kids makings friends, but their friends parents??

nitpick man

Hi all I'm a family man . Happily married with two young children ,2 yo boy and 4 yo going on 5 in two months. Now I'm all for going out on the road or wherever to get my kids active and play as all kids love to do. I live in an estate where we have a nice green outside the house. Couple of the kids are older probably 10yo max, a group of 5-8 max mixed. They do their thing and we do ours . They are very well mannered , very polite and just kids . Even times they play outside our house as were in a cul de sack . Not a issue whatsoever not even the slightest.
My kids have friends in around the same age and at times we a play outside.
My eldest one always wants to run over and play with the other kids that are older . At times I have to explain to her that they are doing their thing and older, generally distract her. They wave at each other and so on. But she is too young for there age group.

I'm a friendly out going dad , I would always say hello to anyone and I love my kids making friends. Sometimes children in around same age as my own would be out with their mam or dad's on a stroll would generally stop for a bit and we'd be all watching them playing,we'd be playing, having a chat and so on. Getting to know a bit about each other and on and on and on.
anything to see the smile on kids faces making and playing with friend. Sure times you even make friends yourself.

So here's my issue... 2 days ago with the lovely weather outside , we were out on the road. Newish Neighbours from behind our road came around to the green with her dad and grandad. My girl and his girl seemed to click very well , played, ran, laughed together. My wife and I introduced ourselves , the usual head nod stuff , asked few questions like is she in school yet , how old, living here live. You know just to keep the convo going.
Now the grandad did most of the talking and the dad not saying much.
Anyway it was time for them to leave and reluctantly his girl didn't want to leave and was nearly stropping. Naturally of course. They had played well together.. Say goodbyes , see you tomorrow. Waving.. and off they went.

About half an hour later Granny and girl come back around . She runs over happy , granny says hello , blah blah blah. But seemed very nice. It was just that we had planned to head in before they arrived. So we stayed out an extra half hour. Chatting away. Letting them play . Granny says" She hasn't stopped talking about your one since she came home, I had to bring her around". We went in soon

fast forward to today.. Dad and girl come around. She run over. He well behind her, on his phone , walks along path , walks around us and onto the green. NOT ONCE did he look up and acknowledge myself or the wife. For about 5 minutes he stood there looking down at his phone , glanced over at the two of them playing ever so often.. it was like a dead silent blew over. I was just puzzled , he knew they were playing together and it felt like we were being used.

Using us for his child's entertainment. And him standing there making no interaction with us whatsoever. I just got a weird vibe. He had a dog with him which was off the lead. They were close to it , I said to my one, "be careful around the dog". He looks up and goes to put lead on, I say to my ". Tell your friend about our two dogs". He puts lead on and back to his phone. Not even a head nod, we stand there still puzzled. They played for a bit longer . Until we leave with the 'Dinner 'excuse.

Walked away feeling strange.. as did my wife.

BabysCoffee

Sounds like he just has no social skills or is very shy but is coming off as rude

xabi

Sounds like a quiet man, just shy, you’re over thinking it. Did you try and strike up a conversation?

Big Bag of Chips

He's obviously not a big talker. I don't see how you were being used. If he dropped his child at the corner and told her to go knock on your door, then I'd say you were being used.. but he supervised his child, you were also out. He might be really awkward and not good at making small talk. It doesn't mean that his child shouldn't be able to make friends with yours. Just because your children play together doesn't mean he has to hang around making small talk. So long as he's not dropping his child and using you as a babysitter then I don't see any real issue.

nitpick man

You'd think the fact he had already introduced himself with his father or in-law the previous day would have broken that barrier . He didn't even make an effort.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

Sounds to me like you are completely over reacting- taking offence and feeling used. He is shy/ in a bad mood/ on a work call/ not in the mood for questions/ didn't really like you .
You don't have to be friends with the parents your kids play with on the green.

BabysCoffee

nitpick man wrote: »

You'd think the fact he had already introduced himself with his father or in-law the previous day would have broken that barrier . He didn't even make an effort.

Some people find it very difficult to interact with others

_Brian

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Sounds like he just has no social skills or is very shy but is coming off as rude

Yea that’s very likely ok, people seem incapable these days of making an effort to chat and be polite. You could monitor things for a while and see how it goes.

Did you walk over and introduce yourself ?? It may have been enough to break the ice.


It’s hard, when my eldest was 9 we had to ask her not to play with one kid in her class as the parents were dealing drugs and their house was raided several times. Was easier th head it off at that stage then let a friendship develop. The girl is drinking and smoking now that they are 15 so it was best avoided.

xabi

Apt username ;-)

Teyla Emmagan

He sounds like someone with no social skills. Some people don't. Or maybe he wanted a few minutes peace and quiet without having to make smalltalk. Just because your kids are friendly does not mean you have to be.

_Brian

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

He sounds like someone with no social skills. Some people don't. Or maybe he wanted a few minutes peace and quiet without having to make smalltalk. Just because your kids are friendly does not mean you have to be.

No, but the best way to know who your kids are mixing with is to talk to them, I’m no socialite but where the kids are concerned I’d make an effort to talk to them so I can be comfortable that things are ok.

nitpick man

I see your point of view. But when other kids come over and jump on your kids bike , play with your kids toys. You like to think they would make acknowledgement never mind small talk. I know my child does it . All the time . We shouldn't have to be telling her to ask her dad is it okay for you to be on it. He should be coming over asking us

nitpick man

xabi wrote: »

Apt username ;-)

Me all over

fritzelly

nitpick man wrote: »

You'd think the fact he had already introduced himself with his father or in-law the previous day would have broken that barrier . He didn't even make an effort.

As you said it was the grandfather doing the social bit.
Give it time, he's only just met you - get the kids to bring you together, be having a pint together in no time!

Ghekko

I'd say he's just socially awkward. Don't write him off just yet.

wexie

Could be any number of things, could be shy, maybe his english isn't great, maybe he's just socially awkward, maybe he's dealing with crippling anxiety and just being out of the house in a new environment is a major effort.

Just try and be nice is all you can do, don't be pushy either, not everybody is outgoing all the time.

pwurple

Ah good old Phone Parent. Literally phoning it in.

ArnieSilvia

Might be a gambling/betting addict or checking stocks/Forex or worse, bitcoin Or just writing work related emails

nitpick man

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

He sounds like someone with no social skills. Some people don't. Or maybe he wanted a few minutes peace and quiet without having to make smalltalk. Just because your kids are friendly does not mean you have to be.

I know there is no rule . But if there is no common courtesy then yes, we don't have to be friendly.

December2012

Dud you actually try to talk to him?

pwurple

"No social skills" is the new lingo for rude git. Don't sweat it OP, they're not rare.

I've been that parent who has a zillion work emails to do while the kids are playing. I woman-up and apologise for being rude to whoever I'm snubbing, making some weak excuse about a deadline and some guy being in an odd timezone. Or, a nod and a shrug or wave if I'm talking on the phone. Everyone has to look up some time, even to check the smallies are still alive. A nod of acknowledgement is all it takes to be polite.

imfml

Great your kids are having fun together and enjoying each other’s company. Don’t let your expectations ruin a friendship for the kids.

Do you go out to supervise your kid or to make friends with other kids parents. If it’s the second, are you using your kid? If you start to over think things or project your expectations on others you’ll sound unrealsonable.

Purple Mountain

I'm putting it on the record here.
You two will be besties by next Christmas..feet up with the footie on, a few bottles in hand reminiscent about how you first met..

The Wordress

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I'm putting it on the record here.
You two will be besties by next Christmas..feet up with the footie on, a few bottles in hand reminiscent about how you first met..

Crying with laughter, hilarious

God I hate mindless small talk!

nitpick man

Yes an alright , head nod and a hello. No response. Stood there on his phone. Had a conversation with him in a way but was through his daughter telling her to ask her dad is it okay to be on the bike. I know I would have asked, but that me.

One eyed Jack

I think OP it's just because you're so used to being friendly with all the other parents that you have an expectation that this particular parent should have reciprocated your friendship. There's nothing wrong with that expectation, but when it doesn't pan out you really shouldn't be given to over-thinking the infinite number of possible reasons why it didn't. You'll honestly only torment yourself.

My child plays with plenty of other children in the neighbourhood, and when we go down to the park there are plenty of parents there too. Our children playing together doesn't mean I want to get to know their parents, and certainly I don't think I'm "using" them because our children play together. Their children come over to my place, my child goes to their place. I have their phone numbers and they have mine if we want to contact each other to find anything out. Other than the fact our children play together we really just don't have anything in common.

Of course I'm friends with some of my child's friends parents, but no, I wouldn't see any particular need to be friendly with them all.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't understand why she'd have to ask her dad if it was ok to be on your daughter's bike? Surely if she was going to ask anyone, she'd ask your daughter. Kids play together. Kids share their stuff. Kids fall out and make up again in minutes. Your child's friendship with someone shouldn't depend on Your friendship with their parents.

He could just be an ignorant pig. But why would that matter to your daughter and her new friend?

And I'm still confused as to how he's using you.

nitpick man

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't understand why she'd have to ask her dad if it was ok to be on your daughter's bike? Surely if she was going to ask anyone, she'd ask your daughter.

my kids use helmets when on their bikes. I shouldn't be responsible for her if she did fall off the bike , so yeah the dad should ask or even acknowledge it. Remember they are 4 yo

riffmongous

Sounds just plain rude if it's as you describe, if you'd already been introduced the previous day and now he's just blanked you, and with effort it must be said

volchitsa

riffmongous wrote: »

Sounds just plain rude if it's as you describe, if you'd already been introduced the previous day and now he's just blanked you, and with effort it must be said

It is rude, and some people just are. It's really nice if the parents of our kids' friends are nice too, but sometimes they aren't specially, and you just have to roll with that. HE seems to be supervising, so IMO he's not really "using" you the way some parents do, using you as free childminding services while they go off and leave you to it. He's just not being very friendly. But you can't force him to.

Basically, I'd be more worried about whether my kids are safe with the other parents, once they get to the age of going over to each others' houses and the like. Which will come soon enough if they become friends.

My daughter had a friend she did gymnastics with, and while I got on really well with the mother, the father was a massive drinker, stank of old alcohol all the time, and when the mother wanted us to share the driving to and from competitions, I was in a bit of quandary about whether I should be upfront about why I didnt want my daughter in their car!

So this is just the start OP, you'll probably soon think that was a minor "friends" issue compared to what else can come up!

Big Bag of Chips

So what advice ar you looking for? Or are you just having a rant? Next time he comes around with his daughter, if he doesn't approach you you can approach him. Tell him you're not comfortable with his daughter being on your daughter's bike unless she wears a helmet and ask him to make sure she has one. Or else, tell your daughter to bring all her stuff into the back garden and not allow the little one to use it. Or else tell your 4 year old that she's not allowed play with the other 4 year old because her dad won't speak to you.

osarusan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Tell him you're not comfortable with his daughter being on your daughter's bike unless she wears a helmet and ask him to make sure she has one.

Seems reasonable.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Or else, tell your daughter to bring all her stuff into the back garden and not allow the little one to use it.

What? Why?

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Or else tell your 4 year old that she's not allowed play with the other 4 year old because her dad won't speak to you.

What? Why?

Big Bag of Chips

Because if he doesn't want to approach him to ask him to make sure his daughter has a helmet then suggestion 2, (and maybe even 3 depending on how strgonly he feels about the man not speaking to him) is an option for him. He also seems to think he is somehow being "used" by the man so if he honestly feels that way then maybe he is better cutting off the budding friendship.

Of course I think suggestion 2 and 3 are a bit extreme, but I'm stuggling to understand what his real issue is with the father not speaking to him.

He could of course just sit in his garden watching his own daughter playing with a new friend without over thinking it.

osarusan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Of course I think suggestion 2 and 3 are a bit extreme, but I'm stuggling to understand what his real issue is with the father not speaking to him.

He could of course just sit in his garden watching his own daughter playing with a new friend without over thinking it.

Options 2 and 3 will just result in his daughter losing a friend that they play with. I don't know if you are serious about them, or trying to make a point about the OP overreacting.

OP, let the kids play together just like the other kids in the neighbourhood. Whatever issues you have with/perception you have of the other father, don't let that impact on the kids' relationship.

You seem to be reading a lot into his behaviour - perhaps he is just a quiet or socially awkward person. Treat it as that until you have more reason not to.

RebelButtMunch

Maybe your not his cup of tea. Each to their own, as long as the kids are out having fun, thats the main thing.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So what advice ar you looking for? Or are you just having a rant? Next time he comes around with his daughter, if he doesn't approach you you can approach him. Tell him you're not comfortable with his daughter being on your daughter's bike unless she wears a helmet and ask him to make sure she has one. Or else, tell your daughter to bring all her stuff into the back garden and not allow the little one to use it. Or else tell your 4 year old that she's not allowed play with the other 4 year old because her dad won't speak to you.

Sounds like there is too much vinegar in your back.

nitpick man

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So what advice ar you looking for? Or are you just having a rant? Next time he comes around with his daughter, if he doesn't approach you you can approach him. Tell him you're not comfortable with his daughter being on your daughter's bike unless she wears a helmet and ask him to make sure she has one. Or else, tell your daughter to bring all her stuff into the back garden and not allow the little one to use it. Or else tell your 4 year old that she's not allowed play with the other 4 year old because her dad won't speak to you.

Wondering if there Is too much vinegar on your chips making your bag all soggy.
This has nothing to do with friendship with the parent or me wanting a friend. It is that fact that there was NO verbal or non-verbal communication from him towards us

nitpick man

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Or else tell your 4 year old that she's not allowed play with the other 4 year old because her dad won't speak to you.

This is NOT advice and coming from a MOD.

Big Bag of Chips

nitpick man wrote: »

It is that fact that there was NO verbal or non-verbal communication from him towards us

So what advice are you looking for from people here? We can't change him. We can't explain why he didn't talk to you. All we can do is offer you advice on what you can do in future around him, ie approach him to try speak to him, or don't. You seem to be implying that his daughter's friendship with your daughter is a problem (you feel "used") - so you either try talk to him, or don't - or you discourage your daughter from being friends with his daughter (by maybe not being available when she calls around to play) if the situation leaves you and your wife feeling "strange".

nitpick man wrote: »

This is NOT advice and coming from a MOD.

I am not a moderator in this forum, I'm just an ordinary poster, like you!

georgina toadbum

Maybe he just doesn't like you?

az2wp0sye65487

I can be like your neighbour from time to time OP. Sometimes I can make a real effort chatting to new people etc. But other times I find it difficult to strike up conversations.

My wife told me before that I can come across as rude to others - and I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. Even after I'd been speaking to someone and in my own mind I was being great craic!

So he might just be oblivious.

Either that or he can't stand you, but knows his daughter likes your daughter so is suffering the awkwardness for the sake of his daughter making a friend...

Chocolate fiend

I have 3 and the oldest is 10 now and some days I don't even want to talk to myself, I don't make excuses, I am not rude, I just don't have the mental energy to engage in small talk. I could be that man. I am not socially awkward, I am not rude, I am simply engaging in a bit of self care from time to time, and that means putting myself first.

Yes a nod or a quick hello would be nice and is a social norm, but you can only do your thing, you can't make him be the person you want him to be.

I would say get over it and don't invest so heavily in things like this - if you guys are going to be friends it will evolve organically, and maybe some day he will tell you about the days he isn't able to face the world but still has to get up and take his daughter to the park and how judged he feels.