Tips for Dating Single Father

LegacyUser

Posting here as I want to go anon. I'm in the very early days of a new relationship but (not wanting to jump the gun) this guy might well be a keeper. He has a young child but I've never dated a single father before – not by choice but simply because that's the way it's worked out. We are both mid 30s. I have no children and also no nieces/nephews so no reference points to help me out.

I'm just looking for some dos and don’ts. I don't know where the line is between taking an interest in his child and being too nosy and intrusive. I mean I'm dating him but his child is also a big part of his life. I want him to know I'm interested in all parts of his life but I don't want to get too heavy and serious when we are still in the fun getting to know each other stage.

tupenny

I'd follow his lead and not overthink it.
Show interest when he mentions the child, so that he knows it's cool to! But i wouldnt be asking too many questions out of the blue just yet, or meeting the child any time soon.
Speaking as a single mam here, i wouldn't have any1 meet my child for a least 6 months. Maybe thats just me though! Also too many Qs early on can be off putting. Again, just my point of view..
Take it as it comes, going by your OP I'd say you'll be grand

benny79

Yeah definity show a interest in his child as I found this off putting myself when seeing a girl a few years ago and ended up finishing it.. Just show a interest when he mentions them or if it tells you they're playing a match Saturday say, maybe ask the next time you see him how they got on etc.. Just keep it simple..

leggo

I’ve dated single mothers and could probably write a book on it at this stage, but fathers don’t tend to be the primary carers in the majority so I imagine a lot of the issues that presented themselves for me wouldn’t apply.

What I’d say is to go at your own pace and don’t feel pressured into doing anything. Don’t assume that the parent knows best and has things figured out more than you either, so if you don’t feel comfortable meeting the child and have ANY reservations whatsoever, say so and deal with the consequences because time will usually prove you right with those reservations. Remember if you get it wrong you’re potentially affecting a small child’s life, so it’s worth putting stuff out there and not going into anything blindly.

The main bit of advice I’d say is to go with your own gut and put yourself first in any decisions, because the reality is you’re in a situation where the other person (however nice and well meaning they are) ultimately has to put themselves and their child first, so don’t ever feel selfish saying no or pressured into going along with anything you don’t want to. When you meet another person’s child, the risk is that you have to make a bigger emotional leap of faith into the relationship than they do (since they don’t have to risk getting attached then losing that if it doesn’t work out), so it’s well worth exercising caution there.

If you get stuff wrong, don’t beat yourself up. You’re jumping into someone else’s situation that you didn’t create and trying your best to deal with all that comes with that. That makes you a good person, even if you make mistakes, which you probably will as you go and that’s totally fine.

Lastly, if you think it’s not for you at any stage, don’t feel like you’re a bad person saying so. I came from a situation where my Mam was a single mother so always felt like I could never rule someone out just because they had a kid, because I was that kid once and things turned out alright for me. But having tried it I realised it’s not for me at all. Some people can slot into that role and thrive, some people (like me) find the issues involved drives them insane, and you shouldn’t have to compromise your happiness to (again) try fit into a situation you didn’t create. I’ve dated and texted single mothers since realising that and told them in a nice way the situation wasn’t for me when it came up, and they’ll properly guilt trip you for it regularly. But that’s their problem not mine, and it doesn’t have to be yours either if that’s what you learn from this.

justfillmein

leggo wrote: »

I came from a situation where my Mam was a single mother so always felt like I could never rule someone out just because they had a kid, because I was that kid once and things turned out alright for me. But having tried it I realised it’s not for me at all. Some people can slot into that role and thrive, some people (like me) find the issues involved drives them insane, and you shouldn’t have to compromise your happiness to (again) try fit into a situation you didn’t create. I’ve dated and texted single mothers since realising that and told them in a nice way the situation wasn’t for me when it came up, and they’ll properly guilt trip you for it regularly. But that’s their problem not mine, and it doesn’t have to be yours either if that’s what you learn from this.

this is kinda interesting leggo.
not something I would expect to happen.

would it be ok to ask you what it is that has made you feel this way??
if that's too personal, don't worry at all about not answering:)

leggo

No, happy to help if it gives the OP some perspective (mods feel free to reign in if you feel it doesn't).

For me, it creates an immediately uneven relationship where one person has a perfectly valid reason to sway things in their favour. My experiences have taught me that this need to over-compromise often goes unthanked or unrecognised. You're expected to go along and be happy with having very little say in the overall direction of your relationship because 'that's what you signed up to'. You are the 'break' for the parent, you are the thing in their life that's just for them, but what about what you want yourself? I've learned that it's okay to be 'selfish' and want a scenario where your own needs and wants are a matter of priority rather than an inconvenience.

Also my personality dictates that I find it difficult to bite my tongue and stay out of important matters. So, for example, you're instantly told that the raising of the other child is none of your business. Seems fair enough early days, I never really had a problem there. But what if you're looking at the person as a potential parent of your own future children and disagree with, or at least wish to discuss, some of their techniques? Does it become your place to comment then or do you have to go along with their techniques because they happened to have a child first? What about if the child lives in your home and any children you have will be their brother/sister? Do you then do inconsistent parenting because you're not allowed be involved in the raising of the stepchild? Or do you get involved, love it as your own, then if it doesn't work out be expected to just walk away from a child whose life you've played a big part in? (I've done the latter, emotionally it feels like a child of yours has died, and it has to be that way for the sake of not confusing things for them...it's not nice)

All of that is before dealing with exes, which is a minefield in and of itself. But I'll let the OP expand on if that's an issue before I go there.

All of the above is true in multiple cases involving different people. I fully accept that I may have just met the wrong people, but it would also be foolish of me to try again as I don't think I could settle into another one of those situations happily again. Out of sheer fear of not wanting to be hurt if things didn't work out, I couldn't emotionally commit to being whatever I needed to be for the child (and that flexibility is important because it'll vary case-to-case) and I think I'd feel like I was going insane if I started getting told 'the rules' I'm not allowed dispute in my own relationship. Or how I 'don't understand' anything. But the experiences have also taught me that I'll be an awesome father some day, so it's not all negative either.

Again, some people can deal with all of this absolutely swimmingly. I'm just not one of them and it's okay if others aren't either.

justfillmein

thanks a lot for sharing that from your perspective leggo.
I really appreciate your honesty.

you seem to have come to that way of thinking based on your own experiences and are not just being biased to the topic. that's fair enough:)

fenris

I am a widower with two kids, so i have some perspective on this one.
Treat him like a human being and first build the relationship on that basis, he will shelter his kid as best he can and may be more cautious than you are about getting heavily involved because he has to protect the child from further emotional impacts, this doesn't mean that he doesn't like you, just that he is doing right by the child as you would for yours.
Childcare arrangements will probably mess up more than a few dates, but things will get easier when you get to the stage of being able to be a couple in the kids presence.
Asking about the kid is very natural and normal, he will probably be happy to chat once he figures pout that it's not going to scare you off, you also need to know what the normal day to day relationship will look like and whether it can work for you.
The bonus it's that you will not have to guess at what kind of dad he will be should you decide to have kids in the future!
Being a single dad is hard and it is very easy to just focus on being as good a dad as you can without the complications associated with forming a new relationship, so the fact that he is giving it a go with you is a good sign, let him make the calls regarding the kid, i.e. introductions, meeting, etc. but at the same time make sure that you are getting the time that you need to have a real relationship.
I am seeing an amazing girl, she asked about the kids from the start, met them as a friend first, we only told them that we were going out once she figured out that it was a relationship that she could handle.
Recently my daughter told me that she really liked my partner because she didn't try to be mum and was just like a big sister.
That to me is getting things very right with the kids which in turn means that our own relationship had room to grow and deepen.

justfillmein

^that gives me some hope Fenris:pac:

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for all the replies. He doesn't seem to have much (any) time to date so it might be a very long and slow road - or a very short road!!! I don't know a lot about his child or about the relationship with the ex but I'm sure he will tell me that in time At least I now have a better idea about how much or how little I should talk about it with him.

Mr. Incognito

ut what if you're looking at the person as a potential parent of your own future children and disagree with, or at least wish to discuss, some of their techniques? Does it become your place to comment then or do you have to go along with their techniques because they happened to have a child first? What about if the child lives in your home and any children you have will be their brother/sister? Do you then do inconsistent parenting because you're not allowed be involved in the raising of the stepchild? Or do you get involved, love it as your own, then if it doesn't work out be expected to just walk away from a child whose life you've played a big part in? (I've done the latter, emotionally it feels like a child of yours has died, and it has to be that way for the sake of not confusing things for them...it's not nice)

Hi there.

I've a 13 year old son who lives with his Mom and her now husband and I have him alternative weekends.

My advice is to

1. Ask him. For me my son has only ever met three long term gfs in all that time. I would be protective of him and the relationship would want to be at an advanced stage before they meet. I wouldnt be offended by this but its tougher for children to lose parental figures in their life.

2. The above about parenting techniques is an absolute no-go. It's his kid and your relationship gives you no right to stick your oar in. The additional examples are some future hypotetical scenario that you can deal with as and when the need arises but if you start criticising his parenting you will be setting yourself up for a world of trouble.

banie01

Hey OP,
I'm in a similar situation to Fenris but a few years further on.
The advice offered by Fenris is spot on.
I spent a long time holding people at arms length and basically keeping home/GF separate.
My focus was on giving my child the stable and supportive home he needed and it was a long while before dating was anything more than a bit adult company before I went back in to my silo.

I'm now 11yrs on from losing my wife, 6 of those years have been spent in a relationship with a woman who struck a very similar tack to Fenris' lady.
The most important bit of advice I'd give is that much like "single mothers", single fathers are not looking for a replacement parent.
The new relationship will develop organically, but the make and break of the future of the relationship really does depend on how the introduction and rapport with the child goes.
It can quickly become uncomfortable for the GF, when they are taking a back seat to a child.
It is true to say that it will quickly become apparent that you are second to the child.
But, openness and honesty go a long way towards building a foundation for this, both with the Father and when the time arises with the child.
Both of you need to be honest about what ye want, and where the relationship is heading.
You can ask about the child, but honestly as your relationship grows if he sees a future, he will take the lead in the introductions.

From the very start of my current relationship, I would talk to both my (Now) wife and we were seeing each other for 6months before I ever introduced her to my child.
My wife and child have a very good relationship, she has become a Step mother, but more important than that...
They have become friends, they trust each other and we have become a family unit that is tight and supportive.
Stepping into a parenting or at the very least a responsible adult role, is daunting and not to be rushed into.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice. I'm okay with taking it slow - at whatever pace he needs - once I know that he sees this potentially going somewhere. I've been burnt and so am a little wary of "just going with it" in case I get taken for a ride (no pun intended) again. But he talks about his child a lot to me and has mentioned that he hopes I can meet her one day. Hopefully this is an indication that he sees potential in "us". He is the most genuinely lovely guy I've ever met and he is an amazing dad. It's very clear that his child is number one and he's openly said that no matter how much he falls in love with someone, that love will never compare to what he feels for his child. I completely understand that and in my head I love the fact that he absolutely adores his child. I suppose time will tell whether in reality I will be okay with always coming second.

ElizaBennett

Hi datingadad, he sounds really grest and I hope it goes very well for you. Don't worry too much about the idea of always coming second as you're not comparing like with like. My partner and I both have kids from our marriages so I guess it's easier as we both get it but I think of my love for him as the most important 'romantic' love in my life. My children need me but they won't always
- so they are different types of love and don't have to compete.

I disagree that it's never appropriate to comment on behaviour or parenting issues. Of course is appropriate if it's impacting you directly. My partner brings his child to my house for overnights every week. He has moved in with me but it's still my house. I'm going to speak up as diplomatically as possible about unacceptable behaviour. I firmly believe I have to stand up yourself and not be walked all over by a young child. You don't have to put up with bad behaviour if it's causing you stress. Obviously this only kicks in when you're spending more time together.
Any decent person with some awareness will know if their kid is out of line. If he can't take the slightest criticism then I'd say that's over sensitivity I wouldn't want to deal with. My partner gently mentions things my kids do that are a little rude or out of line and rightly so.

Ask questions and show interest and see how it all goes. But I don't think you have to resign yourself to the life of a doormat xx

justfillmein

ElizaBennett wrote: »

they are different types of love and don't have to compete.

I love that whole post elizabennett, but mostly the quoted part:)