Marital bliss

Phonewabiro78

Married 6 years one great child. My wife is slowly killing my enthusiasm for her though.

She has all but given up on personal appearance. Dresses like a hobo or extremely ill fitting clothing. As in horrible shabby baggy stuff or gym clothes which are beconing increasingly too tight. The hair may or may not get combed and the face stays unwashed on weekends.

She has given up on trying to stay in any sort of good shape and despite giving out about putting on weight continues to eat fast food a few tunes a week as well as drinking most nights of the week.

Then there is the sniffling. Refuses to blow her nose. Every sniffle disgusts me more and more.

I have gently brought up these issues but every time I do she comes straight back with “well you wash your teeth too loud” or “those jeans are shabby too” or some other defense to put it back on me.

We had been trying for number 2 but i cannot find the drive for it. I’m straight up not interested in any physical acts. It’s like she feels that because we are together so long (13 years in total) that she no longer needs to keep me interested.

Now I know I’m not perfect. But I try to stay in shape, eat reasonably well, am able to blow my nose and admit I may wash my teeth too loud.

What the bloody hell does a guy do? I do love her. She is a great mother and a very supportive and loving wife. But the above issues are not minor.

strandroad

How old is your child, does she work, is she around people in general?

Lisha

Any chance your wife is depressed?
It sounds like she has lost interest in everything.
Would you conInsider couple counselling?

Anne1982h

She may be having some self esteem issues if she has put on weight hence getting into a viscious cycle of wearing baggier clothes and eating more junk leading to feeling more self conscious and just wanting to cover up. Does she work during the week as I like to wear no makeup and wear comfy clothes on the weekend as it’s my only time to relax. My OH does the same wearing tracksuit bottoms etc. Would you get a babysitter for your child and go away for the weekend - book a spa appointment and a dinner so you’ll both have to dress up for that. If money is an issue there are quite good deals on pigs back etc. it might make her feel better. She could just be in a rut. Who does the cooking? Summer is a good time to suggest making a salad a few times a week and getting out to the park for a walk with your child. You could say you want to lose some weight and tone up as the reason behind it. Could be worth trying. Re nose does she have sinus problems? You could suggest she goes for an overall health check now you’re trying for a new child. Doctor might say she could do with losing weight or give her something for her nose.

JackTaylorFan

Honestly, this sounds like it calls for a lot more than a trip to the spa for a weekend. Have you discussed the possibility that maybe you guys are done with each other as romantic partners?

I've honestly seen this happen to a good friend of mine. And after the 2nd child, any passion that was in their marriage died completely. The saddest part is they are still cohabiting; keeping up appearances for the sake of the kids and relatives. They seemed to have reconciled some after a wobbly spell, but it's like a comfortable friendship rather than passion from what I gather. I have also bore witness to their bickering - it really doesn't seem like a healthy situation for either of them.

I wonder if this where your marriage is heading, OP

kerryjack

Depression seems to be a great excuse for lazziness and being a slob. What I would do is stay away from her for a while, get dolled up yourself and child and head out to nice places and she might get the message when she is left behind.

Phonewabiro78

strandroad wrote: »

How old is your child, does she work, is she around people in general?

Child is 3. Yes she works and is very much around people all day.

Phonewabiro78

Lisha wrote: »

Any chance your wife is depressed?
It sounds like she has lost interest in everything.
Would you conInsider couple counselling?

Suggested a therapist last year and was laughed at.

Colser

Phonewabiro78 wrote: »

Suggested a therapist last year and was laughed at.

Does she make an effort going to work,getting washed and clean clothes?

Phonewabiro78

Anne1982h wrote: »

She may be having some self esteem issues if she has put on weight hence getting into a viscious cycle of wearing baggier clothes and eating more junk leading to feeling more self conscious and just wanting to cover up. Does she work during the week as I like to wear no makeup and wear comfy clothes on the weekend as it’s my only time to relax. My OH does the same wearing tracksuit bottoms etc. Would you get a babysitter for your child and go away for the weekend - book a spa appointment and a dinner so you’ll both have to dress up for that. If money is an issue there are quite good deals on pigs back etc. it might make her feel better. She could just be in a rut. Who does the cooking? Summer is a good time to suggest making a salad a few times a week and getting out to the park for a walk with your child. You could say you want to lose some weight and tone up as the reason behind it. Could be worth trying. Re nose does she have sinus problems? You could suggest she goes for an overall health check now you’re trying for a new child. Doctor might say she could do with losing weight or give her something for her nose.

She has always suffered from self esteem issues due to a bullying mother who basically transferred her own weight issues into her. Now my wife isn’t “fat” by any means but is going that direction fast. When she used loomsfter herself I always complimented for 2 reasons. Firstly it was deserved and secondly just to get her mothers nay saying out if her head. That’s a difficult thing for her to get past though. I understand that. Scars remain clearly.

Re food - again she used be a great cook. Now things she used make great are awful usually end up in the bin and we eat crap as nothing else is readily available. We generally share the duty be it every other night or every other week.

Re weekends away - been there done it.

The sinus thing she has had ops for and never improved it. But that does not excuse sniffling in my book.

Thanks for your long reply though.

Phonewabiro78

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Honestly, this sounds like it calls for a lot more than a trip to the spa for a weekend. Have you discussed the possibility that maybe you guys are done with each other as romantic partners?

I've honestly seen this happen to a good friend of mine. And after the 2nd child, any passion that was in their marriage died completely. The saddest part is they are still cohabiting; keeping up appearances for the sake of the kids and relatives. They seemed to have reconciled some after a wobbly spell, but it's like a comfortable friendship rather than passion from what I gather. I have also bore witness to their bickering - it really doesn't seem like a healthy situation for either of them.

I wonder if this where your marriage is heading, OP

We don’t bicker. We get on great generally speaking. Like all couples we don’t agree on everything.

Don’t want to sound like a wanker here but she is attracted to me. I think . It’s just vice versa isn’t waning daily.

Phonewabiro78

Colser wrote: »

Does she make an effort going to work,getting washed and clean clothes?

Yes she does. But she wore a maternity dress the other day ffs as her normal clothes are too tight at the moment. I would have assumed that was an alarm bell sscreaming but no.

Lisha

Phonewabiro78 wrote: »

Suggested a therapist last year and was laughed at.

Well that wasn’t very nice in her part.

From what you have said I think your marriage is in big trouble. Do you really think that if she looked better, dressed better, just had abetter attitude to life that all would be ok?

Does she need to realise how near dead the marriage is? Sounds like her mother’s ****tty actions have done real damage and now she is acting the same.

Would you be prepared to sit down abd say ‘if things dont improve I’m gone!’

GingerLily

Phonewabiro78 wrote: »

The sinus thing she has had ops for and never improved it. But that does not excuse sniffling in my book.

How is that not an excuse? This sounds quite unreasonable.

JackTaylorFan

Phonewabiro78 wrote: »

.
I have gently brought up these issues but every time I do she comes straight back with “well you wash your teeth too loud” or “those jeans are shabby too” or some other defense to put it back on me.

Phonewabiro78 wrote: »

We don’t bicker.

Okay... if you say so..

nikkibikki

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Honestly, this sounds like it calls for a lot more than a trip to the spa for a weekend.

Possibly but you'd be amazed what a night or 2 away alone can do to recharge the batteries. It might give them a chance to talk and maybe re-ignite some passion.

kerryjack wrote:

What I would do is stay away from her for a while, get dolled up yourself and child and head out to nice places and she might get the message when she is left behind.

That's just cruel. I would advise against this approach. Exclusion is a form of bullying in my book.

Church on Tuesday

The mother being a bit of a bully would explain a lot, have seen that myself.

Sounds like she going through some self-esteem issues right now which does seem to happen with women who have slightly toxic mothers.

Also the fact you have a young child and general hassles of work life might be a contributing factor, contributing to burnout.

Maybe extend that weekend trip to a week away somewhere nice? preferably sunny if you can?

As someone mentioned earlier, you'd be amazed at the difference it could make.

Emme

Emotional abuse in childhood can do real damage. Does she see her mother often? Has she had any reason to see her family more often due to illness? This might affect her emotional state.

She needs to go to counselling on her own to address the emotional abuse from her mother. If she has no clothes that fit could you buy her something nice in a size to fit. It can be jeans and a top or a dress. Also a voucher for a hair and makeup makeover might help - say you understand how busy she is with work and the child and that she needs a treat.

Finally, does she really want a second child? Slobbing out could be her way of telling you she doesn't.

Arrival

Lisha wrote: »

Well that wasn’t very nice in her part.

From what you have said I think your marriage is in big trouble. Do you really think that if she looked better, dressed better, just had abetter attitude to life that all would be ok?

Does she need to realise how near dead the marriage is? Sounds like her mother’s ****tty actions have done real damage and now she is acting the same.

Would you be prepared to sit down abd say ‘if things dont improve I’m gone!’

Maybe he shouldn't say exactly this but he definitely needs to have a real sit down, raise all of these issues and confront her about working on and resolving them or the marriage is going to go in a really bad direction which has already started.

Something I would suggest is getting a babysitter and taking her to some of the places you would've enjoyed going to together when you first started dating and recalling some of your favourite memories and moments together. Talk about how passionate and loving you were. And then raise the issues with her and explain that you really want the marriage and relationship to succeed long term but that you feel it is heading in the wrong direction from that and that as a couple you really need to prevent that and the only way to do so is by actually working on it but most of all communicating better. I can't ****ing believe she laughed at you when you suggested therapy to be honest, I mean a partner suggesting that should set off alarm bells and make one take things seriously and realise there really is an issue. You have a real uphill battle on your hands with her I'd say, seems like she's oblivious and worst of all completely closed off to criticisms from the person who's the closest in the world to her. Good luck, OP. I just hope you'll be very direct and upfront with her before possibly ending things because in situations like this the person may be, as others have said, depressed or suffering with other issues that make them dull and emotionless which can result in relationship issues that ultimately could be resolved if you can get through to them that they need help.

TheAnalyst_

What a slob. Ditch her.

Arrival

TheAnalyst_ wrote: »

What a slob. Ditch her.

Yeah, man. After 13 years he should just ditch his wife and mother of his child no bother. No wonder so many people are so unhappy these days, people can't be bothered working on their relationships, just want to ditch them at the first sign of a struggle and effort

.......

This post has been deleted.

suicide_circus

Hit the gym yourself and hit it hard. When asked why youre spending so much time working out all of a sudden reply "because I want to make the effort to stay attractive to you"

.......

This post has been deleted.

woodchuck

OP in relation to the sniffling, you're being completely unreasonable. She has a medical condition FFS! And she can't just replace every sniffle with blowing her nose. Surely you know from having a cold how raw and cracked your nose gets from doing that - you can't expect someone to do that every day of their lives. But honestly, this just sounds like petty nit-picking on your part anyway.

As for putting on weight, you're saying that her clothes are getting tighter - the fact that she's can still fit into them at all would mean she hasn't put on that much though weight surely? Maybe just gone up one dress size? Perhaps you can clarify, but it sounds like you might be being a little unreasonable here.

Have you actually tried to communicate openly with your wife at all? Not asking her why she's dressing like a hobo, but try to get the root of the problem. It could just be that she's overwhelmed juggling work and a small child. If so, I can see how looking after her appearance would be pushed down the list of priorities.

suicide_circus

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

What can i say? I've seen it work

LirW

suicide_circus wrote: »

What can i say? I've seen it work

But don't you wanna work together with your partner instead of sending the message of "I'm better because I working out and I'm giving you the hint of doing so too".

OP could suggest doing a weekly gym evening together maybe?
Does she have any kind of support around, like family that can take the kids from time to time?
How about you take her out for a nice evening and you both decide together on what to do? If she's not getting any enthusiasm about alone time with you there might be deeper problems.

How old is the child? If the child is under 1 could post-partum depression be something that fcuks with her?
Does she stay at home or does she work? Believe me, if the child is in a phase where it regularly throws tantrums it can really drain you. Many mothers sometimes don't manage to shower or dress nicely because you're simply chasing the children around the whole day and when you sit down there's a big chance that your tea gets cold because the kids spilled something, knocked something over, needs your undivided attention.

I'm currently a stay at home too and my partner once or twice got angry at me because I didn't empty the dishwasher until the afternoon when he returned. He couldn't imagine that I didn't manage to do anything remotely house related because the baby had a tough phase and needed me to carry her around non-stop.
He only understood when he had her a whole weekend on her own that this is a fulltime job that tires you out like any other job.

I get the feeling that she needs you and your support right now. It's easy to neglect yourself and your relationship with all the routine of work, cleaning, laundry, food, bad nights with the kids. It's easy to forget making time for it and excluding that from your routine. Then you can easily fall into the cycle of eating bad, not looking after yourself.
Make plans with her together, make her excited, tell her you want to do a fancy night out where you both totally overdress, you'll have the great craic though.
Maybe she gained weight and now has nothing nice to wear anymore and is simply embarrassed leading to eating worse and gaining more weight. People cope differently.

If you feel you're not able to do that I'd sit her down and talk about where you are in the relationship and how you feel, be open and honest with her. Maybe she has a lot on her mind too, maybe she's unhappy as well. Communicate with each other.

suicide_circus

LirW wrote: »

But don't you wanna work together with your partner instead of sending the message of "I'm better because I working out and I'm giving you the hint of doing so too".

Ideally yes but that's assuming we are all mature, rational and reasonable beings at all times. Which of course we're not. Listen, i gave a possible option, it's for the OP to take or leave.