My feelings v family

clairewithani

I am in a 2nd relationship as is my partnet. Both of us left spouses to be together after an affair. My family have (reluctantly) accepted my partner after first few years. His have not accepted at all. I am not welcome at close family functions which I accept.

2 months ago my partner was working in an office when he realised (after 2 weeks) that a girl in the office was his first cousin. She is getting married soon. He didn't recognise this girl, has not spoken to her or her family in about 15 years.

She text him last week and invited him to the afters of her wedding if he would like to come. She specified that I was not welcome. He says he will go which really hurts me. I feel that after 8 years it is time for him to make a stand with his family, that she is not a close cousin. She has never met me. Obviously she can invite who she wants but his going is agreeing with this decision.

I have not told him not to go. I have told him I would prefer him not to but I have told him how I see it. I said he can chose the wedding or my feelings but he still said he will go.

What do people feel about this? Am I wrong to feel this way?

strandroad

Why does he want to go at all? They are obviously not close, even regardless of the fact that she banned you?

Big Bag of Chips

He probably wants to go because it'll be a family occasion with lots of his family there. You don't tend to see much of the bride and groom at a wedding. His family haven't accepted you. There's not a lot you can do about that, but just because his family have decided not to have a relationship with you doesn't mean he has to end any relationship with them.

People are often given advice here regarding in-laws that they don't want to deal with, that they don't have to have a relationship with them, but that shouldn't prevent their partner from having a relationship with them if they so wish. Same goes for here. I understand you're hurt, but just see this as he was invited on a night out that you're not invited to. I'm sure it has happened before. Let him off on his night out and enjoy a night in yourself.

clairewithani

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He probably wants to go because it'll be a family occasion with lots of his family there. You don't tend to see much of the bride and groom at a wedding. His family haven't accepted you. There's not a lot you can do about that, but just because his family have decided not to have a relationship with you doesn't mean he has to end any relationship with them.

People are often given advice here regarding in-laws that they don't want to deal with, that they don't have to have a relationship with them, but that shouldn't prevent their partner from having a relationship with them if they so wish. Same goes for here. I understand you're hurt, but just see this as he was invited on a night out that you're not invited to. I'm sure it has happened before. Let him off on his night out and enjoy a night in yourself.

He has been invited to several family functions before and he has gone and that is fine. He didn't even recognise this girl for a while, they are the opposite of close.For the first time in 8 years I have asked him to consider my feelings. Is family what you are born into or the relationship you are in?
More than one definition of family in my opinion. He can go, but things will not be the same

Big Bag of Chips

There can be more than one definition but it doesn't make either less. He can have a relationship with you and them, separate to each other. He is not going to this wedding to spend quality time with his cousin. He'll probably speak to her for a couple of minutes at most. But he will see other family. I think this is not something to cause a problem about. I do completely understand that you are hurt. But at the same time this is just another family occasion. You accept and understand that his family have not accepted your relationship and you've accepted that you will not be invited to family occasions. This is a family occasion. With all the people there who are usually at the other family occasions. This occasion shouldn't really be seen as any different. It's not like the only family member that will be there is the bride.

You don't need to have a relationship with his family, but at the same time you shouldn't see his relationship with them as a threat to his relationship with you. You're together 8 years and through a lot of upset I imagine. This is a night out, little more than that. Try to see it like that.

strandroad

I think what might be extra hurtful is that the cousin girl has never met the OP and was not in contact with her husband during the divorce years, and yet OP's scarlet letter reputation has spread to her as well. So it feels like it's not only not getting better, it's getting worse.

OP is there a chance you will want to have children? How would they be treated, welcomed with your husband or excluded with you? Is it part of the problem?

clairewithani

strandroad wrote: »

I think what might be extra hurtful is that the cousin girl has never met the OP and was not in contact with her husband during the divorce years, and yet OP's scarlet letter reputation has spread to her as well. So it feels like it's not only not getting better, it's getting worse.

OP is there a chance you will want to have children? How would they be treated, welcomed with your husband or excluded with you? Is it part of the problem?

Yes I do feel as if I am being branded as the villain in this break-up which is the opposite of the truth but that hardly matters. I honestly am not blaming this girl for her view. It's her wedding and her day and she can ask who she likes. But when is it ok for someone to say your choice of partner is not good enough. If we are 25 years together is that still ok? I can no longet have children so that is not the issue

Big Bag of Chips

Blood is thicker than water though and if the cousin knows that you are not welcome at other family events, she's not going to want to be the one to buck the trend, and risk a scene on her wedding day.

She probably shouldn't have invited your partner at all. But then again if other work colleagues are being invited to the afters it might raise questions.

I don't think you're wrong in how you're feeling at all op. Is how you got together ideal? No. But that's between you , your partner and your exes surely? Why on earth are your families so emotionally invested that it took yours years to 'reluctantly' accept your partner and you haven't been accepted by his at all?! 8 years of being treated like a pariah? I can't imagine how hurtful and difficult that must be for you. Has your partner taken any steps to smooth the waters?

I'm very, very close with my family but if they couldn't accept my partner and see how special and important he is in my life, I wouldn't simply accept that and play happy families while he's left on the outside. I certainly wouldn't be accepting wedding invitations from a relative I barely know who had the cheek to outright ban him. Maybe I'd resist the urge to tell her to go f*** herself for the sake of not creating all out war but that's about the only concession I'd make.

Blood is thicker than water? So if my blood treats me or my loved ones (aka water) like sh** that's ok then? I don't think so.

jimmycrackcorm

I think you should forget about this wedding issue because it is inconsequential. What is significant is why his family has not accepted you and that you are his choice after all these years.

He should be laying down the law with them over that.

Ursus Horribilis

In general how is your relationship with your partner?

qwerty13

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't think you're wrong in how you're feeling at all op. Is how you got together ideal? No. But that's between you , your partner and your exes surely? Why on earth are your families so emotionally invested that it took yours years to 'reluctantly' accept your partner and you haven't been accepted by his at all?! 8 years of being treated like a pariah? I can't imagine how hurtful and difficult that must be for you. Has your partner taken any steps to smooth the waters?

I'm very, very close with my family but if they couldn't accept my partner and see how special and important he is in my life, I wouldn't simply accept that and play happy families while he's left on the outside. I certainly wouldn't be accepting wedding invitations from a relative I barely know who had the cheek to outright ban him. Maybe I'd resist the urge to tell her to go f*** herself for the sake of not creating all out war but that's about the only concession I'd make.

Blood is thicker than water? So if my blood treats me or my loved ones (aka water) like sh** that's ok then? I don't think so.

Maybe his family were very close to his ex and felt bad about how they were treated by their son. Maybe they’re deeply disapproving of the circumstances in which their son got together with the OP. Maybe he had kids with the ex, and his family can’t get over the breakup of his marriage. We just don’t know. I think you’re being a bit harsh about his family, without knowing any of the details of why they feel that way.

Perhaps his family can just about accept their son over his affair/splitting up with his spouse, but due to various circumstances just can’t see their way to accept that he’s together with the OP. Rough as it is on the OP, it is his family’s choice to make. Just as he has chosen to go along with that and see his family without the OP.

It doesn’t sound like his family are going to change their tune anytime soon. So I guess the question is whether the OP can accept this or not. Of course it’s rough, but presumably the affair created a lot of tough times for many people too.

He has chosen to accept his family’s ‘rule’ for seeing them. He clearly doesn’t want to lose contact with them. It’s down to the OP whether she’s willing to make this a red line issue or not. I wouldn’t myself - I dont think it’s unreasonable that he wants to maintain contact with his family. I get the impression that if he puts his foot down about bringing the OP along to this or other functions, he won’t be welcome anymore.

clairewithani

I never asked him not to go to a family function before. His family are entitled to ask who they want and also entitled not to ask me. The issue is that he barely knows these people but their wishes and feelings are more important to him than mine.

Big Bag of Chips

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Blood is thicker than water? So if my blood treats me or my loved ones (aka water) like sh** that's ok then? I don't think so.

I meant in the context of the cousin. She is obviously not going to invite the OP to her wedding. I wouldn't if it was me. She will be very aware of the history with her family and I don't think her wedding day is the place to make a stand and offer an olive branch. Especially to someone she's never met.

I think, OP, you have to change how you view this. He's not choosing someone he barely knows over you. He's choosing to go to a family occasion. You're ok with him going to family occasions. He's done it before. The hurt you both would have caused would run very deep. And yes, people should accept your relationship and move on and be happy etc, but it's not always so simple. And after years of behaving one way it can be difficult to see a different way.

I think the cousin is in a no win situation. She doesn't know you. She knows if you went along it would almost certainly cause upset, one thing she obviously wants to avoid on her wedding day. She could have just not invited him at all, but that its self would have raised a few questions from mutual friends and colleagues. The family have family occasions that you don't go to. This is just another family occasion.

I know it hurts, but the situation has been hurtful to a lot of people.

splinter65

clairewithani wrote: »

I never asked him not to go to a family function before. His family are entitled to ask who they want and also entitled not to ask me. The issue is that he barely knows these people but their wishes and feelings are more important to him than mine.

Sorry OP I’m not clear. Does your husband see much of his family generally? Do they live in the same area as you?

GarIT

I disagree with a good few of the responses. If you’re in a long term relationship you don’t attend any family events your partner isn’t invited to.

If your family isn’t civil to me you cut them out of your life or I’m gone.

In a LTR you should starts to take things as if they apply to both of you, someone being hurtful towards my partner is them being hurtful to me.

leggo

Yeah I'd also side with the OP. There comes a point where you have to have your partner's back and 8 years would seem to be that point. I agree with not blaming the cousin, as she's in a rock and hard place and doesn't want her wedding to be the place this boils over, but he also doesn't need to be there. It also sounds like there's more to this and perhaps the OP's partner has let her be the victim so he can continue being the beloved family member, that would bother me, it'd be like he's playing both sides off each other for his own gain. If he's the golden child and can do no wrong so they blame anyone who corrupts that mirage in order to preserve it...well they're living in a fantasy land tbh and need to be smacked back into reality.

I don't know if I'd actually want a relationship with a family who didn't want one with me, but I can see how there should also be times the partner should pick his partner's side, and this to me would seem to be one of them. I don't blame the OP for how she feels at all. If I was in his shoes, I'd personally fight with my family over this and call out their behaviour, saying they can accept both of us or risk not having me heavily involved in their lives because this is how it is now and it's my decision to make.

clairewithani

splinter65 wrote: »

Sorry OP I’m not clear. Does your husband see much of his family generally? Do they live in the same area as you?

They live within 6 miles. He sees them every week.

clairewithani

leggo wrote: »

Yeah I'd also side with the OP. There comes a point where you have to have your partner's back and 8 years would seem to be that point. I agree with not blaming the cousin, as she's in a rock and hard place and doesn't want her wedding to be the place this boils over, but he also doesn't need to be there. It also sounds like there's more to this and perhaps the OP's partner has let her be the victim so he can continue being the beloved family member, that would bother me, it'd be like he's playing both sides off each other for his own gain. If he's the golden child and can do no wrong so they blame anyone who corrupts that mirage in order to preserve it...well they're living in a fantasy land tbh and need to be smacked back into reality.

I don't know if I'd actually want a relationship with a family who didn't want one with me, but I can see how there should also be times the partner should pick his partner's side, and this to me would seem to be one of them. I don't blame the OP for how she feels at all. If I was in his shoes, I'd personally fight with my family over this and call out their behaviour, saying they can accept both of us or risk not having me heavily involved in their lives because this is how it is now and it's my decision to make.

Yes you have put it very well actually. They are acting like he was this innocent person who was ensnared and trapped by me and but for me things would be fine. And he does play on it sometimes. He once called to see his parents on the way back from somewhere else and left me sitting outside in the car for 45 minutes while he sat and had tea and a chat with them.

witchgirl26

OP I can feel for you that you're upset and you're entitled to that but if the majority of your partners family are going to be there and the cousin knows that they don't accept you, maybe she just was trying to avoid drama at her wedding by saying your partner could go but that you couldn't as having you there could cause a row.

At the end of the day, in that respect, it's her day and she can specify who she does and doesn't want there so as to avoid any scenes that could happen. Not saying you'd start one but his family could.

I was with my other half for 4 years and wasn't invited to his cousin's wedding. Similar situation in that he hadn't seen the cousin in years and barely knew them but got an invite to the wedding which specifically said no partners. This was for him and his siblings, all of whom had long-term partners or were married. Yes I was a bit upset but at the end of the day, it's his choice and his cousin so he went and was grand.

If you know his family don't accept you, whatever their rationale, then you have to accept that there will be family occasions like this that aren't directly organised by them but that they will be at, that you won't be welcome at. I'm not saying it's nice but it is going to happen.

Playing devils advocate here - maybe they are fully aware of their son's (your partners) behaviour and failings but at the end of the day, he's their son so they will forgive him to an extent. However to them, you may represent their son's failings so find it difficult to be around you.

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