2nd time around...

headmelted18

I'm looking for perspectives on my relationship situation.

I'm in my late 20's. Last year, I began dating someone after being single for a period of time. I had an odd date in between and was delighted when I met someone I finally clicked with.
We dated regularly for around three months. During the three months, we had good dates and spent a lot of time together. Around half way, we had a conversation about where things were going. The other person had much more dating experience, and admitted they'd been on a dating app and texted someone else they'd had one date with while dating me. There was also some drama with someone from the past of the person I'd been dating, and with the time of year I decided I didn't want to get involved in something that didn't concern me so I called it a day and advised the other person to work on themselves and sort out whatever drama was going on in the background.

I spent around 3 months just doing my own thing. Signed up to dating sites but truthfully didn't really have an interest. Was away for a few short trips and kept occupied as I had been before. When I ended things, we had limited contact because I felt we both needed some space. We had very rare contact, an occasional how are you text initiated by both parties. I started to miss the other person and we agreed to meet for a coffee. They looked really well and seemed to take heed of the advice I had given. We met for a drink the following week and things felt really different this time, like the person had no drama and wanted to properly focus on the potential of our dates.

10 days into dating the second time the other person said they needed to tell me something before we went any further. They admitted to sleeping with someone else during our first four weeks of dating. The drama I referenced above stemmed from the same person. It was a FWB situation that I had suspected hadn't resolved as the other party had feelings for the person I was dating and it was too messy for me at the time. They said the friendship was over, but wanted a 100% clean state and no drama before moving forward.
Naturally, I wasn't happy or impressed. I made this known and said I needed to think about what it meant for us going forward. It is a red flag for me that someone I thought was dating me exclusively, would hook up with someone else. I get that this is modern dating but the thought makes me ill. We were technically single at the time and hadn't called it an official relationship but I didn't date anyone else. They took full responsibility and said I could take time if I needed. Yesterday I was thinking about things and I just feel a bit stuck. I've had mixed advice from friends; ranging from that I should end things for good and run for the hills, as it isn't good enough and others saying that the person deserves credit for being honest before getting serious and had more to loose by telling me the truth.
I do see potential, but I don't deal well with drama and there has probably been a bit much already for a potentially new and budding relationship. I didn't want to walk away and gave it a second shot because of the potential but this has messed my head up.

Mr. Incognito

We were technically single at the time and hadn't called it an official relationship but I didn't date anyone else

There's your answer.

You were not exclusive. You decided to me. Its not fair to expect the same from them.

Relationships are not locked in from day one. They have had an opportunity to miss you and have told you the truth and want to start with a clean slate.

If you are mature you will respect that and put it aside and move on with the relationsip.

If you cannot get over that or intend to bring it up again in the future let this person move on because this is YOUR issue, not theirs.

.

bee06

headmelted18 wrote: »

It is a red flag for me that someone I thought was dating me exclusively, would hook up with someone else. I get that this is modern dating but the thought makes me ill. We were technically single at the time and hadn't called it an official relationship but I didn't date anyone else.

If you weren’t explicit in your wish for exclusivity then the other person did nothing wrong. You made an assumption rather than them misleading you on their intentions.

headmelted18

I had met his dad in a casual way and we did speak about not dating anyone else, so imo I may not have called him my boyfriend but he knew,

Exclamation Marc

I think you should consider whether you can simply move on from the incident and let it go.

As you said, it's too new a relationship to carry that baggage so early on if it'd going to bother you.

As others have said, you weren't exclusive so nothing is technically wrong but obviously you'll feel how you feel about it.

If you can't 100% let go of it, just leave the relationship and move on.

LaughAlot2

headmelted18 wrote: »

<Snip> Please do not quote the entire post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text that nobody reads.

This sounds very similar to a situation my sister was in a while back, your best bet would be to move on before your heart and head decide to get too deep. Although, if it was not discussed and just assumed, then both of you should sit down and have a talk (and listen) to what the other person would like from this relationship, or if there even is a relationship that the both of you are dealing with.

Beware of the "taking things slow" as years down the line and my sister's man is still on the "taking things slow".

Could be commitment issues on either part, I hope both of you can come together and decide what the best step forward is.

Good luck

leggo

I think you’re being way harsh on the guy. He’s being honest with you (more honest than he has to be, the rule of thumb is that these things generally go unspoken) and technically hasn’t done anything wrong. If you actually want a drama free, healthy relationship then you should reward honesty with trust. Going mental about things you don’t really have a right to go mental about and punishing honesty sets up a very dodgy infrastructure.

It also sounds like you could do with some work on yourself and that perhaps you’re the one who isn’t in a good headspace to be in a relationship, I feel a bit of projection when you said that to him being honest.

amdublin

While he technically did nothing wrong the sleeping with someone else indicates he wasn't that much into you.

I don't think you should stick around. If it was me I would be off meeting someone who was mad about me and not thinking about someone else.

leggo

amdublin wrote: »

While he technically did nothing wrong the sleeping with someone else indicates he wasn't that much into you.

As a bloke, not really. My last serious relationship, I met up with someone the day after our first date. And I was mad about the girl, the other girl I met up with had no long-term prospects for me. But we’d made plans and were still texting and I didn’t know if the first date would lead to anything or whether she was that into me. It’s standard in 2018 and people need to deal with their possessiveness more than anything. Just because you like someone and hope for a future with them doesn’t mean you own or have any claim to them.

ahnow

Had you slept together at the point where he slept with the other girl? Or was it within your first couple of dates he slept with her?
I personally think it’s a bit icky, and I’d be walking away. While no exclusivity was expressed, and he’s technically within his rights as you are to ride around...is it a particularly nice or respectful thing to do? To some people maybe? Not for me, it’d put me right off, really it’s down to how you feel.

Bambi985

Oh it’s all so drama llama tbh. That kind of thing this early doors would be a big red flag for me, too old for it and life’s too short to not feel any safety or stability with your partner. I mean both times you gave it a shot shyt the fan over - what exactly? - before the relationship ever really got off the ground. What’s it going to be like 6 months down the line? Or 12?

I’ll tell you one thing, when you sign up for this kind of drama-filled relationship, days roll into months roll into years and suddenly you’re years deep in a miserable relationship that’s going nowhere and resentful of not being where you wanted to be in life. May sound a bit dramatic - (oh the irony) - but I’ve seen it in so many couples around me where they never really trusted each other or formed an actual friendship and partnership and these silly little dramas formed the foundation of their relationship and nothing ever changed. I’d be wary tbh. Sounds like more hard work and head fvuk than is healthy or normal this early on

headmelted18

Thank you all for the replies. Some different perspectives as I thought.

I just want to clarify the exclusivity part.

We slept together early enough into the dates. Probably around date 8 which would have been week 3. My head is so melted over why he slept with someone else, because clearly I had slept with him around that time and we had dates around then too. I don't understand how people (not just men) can compartmentalise these things and give themselves to two people at the same time.
I am generally not a clingy person or possessive. These dates were different in the sense I believe we have a genuine spark and connection. It is disappointing that someone I had thought was only interested in me slept with someone else who they'd a past with. Maybe I wouldn't care so much if I didn't find out he was sleeping with his friend off/on for a year.

After he slept with the friend he became focused on what we were and labels, but I didn't want to rush. Around 3 months I noticed things had changed in that he had unresolved drama which I now know I was right about. He has always said there was never anything long term on the horizon with his friend and they are not in contact anymore. He doesn't have a lot of friends and I don't believe it's my place to tell him not to be friends with this girl but how am I supposed to feel if they do meet up now knowing what I know?
I am not naive enough to think that no one has relationship histories etc but I felt deceived. The break did do good, and he seems more chilled out which is obviously good. It isn't fair if in my head I know this is a deal breaker because I wouldn't string him along, so I have to either find a way to respect his honesty in a mature way and move on or walk away altogether.

Anne1982h

Find it a bit gross to be one of two girls sleeping with the same guy around the same time. Like why not be happy to be sleeping with the new person you supposedly like and are dating!!! It wouldn’t be for me. Had zero drama when I met my OH compared to other guys. I would look for the guy with zero drama!

ahnow

That would be a total deal breaker for me, pretty scaldy behaviour and plenty of folk out there that dont carry on like that when they’re dating someone new. Also interesting that he says there was going to be no long term connection with the FWB...so why jeopardize a budding relationship by doubling up?! Drama and effort and pretty gross.

Bambi985

Anne1982h wrote: »

I would look for the guy with zero drama!

Yep, pretty much sums up what I was trying to say!

Look, if it makes you icky it makes you icky, simple as that. You wouldn't be here if you were totally laissez-faire "we weren't exclusive" about it. TBH I'd be a bit grossed out too, as I don't fall into bed with people and fail to understand how someone else can sleep with multiple people casually, when they're really only interested in one of them (or claim to be). Don't care how common it is. It's a bit eww to me.

You don't need the drama, and you have a bloody lot of it for someone that's never gotten passed the three-month mark with some guy - and you're on your second try with this fella! Look for zero drama. Zero drama is the biggest sign of compatibility I've ever had when it comes to relationships.

leggo

I still think this bloke is getting punished for being too honest. While I understand how it’s not nice to hear, I think many who say it would be a dealbreaker would be surprised if they heard the reality of people they’ve been with (with both guys and girls). It’s an emotional reaction and typically what happens when the emotion doesn’t match the logic is that the person who had the reaction ends up coming back, and then he could’ve moved on or grown sick of having his head wrecked. Then you’ve actually lost someone decent because of BS ‘rules’ and overthinking.

OP think about it: on one level you say you understand you weren’t exclusive, but you also say “but this was different.” How is he supposed to have known it was different at the time? Did you say it was different to him? Did you intimate that you wanted it to be exclusive? So some people will see sleeping with someone as a big deal and unspoken sign of exclusivity, for example...did you tell him this is how you saw it?

If the answer is no to the above, you’ve made this situation yourself by expecting him to know it all while not actually communicating it. Meanwhile he has communicated this stuff to you honestly when he didn’t have to, yet he’s the bad guy? You’ve got hit with a hard dose of dating reality here and, while on a human level I empathise with you, I think you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

justfillmein

Anne1982h wrote: »

Find it a bit gross to be one of two girls sleeping with the same guy around the same time. Like why not be happy to be sleeping with the new person you supposedly like and are dating!!!

leggo wrote: »

OP think about it: on one level you say you understand you weren’t exclusive, but you also say “but this was different.” How is he supposed to have known it was different at the time? Did you say it was different to him? Did you intimate that you wanted it to be exclusive? So some people will see sleeping with someone as a big deal and unspoken sign of exclusivity, for example...did you tell him this is how you saw it?

If the answer is no to the above, you’ve made this situation yourself by expecting him to know it all while not actually communicating it. Meanwhile he has communicated this stuff to you honestly when he didn’t have to, yet he’s the bad guy? You’ve got hit with a hard dose of dating reality here and, while on a human level I empathise with you, I think you’re shooting yourself in the foot.

I think it's a woman thing leggo:P.

I definitely agree with your post.
on the outside I know your right, but I know I'd feel the same too in a situation like this.
lovely complex creatures that we are:pac:

leggo

I understand that, and the emotions involved. If I was dating someone and heard it I’d feel the same. But there’s one thing feeling it and then another not being able to put aside those emotions and that anxiety with logic (i.e. “wait this person was actually being really honest with me, that’s what I’m looking for in a person”) to lose a potentially good person. That’s when natural emotions start to lead to craziness.

Moznips

[QUOTE Just because you like someone and hope for a future with them doesn’t mean you own or have any claim to them.[/QUOTE]

That's it in a nutshell

headmelted18

Thanks for your replies leggo. It's good to get male perspectives too.

I completely understand that just because I liked him at the begining did not tie him to me exlusively. Imo, he knew things were different because we spoke about it. He was open in saying he had been dating short term for 2 years and didn't click with anyone in the way that we did. In the second month we had a few overnights away and we did talk about not dating other people. I had been very happy to allow things to progress naturally and then drama became involved due to unresolved issues with his ex. Now that I know he slept with someone else around week 3, I don't understand why he would imply exclusivity by saying there was no one else, and if he was also on a dating site.
I am aware of how dating is these days, and what I've described above is normal for men and women re: keeping options open but I was disappointed when he was obvioulsy keeping his options open too.

During the break he did want to meet up to talk about the unresolved issues with the ex which he said shouldn't have impacted my decision to end things. It was an opportunity for him to miss me and for me to miss him and the second time round things had been going really well until he told me he slept with someone else.
To play devil's advocate, I feel that the break has allowed us both to get our heads in order and figure out what the boundaries are. He says that he didn't date at all during the break period and he is trying to be open and honest this time around. I'm trying to meet him half way but it's difficult now I know he was dishonest in the beginning and wonder if he had an opportunity like that again would he take it.

startoveragain

It's easy for people to say how icky and gross it is but sometimes people do stupid things...It's as simple as that really. Just because he done this it doesn't mean his feelings for you weren'/ aren't genuine. Sometimes the start of relationships are scary/confusing ( I am not defending his actions) but we are all human, he was honest enough to disclose what he done when he didn't have to tell you, that shows that he respects you and wants to do things right with no secrets, I think you should give him a chance, I'm female btw and have done something similar to the said guy. It was meaningless.

justfillmein

If I was seeing somebody early days, but hadn't yet slept with them, and then found out they had slept with somebody else during the first few weeks, I don't think it would bother me much.
we are not officially in a relationship, so it's just something I'd suck up.

I'll be honest though, and say it would be very different if I had slept with that person.
whether or not we were actually official, it just wouldn't go down well with me.
sex for me is a very personal thing so I don't think I'd be able to continue anything with them after that

leggo

headmelted18 wrote: »

I completely understand that just because I liked him at the begining did not tie him to me exlusively. Imo, he knew things were different because we spoke about it. He was open in saying he had been dating short term for 2 years and didn't click with anyone in the way that we did. In the second month we had a few overnights away and we did talk about not dating other people. I had been very happy to allow things to progress naturally and then drama became involved due to unresolved issues with his ex. Now that I know he slept with someone else around week 3, I don't understand why he would imply exclusivity by saying there was no one else, and if he was also on a dating site.

To play devil's advocate, I feel that the break has allowed us both to get our heads in order and figure out what the boundaries are. He says that he didn't date at all during the break period and he is trying to be open and honest this time around. I'm trying to meet him half way but it's difficult now I know he was dishonest in the beginning and wonder if he had an opportunity like that again would he take it.

I've bolded the parts that are getting you here.

"In your opinion" he knew things were different. You're making assumptions on his behalf then punishing him for your assumptions not being true.

You talked about exclusivity in the second month but then you were upset he slept with someone after 3 weeks (before the exclusivity talk).

And he wasn't dishonest with you, in fact he's been too honest with you here. Before you agree to be exclusive, you have as much right to information on someone's sex life as you do a stranger on the street's. He didn't have to tell you anything here. He did anyway because he wanted to be completely honest with you. You then punish him for this honesty by saying he's not being honest. When did you expect him to tell you this information you had no right to? How could he go back in time and do it the right way? Should he have called you the next day and told you? What is it here you're actually looking for beyond "like me as much as I liked you at a particular point in the past that you can't change"?

These are all things that you personally are struggling with. He's done nothing wrong. It's just you not being able to get your head around dating. It also sounds like you're sabotaging a bit tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

You're both on different sides of the same thing. You assumed he wouldn't sleep with anyone else (probably a reasonable assumption) he assumed it was ok to sleep with someone else. There was drama from the start with all these "extra people" that he claimed he didn't want anything with, yet there they were. Then he slept with one of them. Yes, fair enough technically he did nothing wrong, but your gut was telling you something from the start.

He's not the only available man left! If things are causing this much toing and froing so early in the day then why bother? It seemed he was keeping his options open or simply enjoying a sleeping with someone else. But if you're not happy with that nothing is making you stay. And nobody can tell you you're wrong. Technically he mightn't have done anything wrong, but technically if you walk away you're not doing anything wrong either.

You are the only person who can make the decision that's right for you. Talking to too many friends and getting advice from multiple sources will only confuse things as every person will tell you what they'd do. This comes down to what do you want to do. If you want to give it a go and see how it goes, go for it. If it doesn't feel right in a month/3 months/6 months you always have the option of walking away. It's not like deciding to give it a go now means you are locked in to some tight contract!

Walk away now, or decide to give it a go. Either way it'll work out in time.