Advice on how to deal with/support a family member in an abusive relationship?

LegacyUser

My sister is in her early 20s. She started going out this guy from the age of 16-20. She broke up with him and he "didn't take it well". Started stalking her, followed her home from work and attacked her and literally, broke open her face. She's had 2 corrective surgeries to fix the damage. He got sentenced to two years in prison for the assault.

He's out a year. When I was on holidays with her before Christmas I could see her texting someone on the sly and straight up asked if it was him. She said it wasn't. In January she came to me and admitted she was back with him but had broken up with him again and wanted help. I arranged counselling for her and she went to 6 sessions.

I had a sneaky suspision she was seeing him again and have been frequently asking her if she is. She tells me no every time.

Roll on yesterday and she tells me she's pregnant. It's his. This is his third child with a third women. One was conceived while she was in a relationship with him, the second was just after he was released from prison and she gave birth in March.

She lives at home with my dad. My dad is terrified of the guy. In the past he has kicked the wing mirrors off his car and threatened him. He tried to send him a letter when he was in prison telling him that if he didn't make my sister withdraw the assault charge that he would burn out his car and set the house on fire. The letter was intercepted by a prison guard and presented in court at his bail hearing and he was denied bail for attempted witness intimadation.

My dad would love to kick her out but, he's afraid that doing that would drive her straight into his arms.

She's booked in for an abortion next week. Honestly, my gut reaction is to cut her out of my life, stop returning her calls and never speak to her again. I know this might sound selfish but I am so angry with her lies. Anytime someone tells me they've seen them together I staunchly stick up for her because I never believe that she would lie to me. I feel like an absolute fool for sticking up for her and believe her over and over again.

Like my dad, I know this would drive her directly into his arms. He is begging her to keep it. He wants them to have a family together. She'd adament she's having the abortion but I know if she spent a few hours with him he'd convince her otherwise.

He's cheated on her, he's assaulted her and she keeps going back to him. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what he needs to do for her to finally stay away from him. Counselling didn't work and anytime I ring Women's Aid for advice they never answer the phone.

I'll leave it there for now and can elaborate further if people need more details.

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loalae

Hi OP, he sounds like a very scary man.

It can be difficult for people who ae not in abusive relationships to understand how people can return to the same person who has abused them so horrifically in the past. I get your frustration and your anger at your sister as well as your underlying love for her.

Your sister is an adult who is making poor decisions. You can provide her with info about how to end her relationship bit until she is ready to do so it will probably feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall. Please persevere but with the understanding that YOU cannot change anything, only she can.

If she does go ahead with the pregnancy, I'd be really worried about her and the baby. I'm a social worker in child protection and if I got a referral with the information you provided I expect that I would be involved at a pre-birth stage. Pregnancy is a dangerous time for women and unborn babies in abusive relationships and the abuse tends to escalate in pregnancy.

Your sister needs a lot of support and understanding at the moment and I think you need to be proud of yourself for sticking by her. Please continue with it and keep providing the message that he isn't safe and that there are alternatives to be with him.

wiggle16

What an awful situation to be in.

She's in a no win situation here - if she decides not to go through with the abortion, she will be tied to this scumbag for life. If she has the abortion he will turn it into a vendetta against her, by the sounds of things. Men like him do not go away. Being blunt, I cannot get my head around why she told him about the pregnancy in the first place.

OP, your sister without a shadow of a doubt deserves your support and understanding. I have every sympathy for what happened to her. But she also needs to realise that your support and understanding are predicated upon her actions - they're conditional. It sounds harsh but it's the truth. His presence in her life should have ended the moment he was locked up, from her view anyway. But she re-instigated the situation you are currently dealing with by letting him back into her life.

There is only so much support you can give someone before you give up on them if they continue to repeat the same behaviour over and over again. I realise she is not the antagonist in this, but she chose to get involved with him again, and lied to you about it. You are not obliged to accept someone else's foolishness or recklessness.

You need to make it clear to her that while you will be there for her and she has your full support, you cannot offer her that if she has contact with him or makes contact with him again. Your da needs to make that clear to her as well, she is putting him at risk too. She cannot behave like that and expect him to shelter her - the fact she is living with him is likely the only reason the guy hasn't attacked her at home. Your da must be heartbroken.

All that said, I don't know if she will listen or if any of the above will make a blind bit of difference to her. She knows full well that this man is an animal and could end up killing her. He beat her half to death. She went back to him anyway. She's now pregnant by him. I cannot imagine how you must feel.

You cannot control what she does, and if she continues to make poor decisions and you cut her out and she runs into his arms, that will still have been her choice. No one is forcing her to be involved with him, least of all you. She has to take responsibility for her own well being. Ultimately, if she does not completely cut contact with him, then you have to start thinking of your own well being and your da's. She will have made her choice.

I really hope she sees sense, because this guy is not going anywhere soon.

I wish you the best of luck OP xxx

heretothere

Would it be possible for her to move out of the town for a while? If she doesn't see him it will help cut the ties that keep her going back.
If she's terminating the pregnancy she obviously knows on some level that he is not good for her. He sounds awful!