Arguing with girlfriend over her dog

H8GHOTI

I’m with my girlfriend 4 months, both in our mid 30s. Things are good but one problem. Something I don’t think should be a problem. She has a dog. I’m not crazy about dogs but it’s more her behaviour & attitude that are a problem. She doesn’t understand why I don’t love the dog & trys to force him on me. “Rub him, give him a kiss, take him for a walk....”

The dog is allowed on the furniture, sleeps in the bed with her. Not a fan of this but when I stay over I don’t complain. It wouldn’t be right to expect her to change what she does every other night, so I’m ok with it.

Everywhere we go she wants to bring the dog with us. We went away for a night & she wanted to sneak him into the hotel. Has done it before. She was planning on going around shops the next day with him in her bag. We were going for lunch another time & she wanted to leave him in my car for 2 hours unattended. She would bring him into the restaurant if she could get away with it. She did bring him into Starbucks once & someone working there had to point out the obvious “sorry no dogs allowed“.

Every time I’m the bad guy because the dog can’t come. She thinks I say no because I hate her dog, which I don’t, when really it’s an unreasonable request on her part to bring him. Couple of times she has admitted she was wrong & leaving him at home was the right decision but will still ask again the next time.

My girlfriend works weekends & wants me to spend time with the dog when she’s out. She went on holidays last week & is annoyed that I wouldn’t mind him. I leave the house every morning at 7.30 & get home at 5. Would be out a few evenings as well after dinner. I think leaving a dog alone for all that time is wrong. She wasn’t stuck for someone to mind him, she’s just annoyed with me because I didn’t want to.

Every week we go for a spin somewhere & bring the dog for a walk. I play with him etc... I think I’m being reasonable, trying to compromise but she says I should make more of an effort.
We should be able to discuss this but she’s argumentative and irrational, especially when it comes to the dog.

Breaking up is an option of course but would like to resolve this. Any thoughts, similar experiences...?

Emme

<snipped deleted post - mod>

She seems obsessed with her dog but isn't necessarily a responsible dog owner. I don't agree with leaving a dog unattended in a car for 2 hours even if the window is open a crack for air and it has water.

She would probably get on best with another pet owner, preferably somebody who has at least one dog. If you're not crazy about dogs you would be better to let her go and find somebody who is and better still he might show her how to be a responsible dog owner.

SAMTALK

This is a bit much in fairness .
To have a dog, and to love/mind a dog is one thing but she is taking this just a bit too far

To expect you to carry on like she does is a bit unfair IMO. At least you can see the sense in not minding the dog because you're not around.
Some people like dogs and some people treat them like babies. These are 2 completely different things .

I have 3 dogs and whilst I love them to bits I realise they are dogs and not "my babies" and don't expect other people to fawn over them

You need to talk to her and explain that whilst you dont have a problem with her dog per se there really should be boundaries.
Ridiculous taking dog into hotels/restaurants/coffee shops, not to mention thinking of putting him in her bag to go shopping !!, and don't get me started on wanting to leave him in the car!

georgina toadbum

I think you're just not suitable. She's probably better off with another dog lover like herself. You aren't going to change her.

blairbear

I am a dog lover and your account of her behaviour gave me a pain in my face.

The dog seems to be just a symptom of immaturity. I don't know anybody who is obsessed with their pet to this extent, but at the same time, quite irresponsible.

Does she have a job? What does she do when she needs to go to work? Does the dog go out drinking with her? I might sound facetious but her behaviour is not that of an emotionally mature adult woman.

You were dead right not to look after the dog for the week; dogs need company and affectionate, not 10 to 12 hours alone per day.

Is she mature/sensible in other ways? She sounds like Paris Hilton with her chihuahua back in the early noughties.

H8GHOTI

Emme wrote: »

She seems obsessed with her dog but isn't necessarily a responsible dog owner. I don't agree with leaving a dog unattended in a car for 2 hours even if the window is open a crack for air and it has water.

She would probably get on best with another pet owner, preferably somebody who has at least one dog. If you're not crazy about dogs you would be better to let her go and find somebody who is and better still he might show her how to be a responsible dog owner.

In the examples I gave about the car & her wanting to leave the dog alone in my place for 9 hours a day, I was acting like a responsible dog owner would. I tried explaining this to her & make her understand how wrong it was. Should the fact that I’m not a dog owner make a difference, if I was right?

You think pet owners should only be in relationships with other pet owners? We get on well otherwise, enjoy each other’s company, have similar interests, have fun together. Couples don’t have to have everything in common. I don’t think me not being a dog lover should be a problem if her expectations were reasonable. It’s not like I’m cruel to the dog. I leave him sit on my lap watching tv, don’t complain about having him sleep in the bed with us & go for walks with them etc..

Mystery Egg

You've said she's argumentative and irrational when it comes to her dog. I'm not sure what you can do. Presumably you've tried talking with her.

Either she changes, or you capitulate in full, or you argue non stop...or you break up. Those are your options. Which is most likely?

Emme

H8GHOTI wrote: »

In the examples I gave about the car & her wanting to leave the dog alone in my place for 9 hours a day, I was acting like a responsible dog owner would. I tried explaining this to her & make her understand how wrong it was. Should the fact that I’m not a dog owner make a difference, if I was right?

You think pet owners should only be in relationships with other pet owners? We get on well otherwise, enjoy each other’s company, have similar interests, have fun together. Couples don’t have to have everything in common. I don’t think me not being a dog lover should be a problem if her expectations were reasonable. It’s not like I’m cruel to the dog. I leave him sit on my lap watching tv, don’t complain about having him sleep in the bed with us & go for walks with them etc..

You said that you weren't crazy about dogs in your first post. This is why I thought she might be better with a dog owner. Yes you were behaving like a responsible dog owner.

The dog is part of her life and if you are willing to accept that then it's up to you to decide what to do. It is unreasonable to want to sneak the dog into hotels etc. You will have to address that with her.

H8GHOTI

SAMTALK wrote: »

This is a bit much in fairness .
To have a dog, and to love/mind a dog is one thing but she is taking this just a bit too far

To expect you to carry on like she does is a bit unfair IMO. At least you can see the sense in not minding the dog because you're not around.
Some people like dogs and some people treat them like babies. These are 2 completely different things .

I have 3 dogs and whilst I love them to bits I realise they are dogs and not "my babies" and don't expect other people to fawn over them

You need to talk to her and explain that whilst you dont have a problem with her dog per se there really should be boundaries.
Ridiculous taking dog into hotels/restaurants/coffee shops, not to mention thinking of putting him in her bag to go shopping !!, and don't get me started on wanting to leave him in the car!

She does call him "my baby".
With going into hotels/shops/etc she has this attitude of entitlement. Ah he's only small, he's quiet, he's not doing any harm. She's not Irish & apparently in other parts of Europe it's ok to bring dogs into places like that.

Thanks. Good to get a dog owners perspective.

Bunny Colvin

georgina toadbum wrote: »

I think you're just not suitable. She's probably better off with another dog lover like herself. You aren't going to change her.

I think she's beyond just being a dog lover tbh. She's treating it like a child.

Dial Hard

Bunny Colvin wrote:

I think she's beyond just being a dog lover tbh. She's treating it like a child.

I treat my dog like my child and even I was scratching my head at her behaviour. It's downright bizarre.

Sadly, OP, I think you're on a hiding to nothing here, because I can't see her magically morphing into a normal dog owner from this level of obsession with him. I'd find that kind of behaviour very draining to be around and I'm a dog person.

H8GHOTI

blairbear wrote: »

I am a dog lover and your account of her behaviour gave me a pain in my face.

The dog seems to be just a symptom of immaturity. I don't know anybody who is obsessed with their pet to this extent, but at the same time, quite irresponsible.

Does she have a job? What does she do when she needs to go to work? Does the dog go out drinking with her? I might sound facetious but her behaviour is not that of an emotionally mature adult woman.

You were dead right not to look after the dog for the week; dogs need company and affectionate, not 10 to 12 hours alone per day.

Is she mature/sensible in other ways? She sounds like Paris Hilton with her chihuahua back in the early noughties.

You don't sound facetious.
She works part time at home Mon-Fri, so is with him all day. She works in a shop at weekends, so dog is home alone for between 6 & 9 hours depending on the shift.
She doesn't bring him out drinking with her. She is fairly sensible otherwise.

frankythefish

Get a pet snake. On sale in animal Kingdom store in Dundrum at moment. 14 day cooling off period available on said snake. Bring him everywhere with you. See how she feels with the shoe on the other foot. This snake is the answer ðŸ

H8GHOTI

Mystery Egg wrote: »

You've said she's argumentative and irrational when it comes to her dog. I'm not sure what you can do. Presumably you've tried talking with her.

Either she changes, or you capitulate in full, or you argue non stop...or you break up. Those are your options. Which is most likely?

Not sure she'll change, doubtful but the most favourable option.
I'm not going to just give in & agree with her for an easy life if she's clearly wrong. I would change my behaviour/attitude if I was wrong.
I'm sick of arguing, so that's not an option.
Breaking up looks most likely at the moment.

H8GHOTI

Thanks everyone for the replies so far.

justfillmein

fair enough that she loves her dog and wants you to love it too,
but getting stroppy over you not willing to babysit her pet after only 4months of dating, that's a lil OTT

MissShihTzu

I love my little dog to bits. We have no kids, so our dog is our baby. There is nothing I would not do for him.

BUT. I wouldn't force him on someone who is not comfortable around animals. Neither would I carry him around like a baby. He's too heavy for a start! At the end of the day, he's a dog and loves to do doggy things like long walks, runs on the beach, roll in muck, play with other dogs. He also loves doggy company, so we pay for him to go to doggy day care, so that he's happy and relaxed, and we don't worry about him whilst we're working. Would that work as a compromise, so that the two of you can go out together for the day and not worry about the dog?

What about finding someone to board the dog? Not kennels, as that wouldn't be great for a dog accustomed to lots of human company, but ask around to find someone suitable?

By not letting the dog socialise with other dogs your girlfriend is storing up trouble for herself as well as the dog.

Hope you work something out!

orthsquel

Have you made suggestions and explained why you can't mind the dog (such as it's not right to leave a dog alone for 9 hours, or left in a car unattended for a few hours, as behaviour considered not pet-friendly generally)?

From a pet perspective, she might have a skewed understanding of what pet ownership and responsibility is, which she has very blurred boundaries of and where dogs should and shouldn't be and accepting that a dog cannot stay overnight in a hotel etc. Her behaviour is a little bit on the side of treating it like an accessory rather than a pet she loves.

From your perspective she's not accepting you saying no and has no respect of your response and no respect of boundaries in insisting you spend time with the dog and play with it. That would be a bit of a red flag. Is she like that with other things in general? I wonder would she be seeing the rejection of spending time with her dog as being a rejection of her?

zapper55

I absolutely adore dogs. And i think her behaviour is completely irrational.

H8GHOTI

orthsquel wrote: »

Have you made suggestions and explained why you can't mind the dog (such as it's not right to leave a dog alone for 9 hours, or left in a car unattended for a few hours, as behaviour considered not pet-friendly generally)?

Yes I have. About me minding him her response was "but he knows you & has been in your place". Ignores that I'm out all day.
About being alone in the car "So what? I've done it before, he'll be fine".

She does love him, so not sure how she thinks this is ok. But she's convinced that when I say no it's because I don't like him & I'm only thinking of myself.

orthsquel wrote: »

From a pet perspective, she might have a skewed understanding of what pet ownership and responsibility is, which she has very blurred boundaries of and where dogs should and shouldn't be and accepting that a dog cannot stay overnight in a hotel etc. Her behaviour is a little bit on the side of treating it like an accessory rather than a pet she loves.

From your perspective she's not accepting you saying no and has no respect of your response and no respect of boundaries in insisting you spend time with the dog and play with it. That would be a bit of a red flag. Is she like that with other things in general? I wonder would she be seeing the rejection of spending time with her dog as being a rejection of her?

Hit the nail on the head.
I was thinking the same thing & she has said if you don't love my dog then you don't love me.

She's ok otherwise.

wiggle16

Jaysus.

I tried hard not to sound harsh while writing this, but I don't think I can. Honestly, it sounds more like you are in a relationship with both the dog and the owner. I love my dog to bits, but I would not get to the point of forgetting that she is a dog.

Maybe she is lovely in most other respects, but this behaviour is very selfish and inconsiderate of both you and other people. She's not a fool, she knows full well that virtually all shops, cafés, businesses etc do not allow animals inside for various, and obvious, reasons, and that this is the norm throughout most of the Western world - I'm sorry, the fact that she has brought the dog into Starbucks and had to be asked to leave shows that she doesn't care. She wanted to sneak the dog into a hotel, meaning she was willing to risk both of you being kicked out of the hotel just to have the dog with her. It's very, very selfish.

The other side of it is that this behaviour would be understandable if she really was treating the dog like her baby - but you wouldn't leave a baby in a car unattended for two hours [I actually think doing that to a dog is disgusting], nor would you leave your baby in the care of someone who you know is going have to leave it on it's own all day. You are completely right that leaving a dog on it's own for that long is not fair, especially if it is not used to it. That she was willing for the dog to be alone all day just to satisfy her desire to have you mind it is just capricious. It makes me agree with the poster above that the dog sounds more like an accessory to her than a living thing with needs and feelings. I could be wrong about that, but being unwilling to go anywhere without pooch in tow while being happy to leave it fretting in a car for hours just doesn't make sense to me.

I adore my dog but it would not bother me in the slightest if I had a partner who wasn't bothered with her, short of pretending she didn't exist. You are being more than considerate in what you have compromised on already, never mind what you are putting up with. And you're not even living with her yet.

Without being OTT about it, there is a serious lack of respect involved here. You have already made it clear to her what your attitude is towards the dog and it's a completely reasonable one and one you have already compromised on for her sake. But instead of respecting that, she wants you to change and keeps pushing the dog on you. That's not right.

To be honest OP, unless she is willing to sit down with you and agree boundaries about the dog, or unless you are willing to accept this behaviour as the status quo in the relationship, I don't really know if this is salvageable. She doesn't sound like she would be capable of changing this behaviour, let alone willing, because she doesn't see it as a problem. She's not even willing to discuss it without becoming argumentative and irrational - so she is not going to change or compromise, because she doesn't want to.

If you can work it out, great, but the work that needs doing is on her end, and if she won't even discuss it with you then it won't change. Myself, I don't think I'd want to be with someone who would treat me the way you're being treated in the first place. All the same, best of luck OP x

retro:electro

Okay I thought I was a crazy dog owner but she takes the dog biscuit. That sounds overbearing and annoying. Bringing the dog into the hotel room?? Eh..
If she’s so concerned about him being alone all day she should have factored that in before she got him. It sounds like a totally unhealthy relationship- both yours and hers and hers and her dogs.

Yellow pack crisps

Dump her and take the dog! He probably needs a break too.

Maybe she thinks if you don’t accept the dog you don’t accept her. It’s skewed logic. Anyway you have been as accommodating as one can be. I don’t see how either of you can come to a long term solution here.

Neyite

Mod:

I've deleted a rake of posts for making baseless generalisations towards women, and for making off topic jokes (and some who responded to those posts).

This is an advice forum. People post here when they are concerned or upset about something that's pretty important in their life. To take the piss or post up memes is distasteful.

Give genuine helpful advice please.

qwerty13

She sounds completely immature, and a lot ‘my way or the high way, and I don’t care about the consequences’.

Are you sure this attitude hasn’t ever spilled over into other aspects of your life with her?

I’m not sure you can have an adult relationship with this woman. I know I couldn’t.

H8GHOTI

Haven’t had time to reply but have been reading your posts. Appreciate the feedback.

It’s obvious I think she’s being unreasonable. But as a male non dog owner it’s difficult for me to see it from her side, so wanted to get opinions from others who maybe could relate. Having said that, I’m not surprised to see most people’s thoughts on it match my own.

Just to pick up on a point made by a couple of you about her treatment of the dog. Besides the examples I gave she does treat him very well. Shows him loads of affection, walks him all the time & he seems a happy dog. It is difficult to line that up with the fact she was willing to leave him alone in my place in an effort to make me bond with the dog. As wiggle16 said it’s capricious. New word for me!

Ave Sodalis

Like others here, I love dogs. I work with dogs and animals. I am dedicating my life to making them feel better. My own dog is my best friend and for a long time, he was my only friend. I don't think I would be alive (definitely not sane) without him. I value him over most people on this planet. When he dies, it'll be like any family member dying and I will be devestated.

HOWEVER, he is a dog. He is treated like a dog. He is expected to act like a dog. He is not a baby or a child. Dogs don't cope well with being treated like children. He is not brought places he isn't allowed, he is not brought anywhere he wouldn't be able to cope with.

To be honest OP, your girlfriend sounds like she has bigger problems and is using the dog as a way of manifesting those issues. I wouldn't be able to stand it. I think this is something she needs to learn to recognise and come to terms with. At four months, I think it's far too early for it to be your responsibility and if it was me personally, I wouldn't stick with her. You know the relationship though so it's your decision, but speaking as a dog lover, I would run.

tara73

This dog is her baby. And with baby it isn't in a figuratively sense here with her, it's literally, it's her baby, like a human being baby.

and because of that she wants you to commit to this dog like she would want you to commit to a real child if she would have one. it's crazy, but that's it in a nutshell I would say.

so you have to decide whether you want to play this crazy part.

The only other possibility to try and solve this I see is in talking to her about this issue, but very directly. As written here, you see that she wants you to treat or see the dog as her child/ a human being and that this is not on for you. Did you address it this directly?
If she's not beginning to think about her behaviour when addressed this directly and not beginning to question it I think you have your answer: She values this dog above you and the relationship with you and that would be a no go for me.
Playing second fiddle to a dog, ffs.