Boyfriend’s mother thinks I’m too tall

LegacyUser

This is a bit of a weird one so bear with me... me and my boyfriend are planning to get engaged this year, he’s absolutely fantastic and I feel really lucky to have met him. However when he told his mam that he was planning to propose this year she said I’m too tall and that he should marry someone more petite! (I’m 5 foot 7 or 8 and he’s the same kinda height, I don’t wear heels but if I did I guess that would make me taller than him)

He’s Eastern European and his parents are very traditional in a lot of ways. They’re from quite a small rural village. I’ve met them a few times when I visited and thought they liked me, although there’s a bit of a language barrier, they seemed friendly though. Is this a cultural thing? I’m not really sure what to make of it.

Anyway he’s really annoyed about his mam’s reaction and can’t understand why she can’t just be happy for him that he’s met someone he wants to spend his life with. She thinks I’m too tall and a bit fat, and that he should find someone smaller. I could lose some weight to be honest, and all his female cousins are really slender and look like models, but the height thing seems to be more of an issue with her.

It’s just such a weird thing to even think, it’s not like you can just trade your girlfriend in for a shorter version - that’s not how relationships work! I think he’s regretting that he told me what she said because I am a bit hurt by it, even while I can see how bizarre it is. He says his mam is just being an idiot and doesn’t understand how the real world works.

I wonder if what she really means is that he should marry a girl from his home country instead of an Irish girl?

Neyite

Chances are shes one of those who will always find fault of some sort with their son's choice of bride. If you were tiny, she'd probably find that wrong too.

Your height is fine. Your body is fine. All of the things about you are fine. Your boyfriend thinks you are wonderful enough to want to spend the rest of his life with and that is honestly the only opinion that matters here.

Don't mind her. Honestly, work on that. Because she may be the kind to criticise everything about your lives together. Where you choose your home, how you decorate, how you rear your kids if you plan to have them. You both need to develop a thick skin and healthy boundaries so she knows what's acceptable to say and what not. And even then it might be tricky, but as long as you two are ok with how you are living your lives, let her off. You don't need her opinion to be happy.

Even when MILs are lovely and actually do like you, the can still have moments where a wife or girlfriend gets the blame for any decisions her son might make that she would disagree with. Myself and my SIL's just laugh it off because on balance, she's such a nice MIL.

Big Bag of Chips

Her opinion doesn't seem to be his opinion, so there isn't a problem. He could tell her if she feels so strongly about his choice of bride/wife that she doesn't need to come to the wedding.

Addle

I'd say your last idea is right OP.
Her son is probably gone for good now that he's marrying an Irish girl.
She'll probably always resent you and will just have to get used to it.

Church on Tuesday

The most important thing here is that your partner is annoyed too, so you are a team.

Trust me I've been there in a previous life where my ex's mother despised me for pretty much no reason at all.

Sometimes there's just no pleasing mammy.

You both love each other that's the most important thing.

Pass no heed of the mother, she's pretty irrelevant now, just try to be courteous and respectful towards her and always be the bigger person.

jlm29

How random. You’re fine as you are, he obviously thinks so!
Just consider yourself lucky she lives in a different country!

loalae

I'd be wondering why your partner told you the negative thing his mother said about you. Seems like a strange thing to say when it can be nothing but hurtful.

LegacyUser

Original poster here again. Regarding why he told me - I could see that he was annoyed about something so asked him, he said his mam was just being stupid and upsetting him, I pressed it until he told me about their conversation (I wasn't expecting it to be about me!) He does regret telling me now even though I asked him to tell me what was up.

He's worried now that he's destroyed any good relationship between me and his parents, and he wants to make it ok - I think he's going too far in the other direction though, he suggested getting his mam to apologise to me over skype which personally I think is a bad idea because it'll just escalate everything and turn it into a huge thing. It was a private conversation and it's not like she said it to my face (although I still don't appreciate that she suggested him breaking up with me).

I have to admit though that I'm feeling a bit bleh about a few things now. He would like to get married in a church whereas I would prefer a humanist ceremony, but we'd agreed to do the church wedding because it would be important to his parents - now I don't feel like being so accommodating. He'd also like to baptise our kids if we are lucky enough to have some, but I disagree with baptising kids just for the sake of the grandparents. I know this is going a bit off the topic, but he doesn't even go to mass anymore so the church wedding and baptisms would just be for his parents, and if his mam doesn't like me anyway for no reason then I don't see why I should be doing those things for them.

Maybe I'm doing alright if the only thing she can find to criticise about me is my height? I've been open to the idea of learning to cook the traditional dishes, learning a bit of their language, incorporating some of their traditions into our wedding, trying to raise our potential future children as bilingual and maybe even spending summers in his home country... I'm not sure what else I can do, I can't help my height or my nationality.

heretothere

Very mean thing for her to say! Your height has nothing to do with anything. My friend is nearly 6ft tall her fiance is 2/3 inches shorter it's never been an issue. Hard to know what it is, could well be that you're 'stealing' her son.

I'd have been the same I'd have pressed until I got an answer so it's not his fault he told you. I don't think the skype call from the mother is a good idea either. It's highlighting up the issue I'd say just let it slide. You don't have to see them very often. He is thick with her though so that's good he's 'on your side'.

With regards church wedding/ baptism etc I'd def get that ironed out before getting married. Even though he may not go to mass he may still want to baptise his children. I don't particularly go to mass but I'd say I will baptise them if I have any I'm not 100% why but it's for me and not my very Catholic MIL to be.

paw patrol

Given it's almost a certainty she is going to miss her son when he marries you and he will be living away forever,
if being called "tall" is her best insult to turn him, then it's a fair chance she thinks you are ok.
Cos if she really didn't like you she'd have a lot worse to say.

uck51js9zml2yt

My wife is eastern european. Shes 6'2. I'm 5'8.

We have her parents with us this week. Its never been an issue....at least I dont think is is as we cant communicate...but I'm sure its not