Married to my wife but have a boyfriend

karel51

Hello forum,

I'm seeking advice on what to do. I am married 3 years now but I left my wife more than a year ago to start dating a man in a different town. I still love my wife but I knew I couldn't stay with her because I am gay, and she wanted children. She is my only and my best friend, and I miss spending time with her as friends. She lives in my apartment, so we meet from time to time and are texting each other regularly. We have agreed to apply for an annulment or the marriage rather than divorce because that should be faster but things are dragging very slowly.

I'm still ashamed to be gay. I'm not out at work and only told my siblings and parents a year ago that this is why we broke up. I have not been in a relationship with anyone else before, only her, and have never broken up with anyone before either. What are the rules these days?

My openly gay boyfriend, whom I love very much too, has become more and more impatient with me since our anniversary. He wants to meet my family to get our relationship "validated" by others and gets offended by my wife still referring to me as Husband even though she knows that I am in a relationship with a man now. He wants me to ask her to stop calling me pet names, sending me kisses and calling me Husband, but I don't see what the big problem is so I think it's pointless to spend my time on it.

I have not lived an openly gay life and I can't see things from his perspective. Likewise, he doesn't understand what it is like to be a married man and have lived the kind of life I did. He says he wants a "normal life" but his life has changed very little since a year ago but mine has been been turned upside down and I am getting tired of trying to keep him happy.

I do love him and I wish I could give him the life he wants and deserves.

What should I do?

Edgarfrndly

Your boyfriend seems unreasonable. She was your wife and friend long before you met him. You should be firm with him and let him know the boundaries, and that your wife (who is still your wife btw) is still important to you and he will have to get used to it.

prinzeugen

karel51 wrote: »

Hello forum,

I'm seeking advice on what to do. I am married 3 years now but I left my wife more than a year ago to start dating a man in a different town. I still love my wife but I knew I couldn't stay with her because I am gay, and she wanted children. She is my only and my best friend, and I miss spending time with her as friends. She lives in my apartment, so we meet from time to time and are texting each other regularly. We have agreed to apply for an annulment or the marriage rather than divorce because that should be faster but things are dragging very slowly.

I'm still ashamed to be gay. I'm not out at work and only told my siblings and parents a year ago that this is why we broke up. I have not been in a relationship with anyone else before, only her, and have never broken up with anyone before either. What are the rules these days?

My openly gay boyfriend, whom I love very much too, has become more and more impatient with me since our anniversary. He wants to meet my family to get our relationship "validated" by others and gets offended by my wife still referring to me as Husband even though she knows that I am in a relationship with a man now. He wants me to ask her to stop calling me pet names, sending me kisses and calling me Husband, but I don't see what the big problem is so I think it's pointless to spend my time on it.

I have not lived an openly gay life and I can't see things from his perspective. Likewise, he doesn't understand what it is like to be a married man and have lived the kind of life I did. He says he wants a "normal life" but his life has changed very little since a year ago but mine has been been turned upside down and I am getting tired of trying to keep him happy.

I do love him and I wish I could give him the life he wants and deserves.

What should I do?

Do whatever you feel happy/comfortable with.

I am openly gay but my OH is not. He has kept it from his family for the 18 years we have been living together now.

I would never pressure him into coming out.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is jealous of your wife. Tell him what you want to happen.

If he loves you, he will stick around. There are no rules.

cgcsb

prinzeugen wrote: »

I am openly gay but my OH is not. He has kept it from his family for the 18 years we have been living together now.

:eek:Ah lad, you need to get yourself a man with a set of balls.

lottpaul

Edgarfrndly wrote: »

Your boyfriend seems unreasonable. She was your wife and friend long before you met him. You should be firm with him and let him know the boundaries, and that your wife (who is still your wife btw) is still important to you and he will have to get used to it.

I don't agree at all. First of all reason and logic usually don't get a look in where emotions are involved but I don't think his wife is being fair. To use the language above, the OP needs to be firmer with her and agree reasonable boundaries. After all she is shortly to be a "stranger" in law - an annulment means that the marriage never existed, not that it existed and has come to an end. Their friendship may have to be put on hold a little while all of the other stuff is unravelled.
And yes, I do think it is unreasonable to be sending kisses etc and calling him husband when she knows he is in a relationship with someone else.
It really doesn't matter whether the someone else is a man or a woman. They have agreed to move on to a different place and stage of their relationship - and they should. If, for example, she meets a new man in a months time would he feel really happy to see texts and kisses from someone calling his new girlfriend his "wife"?

The boyfriend is jealous - as is his wife. Both are feeling possessive. Very natural and normal feelings. The husband/boyfriend has to sit down and have a good chat with himself. He wants to keep the social friendship he has with his wife and have (presumably) a physical and emotional relationship with his boyfriend, while simultaneously feeling ashamed of being gay. There's a lot of stuff going on here, a lot of potential for hurting people.

To the OP I'd just state again that there are many different things at play here and you're not in control of some of them. Part of the creation of any relationship is possessiveness and jealousy/rivalry and how to deal with it .... your significant other always wants to know and feel that they are number 1 in your affections and will resent anyone they see as a rival. This is especially true when there is an "ex" and more so when the "ex" is still a feature in your life.

From your boyfriends point of view he has plenty to be jealous of - you have a wife who is still a big part of your life -- and wants that to continue. I'm not an expert but there always seems to be a potential for drama when exes try to remain friends. There must be hundreds of films, books and agony columns to back me up He's trying to "claim" you perhaps and it seems she is certainly not willing to let go of that intimate relationship yet. But each of their behaviours is natural and to be expected. It's life!

I don't agree with you that sending you kisses and referring to you as her husband isn't a problem. (and how does your boyfriend know she does this anyway?) Is she going to suddenly stop doing that when the annulment comes through?

A bit of prioritising may be in order, starting with yourself. You may need to consider why you feel ashamed to be gay and how/if you want that to change. There are people - counsellors and other professionals - who may be able to help you if you feel that is appropriate. It may help you to appreciate where you are in your life more clearly.

Until your annulment you will of course have to have contact frequently with your wife but you cannot expect things to continue to be as they were.
Your boyfriend - and any other future romantic partners you may have - cannot be expected to take a back seat in your affections and attention. You may decide to marry again - who knows? And she may decide likewise.

Best of luck with it all.

Annasopra

cgcsb wrote: »

:eek:Ah lad, you need to get yourself a man with a set of balls.

Mod

Less of the smartarse comments please

JackTaylorFan

Woo... what a mess.

I guess the positive from all this is you didn't start a family and you haven't wasted all the best years of her life.

In contrast, I have friend, in her 60s, who only found her husband was gay about three years ago. She has been left devastated. Yes, they have fully grown sons, but she is now all alone. He has left her with nothing. Not even a house to live in. Her whole marriage was a sham - only she didn't know it. The husband was closeted, carrying on in secret with men behind her back and even had a relationship with the fella he finally left her for. It only took him 30 years to be honest with her.

My sympathy is mostly with your wife here. Although I do understand why you BF is also insecure. You need to start involving him in your family. Compartmentalization of this "forbidden relationship" is not healthy and nobody should have to tolerate being your dirty little secret.

I find it hardest to sympathize with you, though, at least you haven't left it for 30 years to leave your wife.

daithi84

From what I can see you are still emotionally attached to the wife while also having a relationship with the bf. I can understand your bf's frustration. If you are not romantically in love with your wife and are gay you need to review the type of relationship you have with her. If the marriage is over you have to 100% commit to your bf and change the relationship you have with your wife. While you bf hasn't gone through the awful experiences you have with your marriage breakdown, his life is technically on hold while you come to terms with your new life. What everyone expects from a relationship he is not getting, he is being hidden from your family and is really being treated more like a secret side thing than a partner. The fact you can't see the problem with your wife still referring to you in loving terms and sending kisses etc is worrying. Are you really ready for a new relationship straight after your marriage breakdown? If i was your bf i would be seeing huge red alarm bells and would be questioning whether there was a future in the relationship.

wakka12

cgcsb wrote: »

:eek:Ah lad, you need to get yourself a man with a set of balls.

Everyone has different circumstances. If it will simply cause unnecessary conflict and awkwardness with his family by telling them and hes happy with the current situation then I dont think it can be criticised by outsiders, if theres nothing to be gained by telling your family and they are happy just not knowing anything about your romantic life, then whats the big deal with just leaving things as is

And I dont see anything wrong with your wife calling you by pet names, as you say, shes still your bestfriend, and bestfriends often call eachother by pet names and are affectionate withuout any romantic side to it

JupiterKid

IMO it’s very sad that this is still going on in the Ireland of 2018, where we have same sex marriage and an openly gay Taoiseach. There will always be LGBT people in the closet and it’s deeply sad how they damage their own lives and those around them.

EdgeCase

While I'm not commenting on the OP's situation, it can also happen just out of confusion around sexual orientation without all the guilt/shame/closet stuff - open attitudes to LGBT issues help a lot, but won't entirely eliminate people making mistakes about relationships.

I mean, it happens with people marrying the wrong person and then getting divorced all the time, without any issues of sexual identity.

It doesn't mean that you hate the other person but sometimes sexual compatibility and love can become confused with just being best buds. There's a big difference but I have seen plenty of examples where people let head entirely rule heart and end up making bad decisions about those kinds of things.

You'll also find that bi people get caught in that accusation of "leading up the garden path" if they go out with someone of the opposite sex then break up and fall for someone of the same sex.

Human sexuality is a complicated thing and people don't always make perfect decisions. That's why we have divorce.

My view of it is - never judge, but be honest and whatever happens: do not two-time a spouse or committed partner. It's no different whether you're attached to same, opposite or both genders.

OP has a complex situation that's similar to many an amicable breakup. It's very hard to remain good friends and it will take a long time, and a lot of space, to rebuild a relationship with someone on a non intimate basis after a break up.

My advice would be to widen your social circle, get involved in stuff and move on.

What you're proposing to do is extremely emotionally difficult to achieve, and it's more to do with just the legacy of a relationship than LGBT specific issues.

Sometimes you need space before you can do that - so I would strongly suggest ensuring you’ve some other supports - family can be good, but also other friendship, organizations (there’s a married gay men’s support group - check via gay switchboard.

http://test1.gayswitchboard.ie/index.html

Also some very good gay-aware and friendly counseling resources are available.

Main thing is don’t stress out and talk it through with someone, even if that’s a counselor.

Just remember though - you’re only human! We aren’t infallible and capable of making perfect decisions be it about small things or big things like who to marry.

It’s what all the fabric of makes life an interesting, albeit sometimes bumpy, road trip!

cgcsb

wakka12 wrote: »

Everyone has different circumstances. If it will simply cause unnecessary conflict and awkwardness with his family by telling them and hes happy with the current situation then I dont think it can be criticised by outsiders, if theres nothing to be gained by telling your family and they are happy just not knowing anything about your romantic life, then whats the big deal with just leaving things as is

Nobody is happy going around lying to each other's faces all day long for 18 years. It doesn't work for anybody, but some people convince themselves it does. Presumably the family in question is already well aware this guy is gay given they have regular contact with him and he has been cohabiting with another man for 18 years. Unless they are all very very stupid, which is unlikely. If it 'works for them' I presume that means that a marriage is out of the question, since he has to keep his perfectly obvious relationship a secret. Also what happens when family comes to visit. After 18 years visiting family in the same house one assumes the sleeping arrangements are self evident. Do they have photographs of themselves in their home, do they go on holiday together and support eachother, or do they conceal all that also?

You say it may create conflict. Ok, we all have conflict in our lives especially people who are gay, get used to it. He's long enough in the tooth now to not need to please his family 100% of the time. It'd be different if he were younger.

I say that, I myself do not broadcast my homosexuality. If somebody asks me a question about my personal life I'll just casually refer to a male partner and that's that. Often I get raised eyebrows because a lot of people I meet just wouldn't have suspected I were gay, but that's grand, a raised eyebrow and it's back to the grindstone. In the past people have made rude comments but I just make a worse comment back and that softens coughs. I'm well able to deal with those situations because I am an independent gay man in my 20s and I am able to look after myself. This guy is clearly much older than I and no doubt equally independent. If he can't stand up for himself at this stage he never will. I'd very much stand by my previous comment, if it were me I'd dump that zero and get myself a hero.

wakka12 wrote: »

And I dont see anything wrong with your wife calling you by pet names, as you say, shes still your bestfriend, and bestfriends often call eachother by pet names and are affectionate withuout any romantic side to it

If my boyfriend called his ex boyfriend honneybunny or some other such he'd get the dump.