partner unhappy, relationship not enough?

vgf1995

Hi,

I'm a 23 year old girl who has been in a relationship with this guy for nearly 2 years. He's 46. He lives in Holland. We met online and got on really well, and started going out. The age gap isn't an issue for me. I visit him frequently, and am planning to spend most of my summer break from college with him. He has never visited me here (his decision, not mine), as I still live at home, and he feels a hotel is a waste of money.

My view was that our relationship is strong. He's a really good guy. The problem is that lately I feel he is unhappy. He mentions me moving to Amsterdam, and that he feels, because of his age, that he missed his chance to have kids and a family. He has never married. He has also mentioned that he really wants me to tell my family and friends about him. I'm not saying that these things will never happen, but I don't feel ready right now to move to that stage of our relationship. I don't feel comfortable telling my family about him and how old he is yet, because I know how they will react. I also plan to start an MA degree here in Dublin, so I don't yet want to move away. I've told him all of this, but he still mentions it.


I like our relationship as it is right now, and I feel like I put a lot of effort in. However, now I am having second thoughts because I don't feel like it's good enough for him anymore. I love him, and it hurts me to think that he's unhappy. It's been playing on my mind a lot, as I am visiting him for a week at the end of this month. I'm just not sure what to do.

blairbear

So he is twice your age, he has never visited you in Ireland as he won't pony up for a hotel (I presume you are paying for flights to Holland yourself?) and nobody knows he exists?

OP, this doesn't really sound like a relationship. If the age really isn't an issue (and it more than likely will become one; you are a full generation apart, there are so many differences and needs that will rear their heads), then why not tell people?
You want to maintain the status quo indefinitely it seems. I would absolutely understand how that isn't enough for somebody. But he isn't making any enormous efforts to change things either. It sounds very stagnated.

o1s1n

So a 44 year old man started dating you when you were 21?

Tbh I'm 33 myself and wouldn't consider dating a 21 year old, the age gap and life experience levels is just too great.

I honestly can't imagine what's going through the mind of a 44 year old dating someone who is just two years out of their teens. Well I can, but it's not particularly kind.

Him not visiting your home country and being too stingy to fork out on a hotel just backs that up.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

vgf1995 wrote: »

..... and he feels a hotel is a waste of money.

Run. Run quite fast.

punisher5112

Wow this is what they call a relationship these days.

Op get someone that does want you.

jon1981

When you're 46, he'll be a pensioner... some perspective. Is this really your future?!

Scraggs

A relationship you have to keep secret from your friends and family is not a healthy relationship. I can only imagine the stress on yourself that causes!

turbowolfed

honestly OP the first thing that comes to mind is what were you thinking starting a relationship with a 44 year old when you were 21?

In regards to the issues you’ve talked about i would say that it seems like there’s a power imbalance here....you keep saying “he wants this” “he wants that”. All the decisions shouldn’t be his. They should be shared. What do YOU want OP?

Neyite

Mod:

Closing thread due to irregularities.

OP, please private message to discuss.

UPDATE:
Thread reopened, all is well behind the scenes, apologies for the temporary disruption.

vgf1995

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's much appreciated.

I talked to him last night, and told him that I would tell my family about him, with the clause that I would like him to meet them so that they could see how lovely he is. I felt this would be a good way to disperse any bad assumptions they might have about him based on his age/our relationship being long distance. However, he said he can't and gave me lots of the usual reasons (can't get time off work, too expensive, can't stay at my house so he would have to pay for a hotel).

After reading the comments on this thread, I've realised that if he can't even agree to meet my family or share visits between us (because yes I do pay for all the flights to Holland), this really isn't going to work out. I still have strong feelings for him, and it hurts a lot, but I am going to end it.

Thanks again.

punisher5112

Go out and forget about that lad, quite possible he is married or with many others.

People can be so horrible so think of it as a lucky escape and go out with friends for a good night.

Sephiroth_dude

vgf1995 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's much appreciated.

I talked to him last night, and told him that I would tell my family about him, with the clause that I would like him to meet them so that they could see how lovely he is. I felt this would be a good way to disperse any bad assumptions they might have about him based on his age/our relationship being long distance. However, he said he can't and gave me lots of the usual reasons (can't get time off work, too expensive, can't stay at my house so he would have to pay for a hotel).

After reading the comments on this thread, I've realised that if he can't even agree to meet my family or share visits between us (because yes I do pay for all the flights to Holland), this really isn't going to work out. I still have strong feelings for him, and it hurts a lot, but I am going to end it.

Thanks again.

You making the right decision, sounds like it wasn't going to go anywhere, after you end it block him everywhere so he can't come crawling back with promises .

Big Bag of Chips

Ah OP, I hope you stay strong and end this. You are young, early 20s and for 2 years you've been in a secret relationship that you can't share with your family and friends. He makes zero effort to see you and you make the very expensive trips to him all the time. If you didn't make the effort, he wouldn't see you. That's how much your relationship means to him. Hotels are dirt cheap these days. So he considers any effort for your relationship a waste of money? He could be married, he could be seeing others as mentioned. But one thing is certain he has no intention of ever becoming part of your life. Enjoy your 20s and don't be tied into a secret with someone who is only interested in what you can give them, and not what they can share with you.