Am i Being Emotionally Abused?

cooked

I always knew my husband was a selfish person....

Emme

It's normal to clean up a baby and change its nappies. It is not normal to clean up a grown man's pi$$ unless he is seriously ill or retarded through no fault of his own. Your husband does not seem to fit either of these categories.

You are being emotionally abused. You are being taken for granted.

Ask him to go to marriage counselling with you and if he isn't willing to do that your marriage may not have a viable future.

He gives you no help with the child, expects you to do everything in the house AND hold down a job. Oh - and clean up his pi$$ when he is too drunk to go to the toilet like a normal adult. If you took him out of the equation you would have one less thing to do.

Your child is probably out of nappies at this stage but there's no guarantee your husband will stop pi$$ing himself when drunk unless he's willing to go to marriage counselling with you and get help for his problems. If he is as you described there is a chance he won't be willing to do this.

1) See if your husband will go to marriage counselling with you
2) Get legal advice to see your position if the marriage breaks up

Lastly this is not a healthy environment for your child.

cooked

Thanks for replying Emme. i have asked him to go to counselling a few times over the years but he always says we dont need it. At this stage i dont feel like i even want to anymore. i'm just exhausted and repulsed by the whole situation.

I should say that i have managed to shield our child from all of this, well, a couple of times he has had an outburst in front of her, but in the main she loves her dad and doesnt seem to be aware that there is anything going on. However, i agree, its not a normal environment, and i dont know what impact it could be having on her.

nikkibikki

Yes you are being emotionally abused and no these are not normal marriage ups and downs. He's trying to normalise his behaviour to himself but you know this isn't good.

cooked wrote:

Re the legal advice, its something i have been saying that i am going to do for about a year now, but i have taken the first step and made an appointment.

I was glad to read this part and hope you get some answers as to what you need to do. You've suggested counselling in the past and been shot down. For it to work, both parties need to want it and to me it sounds as if you don't have any fight left in you for this. You've put up with a lot more than I would be able to so do not feel guilty. Ever. Your child will be better off with 2 separated but happy parents than to be growing up in that environment.

Neyite

You can't change someone else, you can only change how you react to that person. It may be that you actually taking steps to leave the marriage might prompt him into suggesting counselling but maybe by then you'll feel it's too little too late. That's a bridge you can cross when you come to it though.

What is clear is that it will become harder and harder to shield your child from the way he speaks to you and the way he treats you. When she gets older he may talk to her the same way. Or believe that's how women should be treated by men. So the situation does need to change.

While you are busy making appointments, lift the phone and make one with Women's aid for a chat. If nothing else, having just one person that says to you they know exactly what you are talking about and maybe suggest coping strategies is such a relief.

Senature

I would suggest you go to counselling yourself. It can be great to help you see things for what they are and work out how to proceed from here. And even just for some extra support for yourself in such challenging circumstances. Good luck.

ANXIOUS

Did you post a number of years ago?

Fakediamond

I seriously doubt he is going to change and counselling will only Prolong your pain for another six months or a year. Get legal advice, try not to let him know what you’re doing until you’re ready to make a move.

Don’t be so sure you’re shielding your daughter, as young as she is, she must sense your stress and tension when he’s around, even if you do your best to avoid arguments in front of her. And, as Neyite says, she is learning life lessons on how relationships work and how men treat their partners, setting her up for an abusive relationship herself in the future.

cooked

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Did you post a number of years ago?

No i've never posted on this issue before.

Teyla Emmagan

I don't see anything to salvage here. This is not a good man who cares for his marriage, his wife, his daughter, his home. You have not listed any redeeming factors. You no longer have a relationship. You are afraid to open your mouth for fear of criticism or abuse. You have no one to share your fears or hopes and dreams with. Instead you are raising your child alone and hiding his 'accidents' from the outside world. Your husband is a selfish bully and he has broken you down so successfully he no longer needs to modify his behaviour. I would take your daughter and leave. Ring Women's Aid, you need support.

ANXIOUS

cooked wrote: »

No i've never posted on this issue before.

Oh, it sounded very familiar especially the part of cleaning up after he wet himself.

I'd suggest there is no relationship as such, it is just convenient for him to have you there.

If you're finances allow, I'd be looking at a separation as this cycle will just continue.

loalae

Oh you poor thing!

I have no further advice to offer except to echo what other people have said. Your daughter is definitely aware of something going on at home and it will have an impact on her. She may learn that as a woman she should be subservient to the men in her life or that it is normal for parters to speak to each other the way your husband speaks to you.

I'm not suggesting that you should end your relationship immediately. However, I do think your husband needs to be made aware of what you're worried about, what needs to change, and the consequences for not changing. It is possible that if you attend counselling yourself you will be able to build up the strategies you need to do this.

Have you got family and friends around? Have they noticed anything? Could you speak to them?

splinter65

Neyite wrote: »

You can't change someone else, you can only change how you react to that person. It may be that you actually taking steps to leave the marriage might prompt him into suggesting counselling but maybe by then you'll feel it's too little too late. That's a bridge you can cross when you come to it though.

What is clear is that it will become harder and harder to shield your child from the way he speaks to you and the way he treats you. When she gets older he may talk to her the same way. Or believe that's how women should be treated by men. So the situation does need to change.

While you are busy making appointments, lift the phone and make one with Women's aid for a chat. If nothing else, having just one person that says to you they know exactly what you are talking about and maybe suggest coping strategies is such a relief.

Very good post here. Please take heed OP.

Rekop dog

You also need to ask yourself why you married someone who you've *always* known was selfish. Do you feel you don't deserve better? Or is it the case of the thrill of dating a bad guy that you somehow hoped would change?

Address whatever it is that allowed you to accept being mistreated for so long so you don't make the same mistakes again in the future.