Gay, Lonely and hate how I am

bluefivetwo23

I feel like I'm at my wits end and at it completely alone.

I don't know how to even write this as there are so many pieces to it.

I'm 22 and just about to finish college. My dad is seriously mentally ill and my mother is not much better because of having to cope with Dad.

I have virtually no relationship with Dad because I can't take any more of his behaviour and I only talk to mom because I feel sorry for her.

I am gay and my parents are extremely traditional, if they knew I would be cut off completely and I know that sounds like an overreaction but I promise you its not, it is 100% accurate.

I feel so alone, i'm writing this crying and I have no one to help make it feel better. I just want somebody to care about me I hate feeling like this. A few of my friends know but that doesn't help the loneliness any better. I want someone who truly loves me for me but no one does.

I've spent Christmas alone the last two years and I don't see my life changing. I am gay and I am not flamboyant or anything like that but I do have interests I wish I didn't have.

I wish I could behave like an average 22 year old lad and talk like that, be into stuff like soccer etc. I wish I was a normal lad but instead I tend to like music that is probably aimed at women and watch soaps etc. I hate it. I hate myself for being like this when I don't want to be like this.

I can't take it. I hate myself for something I cant change and I feel so lonely to the point I'm crying when I'm by myself.

What can I do. I need a fix to this because I can't take this miserable life anymore.

Redser87

Have you approached the LGBT society in your college? They will have seen people in this situation many times before- Not to diminish how you are feeling but I know from friends that the time before you come out can be an extremely lonely one. You are still very young and the love of your life may not have shown up yet but there is so much time.
It seems clear from your post that you haven't really accepted yourself or your interests, and clichéd as it is you may need to work on loving yourself first. Have you tried CBT? Some colleges have free online CBT courses for students and AWARE does one too. Or make an appointment with the college counsellor while that option is still open to you.
Hope things start to look up for you soon.

Dial Hard

Have you posted about this before, OP? It sounds very familiar.

bluefivetwo23

I posted a long time ago, must be months now.

The reason I have again is because its got worse since then. In the last few weeks in particular there have been times where I've had to leave lectures/friends and go somewhere by myself to calm down because my body feels physically sick with fear.

I went to the counselling in college and it wasn't any use. I feel like I've tried my best to overcome this but it cant be overcome.

I just feel so low now I want to sleep so I can forget about life and when I wake up I feel sad because I'm back into my life again. I want someone to really care about me but at the same time I hate myself. On paper it looks like I have it sorted but in my mind I feel like such a failure. I just want someone to care.

Lisha

Op, I know you say you want some one to care but you must care about yourself first. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh but all I wish you is peace. Forget about your patents reaction, sounds like their lives are too chaotic, and they can only sort themselves out. And conversely only you can help yourself.

What could you do that would improve your life?
I think you can only start with baby steps.
Accept yourself, this will be gradual so let it happens in its own time.
Be kind to yourself, sleep well, eat well, exercise well. Stop talking to yourself I’m a negative way.
Study so that college isn’t a waste of time.
Do try more counseling.
Do try joining college groups that interest you.
Rinse and repeat, so much of life is faking it til you make it, so just keep trying.
I know you think these things come easier to other but believe me everyone has their own fears.

I wish you well op.

Lisha

Op i just read your second post and if you say it’s escalating then please, please keep asking your doctor/college doctor / counselor for help. Maybe you need to try and different counselor. You deserve to feel comfortable in yourself and please fight for yourself.

Irish Praetorian

I couldnt help but recognize a few parts of myself in what you write. One way of tackling the loneliness is to throw yourself in new clubs, groups or even into work. And I wouldnt rush to think that your interests are odd, with the internet changes are if you have an interest someone else shares it.

Afroshack

Do you have many LGBT friends?

bluefivetwo23

Afroshack wrote: »

Do you have many LGBT friends?

No

Afroshack

Have you thought about joining your college LGBT soc or Belong 2? Might help you start to accept your sexuality and meet others in the same boat. You can be openly gay there, no hiding, no secrets. Over time, you might even meet someone you like. But first, focus on yourself. Focus on finishing college, minding yourself and building up an LGBT support or friends network.

Purple Mountain

Hi.
If I'm right, you posted before about not being able to go home at Christmas and I remember feeling sad that you were going to be in your student digs alone.
To be honest, hun, it sounds like things have escalated in your mind/world since then so please go to the campus doctor on Monday won't you?
Tell them how lonely and sad you are and that you need help.
If anything else, saying this out loud to another human will give you some relief and clarity.
I have no practical advice in terms of LGBT as I know little about it but I do recognise someone who sounds in great distress and you have to reach out. So please do.

ironwalk

OP,

You sound very low at the moment. You can choose to believe that this is it- or that things will get better.
Any of us who have faced hard times, know what it's like to feel hopeless.

From the outside, it's very easy for people listening to see that things will get better for you. When you're 40, you'll look back and see that you are facing a big challenge, but that it was surmountable.

You're only 22, and you sound like a fine, caring young man. An asset to society.
Right now you've hit a bump in the road and you need some help- that's fine. We all need help at different points in our lives, and then at other times, we are the ones giving the hand up.

So, where are you going to seek help?
CBT is great- but it's a bit like trying on shoes. The counsellor who works for one person, won't fit everyone. You have to try a few until you get the one that fits you.

Your family, which most of us have been brought up to think will accept and help us no matter what, are not able to be there for you. They have their own issues.
So you can be a bit selfish right now and spend your energy on yourself- not worrying about them or their reactions to you.

You said several times that you just want someone to care- and your family are not able to be that someone.
OK. That's very difficult and it's a loss for you.
Sooo- you have to be the person who cares for you.

Make a plan.
It might be
1. Join LGBT soc.
2. Talk to GP
3. Come out to one good friend.

You're a bit stuck in the fear and self-loathing and loss of who you think you should be.
You can stay stuck or decide to take (baby) steps to make a change.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your parents and last 2 Christmas days. It makes me very sad to hear you say you hate yourself - do you think you feel that way because you're gay, because of your different interests, or a combination of both things?

I am also a gay man who is not flamboyant but not into sports or other typical guy stuff either. I totally get where you're coming from feeling so different from everyone else. Sometimes I wish I was more "normal" too but I've learned it's a mistake and totally unfair to compare yourself to others. There's nothing wrong with liking the things you like and you'll find there are so many other people like us out there who don't fit into the supposed "norm". It's easy to forget about all of your good qualities when you are so focused on what is "wrong" with you

I'd echo other posters in saying focus on looking after yourself first and foremost but also see about joining an LGBT group of some kind. I think it would help you to be able to be able talk to other gay people or even just to see that there are all kinds of different people out there and being a "typical lad" isn't necessary in order for people to love and accept you.

shesty

I think that last poster's advice is good OP.I know someone who was gay and when she openly told me, she also told me it had taken a good two years for her (in her thirties) to first admit it to herself and then start admitting it to other people. Well....not so much "admit" but accept that it was who she was and to be ok with it.

So maybe that's where you should start....become ok with it yourself, with a view to coming out to one person in the future.And take it from there.Slow, small steps.

never_mind

The big thing I think you need is support here. Google the Gay switchboard and talk to some of the counsellors there.. they can refer you to services that might be of use to you.

Are you living at home? Are you in college?

bluefivetwo23

I'm in my final weeks of college and will be working near my college for at least summer. Going home isn't an option so that was also making me panic so badly but I got a job so it will be OK for a while.

The thing is I just feel done with it. I don't want to even talk about it anymore because the way I am about this is so hardwired into my brain.

I feel like such a failure, i'm a 22 year old lad who's crying (literally) for someone to properly care and I even hate the fact I'm this weak.

never_mind

OP you’re saying you don’t want to talk about it but you want someone to care? Most gay men go through varying degrees of what you are feeling and you can get though it with support and guidance. If you’re not willing to seek support from what we’ve suggested your situation will not change.

Rubberchikken

Until youre willing to get support and help nothing will change.
There has been great advice on all the other posts so try to let someone help you.
You sound like a decent person who given the right support will manage to make a great life for themselves.
Take care

dr.fuzzenstein

OP, you feel like this because you have left the situation fester far too long.
Your body and your mind have a way of telling you that it can't go on anymore. You need to sort this out with your parents and you need to do this now. You don't want to, but this won't wait any longer, the more you wait, the worse it will get and it will eat you up.
I hate confrontations more than anyone else, I stayed far too long in a sh*tty relationship because of it.

You have a fear of the reaction and a fear of how bad it will go. But you have to admit, this can't go on and it's eating you up inside.

OP, you are what you are. And you are great, I adore that you don't like football and you like what you like because you like it, not because it is what you're supposed to like.

You need to face this, this is literally the fight of your life, all the counselling in the world won't help you otherwise.
You must also trust that it will never be as bad as you think.
No force on earth can do worse things to us than what we do to ourselves in our own heads.
Stop being your own worst enemy. Not telling you to he just happy with yourself immediately, but that you have to look at yourself, see what you got and work with it.
You are a valid, valuable person, no less than anyone else, I have faith that you can master this difficult situation.
It might get difficult and it might even get ugly, but it will get better.

mr.anonymous

I can relate to your post in a lot of ways.

I'm gay and not out to my parents yet. My mother has been on treatment for cancer for the last 1.5 years, and so it is difficult to add to the burden already on my parents with this news.

I finished college three years ago but still remember being gay and the loneliness that comes with it troubling me and negatively impacting on my studies. At this point in your studies you need a short- and long-term plan.

In the short term, you need to first settle the internal conflict - please don't wish you were something you're not in terms of your interests. Everyone is unique in that respect and we all need things like music and soaps to forget life for a while and relax. Don't abandon those past times because you feel they're perceived as less masculine.

Approaching the lgbt society always seemed like a daunting thing to do and it wasn't something I got involved in while in college. Fortunately, a close friend from my course was also gay so I had someone in the same boat to talk to. Having no other lgbt friends might add to your difficulties but your friends are still important to all the other parts of your life - relating to other challenges in your life particularly the academic ones in final year. They'll still be a source of support even if they can't empathise with the struggle of being gay.

You should definitely approach a college doctor or consellor. They won't fix this problem immediately, but meeting with them will provide a means for you to vent and release some of the pressure of all this. They should offer you some coping strategies and reassurance, and might be able to help with academic pressures due to extenuating circumstances. Don't dismiss it because they didn't fix everything in the first session - a counsellor unpacks not eliminates your troubles.

In the longer term, when you finish your studies and start working, you can start to deal with the other issues. Accepting being gay is tough and I'm still on that road myself, further along than when I finished college but still a way to go. I'd recommend books like the Velvet Rage and finding other gay lads as friends through whatever means. There's plenty of gay-themed books, films and documentaries to read and watch that will resonate with you.

Part of the difficulty with coming out is that we can't control the reactions of others. My parents aren't really conservative but, in a lot of ways, having grown up in the 60s in rural Ireland, they're a product of their time. They might have a negative reaction when I finally tell them but I've allowed for that by making sure I'm self-sufficient, which is worth doing in itself. Having your degree in hand and a job this summer is a huge step.

As others have said, this struggle will define you. It is a long term positive. I'm not at the end myself, but I can already see the upside to this. Scar tissue is the foundation of future character...

ironwalk

Going on your last post OP.....

I feel like such a failure, i'm a 22 year old lad who's crying (literally) for someone to properly care and I even hate the fact I'm this weak.

You sound stuck- unsure of what step to take next.
It sounds as if the fear is overwhelming and you are looking for someone to guide you and protect you.
Your parents are not able to do this for you (although that would be a reasonable expectation).

So you have the fear of coming out and being the real you.
You have a fear of being judged for your interests.
You have a fear of your parents reactions.

It seems like you are taking this fear and using it to beat yourself up (hating yourself for being "this weak").

You know, that's fine, to beat yourself up if that's what you want. You can go ahead and spend the next few years doing that. And no-one will blame or judge you.
In a way, it keeps you safe from judgement and pain.

BUT....if you want things to change for you, you have to take the first step. I know it's hard- and lots of the other posters here have agreed.
We can all tell you, but you have to prove it to yourself.
Life is funny that way- as soon as you take a step into the scary unknown, resources and support will appear.
I guarantee it.

But those resources and support won't arrive and knock at your door to ask you to come out to play- you have to do that for yourself.

Anything, any small step is better than beating yourself up, the way that you are now.

What is one small thing that you could do, to make things better?
Is there one person you trust to come out to?
Can you look up the info for the LGBT Soc?
Just one little thing.

GreeBo

OP being lonely and crying has nothing to do with being gay (or not).
Humans need company, when we dont have it we will feel lonely and sad. Lonely & sad people get upset and cry. Thats not a gay thing, its a normal human being thing. It makes you far more "normal" than if none of this upset or bothered you at all.

I echo the other posters who are advising you to go talk to the LGBT guys in college. If nothing else you will have people to sit and talk to and feel less isolated, different and alone.