Had sex with best friend ....

LegacyUser

Going anonymous for this one.

I'm male and had a female best friend for easily 10 years at this point.
We are very close and probably closer than a lot of 'best' friends in that in the best we have shared a room, shared a bed and about two years ago took a bath together (no touching and we didn't see each other naked as she got in first, kept her eyes closed and then I hopped in).

A few weeks ago I go over to hers and we have a few drinks, enough to get both of us pretty drunk and around 4am we head to bed. End up in bed completely naked (apart from her with a tshirt on) and next thing we are having sex and kissing....

We had never kissed before or seen each other naked or even had kind of sexual contact.
I am not entirely sure how the sex started as in was it consensual, was it something she was happy doing? ... it's a bit of a drunken blur.

My concern is that she hasn't spoken to me much since. She said that it shouldn't have happened but she doesn't regret it. I sent a long text explaining what was going on in my head and apologising etc (I texted as it will be a few months before I see her) and she said she would talk to me about it the next day - that was 2 days ago and still heard nothing ...

I'm freaking out at losing my best friend and I know I royally ****ed up. Having sex was something neither of us spoke about and we never ever thought it would happen.

Anyone else been in this situation?

JackTaylorFan

Seriously, you got into bed naked together (bar her wearing a t-shirt) and you're both acting surprised this happened?

I honestly don't see the issue as long as neither of you are cheating on partners - you've done nothing wrong by this account.

She said she doesn't regret it - so try relaxing a little. Give her a bit more time. I would suggest it would be unhealthy of both of you to pretend it never happened though.

wiggle16

Hi OP

Oh God, I have been in this situation the background was much different though. We had been best friends since were teenagers, he knew I was gay from day one, but he only came out to me in our twenties (I had NO CLUE, in hindsight I don't know how, but I think I just assumed he would have told me by then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ since I was the one person in the world he knew he could tell). We got very drunk one night and had sex, a couple of months after he told me he was gay.
We didn't talk for a couple of days, and then when we did we didn't mention it for a couple of weeks. We eventually discussed it briefly and said that it didn't mean anything and we would put it behind us: he said he didn't want things to be awkward and I said it didn't have to be a big deal because it really wasn't a big deal. Without sounding conceited, looking back I realise now that he probably had a thing for me for a long time - I think having sex got that out of his system (or more likely, I was just dreadful in bed and made his "first time" a big disappointment). Apart from an awkward couple of weeks it didn't affect our friendship and we are still as close as ever. What you can take from that is that it doesn't have to be a big deal, at all, but both people have to come to that conclusion.

You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't f*ck up. To be honest, two friends having a bath together is very intimate and I'd be more surprised if yous ended up NOT having sex at some stage after doing something like that. It doesn't sound like it came out of the blue, and it never does... there is often a natural progression from mutual curiosity to attraction and then it happens - and then you realise having sex with your best friend is like riding a block of ice down a hill and you never want to do it ever again.

You need to give her a bit more time, she is almost certainly in the same headspace as you are right now and is trying to figure out how she feels about it: she could be having a hard time getting to grips on why it happened, she could have feelings for you or believe you have feelings for her and doesn't know how to broach that. The most important thing for you to do is to be honest about how you feel and make it clear that you don't want to end your friendship over it; it sounds like you've already done all that, so the ball is in her court.

Personally I don't think she's being fair in ignoring you after this long because there was a pair of yous in it, it was no one's fault, [and I might sound flippant but at the end of the day, it's only sex, FFS.] but I'd give her a bit more time. This doesn't have to be the big deal people turn it into.

I would send her a quick text to the effect that you don't want this to come between yous, it doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't want it to be, and that you're here for when she's ready to talk. After that it's up to her, unfortunately that's all you can do for now.

I really hope she comes around and you remain friends. Best of luck x

suicide_circus

Your friendship got weird when you took a bath together and probably long before that. And then you get drunk and decided to get into a bed naked together. Generally getting naked with friends outside a sporting or skinny dipping context is a no no outside the naturist community. You're either extremely naive or you secretly wanted this to happen. She says she dosnt regret it and is now not replying because you seem so traumatised by something you both should have seen coming a mile away.

Pelvis

OP I think you both need to get your head out of sand on this one.

TheBoyConor

What did ye do regarding contraception? Like if this just happened randomly I assume there was no condoms or anything?
Has she gone and got emergency contraception afterwards?

You need to check this out because you don't want to end up with your best friend pregnant! That would add a whole new layer of complication!

duffman13

She doesn't regret it? Did you consider she may have wanted it and your apologies might what's making her uncomfortable. Tbh your friendship was intimate before the sex, if there is more there then don't be afraid to explore it. If you've no interest then you'll just have to play the waiting game with her

woodchuck

Sounds like this was a long time coming to be honest. Taking a bath together?! I'm sure most people would agree that that's not normal for two people who are supposedly just friends!

Have you considered that instead of losing a friend, this could actually be the start of something more?

Roadtoad

Do it again, sober. Keep doing it if it's good. Marry her. You would have something many married people wish for, to have your bestie as spouse.

Roadtoad

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pc7

As above did you guys use protection? Could she want a 'baby' without a relationship? You can move on from this, just give her time, but as others mentioned you've been pretty intimate before this.

seamus

Coming at it from another point of view - rather than giving her time to process it, she may be giving you time to process it.

She has already said that she doesn't regret it, but it shouldn't have happened, i.e. "We're not going to make this an arrangement". Which should be the end of it.

But when you send a long explanatory text containing apologies, what that tells her is that you're freaking out and you're having difficulty moving past it.

So far from "give her time to process what happened", maybe that's exactly what she's doing for you, and she's barely given a second thought since it happened. She might be worried that you're too involved, that you're getting emotional, and if she was to bring it up too soon then you might do something silly like declare your undying love and kill the friendship.

My suggestion is to drop it, for now. Revert back to normal communication, in effect pretend it didn't happen. The next time you actually get a chance to talk to her, either face-to-face or on the phone, then you can put it to bed (no pun intended).

Katgurl

There are some important details missing from your point -

You texted her how you feel; how do you feel? Do you fancy her? Would you like to be involved with her.

You're mainly speculating on what is going on with her but what is your perspective?

leggo

A good, longtime friend of mine and I got into a situation where we’d kiss on nights out when drunk sometimes, casually. We lived in different counties so I never pushed the issue, out of both awkwardness and it just seemed the best way to go. Then she ended up with a guy she really liked and I found myself getting jealous for the first time ever (we’d both been with or seeing people throughout the course of this and just reverted back to friendship mode), so when that finished I pushed the issue. It got immediately weird and didn’t go well, which left me feeling kinda used and hurt by someone I’d also have considered to have had my back and not done that to me. We’ve seen each other since and could text no hassle now and we’re all good, but I feel like a lot of the shine was taken off the friendship through that whole ordeal. So we’d still be friends but not as close, which is sad and I hope it can go back one day.

My advice, with hindsight, is to confront your feelings and deal with it now while you can, even if it means facing rejection. Ultimately if you let it drag on, as well as getting messy as feelings develop, there’s the propensity for feelings to get hurt too and real damage to be done. If you decide you’d like to explore it, even if it comes back a hard no, at least now it’s natural to do so and will likely lead to a weird few weeks but the friendship staying in place in the long run.

Big Bag of Chips

Why did you have a bath together? What was the context of it? I can not imagine a situation where, as an adult, I would end up having a bath with my best friend. And this thing of getting naked, and her closing her eyes?? Why? It all seems like a lot of effort to go to, for what end? How big was the bath that you could both be in it and not touching. It must have been either a very large bath, or very uncomfortable for both of you which again begs the question... Why do it in the first place? I have shared a bed with my best friend, but I've never been naked in it.

For two best friends with no romantic interest in each other you seem to end up in more than a reasonable amount of intimate naked situations together.

Maybe it's time to stop pretending that you are devastated that you've risked ruining your friendship and, like her, admit that you don't regret it and maybe see what happens next. If you really just want to be platonic friends, then stop getting naked together in baths, and bed!

That's not really what best friends generally do.

Hannibal_Smith

Why did you apologise? Why are you the one in the wrong? You didn't mess up, two consenting adults have sex. It sounds like it was a ticking time bomb. But I don't see how you are to blame?

heretothere

Do you want to have a relationship? If ye are best friends and clearly must find each other attractive why not give it a go?

Sheog

I'm not going to comment on sharing a bath and getting into bed naked with your best friend (!), as that has already been covered a few times.

I will say though, that I had a very close male friend who I met in college. In my view we were totally platonic and used to hang out a lot in our mid to late 20s. One very heavy night out drinking with a few friends, we were on the dance floor (as we often would be) and he kissed me. When we stopped kissing he told me that he was in love with me and had wanted to tell me that for years.

I was totally taken by surprised and devastated in equal measures. I had never thought of him romantically, he was always like a brother to me... anyway sure the night ended with me in floods of tears and him looking so hurt. (All the drama brought on by too much drink!)

We spoke about it the next day, which was extremely awkward. He insisted he had no memory of the night, and we should just forget anything ever happened. Our friendship was never the same after that though, and we only meet once or twice a year now : (

I hope you and your BFF sort things out Op!