Lonely single 30

ema87

Hi all

I have another account for boards but posting with this one for now. I don't know why I'm posting really as I know there is no magic solution but I guess I'm just looking to see how others deal with this sort of thing.

My background is that I'm a 30 year old female professional working in Dublin, long hours. I am happy in my job professionally and I appear to be pretty outgoing to others. In the last 6 months or so, I suppose I just feel incredibly lonely to the point that I often shed a few tears when I really get time to think about it.

I had a great social circle until it started to dwindle maybe 2 years ago...a lot of friends have moved abroad and settled down or gotten married etc. Recently, I just find myself so alone at weekends in particular when I get time to think about it. I'm busy during the week generally so I don't have a chance to dwell!

Iv been single for the past 8 years and to be honest part of that is because I closed myself off completely from guys for a couple of years as I was so focused on exams and family stuff that was going on. In the last year, iv tried tinder and bumble etc and have met a few guys on nights out but nothing bar a few one night stand or a date. I don't think I'm coming across as desperate to meet a guy and settle down because I'm quite independent having been alone for so long but of course I'd love to meet a nice guy just to do the normal things that couples do on weekends....it can get a little depressing going for coffee alone just to get out of the house.

Saying that I do still have some great friends but its just that they have other priorities now which is completely understandable. It's hard to find someone to go for drinks with on Saturday night.

I know its a normal phase of live and this is te way things go for everyone. I do gym classes etc and I don't think the girl crew thing is for me so I'm not sure what the answer is!

I think just the fact that I'm so alone in life is getting to me. My family live 4 hours away from Dublin so I go visit maybe one weekend a month but a few things have happened lately where I had nobody nearby to call and it made me realise really how alone I am in this big ol world. I really don't want a pity party as Im so lucky in other aspects of life but imy finding it hard.

I have two weeks annual leave in July and the sad thing is I have nobody to go away with. This year there are no girls or anyone to go with and it's stupid but it is holding me back. There are so many places I'd love to go but I just don't have the confidence to go myself and dont think id enjoy it fully. My holidays often fall at weird times with work so I had 5 days off in February and said screw this and went to the Canaries by myself to get some sun thinking I would just live my life and to be honest I didn't enjoy it. I felt so isolated and just lonely seeing families and couples everywhere and felt like i stuck out like a sore thumb so i was relieved to get home. Its mad because if i qas with someone else id have a ball and be very outgoing. I'd love more than anything to book a trip for July and take off but I'd be afraid the same thing would happen. I'm fully aware that the problem is me here and that plenty people travel alone and have a ball and I commend them!

I'm very sorry for the long ramblings here. I know there is no magic solution but I think I needed to get it off my chest. To the outside world nobody would think i feel like this! Thanks for listening.

Ursus Horribilis

I do gym classes etc and I don't think the girl crew thing is for me so I'm not sure what the answer is!

I've sometimes seen "join a gym" trotted out as a way to make friends. Unless I've been frequenting unsocial ones, I don't understand why they're considered to be a way to make friends. Would I be right in assuming you've not made any new friends from going to gym classes?

Why is girl crew not for you? I've never used it myself but it sounds like as good a way to meet people as any other. Unless I'm missing something? The thing is, you're going to have to step outside of your comfort zone in order to widen your social circle. It's easier said than done of course but what's the alternative? You're already feeling the effects of your friends not having time for you now that their lives have changed.

It'd be great if you get to meet Mr Right but there's no guarantee that you will. It is possible to build a better life for yourself with or without a fella. That means being open to chatting to new people, going to things by yourself and not letting being single hamper you. If you're not comfortable with going on holidays by yourself, would you be OK with going on a short organised break to test the waters? I've single friends who've gone on walking tours in Europe and to places further afield with some of these companies. Small groups which were a mixture of singletons and couples. They had a great time and weren't made to feel odd because they were on their own.

santana75

Op You're actually in a great position and if you take a step back you'll see this. Every sunday morning, like clockwork, the couple next door to me wake up and immediately the bickering and drama begins. They have two kids and I can hear the whole thing through the walls(I wish I couldnt her them tbh). And this is not just them, its a lot of couples. I was out with some friends on paddys day and one of the lads confided in me that when he comes home in the evening after work that he and his fiance dont even speak to each other. He said he wished he was single. My point is, it can look great from the outside, the couples holding hands but the reality can be something else entirely. If you're not happy right now, then you wouldnt be happy in a relationship. Maybe for a month or so it would be grand but then it would wear off and you would then look back at this time now, when you were free, and realise you actually had something worth a lot.
Im not saying relationships are the source of unhappiness, but theyre also not the source of happiness either. You have an opportunity now to go and find your lifes purpose. Thats an amazing thing. Most people dont do this. They hook up, get married, have kids and then when you have children your time is no longer your own and your chances of following your dreams are gone. When you focus on what you dont have, you'll be miserable. Instead focus on your dreams and goals. Everyone has a purpose in life, you have a chance to go do it now. And heres the thing about pursuing your purpose, When you start to chase after it and forget about what you dont have, like a relationship, people will enter your life without you even trying. Its like a magnetizing force that develops around you. And thats the paradox to life, when you no longer need something to happen or someone to be in your life, they enter your life anyway. So dont focus on what you dont have and instead start to think about what it is you are here on this earth to do.

Addle

How did you become successful professionally OP? You put effort in, I bet.
You have to put the same effort into your life outside of work.
Make it your business to have friends who are in similar situations to yourself.

silverharp

santana75 wrote: »

Op You're actually in a great position and if you take a step back you'll see this. Every sunday morning, like clockwork, the couple next door to me wake up and immediately the bickering and drama begins. They have two kids and I can hear the whole thing through the walls(I wish I couldnt her them tbh). And this is not just them, its a lot of couples. I was out with some friends on paddys day and one of the lads confided in me that when he comes home in the evening after work that he and his fiance dont even speak to each other. He said he wished he was single. My point is, it can look great from the outside, the couples holding hands but the reality can be something else entirely. If you're not happy right now, then you wouldnt be happy in a relationship. Maybe for a month or so it would be grand but then it would wear off and you would then look back at this time now, when you were free, and realise you actually had something worth a lot.
Im not saying relationships are the source of unhappiness, but theyre also not the source of happiness either. You have an opportunity now to go and find your lifes purpose. Thats an amazing thing. Most people dont do this. They hook up, get married, have kids and then when you have children your time is no longer your own and your chances of following your dreams are gone. When you focus on what you dont have, you'll be miserable. Instead focus on your dreams and goals. Everyone has a purpose in life, you have a chance to go do it now. And heres the thing about pursuing your purpose, When you start to chase after it and forget about what you dont have, like a relationship, people will enter your life without you even trying. Its like a magnetizing force that develops around you. And thats the paradox to life, when you no longer need something to happen or someone to be in your life, they enter your life anyway. So dont focus on what you dont have and instead start to think about what it is you are here on this earth to do.

im not sure what the point of this type of answer is, randomer pipes in with negative example that in this case hears through a wall of all things. then you go on to give advice which might lead to meeting a partner

zoobizoo

I think most of us who were single at 30 felt then like you do now.

Friends coupled up, having kids and a lack of a decent social circle anymore.

I was in your shoes.

I joined a mixed sports club and my life changed... it was full of other single people, from 25 - 45 give or take a few years and everyone wanting to go away for weekends whether it involved the sport or not.

So every other weekend I was off doing something, sharing houses, sharing lifts, out for pints and dinner and we met up in Dublin where we were based as well.

I've travelled a lot on my own and it can be very lonely - especially if you go to somewhere like you did - I went somewhere like that once and it was very challenging as it's not conducive to meeting people - the people you'd like to meet.


If you have two weeks off, go to a surf camp in Portugal, or a cycling tour in Tuscany, or sailing lessons in Greece - something where you are active during the day with others and then hanging out with others at night where you all eat together. It takes away that effort of having to go out to find somewhere to eat on your own, then maybe to a bar on your own and to bed and to face in to another day of solitude the next day.

Skibunny77

Op, there are plenty of holiday companies that do trips for solo holidaymakers. A single friend of mine has done them and really enjoyed it. Or sign up for an activity based holiday for groups - the Camino or a ski holiday is a great way to meet people. You could test your reservations and girl crew a whirl. I was mostly single for my early 30s and like you a lot of friends had settled down. I was pro active in socialising with a mix of groups so that I found single mates to hang out with! Loneliness is a terrible feeling - I knew that feeling well when my mates started to settle. Actively seek out people on a similar page to yourself.

Rubberchikken

Would you look up singles holidays. Everyones single so no one is the odd one out so to speak. There are activity based ones so youre kept active each day. Its a great way to mix and bond and who knows who you'd meet.

tevey08

santana75 wrote: »

Op You're actually in a great position and if you take a step back you'll see this. Every sunday morning, like clockwork, the couple next door to me wake up and immediately the bickering and drama begins. They have two kids and I can hear the whole thing through the walls(I wish I couldnt her them tbh). And this is not just them, its a lot of couples. I was out with some friends on paddys day and one of the lads confided in me that when he comes home in the evening after work that he and his fiance dont even speak to each other. He said he wished he was single. My point is, it can look great from the outside, the couples holding hands but the reality can be something else entirely. If you're not happy right now, then you wouldnt be happy in a relationship. Maybe for a month or so it would be grand but then it would wear off and you would then look back at this time now, when you were free, and realise you actually had something worth a lot.
Im not saying relationships are the source of unhappiness, but theyre also not the source of happiness either. You have an opportunity now to go and find your lifes purpose. Thats an amazing thing. Most people dont do this. They hook up, get married, have kids and then when you have children your time is no longer your own and your chances of following your dreams are gone. When you focus on what you dont have, you'll be miserable. Instead focus on your dreams and goals. Everyone has a purpose in life, you have a chance to go do it now. And heres the thing about pursuing your purpose, When you start to chase after it and forget about what you dont have, like a relationship, people will enter your life without you even trying. Its like a magnetizing force that develops around you. And thats the paradox to life, when you no longer need something to happen or someone to be in your life, they enter your life anyway. So dont focus on what you dont have and instead start to think about what it is you are here on this earth to do.

I don't know what type of relationships these people have, but seems like awful ones and nothing like 90% of normal good relationships. Complete non sense.

I think myself the pub/club scene is not an option for meeting a new partner. Generally a friend of one of your friends partners might be an option, maybe try attending as many events with them as possible, like weddings, 30th parties, meals or anything with a big gathering. Meeting someone from work could turn nasty and is a risky move.

Not to rub it in or make you feel worse but it does fill that emptiness when you meet the right person, so hopefully it will happen for you as you seem like a really nice good person.

Addle

tevey08 wrote: »

Not to rub it in or make you feel worse but it does fill that emptiness when you meet the right person, so hopefully it will happen for you as you seem like a really nice good person.

Lots of people are single and they don't feel lonely or 'empty'.
That's your own mentality OP and maybe that's something you can work on too.

I've done the solo trips and had great times and met lovely people. It's a great way to see the places I wanted to see that my friends had no time or interest in.
I think a sun holiday is a nightmare and not my idea of fun at all. If you'd like an adventure, check out
https://travelgeekuk.com
https://www.lupinetravel.co.uk
https://www.exodus.co.uk
http://epicireland.com/galway-adventure-day-tours/
http://epicireland.com/vacations/
https://www.traveldepartment.ie/holiday-types/solo-friendly-holidays/

I'm in a relationship now and I still go on solo holidays. I get so much more than r+r out of them. Love every aspect from the research to hanging up a photo after.

PHG

Hi OP,

In a similar situation professionally, socially and age. I get on great with my team in work but they are all older and have families. It can be quite lonely and down some evenings as people not around. I've an injury in my shoulder that stops me doing most sport, so ended up spending a lot of time in the gym instead of joining sports clubs (which seems to be the best option). It's tough to meet people in a gym. Have never seen anyone just start a convo there besides "Are you using that?".

I have started using Meetup and went to one last week. It was fun and maybe something you could try as lots of different groups on it?

messy tessy

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It'd be great if you get to meet Mr Right but there's no guarantee that you will. It is possible to build a better life for yourself with or without a fella

This is excellent advice! Be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy, try to live your best life.

If you look at the positives - you have all this time to do exactly what you want to do. I have only gone abroad on my own once for a city break, and I really enjoyed it. Girl crew (if I'm not mistaken) have a travel group specifically for people looking for travel buddies. I would make a list of things I'd like to do / achieve over the next two years and start working towards it. Like learning a new language, taking up a new hobby, training for a 10k, going on your dream holiday etc. I read something before that said rather than trying to change your entire life, just add additional good things to it, and let this pile of good things grow!

Best of luck

Airyfairy12

The canaries is a very touristy destination which attracts families and couples. Instead of travelling to a resort or somewhere that's a popular destination for holidays like Lanzarote, the canaries or Tenerife go somewhere like Florence, Rome, Nice - somewhere with things to do for single travellers and not everything is built around tourists attractions. Go somewhere with some History and culture. You'll enjoy yourself much more as there'll be tones more to do and you won't stand out.
What hobbies do you have? Why not make an effort to try and create some, not only will this make you a much more interesting person to get to know but you'll learn new skills and it will improve your mental health. Theres groups for every hobby, I know people who do aerobics, people who do pole dancing classes, cookery, drama etc and they built great connections from these classes.

wijam

Hi OP, somewhat similar to yourself, apart from the fact I'm male and in my 40's now not 30's. A lot of my friends are pairing off and marrying, I have a few friends from home living in Dublin who recently got married and then younger friends who I used play footie with until it tailed off are also getting married this year and next, so nights out do dry up. Although I'm back at college part time now, so I have little time anyhow.

For holidays the last 3 years I've travelled solo, 2 Med cruises, from that I'd recommend Norwegian Cruises, they have solo cabins and a solo meet up every night at 6pm in a reserved bar so the solo travellers can get to know people and go to dinner, shows or excursions together. I'd be quite reserved myself so had to put myself out there on that one, but it's one of the best holidays I've had.

I've also did a train trek across 5 cities in Europe last year, part of which was lonely, but again, it's about putting yourself out there, and going on the suggestion of a work colleague, in some of the cities I booked into hostels and that helped me meet people, and other cities I looked at excursions I'd like to do and signed up to them.

And this year I'm taking a week in Spain solo, but hiring a bicycle for a week, as I've got into cycling the last few years, and I'm happy to go out on my own for that and I know the bike shop does a few day spins a week, so I might meet people there.

I think if you find something you enjoy, it makes the holiday, for me this would be cruises and cycling, so look at holidays that have your interests included, or pick something you think might be of interest and give it a shot

Arrival

"nothing bar a few one night stand or a date"

Well there's your problem. Very few lads that have a one night stand want anything to do with them after the act.

About the holidays and traveling alone; go and stay in hostels, the majority of people that stay in them are solo travellers and you will be forced to depend on yourself. There are even hostels specifically for solo travellers. Your trip to the canaries was a bad choice because that's more for families and couples. This can only benefit you and help you learn to be more outgoing and you'll meet interesting people that you'll be able to hang out with and explore new cities with and at night go to events with. It really is a fantastic way to travel because you're under no obligation to do anything you don't genuinely want to do.

ema87

OP here and I just wanted to say a sincere thank you to everyone who replied to me. I genuinely aporeciate it so much.

I'm definitely going to look into going on some sort of a group holiday for my 2 weeks off. The only thing putting me off is that I'd end up with a tour full of OAPs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but nothe exactly what I'm looking for. I'd love to have the confidence to just go myself and book hostels maybe along the way but don't think I'd be able for that yet.

Im also going to try join some new kind of hobby or evening class and see how that goes. I'm not overly sporty so don't want to force myself into a sports club when I have no genuine interest!

Anyway, I will try persevere and do what I can. I was off work yesterday and came back today and just felt a pang of loneliness again in that I wasted my weekend and had nothing to tell people today. I'm probably being paranoid but I actually think people stop asking me if I got up to anything as if they know I didn't!

Thank you all again anyway for the advice..it's been great hearing how people cope with similar situations. I don't know what has caused me to be so upset lately but I really am!

Thanks

zoobizoo

Good for you OP.

I wasn't in anyway sporty before I got hooked on my sporty hobby.

The surf / ski groups are full of people of your age just looking for other people to do stuff with.

I've had those lonely boring weekends and it drove me to find something that I now love doing.

ismiseX

I'm in the exact same boat as you OP. 30 next month and have a week off and nobody to go away with even my parents have their own plans 😂 so I said feck it I'm not going to stay in the house and get depressed am going to Spain with premier yoga holidays. I don't know what it'll be like first time travelling solo but I feel it'll be good for me! I also have been meaning to join galz go hiking (they're on instagram) I hope to get away with them in the next few weeks. The internet is great for meeting like minded people!

mike2084

Hi OP, I'd consider myself in a very similar situation, I'm a male, 33 and I've never been in a relationship. I'm about four hours from home as well myself but my job lets me go home frequently enough which I find a great help. I'm lucky that it's a great job in a lot of senses. Yes I do get lonely from time to time but I have joined a few clubs which really has helped and have even met some girls at it and as people say it doesn't have to be sport it could be anything. I fully understand the term that you can be in a big city and feel totally alone, I expect that happens to lots of people. Best wishes, I hope things work out for you.

Arrival

ema87 wrote: »

OP here and I just wanted to say a sincere thank you to everyone who replied to me. I genuinely aporeciate it so much.

I'm definitely going to look into going on some sort of a group holiday for my 2 weeks off. The only thing putting me off is that I'd end up with a tour full of OAPs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but nothe exactly what I'm looking for. I'd love to have the confidence to just go myself and book hostels maybe along the way but don't think I'd be able for that yet.

Im also going to try join some new kind of hobby or evening class and see how that goes. I'm not overly sporty so don't want to force myself into a sports club when I have no genuine interest!

Anyway, I will try persevere and do what I can. I was off work yesterday and came back today and just felt a pang of loneliness again in that I wasted my weekend and had nothing to tell people today. I'm probably being paranoid but I actually think people stop asking me if I got up to anything as if they know I didn't!

Thank you all again anyway for the advice..it's been great hearing how people cope with similar situations. I don't know what has caused me to be so upset lately but I really am!

Thanks

Go to Krakow or Budapest and stay in one of the party hostels, it's impossible to not meet people and enjoy yourself, they organise events each day such as pub crawls and parties and the majority of guests staying in the hostels are traveling long enough to be really outgoing so they'll make it really easy to get introduced. I could never understand how so many Irish people find this to be such a foreign idea, the world has never been smaller. Americans and Australians traveling Europe would kill to have the easy, cheap access we do to the European continent with Ryanair and so many of us aren't taking advantage of it. I'm doing this exact thing myself in the next few weeks

aqn29swlgbmiu4

Hey I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel.
It can be so disheartening but trust me, it's much more common than you realise!
If u don't mind the flight, head to Vietnam for awhile. Impossible not to meet other travellers, its cheap and easy to get round aswell. I spent a month there, it was the best month of my life!

heretothere

I loved travelling alone but I get that it's not for everyone. I do think your choice of location for your 1st solo holiday might not have been the greatest. Places with loads to see and do are best when you're alone. Also I stayed in hostels so I was never really alone unless I wanted to be.
I also agree with everyone that the organised group holidays could be a great option. My friend has been on a few and raves about them, and no it wasn't full of old people!!

I'm hoping the few fitness classes I am doing will help me make friends. I think my situation is very different though. I have moved to a small rural town (approx 2,000 ppl) so you'll see the same faces everywhere. Say hi to in the supermarket, might bump into them on a night out and get chatting.

I can 100% relate to the shutting people out when studying!! Professional exams are so hard. I honestly don't think I'd have started a relationship if I hadn't already been in one, not only because of the huge work load but the fact I turned into a crazy stress ball in the lead up to the exams. I eat the head off him one day for bringing home mini pizza's instead of dr oetker pizza baguettes!! From what I could see most people who started exams single were single at the end.

kob29

Hi OP,
Good to read your last reply was starting to look more positive.
A guy at my former workplace has been away with g-adventures numerous times and loved it. I know someone else who has used topdeck travel. Come August you'll definitely regret it if you dont use that two weeks for an adventure.

From someone who at 30 and 35 was single and feeling hopeless about it, I cant attest to persistence with online dating with a few tips. Forget hookup type sites for a start. Use a few others at the same time, create a very real profile and state from the start the type that you're not interested in (it'll prob earn you a few irked responses but screw that, it beats wasting time), have realistic looking and interesting profile pics- again they'll filter out the rifraf. Do a couple of weeks messaging before meeting anyone (a little test of mutual stamina and interest), message multiples at a time and dont overthink any of them too fast as the ideal etc, for dates forget drinks do something that lets you represent yourself and your (hopefully) mutual interests well, if they disappear with a magic act forget them overnight (dont persist with texts, messages etc).
While doing all that just do your own thing, sing from your own hymn sheet etc.

NobleBlack

Op......I would say,you re the one holding your self back.

If I may ask you, re you thinking of getting married and settle down or you just want a man that will keep you company on weekends probably as a friend?

For me I would say you start making plans of settling down coz you re not getting any younger at 30.

Am sure you re good looking which will attract guys to you, free your self,pick one of your admires and see how serious he will be with you. Aim for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage and not weekends hangout.

I think is impossible not to see more than 2 guys making advances to you within any environment you find your self.

I pray you receive the man who wants to love you,not just use you.....

messy tessy

NobleBlack wrote: »

I think is impossible not to see more than 2 guys making advances to you within any environment you find your self

I know right?!
Literally can't even go to Aldi without two guys fighting over me!

NobleBlack

You see....so what is then stopping you from accepting one for a serious relationship?

Or you have dislike all of them.

Or they only want just one stand with you.

What is your major problem you have not accented go into a relationship with any of those guys