No confidence in myself

hawley

I've never had much of a social life, nor many friends. The friends that I do/(did) have are now married and moved onto to another phase in their life which involves children and hence their lifestyle is in a different zone.Even when we did go out, I felt like I was tagging on as opposed to being an integral part of the group. However, I think this may be in my head and that they would view me as truly part of the group. When we went out I was too shy to talk to girls and as the anxiety built up about chatting to girls I'd often retreat and get drunk or pretend to be drunk in order to have an excuse.Fast forward to today. I have no social life now. I have no one to go out with. I've never had a girlfriend only one night stands.. I'm 37yo. My life now revolves around work, sometimes gym and the interneI’ve let so many opportunities slip past and wasted so many years that instead of looking forward, all I can do is dwell on my current situation and look backwards with regret and anger.i’ve no confidence with the opposite sex. .Love and marriage are out the window now. Iam to old now. I’m too used to my own company and not having anyone else to consider. This has gone on too long to be resolved .Where do I begin. I’m feeling very lonely. I’m 37, living in a city in Ireland which is a few hours from my home town. I have lived in a few different places over the years, but moved here 10years ago. I initially worked in a male dominated company so it wasn’t so easy to make new friends. And also, most people are attached/settled. I’m 37 now and have never been in a relationship, and I feel like a freak sometimes. I could just cry.I think my loneliness is stemming from my complete lack of fulfillment, mostly due to me never being in a relationship. So many people around me are settling down, having kids, being busier and busier. I get that and I wish them luck. But I feel so lonely. I had joined some clubs and classes here. But it really is hard work making friends when you’re in your 30s. .I dip in and out of online dating Granted, I know it’s a good way of clocking up some dates, but I don’t think it’s my thing.. But of late and increasingly I start to notice my motivation is almost on the floor. I look at the people around me at work, so many of them have plans/drive to succeed. But I just cannot do it. The difference between them and myself I feel is that they are attached. They have someone to go home to in the evening etc. They have (I assume) fulfilment.
These days where women are concerned, I feel lost, hopeless, like I have some sort of handicap… like no matter what group/pub/workplace I go to I cannot even meet someone where we have a short term dating thing, never mind the real deal. I feel helpless on that front.Sometimes now when I meet up with old friends (who are scattered all over the country) I find myself getting emotional, I’m not sure if it’s cos I miss them, I feel lonely where I live, or what. I don’t think upping sticks and moving back to home or to any other place where I’ve friends is the answer. The vast majority are attached, so it’s not like I’d have lots of people to hang out with.I don’t’ think I’m depressed but at times I feel a tiny bit of it. I know there is no magic wand for me, and I guess nobody on here can give me some magic advice, but maybe there are others out there who have been in this situation, and might have some nugget of adviceI am not a bad person, i can say that with my hand on my heart. I would never intertionally hurt someone or deceive them. I am not bad looking, i dress well (not that these things are really a facotr in making friends, I'm just trying to make the point that there is nothing outwardly off putting about me ) i have a sense of humor and
people will say join this or that, I've done it and it can work but I know the crippling feelings of insecurity this brings up. Its hard on the outside, looking in and not feeling like you could ever belong and at the same time wondering if you deserve it. All of my closest friends are married. I realised that the clubs I've joined are vey male-dominated as my interests lie in sport/outdoor activities but even so, I've found it hard to make any real friendships as the vast majority of people seem to be married/engaged or in long-term relationships . But you know when you get to your mid-30s - for me I suppose I am a bit shy and find it very hard to trust people. When walking through town, I find myself, in that split second, get an overwhelming feeling of jealousy towards couples or friends or even people who arent on their own. Because I know that I am going home to an empty home. I know I can pick up the phone to family members, but I find myself distancing myself from them more and more lately - and wanting to put on a false happy face, which I have always done but more so now. I have never had a large group of friends, just a close 2 or 3 friends I feel I walk around with a mask on. Mostly I feel incredibly insecure all of the time, I know being single and living alone is not helping but even when I have been in a relationship in the past, I never feel happy or that I measure up or am good enough. I feel I am at a point in my life where I am ready for another relationship, but whats the point? I have nothing to offer anyone.
I just cant seem to get my "get up and go". All day I will think ok, this evening Ill go to the gym (endorphins etc) but when I leave my work its like this black cloud builds up around me and when I get home I just want to shut myself off from the world. I think a lot, so I know that what I have to do is start a class, find a hobby etc but once I get home the sadness I feel just destroys and overtakes any enthusiasm or motivation I had to try to change things.
I suppose when it comes down to it I am a bit shy when it comes to meeting new people . I also feel like a lot of people my age have their own friends and aren't really looking to meet more.I am not into clubs etc and think you have to be a certain kind of person to meet other people in those kind of situations. I find it so frustrating when I find myself in a situation where there are strangers and I always seem to be the one that is left at the back of the room with no- one to talk to.Its embarrassing to admit to yourself and indeed other people that you have no "friends" and I sometimes wonder if this is whats holding me back.
. It's all very well for other people to say "join a club, develop an interest, volunteer" but I don't really have any genuine interests and I'm not going to fake one. In any case even if I did I think I would still have a problem building a genuine friendship with anyone. I guess, apart from not meeting people, it comes down to me personally too - I've never been one to integrate myself into an already established group and I've never had the confidence or charm to just begin chatting to someone and have them want to be my friend forever!

hawley

What should I do? Any advice please?

Malayalam

hawley wrote: »

What should I do? Any advice please?

Did you ever think of doing something completely different with your life.... Like taking a career break and going volunteering abroad, somewhere completely outside your normal experience, like Nepal or Mongolia or South America? Or if not volunteering then just backpacking for 6 to 12 months - moving around, staying in hostels and cheap places, meeting loads of people casually from all over the world, seeing beautiful places, doing weird exciting things etc. If nothing else you will break the pattern your life has become. Nothing changes if we don't do something different. You are actually very young, plenty of time for family. My good pal met an awesome lady in his late 40s and is chasing after toddlers now in his early 50s. Do something different - the whole wide world is out there waiting for you. Enjoy!

hawley

hawley wrote: »

. It's all very well for other people to say "join a club, develop an interest, volunteer" but I don't really have any genuine interests and I'm not going to fake one.

Can you expand on this a small bit OP? I don't really know what you mean by having no interests? If you have no interests, what do you talk to people about? Sure, you ask about their interests but ultimately people you are friendly with have common interests to some degree.

I think everyone feels like an outsider at times but you see to have really internalised those feelings. I guarantee that if you could see everyone else's anxieties or concerns you'd see no one is walking around feeling 100% but part of life is recognising that and working out what works for you.

johnml

OP I was once in a situation not unlike your own. Very low self esteem which effected almost every other part of my life, especially meeting a woman. I attended a counsellor and worked through alot of stuff, which was of great benefit. Low and behold, soon after, the woman who would become my wife walked into my life. You're not too old and I'm sure you have plenty to offer. Perhaps you would consider the counselling route?

hawley

Malayalam wrote: »

Did you ever think of doing something completely different with your life.... Like taking a career break and going volunteering abroad, somewhere completely outside your normal experience, like Nepal or Mongolia or South America? Or if not volunteering then just backpacking for 6 to 12 months - moving around, staying in hostels and cheap places, meeting loads of people casually from all over the world, seeing beautiful places, doing weird exciting things etc. If nothing else you will break the pattern your life has become. Nothing changes if we don't do something different. You are actually very young, plenty of time for family. My good pal met an awesome lady in his late 40s and is chasing after toddlers now in his early 50s. Do something different - the whole wide world is out there waiting for you. Enjoy!

To be honest I just wanted some company and some kind of experience with other people so signed up to a dating website, basically was a hook up site but either I wasn't able to meet any women or else didn't know what to say. I was so lonely that I ended up meeting a gay guy at his place. We had intercourse but he introduced me to an underground world of stuff that I never knew existed. I didn't have the confidence to say no to him and didn't know how to get out of it, I was used as a bottom at countless parties every weekend for three months. I've never been attracted to men and the idea of it makes me feel unwell, but I just needed some contact with people. I feel ashamed and dirty at myself for leaving it carry on for so long. It has destroyed me and is a big pert of the problem for me. I need to get out of this.

Malayalam

hawley wrote: »

To be honest I just wanted some company and some kind of experience with other people so signed up to a dating website, basically was a hook up site but either I wasn't able to meet any women or else didn't know what to say. I was so lonely that I ended up meeting a gay guy at his place. We had intercourse but he introduced me to an underground world of stuff that I never knew existed. I didn't have the confidence to say no to him and didn't know how to get out of it, I was used as a bottom at countless parties every weekend for three months. I've never been attracted to men and the idea of it makes me feel unwell, but I just needed some contact with people. I feel ashamed and dirty at myself for leaving it carry on for so long. It has destroyed me and is a big pert of the problem for me. I need to get out of this.

Don't know whether you are telling the truth or not, but if you are then go and arrange regular counselling this week with a good person, because a level of low self esteem that enables anyone to let themselves be used sexually (heterosexually/homosexually/ anykind of sexually)as you describe against your instincts, will or desires needs kind and professional help. If you are telling the truth don't be ashamed, sometimes c'est la vie.

Tokyo

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