Should I take a chance on telling her how I feel?

TakeAChance?

Hello,

Regular poster on the forums here but I want to go un-reg for this. I know my dilemma is a hell of a lot tamer than some of the issues that people are facing but nonetheless I would love to receive some of the excellent advice or suggestions that I read here on a daily basis if you could be so kind.

Okay, so I'm a male and was recently dating a girl for a little over a month. Things had been going as well as I could have hoped. We hit it off immediately, time spent together was really fun and while it was very early days, we were enjoying getting to know each other and all that goes with that. It was something I saw progressing and potential in, and I was getting more and more hopeful after every date that it was heading that way. Out of the blue (based on what she had been saying and doing in the lead up to this particular moment) a couple of weeks ago, she said that while she loved spending time with me and enjoyed the time we had spent together thus far, she wasn't completely sure if she was ready for something to get serious and rather than risk hurting me more down the line, she felt that we should stop seeing each other before things got that way. For context, she is a single mother to a young daughter (5) and cited that her last relationship ended very messily and had a big impact on her and her child, which was another reason for her reluctance in progressing any further. She did say she would love to stay in contact, that I'm a great guy and so on. Standard ending things (if you can call it that) talk I thought, but....

While pretty devastated, I of course respected her decision and honesty and we left things on good terms while I also made it pretty clear that I was leaving the door open in the future if anything changes on her end. I had wanted to get back in contact (on an almost hourly basis FFS!) throughout the last couple of weeks, but had fought off the urge until yesterday when I cracked after seeing her on the street and popped her across a text about an hour later to see how she had been. Upon reply, said she it was great to hear from me and that she had wanted to get in contact with me too, but that she didn't really know what to say as she didn't want to potentially risk upsetting me after we had let things lie. We exchanged a number of messages and even though she was going out with friends that night, the conversation continued throughout and still does as I type this.

I guess my dilemma is where to go from here before the conversation perhaps fizzles out and/or I don't get a chance to say what I want to say? At the risk of perhaps coming across as a bit of a madman or a pest, what I want to do is send her a message telling her exactly how I feel and seeing if she'd be open to another date while playing things by ear, now that the dust has settled. The way I see this approach is that she'll have had a bit of time to re-think by now and I'll either get the answer I'm hoping for or at worst definitive closure and can start to move on, which as sad and all as it is I admit I haven't been able to do thus far. What do you think? If it makes any difference (probably not), I do know that at some stage over the last few days her friends have sat her down and told her she is idiotic (their words, not mine) for not at least giving it a chance to see where it goes.

I'd love to hear what you guys would do in this situation or any other approaches you would take to this?

Thanks.

downwesht

Hi,
you could ask her straight out if her views on a relationship were the same or would she consider taking it slowly with you......tell her how you feel and be prepared for her answer be it positive or negative.Life is too short for pussyfooting around!

zapper55

Honestly, I think if she was that into you she wouldn't have broken up with you. By all means send her a text if you want but you barely know this girl, a month is nothing. It sounds to me like you've built her up on a pedestal.

She doesn't even seem overly sorry that she ended it and I wonder is she polite saying that she was thinking about you (yet did nothing about it). Also she said she didn't want to hurt you? It seems very intense a month in.

wiggle16

Hi OP

Usually my thoughts on this kind of situation would almost always be "leave it, you got your answer the first time around".

Firstly, although it's a lovely compliment, forget what you've heard her friends have been telling her, it's for her consideration alone and doesn't give you any information about what she thinks, only what her friends think. She already told you how she felt at the time.

I don't doubt you had every intention of respecting her decision, but the trouble is ultimately that you are the one who re-instigated contact between the two of you. It's very hard to tell if she is texting you back out of politeness/decency or if she is actually interested in you. Unfortunately it is usually the former.
I'm not sure of the time frame here, but if I understand you correctly, she ended things with you about two weeks ago - if so, that's very little time for her to reflect and change her mind, and since you re-initiated contact, you opened up the possibility in your own mind that she could still be interested in you once she texted back.

All that said, you are currently in touch with her and you really don't have anything to lose - you are not going to be friends, because you are not interested in being friends with her, you are interested in her. So:

By all means ask her if she would like to meet up again, but don't pour your heart out to her and tell her how you feel - you were only seeing her for a month, which is no time at all. I know when you like someone it doesn't seem that way, but clearly she did not feel as strongly about you as you do about her, so don't pour your heart out to her. Just ask her if she would be interested in meeting up again.

OP in all likelihood she is expecting you to ask her out again and will say no, but I think you get that and at least you will have a definitive answer. And if she does say yes, then

Best of luck OP! **roots for you**

loalae

You've already told her that the door is open if she wants anything more from you. I'm sorry OP but I think she was being polite and friendly. Say something to her if you wish but if I was the girl in that situation I would probably feel awkward that I had to tell you again how it's over.

Incredibles II

She broke up with you, if she was really that into you the excuses wouldn't matter, she'd stay with you.

Do you really want to be with someone who is kind of into you?

Tell her that you won't be contacting her as you want to make a clean break and would apprrrciate it if she didn't contact you. If she does decide she wants a relationship in future then you could meet up to discuss it, but other than that it's best to go your separate ways

Yellow pack crisps

She knows how you feel. Let her make the first move. If she doesn’t then that’s your answer. Also don’t get into texting all the time. I’m not saying it’s the case but she could be just using you for male company via text until someone else comes along. If a person likes a person they stick with it and sees where it goes. The reasons she gave were bull**** enough.

justfillmein

it does sound like she was trying to let you down gently by saying she wasn't ready for a relationship, but that 'you are a great guy'.

as others have said, she might be texting you now just to be polite.

I suppose if you can't figure out if she is being polite, or if she is actually into you, then maybe you have no choice but to ask her straight out if she would be willing to give it another chance..

if she seems to be still unsure, then you know she's not into it, and just doesn't want to say it.

however, her last relationship genuinely might be why she was holding back.
it might even be something that will make her definitely not want to get into a relationship again.

but she has had a few weeks to think, so she should know now if you are worth taking a chance with.
it's up to you whether you want to put yourself out there and ask her.

anewme

I think the opposite to others here.

It sounds to me that she also has regrets that she let you go but did not know how to handle it.

I think you've got nothing to lose by being straight with her and asking if she wants to give it another gi, once you are open to accept that you may get the answer you don't want.

There comes a point after which a window closes and sometimes we need to seize the window of opportunity rather that get passed that point and it does not matter anymore but you are still asking what if questions years later about the one who got away.

TakeAChance?

Hello,

OP here.

Firstly many, many thanks for all the replies. There was a clear consensus in the end but it was very helpful and interesting to read all posts and opinions. After you all taking the time to post and help me out, it's only fair that I return with an update.

I bit the bullet today and took a shot. I didn't pour my heart out but asked if she would like to get together for another date. She said that she has thought about me every day and what she is potentially giving up, but that she just isn't ready for anything serious at the moment and she has too much respect for me than to just string me along for an indefinite period of time in the hope of someday being ready to push things on. Deep down I knew that this was by far the most likely outcome, but at least now I have my definitive answer (I know some will say I already got it a couple of weeks ago......) and won't be constantly thinking "should I...?". I know I have now tried as much as I can.

Even though it was only a very short time, I am admittedly very disappointed. We've all been around the block enough to know that things always get easier in time and even though I probably shouldn't feel this way after this short period, this one has hit me more than it perhaps should. We live in the same-ish area and will see each other in passing regularly which makes things a little more difficult in terms of pushing on, but I know from experience I'll get there soon.

Thanks again.

justfillmein

sorry to hear that.
it was worth a shot op. fair play to you for asking her again.
at least now you know where you stand and can move on.

I always like when people come back too with a little update so thanks for that.
good luck with everything in the future:)

LolaJJ

Just realised the OP had already responded...whoops!

Hey OP,

My initial thought is that you seem fairly vulnerable in this situation. You've laid your cards on the table and she opted not to pursue it.

When you reinitiated contact with her she said she wnated to get in touch but didn't know what to say.

To break this down....if she had felt as though she had made a mistake letting you go - She would have gotten in touch to tell you this.

But, to me, it sounds like she missed the good-times with you, your company but knew that her reinitiating the contact would place some kind of obligation back on her to get involved in a relationship.

Right now, she has said her bit so you are on the back foot and she can withdraw whenever she likes.

Mind yourself. My advice is to tell her that you potentially want a relationship and she made a mark on you, yet you respect her need for space and emotional security for both her and her daughter. You can't guarantee things will work out, but you can guarantee you will do your best to be a good person in her life if she lets you. But some kind of in-between going somewhere one-day and not the next is not the type of situation you want.

She doesn't sound like a bad person, I'm sure she's lovely and equally trying to do the right thing but she could unintentionally hurt you quite a bit if you're not careful x

TheBoyConor

OP you are overthinking this.

Look, at the end of the day if she was keen and wanted you she wouldn't have called it.

Pursuing and pleading with someone to be with you is not only totally loserish but its also disrespectful to the other person because you are trying to influence them and change their mind - they have every right to pick and choose and decide not to be with someone.

And anyway, why would you want to be with someone that was only lukewarm about you?

justfillmein

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Pursuing and pleading with someone to be with you is not only totally loserish but its also disrespectful to the other person because you are trying to influence them and change their mind - they have every right to pick and choose and decide not to be with someone.

in fairness to the op, the girl said she WAS interested, so she gave him a reason to want to try again.
after she was given some space, she said she had been thinking about him too!
of course he thought she was maybe interested in picking things up again.
I definitely don't think he acted like a loser here. she wasn't fully clear about not wanting a relationship with him, and she gave him mixed signals.
I still think he done the right thing by asking one last time

anewme

Don't think it was totally loserish at all either.

OP had nothing to lose by following up after being told she was thinking about him every day. No drama, just a straight question.

OP behaved like an adult in the situation, there will be no more cudda, woulda, shoulda in the years to come.

In six months time, it wont even matter, OP is better off having closed it off than wondering what if?

OP sounds lovely by the way, straight up, no bull, am sure will be snapped up.

TakeAChance?

Hello guys,

OP here again.

I have been following the last few posts so thought it would be worth popping back in. Thanks for the additional comments, as always an interesting and thought-provoking read regardless of which side they sway.

Upon reflection, I'm still happy I took the shot and asked. If I hadn't, I'm almost certain we'd still be conversing back and forth right now and I would still be thinking "should I?" and/or "will she?". The aforementioned things that were said in the conversations after re-initiating contact meant I did feel there were hints being given and I know some people (both male and female) just won't make the first move for whatever reason, so I figured I could either keep wondering or simply bite the bullet myself and get my definitive answer one way or another.

I don't feel I pleaded or was disrespectful. Now if I continued to pursue it from here on I agree it would be exactly that, but that won't happen. I’ve got my answer (albeit unfortunately not the one I admittedly wanted) and will respect that.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

OP back here. I've forgotten the log in details I used for this account originally so posting via the now seemingly fully working anonymous feature instead.

I’m back with a further update. Unfortunately not a happy ending or anything of the sort, quite the opposite in fact, but a bit has happened in the 6 weeks since. Not sure quite what I’m expecting by writing it out as I know the magic formula by now, but I guess it helps somewhat to put it down on “paper” and get some comments from others.

Right, where to start and make it as short as possible. So basically following on from where we left off after asking if she wanted to get together again and her saying no, I respected that and had left things as I said I would. I was attending an event the next week which she knew about beforehand and was also attending (all planned long in advance so no ulterior motives on either side), and I got an unexpected message from her the morning of same asking if I would like to meet up and go together. I couldn’t as I had already made plans with friends in the interim, but was very happy that she asked. We caught up at the event and subsequently kept in contact from that day up until the tipping point a couple of weeks ago.

From that point on we met up a number of times in the proceeding weeks, much of it initiated by her. It would be too much of a drag for anyone to read the ins and outs, but I of course was delighted and thought that (and was very much given the impression) things were going somewhere again. However, it all came to a head a couple of weeks ago. To cut a long story short(er), during one of our dates she told me that it felt so right being with me. She said the issues around her lack of commitment were something she’s needed to work through herself, but that she was doing that and was happy being with me so not to worry about anything. All was great for a couple of weeks further until out of the blue when I suggested a meet up she started with the “I’m not sure I’m ready for anything serious” stuff again.

In the nicest possible terms I told her to forget about it, that I just couldn’t take the constant head-wrecking and messing around anymore. I wished her well for the future, removed her from my social media mediums and to be fair had been getting on pretty well with things (especially considering we still see each other quite often so every second or third day you’re nearly back at square one), until tonight.

I was told by a reliable and trustworthy person that she had been seeing someone else at the same time as me and continues to be with him now. I have since had the information corroborated with my own eyes. Everything about “not being ready” and so on makes perfect sense now.

As I alluded to in my OP, I know in the grand scheme of things it was only a short time we were seeing each other including the second time, but I feel even worse now and also extremely hurt. As mentioned, I see her a few times a week in passing which is simply unavoidable due to our schedules. It had been nice friendly hellos and small talk up until now (which I have found hard), but the next time I would love to tell her exactly what I think, however I know deep down that won’t do any good. It does annoy me a bit not having the last word or her swanning around thinking I don’t know, mind :pac: Is it best to just continue acting oblivious to what I know and to try to be the bigger person, or what way would you approach this unavoidable situation?

Moral of the story and the lesson I’ve learned from this experience going forward? If someone really wants to be with you, 99 times out of 100 they’ll find a way to do exactly that and other reasons like “not being ready” will be irrelevant. The next time I hear those kind of words I’ll be saving myself the torture and be running a mile :pac: If only I knew that a few months ago!

A poster here originally said the reasons given were “bull**** enough” and that has stood out to me. At the time I felt it was a harsh assessment, but you were spot on in the end.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

That's terrible, and I know exactly how ****ty you feel for investing so much time, thought and energy in this person.

This happened to me, I had a wonderful connection with a guy who was struggling with commitment issues, but working on them, only truly happy when he was with me, wanted to travel....bla bla bla - would go off the radar for months and just refused to let me move on...and I begged him. But i was weak... long story short this went on for FIVE YEARS

And I then discovered he'd several other ladies throughout that period including a 2 year relationship.

So be happy you found out so soon.

Obviously I removed him from my life blocked him from calling or seeing anything on my social pages but every 6 months i'll get some kind of weird apology email telling me i am his soulmate and he f*cked up.

So, just prepare yourself for that, I'm really happy with someone else now so it's easy to delete these and not respond but I sometimes wonder if I was still single would I engage, even out of boredom....

Move on, decent people do not behave that way. You sound like a good person, go find what you deserve x

leggo

I wish I’d seen this at the time, I only copped with your update that this happened a month ago, because as I was reading the stuff like her saying “I’ve thought about you every day” and “I’m still not ready for commitment” are standard headwreck behaviour. She’s a melt this one and you’re losing nothing missing out on her. Like you said, if someone wants to be with you, they just will and will make every effort not to lose you rather than giving you the runaround like this one did. Words are wind, don’t pay too much attention to the excuses.

Further things to look out for in preventing something like this from happening again: if it’s a whirlwind and ‘feelings’ are brought up from a super early stage (ie a month). Some people, namely headwrecks, like the feeling of a whirlwind romance, but it’s exactly that that they’re looking for. They want the rush of the peaks and valleys because they’re likely bored in life or just have some form of personality disorders, so they’ll get waaaayy too serious too soon to get to a peak, then create drama or issues where there is none to get to a valley. Like I said, if someone likes you they’re concern is in NOT freaking you out by moving too fast, or on the flip side causing disruption by creating drama.

Take it on the chin anyway OP and learn from it. You likely won’t even think of this woman much after a while, much less miss her.

Typer Monkey

Hi OP, I had a similar experience with a cheating ex and the one thing I regret is letting anger get the better of me and sending him ranty, angry messages when I had a few drinks on me! I recovered from the breakup well and can hold my head high about my behaviour throughout but I wish I had taken the high road and not let him see how angry and hurt I was at the time.

I know too that when you find out there was someone else on the scene that it really hurts..it bruises the aul ego and you feel like a fool for being deceived. It also feels like you are the one hurting while she's off having the craic with somebody else.

While all that is true, I'd advise you to cut all contact and say nothing more to her and be glad you had a lucky escape. She's busy wrecking that other poor eejit's head now. You'll be glad when the dust has settled that you took the high road and preserved your dignity