "Ah That's mean Mary, especially cause Ive told you this info in confidence" or "Mary youve an awful interest in my sex life *wink* *wink* should I be getting worried?" or "Hang on now Mary, let talk about your sex life instead."

Done in a pleasant tone hits hit home even better.

Works a treat. You should see some gold fish mouths then.

Colser

I'm picky Mary unlike yourself...

qwerty13

This happened to me too. Only on one occasion, but it was said over and over again that same night, until I felt like crawling under the table. I was really upset, but pretended to laugh it off. Until the next day, when I could let it out in private.

I’ve never forgotten or forgiven that. Such a very personal thing to have made fun of in front of others. It’s a really cruel thing to do, and I don’t think you should associate with this person anymore.

Katgurl

qwerty13 wrote: »

This happened to me too. Only on one occasion, but it was said over and over again that same night, until I felt like crawling under the table. I was really upset, but pretended to laugh it off. Until the next day, when I could let it out in private.

.

That situation is a little different though as while it was said repeatedly over one night, the person may not have realised it was a sensitive topic for you. The op has already addressed this and the person knows it upsets her.

OP I have seen a similar reaction from people before where they are so offended at being called out on something they initially apologize but then it festers with them so they keep bringing it up and turning it around on you.

I remember one night I was out to dinner with a gang. The whole night had gone very drunk (not me) and messy. It had been very expensive too. I asked my friend if she wanted to go dancing later, anyone else too but they all looked ready to go to bed. She said yeah great when she finished her drink. A while later I was waiting for her and wondering where she got to. I wandered about but no sign in the smoking area, bar area or bathrooms. After a good period of time a text message beeped in saying sorry, gone out the
back door and gone home. I think she wanted to go back to her boyfriend. Not the end of the world, these things happen but I was irritated she left me looking around for her and waiting for 1+ hours. Anyway next day on the phone I think she was surprised I didn't laugh it off entirely (would generally be easy going on a night out) but said "that was a bit rude, you could have let me know". She said sorry and sounded it initially and explained she was wy drunker than she realised. I said fine, no problem at all. Then, like your friend, seemed to reconsider and kept bringing it up but this time in the story I was locked (had been drinking very little) and so annoying and wouldn't stop going on and on about going dancing to the point she had to hide then run out the back door to get away from me. This story kept being told in company with a hilarious twist. It was so irritating as really far from the truth or her apology the next day.

With regards to your friend I would be inclined to say in front of everyone she is mocking you in front of "I know this seems a great laugh but I have told you in private I am sensitive about it and I dont understand why you are continuing to joke about it." It will literally not allow her to continue under the guise of 'having a laugh'.