Parents who work away from the family - a question.

OU812

I suppose this is more aimed at the dads. Those of you who work away from the family how does it affect your dynamic?

There’s a very slim chance this may be in my future and I’m concerned about the affect on the kids (& wife).

We’re both thankfully working and kids are at school.

Obviously there’s be added pressure on her to do everything while I’d be away which concerns me.

There’d be a slight increase in salary for me with the likelihood of a lot more in the future, but I’d be away for up to three weeks a month.

I have my concerns. But I’d like to hear from those who do it.

pwurple

3 weeks a month is a lot.
I am away a small bit, 1 week a quarter, but we do ok. It is more pressure for the person at home, but you know, they get into a routine and it works.

Not sure why you are aiming the question at men by the way. Welcome to this century, us women work in this day and age.

Moonbeam

my hubby used to travel alot for work and since September he has been in another country working.
It is fine,but we are moving in July to go join him.
I think it depends on how much of an active role you play with the kids,if there is help at home and how much your wife values her freedom.

OU812

pwurple wrote: »

Not sure why you are aiming the question at men by the way. Welcome to this century, us women work in this day and age.

Absolutely, and no offence meant to anyone, I’m the dad and that’s why I said it.

I’m a very hands on dad, very close to the kids. I’ve been away before but only for a couple of weeks a couple of times in the nine year and that was tough enough.

If this opportunity comes my way and I take it, it’ll mean a raise, a decent enough one. If it works out it would become a more full time option which would require a considerable conversation but would result in a more than 100% raise which would mean she could give up work and the standard of living would improve considerably.

This would require uprooting everyone and committing for several years. It’s a big conversation to have.

Right now though it’s the 2-3 weeks a month that’s he main concern.

OU812

Moonbeam wrote: »

my hubby used to travel alot for work and since September he has been in another country working.
It is fine,but we are moving in July to go join him.
I think it depends on how much of an active role you play with the kids,if there is help at home and how much your wife values her freedom.

Im assuming he had Xmas at home etc? Does he miss many family events like birthdays etc? How does that work out?

Moonbeam

He missed 3 birthday and was here for 2 but tbh over all it is not much different,he would be working anyway.
The differences arise when you can't run to the shop at night for milk and trying to get the odd night out means he has to be in the country,

Big Bag of Chips

Have you talked about it with her at all? It almost sounds like you haven't! I think the most important person you need to talk to is her. Every family will make their own situation work.

CheerLouth

On the week that you will be in the country, will you be working or will you have that time at home?

My partner works away a lot. He's in the transport business, there's a lot of overnights, weeks when he is gone for the full week & as the person left behind, there is a lot of work. I work full time, the kids are in creche. When he is not there, it's a military operation. Every thing is left ready the night before, I get up 30 minutes before the kids to get myself organised, the kids have breakfast at the creche, etc. It is very doable if your partner is prepared for it. It's very challenging though, there are times when I envy his ability to leave & not have to worry about anything at home because I have it under control.

From a work perspective, I sometimes feel that my career suffers. If the kids are sick, I'm the one who typically has to take the time off to mind them. I have to leave work on the button every day to collect them. If they are ill or awake in the middle of the night, there's no one else to help & that can be very hard.

It works for us as when my partner is home, he is usually working in the area or at home which means we have days when there isn't such a rush & the kids are only at creche for a short day & that's lovely. It balances out. You need to weigh up the pros and cons of it for your own situation & family.

skallywag

OP, are you going to be able to get home on the weekends during the 3 weeks which you are away, or will this not be practical?

OU812

skallywag wrote: »

OP, are you going to be able to get home on the weekends during the 3 weeks which you are away, or will this not be practical?

No it’ll be two to three weeks out of the country

OU812

CheerLouth wrote: »

On the week that you will be in the country, will you be working or will you have that time at home?

My partner works away a lot. He's in the transport business, there's a lot of overnights, weeks when he is gone for the full week & as the person left behind, there is a lot of work. I work full time, the kids are in creche. When he is not there, it's a military operation. Every thing is left ready the night before, I get up 30 minutes before the kids to get myself organised, the kids have breakfast at the creche, etc. It is very doable if your partner is prepared for it. It's very challenging though, there are times when I envy his ability to leave & not have to worry about anything at home because I have it under control.

From a work perspective, I sometimes feel that my career suffers. If the kids are sick, I'm the one who typically has to take the time off to mind them. I have to leave work on the button every day to collect them. If they are ill or awake in the middle of the night, there's no one else to help & that can be very hard.

It works for us as when my partner is home, he is usually working in the area or at home which means we have days when there isn't such a rush & the kids are only at creche for a short day & that's lovely. It balances out. You need to weigh up the pros and cons of it for your own situation & family.

Thanks for that. Good insight. I’d be planning on working as many hours as possible while away to allow for a much more flexible week or two here, but work would still be necessary.

lazygal

Himself would earn a lot more if he was willing to step into a role involving a lot of travel. As a family we decided against it. He doesn't want to miss out any more than either of us has to. I work shift patterns most of the time and I simply can't change my work setup to accommodate him being away and I don't want to stay at home to facilitate a change of role for him. The cons outweighed the pros for us in the end-childcare would have been a huge expense and the stress of all the parenting falling on me during certain periods wasn't something we were keen on. I know we are lucky that we had the choice to decide about this, not everyone is that lucky.

eviltwin

Three weeks a month away from home?

Sorry, no amount of money would be worth that length of time away from my husband and kids. Phone calls and Skype are a poor substitute for quality time.

My brother does it, his wife worked here, no kids. They didn't survive it.

skallywag

OU812 wrote: »

No it’ll be two to three weeks out of the country

3 consecutive weeks out of the the country each and every month is going to be extremely difficult, not just on your family life but on your own general sanity as well being as well.

Have you an option of trying it out for, say, 3 months, before giving the final go?

mitresize5

I'm guessing you wouldn't be on here if you weren't really involved in your kids lives and enjoy it so my answer is prefaced on that assumption.
I did it for 12 months for the same motive, the chance of a better opportunity down the road, and couldn't wait to get another job at home after 7 or 8 months.
If you are comfortable now and enjoy bringing the kids hurling, swimming, playing rough and tumble with them then dont do it. They are only young once and in the blink of an eye they will be teenagers and wont want anything to do with you so lap it up now.
My wife understandably struggled with it and I could see it putting a strain on our marriage if it continued indefinitely.
If you are under pressure financially then that changes things of course but if your not its not worth it

OU812

skallywag wrote: »

3 consecutive weeks out of the the country each and every month is going to be extremely difficult, not just on your family life but on your own general sanity as well being as well.

Have you an option of trying it out for, say, 3 months, before giving the final go?

It’s a possibility. Maybe not three months but a trial period.

LegacyUser

If you want my honest opinion, there are two types of parents,

Career/money focused vs Family focused,


which one are you? it's important you figure that out first.

Many people say "you can have it all" but in reality you can't, for the record it doesn't matter a jot which you are, it's perfectly ok to be either type.

There are those who don't mind missing out, they genuinely don't mind, be it babies first steps, or babies first words, or first time riding a bike, or acquiring a new skill or birthdays or communions or other "important" events (these can range from a tooth falling out to winning a competition) they have their career that they love or a need to make money to provide their family with holidays, fancy cars, good education, money...etc they see that as important, or it just doesn't bother them missing out, if this is you, the job is for you.


Then there is the family person, the one who cries when they miss out on events due to circumstances beyond their control, the one who HAS to be there even if it means losing out financially a small bit, if this is you then you know the job isn't for you,


there are so many pro's and cons to both people will argue them until the end of time, people think they "have it all" but inevitably the ball is dropped somewhere and when things go wrong they cannot figure out why, but i will say having seen many children where the dads are absent like you will be and seeing the children whose parents are there for them daily, there are huge differences, in behaviours, in mental health, in education (trouble sleeping due to stress meaning they are falling asleep in school)...etc, with single parenting/absent parents it works out better for the child in my opinion because the parent either know's they are parenting alone, or they know the access days and from what i've seen they put in more of an effort to protect their child from the separation (obviously not always but mostly), when the parent is just working away that protection is mostly from what i've seen forgotten about in the daily mundane life because "they still have both parents" in the adults eyes, or the parent is "doing it for them",

kids don't see things like we adults do and the sense of loss to them can be overwhelming, don't kid yourself that your children will be ok with this or "they'll adapt" as people say, you and more likely your partner will have to put a lot of work in to reassure them and make the loss bearable especially if you are around a lot up until now), your partner will be taking the brunt of everything including the children's emotions and anger spilling over, not to mention be prepared for the week you are home to have the children glued to you and not willing to let you go even to work despite what you tell them they probably won't believe you are leaving for what to them is an "eternity", (also its easy when you are home to be caught up in being the "hero" parent that they "love")

Also remember if the children sense any resentment or discontent between you and your partner that will effect them negatively too so you have to make sure your partner is 100% on board.

Maybe your kids won't re-act like i mention above, it all depends on your and your partners approach to this, it's do-able but far from ideal in my personal opinion, but i can say experience has taught me otherwise tends to be the most common case. I am just showing the other side of the coin because i've seen so many families fall apart due to distance more than anything else.

Its a difficult choice, i don't envy your position, best of luck with it going forward.

skallywag

OU812 wrote: »

It’s a possibility. Maybe not three months but a trial period.

Have you any experience of working away from home, even if it was just for a few weeks?

fits

I lived away from my husband before my pregnancy. It’s very very hard on a relationship even without children in the mix. Neither of us would even consider it now.

OU812

skallywag wrote: »

Have you any experience of working away from home, even if it was just for a few weeks?

Yes, on a couple of occasions for up to two weeks at a time. Difficult but manageable. But I knew at the time it wouldn’t be a regular occurance.

wexie

I used to travel a lot for work but would usually be home on the weekends. Really though what happened was me coming home late and wrecked on the friday evening, organizing laundry, receipts etc. over the weekend and leave again on Sunday afternoon/evening.

If you're gone for 3 weeks at a time and then still have to work the 4th week how much time will you actually have for your family in that week? You'll need to get everything ready to leave again, try to sort all the little things you couldn't do while you were away and somehow still find time for the wife and kids in that week.

If I were you and it really is that great of an opportunity I think perhaps I'd be more inclined to enter into the discussion of 'why only 3 weeks a month and not permanently?' with an eye on just relocating altogether. (that's assuming it's a country you could bring the wife and kids to in good conscience, ie. not Saudi Arabia or Yemen or something)

OU812

wexie wrote: »

If I were you and it really is that great of an opportunity I think perhaps I'd be more inclined to enter into the discussion of 'why only 3 weeks a month and not permanently?' with an eye on just relocating altogether. (that's assuming it's a country you could bring the wife and kids to in good conscience, ie. not Saudi Arabia or Yemen or something)

There is the opportunity down the line to make a permanent move for everyone (for a couple of years at least). I’d be the advance party (with one other). To start the supply chain and building pipeline etc.

It’s the US so a great opportunity.

RiseToMe

Before we had our daughter I lived away from my wife for a year, despite seeing each other most weekends it was extremely hard on us both. We both travel with our jobs but only once every three months or so and it is very hard on the person at home and the person that is missing out.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you spoken to your wife? How does she feel?

skallywag

OU812 wrote: »

Yes, on a couple of occasions for up to two weeks at a time. Difficult but manageable. But I knew at the time it wouldn’t be a regular occurance.

Yes, when it's going to be a regular occurrence then it's going to be much harder to tackle from a psychological perspective, and it can slowly gnaw away at you in that it will always be on the back of your mind, even to the extent that it could prevent you from really enjoying the week at home as you know that you are off again in just a few days.

Apart from the family side of things, it's also going to be very challenging from the personal perspective. E.g. how will you occupy your time outside of work, at the weekends etc? I have found that a lot of people really struggle with this when they move away for such periods of time on their own, and one really needs to be very comfortable with ones own company in order for it work out (assuming of course you do not have friends or other family members there already of course...).