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Worried that I'm too emotionally distant in relationships

  • 04-04-2018 6:48pm
    #1
    eaglach
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 224 ✭✭


    To sum this up in one sentence, I've realised that in any relationship I've had, I am emotionally distant and I recognise that I need to change, but don't know how.

    To start from the start, I am a gay man (not sure if that makes a difference), and have come out relatively late in life, around 22 or 23 years old I think. I am now 28 and have had very few relationships, and only one serious one.

    I come from a family that is very unaffectionate. They are very loving, but we would never hug, say we love each other or even talk about any problems we have. Ultimately I'd say that's why I am the way I am, but I can't change my upbringing now!

    I have a constant discomfort with opening up to anyone about issues I have or any emotions I'm feeling. Maybe I'm trying to put on this masculine facade to compensate for the years of denial being gay but it's so ingrained in me that I find it impossible to change.

    The serious relationship that I was in for a period, failed because I was very closed off. I would not hold hands, my partners signs of affection, such as putting a hand on my leg, would be shrugged off. I even scoffed at the idea of doing something for Valentines day (suggesting it was only for women) which I think was the straw that broke the camel's back.

    How do I get over this? I've started dating again, and I'm aware of my problem, but the thoughts of forcing myself to be more emotionally open are really worrying! I'm always thinking "if I say XYZ, will he think it's too forward and scare him off?" or "if I say ZYX, will he laugh at me?". I've even been told that I don't handle compliments well.

    I spoke to someone about this before and they suggested I had some self-confidence issues, but I doubt that's it. I'm modest, that's for sure, but I would never think negatively about my own self without good reason. Then again, I would never say I'm very good or special in any particular area.

    So what can I do to get myself to open up more and not feel so uncomfortable and anxious about doing it?


Comments

  • #2
    georgina toadbum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 364 ✭✭georgina toadbum


    Do you want to change? I'm like you, come from a family of 'non-huggers'. I have never been overly affectionate in any relationship I've been in. It's just not my thing. Some partners have had issues with it and tbh, if they've got an issue with it then I'm not the right person for them and they aren't the right person for me.

    I found someone who just doesn't care that I'm not affectionate. The odd time I'll cuddle up on the couch and they get very excited :D but they know that it's a rare thing and are ok with that.

    Maybe you just haven't met the right person? In saying that though, if you want to change I reckon someone else here will give you some great tips.


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