Loveless Marriage

LegacyUser

Hi
Going unreg for this - have never said this out loud / written down before so please go easy in replies.
I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons - I was broken after my first love dumped me after a long period of time together - there were valid reasons but I was heartbroken nonetheless & was floundering from one disastrous relationship to another when we met. I had very low self esteem & I really couldn't cope with the break up.

Husband is steady and caring but down most of the time because he has depression this is hard to live with (he is getting treatment for this). I knew deep down I didn't love him from the beginning- I convinced myself this would fix itself later. Fast forward 12 years & I feel dead inside - there is no love, attraction, intimacy & I am difficult to live with because I feel so trapped. I had a dream last night, which prompted this post, where I was reminded of what affection felt like.

He knows but doesn't want to change anything - every year or so I have a meltdown & say I want to leave and am talked round. We have a child & I don't want him to grow up in a single income household with only one parent where his Dad really hasn't done anything wrong. I am open to leaving but again this would have a bad effect on my sons life financially, emotionally- I don't know if I could do this but at the same time I am having trouble putting on a front to cover up my feelings.

Should I just put in another couple of years (6+) & leave when son is 18? I can't see my feelings changing for my husband the attraction just isn't & never was there, the depression is so hard to live with & I can't fake it anymore. Has anyone else been in this situation & how did u cope? I feel so stupid & selfish.

Thanks for reading.

wiggle16

Hi OP

You are not stupid or selfish. It can be very easy for some people to drift into relationships and even into long term ones, because it feels safe and feels "good enough" at the time. You believed your feelings would grow stronger and that your relationship would eventually make you happy. It didn't. But that's not stupidity.

You've come to realise over the years that you don't love him and never felt as strongly about him as you thought you did, and now you have regrets and want change. That's not selfish. It's wanting more from life than the lot you have.

I know it's a cliché, but you cannot change the past. That doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up over it either.

If you are this unhappy, then it is not sustainable, and I think you know that. Your husband knows what the story is but doesn't want to accept it. Your son must know on some level that you are both deeply unhappy and that is not good for him either.

You have already made your mind up that you want out of this marriage - your post effectively asks if you should do it now or later. Myself I think it is better for a child to have two happy parents who live apart than two parents who are unhappy under the one roof. I don't know your financial circumstances but you are both adults and are capable of working out an arrangement with regards to your son - by the sounds of it, both of you will support him regardless of who he lives with. I don't know if your son would thank you for sticking out another six years of this, and you will regret doing so if it's not what you want. I understand your logic, but when you think about it, waiting until he is eighteen to end your marriage is arbitrary. He will go through the same emotions no matter what age he is - and either way, he will adapt.

This might sound blunt, but this is not an attack on you whatsoever: if you don't love your husband, you owe it to him to give him the chance and the time to find someone who will. I'm sure he loves you and as you say he is decent and caring (which makes it harder to leave) but if you don't love him, you shouldn't stay with him. If you stay another six years you will only waste both his time and yours, and six years is plenty of time for resentment to set in.

You also need to realise that you only get one life and spending it wallowing in a loveless marriage is a great way to waste it. I know that's easy for me to say, but you have enough regrets without an additional six years worth of them.
I know very little of this advice is of a practical nature, and I'm sorry for that. But I don't know if this is something that can be coped with or managed, really; if you stay, you will remain unhappy, because for you it is already over. Waiting until your son is a legal adult almost seems like you are waiting for permission to leave because there is no one single, stark, stand-alone "reason" to leave, like an infidelity or bad behaviour, that vindicates your decision or dissolves you of any obligation to stay with your husband. But you're not obliged to stay, being unhappy is reason enough. I don't know if all that will make sense to you, and I hope I don't sound like I'm telling you how you feel, I don't mean to, but you sound like you blame yourself for the situation and feel obliged to stay because you think it's your own doing. If so, in a situation like this there is no point in apportioning blame. It won't change anything.

You're not being selfish by wanting a better life than the one you have described.

I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide to do. Very best of luck OP xxx

LegacyUser

Hi

Thanks for your very detailed reply. I agree about giving him the chance to meet someone who will love him the way he should be. Its just much easier to leave things as they are I suppose for both of us. This is the start of the separation process for me, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking no one wins here just hurt & financial hardship for a few years & I suppose is it worth it. Thanks again for replying.

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

Sorry, but all my sympathy goes to your husband (and to a lesser extent, your child) here. You've built a life together based on your need to feel loved - even if you didn't reciprocate those feelings, not once ever. It was a bed of lies; you lied to him, and you lied to yourself.

You say your husband is now depressed - to my reading, you say this in an attempt to mitigate your own fault and validate your desire to leave him. I don't doubt that your husband is depressed - as you have trapped him in as what you have already described as a "loveless marriage". He must be devastated. And your attitude towards him will have no doubt been reflected in the level of intimacy you have shown him over the years.

Honestly, the sooner you leave him - and yes, you should be the one to leave - the sooner he can begin to heal. It may completely destroy him if you keep up the pretense.

LegacyUser

Hi

Thanks for your reply. Husband has been depressed for most of his life - well before he met me - I supported him in getting help for this; I’m not using as a mitigating factor simply stating it is difficult to live with someone who is down the majority of the time.

Re lies yes I accept that to a certain extent but there are 2 of us in this marriage & I have tried to leave several times, he is aware of my feelings for at least 6 years.

I am not worried about which of us leaves - the priority for me is minimising the impact on our son.

Ghekko

I think the worst thing a couple can do is stay together for the sake of the kids. Why would anyone want to be miserable for another 6 years? Your child will head off to make a life for himself and you are left sitting there wondering why you bothered wasting all that time being unhappy. Sit down and figure out your financial situations. Whoever leaves the home needs to be able to afford another place with room for your son to stay. You could have joint custody if you both agree. Your son is old enough to understand that couples just don't always stay together. I agree that it has to be difficult for him as it stands - he must sense tension in the home, no matter how hard you both try to keep things normal for him. It's sad for all of you but I would think better all round if you can move on with your lives now and maybe find happiness with other partners if you so wish.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply. I agree we need to sit down & work out the details of how our separation will work. We are mostly financially independent in that we can each support a separate home which is very lucky. I think mediation will help a lot if he will agree to go to mediation, for custody - shared with least interruption to ds life is the ideal.

Again thanks for all replies, it has helped me a lot to get an outsiders perspective.

Arrival

Ghekko wrote: »

I think the worst thing a couple can do is stay together for the sake of the kids. Why would anyone want to be miserable for another 6 years? Your child will head off to make a life for himself and you are left sitting there wondering why you bothered wasting all that time being unhappy. Sit down and figure out your financial situations. Whoever leaves the home needs to be able to afford another place with room for your son to stay. You could have joint custody if you both agree. Your son is old enough to understand that couples just don't always stay together. I agree that it has to be difficult for him as it stands - he must sense tension in the home, no matter how hard you both try to keep things normal for him. It's sad for all of you but I would think better all round if you can move on with your lives now and maybe find happiness with other partners if you so wish.

Well she is the one who's lied to and trapped this poor man and consumed a massive chunk of his life, which could've been used to find someone genuinely into him, and is now embarking on something that may completely destroy him, so I'd hope she'll make up for the lack of soul searching before marrying him by doing the decent thing and being the one to leave and not put him under any financial pressure. More importantly, he should get as much access to the child as possible, if not custody, as it would be a huge help during the massive struggle he is going to endure as a result of this

A good lesson that the kid should be taught from all of this is the importance to learn to really dig deep inside yourself as a person and consider what you truly want. It is hard, it takes courage and can be scary but this situation is the result of not having the strength to go through that

wiggle16

Arrival wrote: »

I'd hope she'll make up for the lack of soul searching before marrying him by doing the decent thing and being the one to leave and not put him under any financial pressure. More importantly, he should get as much access to the child as possible, if not custody, as it would be a huge help during the massive struggle he is going to endure as a result of this

It doesn't sound to me like the OP intends to leave the man destitute nor contest access to their child. They have to do what's best for the child, not use him as a comforter for her husband or give him full custody as some sort of compensation for leaving him.

ginandtonicsky

My parents stayed together for the kids. I've struggled with romantic relationships my whole life as a result, boundary issues, attracted to the wrong men, uncomfortable with intimacy, seeking validation in unhealthy ways, not running when I see red flags etc.

Don't do it. A bit of financial hardship is f*ck all compared to a lifetime of two people being miserable together and suffering mental health issues as a result. Your husband has no chance of recovering from his depression as long as you're with him, tolerating him, nowhere near loving him, making him feel like a burden, begrudging him. Love is acceptance, safety, security, intimacy, total trust in one another. You're giving him the opposite. His depression is feeding off it. Your son will suffer life-long with not knowing a healthy relationship when he sees it. Give him two happy parents, with their own lives, their own shot at happiness, living apart. It's the best gift you could give him.

You made a big mistake by marrying him by your own admission. Time to man up now and rectify that, don't cower away doing the "easy" thing because it'll turn into a long, miserable life for yourself in the long run. It's not the easy thing and you know it. You can do the actual right thing, or you can hide behind excuses and lie to yourself about what the right thing actually is.

BetsyEllen

My parents were incredibly unhappy together when my sister and I were children.
Now we’re adults we often talk about how horrible the atmosphere was at home and how miserable and sad it made us feel.
It’s probably no coincidence that both of us married young and were separated not long after, we both have issues with relationships.
I’m sure if I saw a councilor my issues would all go back to my childhood and the relationship my parents had.

Staying together for the sake of your son is doing no one any good. He may struggle to understand what’s happening at first but in the long term, it will be better for him and he will understand when he’s older.

An ex of mine had 2 children with his ex wife and they maintained a good friendship for the sake of the children and in the years I was with him, their kids seemed very happy and settled even though they had 2 homes.

qwerty13

I couldn’t agree with BetsyEllen any more if I tried. Been there, done that. It Fs up your views of relationships and how people should communicate. I describe it as the Cold War. Not even a war, just often nothingness. Parents who clearly have not much regard or time for each other. And if you think your son doesn’t know, you are wrong. I knew from 7 or 8.

I think you are doing your son a disservice in staying in your marriage. Of course my comments are from personal experience, but I’ve found it really hard to know what is ‘normal’ or generally acceptable in a relationship. With the result that I accepted ****ty ones and was deeply unhappy. Of course I bear my own responsibility for that too, but my god did my parents set up a ****ty template for life for me. I’ve sometimes found myself wondering if actual rows would have been better than the low-to-medium level ignoring / disparaging / eye rolling.

Don’t ‘stay for the sake of your child’. It will F him up way more than leaving, IMO.

ManOfMystery

The posters above have summed it up well so I can only reiterate what they're saying. Your child has no siblings (none that you've mentioned anyhow) so all their focus at home is entirely on you and your husband. 

Being exposed to a marriage which is devoid of intimacy, affection, closeness and a general desire to actually want to be together - which should be the fundamental driving force in any marriage - is dangerous for a child. It normalises this behaviour for them. They aren't born with the knowledge of how two adults should behave in a healthy relationship, they learn by what they see, and what your child is seeing currently is going to mould their own approach to relationships later in life. 

No random kisses or spontaneous affection, no hugs or lying together on the sofa, no playful caresses or anything of that ilk. My father used to sometimes playfully nip my Mum's bum if she was cooking in the kitchen and then give her a peck on the cheek (in fairness, it was probably a bit irritating! But he only did it out of affection) and it's only recently that I realise I now do it sometimes too. 

Do you want your child to grow up thinking cold silences, lack of affection and a mother who obviously doesn't want to be there are normal? That that's how a relationship functions? 

Do the right thing, and end this. It's healthier for a child to have 2 happy parents in separate homes than to have 2 unhappy ones just co-existing.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Not once in your original post have you mentioned or acknowledged your husbands feelings, or recognised the mental damage you have inflicted. you mention he is depressed, and admit for 6 years you have threatened to leave the marriage and allowed yourself to be "trapped" for longer, and repeatedly forced the poor man to beg you to stay, aka "talk you around". You have denied him intimacy, while staying married to him, and allowed yourself to be "difficult to live with".

now maybe you dont give a crap about him; but he is the father of your child and if he doesnt get your love he damn well should get your respect. He has had to live a lie, repeatedly beg you to stay and put up with zero affection for over a decade. And you think he is hard to live with because he is depressed!!!!!! A poster earlier said you shouldn't beat yourself up, but really, i think you should have a long overdue hard look in the mirror and consider your conduct.

Okay my advice is that perhaps you finally for once in your life try to take his feelings and wishes into account when plotting your escape. Stop "being difficult to live with". Stop making threats to leave and not following through, and having him walk on eggshells. It doesn't take an psychologist to tell the affect this must have on his wellbeing. Make a mental commitment to respect him, and where you cannot show love at least be courteous and considerate.

It may well be that splitting up is the best course of action, but even here you can minimise the impact and hurt by how you go about it. Seek mediation, and make your liberation as painless as possible for him and your child. Who knows perhaps you could agree to some compromises about who moves out, over custody and access to your child, etc, and ensure as a couple you avoid some of the common areas of conflict.

A less stressed and hurt ex husband is likely to be a better father than a damaged one. so its not even just for him you should attempt this.

ElizaBennett

You're in a really difficult situation and I just want to offer my sympathy. You didn't set out to hurt anyone and I think some commentators on here are incredible hard, cold and lacking in empathy.
Yes you need to leave this loveless marriage and I can tell you that you will experience extreme relief when you do that. Fear of what's ahead is worse than anything to come. All the best xx and I have to say there is a level of toxicity in some boards advice that is seriously not healthy for those who are vulnerable with problems

LaLa2004

Chloe50 wrote: »

Hi

This is the start of the separation process for me, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking no one wins here just hurt & financial hardship for a few years & I suppose is it worth it. Thanks again for replying.

You are wrong here. You both win. You are both living in misery now & subjecting a child to it. You have a lot of life left to live. Talk to your counsellor about this. Put words on it and face up to the issues. You need to be brave

woodchuck

I think some posters are being very harsh - we've all made mistakes when it comes to relationships! Yes you married him for the wrong reasons, but your husband isn't blameless here either. He has been aware of your feelings for 6 years and has convinced you to stick with the shame marriage.

However you both know that the marriage isn't working. I know you're worried about your child, but other people can speak from experience that it's actually better for him if you separate. Kids aren't stupid; they can pick up on the tension and it's also setting a very bad example for him later in life as he'll have a warped perception about relationships.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband. TELL him you want a separation - it's not an issue for discussion. Once one person has given up on a relationship, it's over. It has been for a long time by the sounds of it...

Neyite

Mod:

Post deleted as it offered no advice and was just critical of the OP. This is below standard here.

Offer advice that is helpful to the Op and be mindful of the fact that they are upset about their issue, so please be constructive in a kind manner.

Xterminator

but your husband isn't blameless here either. He has been aware of your feelings for 6 years and has convinced you to stick with the shame marriage.

you are blaming the husband for trying to keep his family together?

Its not a sham marriage for the husband -not sure about the OP. The fact they have children would suggest that they both were invested in the marriage at one stage. Only she knows what was going on in her head at the time, but i dont think you could apply the sham marriage label.

The wife wants out, and that might be the best solution - im not disputing that.

woodchuck

Xterminator wrote: »

you are blaming the husband for trying to keep his family together?

My post was in the context of other posts (since deleted) blaming the wife for the current situation and pitying the husband. Of course marriages should be worked on when there are problems, but obviously nothing has changed in 6 years. I'm not blaming the husband, but equally I think it's unfair to blame the wife when she has been honest about her feelings for 6 years.

It gets to a point where it's more damaging for the child to be kept in a dysfunctional family and the correct decision is to separate. Unfortunately it sounds like it has reached this point for the couple in question.