Help with Recovering from Mental Illness

cq52pl0e9sfv7m

I'm 17, 18 this Summer. I've been attending CAMHS since I was 12 for depression and anxiety. I'm in fifth year and I'm hoping to do medicine in college. I've been hospitalised five times and I just got discharged from my most recent hospitalisation today. I've never gotten a clear diagnosis but I'm sure I have borderline personality disorder, my therapist has tested me for this and results showed that it was extremely likely that I have bpd, I've been unable to get an official diagnosis because CAMHS refuses to diagnose and treat personality disorders and have told me that I don't have a personality disorder without testing. I usually wouldn't argue with professionals but they've told people I know who've gone through the same CAMHS the same thing and when they went on to adult services they got diagnosed with a personality disorder.

My depression and derealisation/depersonalisation is really bad, I can't do anything. I can go to school but I can't remember anything or write notes or do homework etc. that's on a good day when I can actually go to school. My plans for the future are honestly looking really bleak, my leaving cert is next year and I never thought these problems would've continued for this long.

Because I'm under 18, I can't do the group DBT sessions and only the one to one side of the therapy and because of school I can only do therapy once a week or once every two weeks. Because I'm not doing the full DBT programme and I'm not attending sessions that regularly my therapist has said that I probably won't find it very effective. Even the doctors at CAMHS have agreed that DBT would be the best therapy for me, I've previously done CBT and art therapy.
I have no motivation and I'm terrified to do my leaving cert because I know I'm not ready to do it. I really feel like a lost cause and just giving up on everything. I've tried so many medications and I'm trying my best to do therapy but I just can't handle everything.

Apologies for the long whiny post. I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me or knew or any alternative route to recovery?

Thanks.

sunnyday1234

Are you on medication ?

santana75

I know you have obstacles in your path, but thats all they are: Obstacles. Something for you to get over and move forward because analysis and psychological labels amount to one thing and thats standing still or even worse, looking backwards. Please stop attaching labels like BPD and dissociation disorder to yourself. They dont make your life better and anything that doesnt serve you, have nothing to do with it.
Have you ever heard of Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor? She was a neuro-scientist who had a stroke via a brain hemorrhage and effectively the left half of her brain shut down. In this condition she couldnt add 2 + 2 or name common household objects. Which seems terrible right? But while this was happening she noticed something else: A feeling of peace, happiness and well being. She felt connected to everyone and everything. It was pure joy and it was because the chatter in her mind had been switched off and when the chatter in your mind has been turned off you realise that you are not your thoughts, youre something else. But normally people cant see this or experience it because their minds stand in the way. But its there, who you really are. This is whats meant to engage with life, not your mind. Your mind is there to solve problems like 2+2, intellectual everyday matters. It was never meant to handle deeper issues like emotions and experiences. But when you retreat into your mind it becomes overwhelmed with everything and this is how peoples minds end up destroying their lives. A device that was meant for you to use to aid your life can end up having the opposite effect.
I dont know your past but obviously something happened to cause you to retreat into your head. Thats ok, children can be overwhelmed very easily. It doesnt matter what happened, you dont have to mine your past and figure it out. You dont have to talk about it with a therapist. The only thing you have to do is to come back into the world and engage with life. Which I know is a simplistic way to describe what needs to happen. But what I do know is that intentions are everything. If your intention is to live and come back into the world, it'll happen. Life has a flow and energy to itself. Dr jill bolte taylor will tell you that, Eckhart tolle(who had a similar experience to Bolte taylor)will tell you that. Also how you talk to yourself is important. If you tell yourself that youre screwed and all that jazz then you will live this out. Start talking to yourself in a hopeful manner. Instead of listing all your diagnostic labels that someone else told you about, start saying that you have some challenges to tackle in life and you will take them on and win. Its not over until you win. Forget the labels and speak to yourself in a hopeful way.
You want to be a doctor, thats great, because of the experiences you have been through in life you will have genuine empathy for your patients which will make you an excellent physician. If being a doctor is your calling and its something that is coming from your heart and not something that you just think will make you money or is a respectable career choice, then it will happen. But if you think of everything thats involved in that it will overwhelm you. Live in day tight compartments. Do all you can do today, then leave it at that. Deal with tomorrow when it comes. Let go of the future, thats not your business. What is your business is that you try, today, and thats it. The past is not your business either, so let it go. Face your fears, let go of the future, let go of the past, let go of labels, start to move forward and unstick yourself. Forget your hospitalizations, they were learning experiences you had to go through, but thats done and dusted. You can have a great life, but its up to you to create that and you do that by having the courage to face life and take it on.

Im not being dismissive of the way you feel right now, but you have a choice: You can choose to be consumed by how you feel right now or you can dig yourself out of this hole youre in. You dont have to wait until you feel better, if you wait until that happens you'll never move and before you know it 10 years have gone by. Do it now. Put up a fight for your life and happiness. Free yourself from medication, you dont need it. Life is enough by itself. Life is magical and you do not need pills to get you through. Youre gonna have to pass through a dark night of the soul to free yourself but you can handle that. But like I said, if your intention is to be free and re-engage with life, it will happen, the path will open up for you step by step. But if your intention is to stay put until you're "fixed" then nothing will happen, you'll dig a deeper and deeper hole and lose the feeling of aliveness thats everyones birth right.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

nothing

Unfortunately it's common practice not to diagnose bpd under the age of 18 as many symptoms are seen as possibly caused by puberty and hormonal changes. It's a horrendous situation to be in; that limbo of no clear diagnosis, of no clear solution.

Would it be possible for you to take a year or so out, put your leaving on hold until you get the help and support that you feel you need and to get to a better head space. There's no rush on the rest of your life, I know many people much older than you who are only just figuring out what they want to do, or being in the position to do it. Your mental health is so much more important than academics and career at this stage of your life.

I have bpd and wasn't diagnosed until age 25, it can be a tricky one. It was such relief having a name on it, having something more concrete that I could research, being able to pinpoint behaviours linked to it and work on them.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and feel free to pm me if you want.

cq52pl0e9sfv7m

nothing wrote: »

Unfortunately it's common practice not to diagnose bpd under the age of 18 as many symptoms are seen as possibly caused by puberty and hormonal changes. It's a horrendous situation to be in; that limbo of no clear diagnosis, of no clear solution.

Would it be possible for you to take a year or so out, put your leaving on hold until you get the help and support that you feel you need and to get to a better head space. There's no rush on the rest of your life, I know many people much older than you who are only just figuring out what they want to do, or being in the position to do it. Your mental health is so much more important than academics and career at this stage of your life.

I have bpd and wasn't diagnosed until age 25, it can be a tricky one. It was such relief having a name on it, having something more concrete that I could research, being able to pinpoint behaviours linked to it and work on them.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and feel free to pm me if you want.

Thanks for your reply,
I'd love to take a year out but I don't even know where I would get support/help because I've exhausted all the resources CAMHS provide and I can't find any private psychiatrist in Kerry that I could go to. I really don't know what to do, I don't even care about a diagnosis I'd just love to get rid of this depression so I can live my life.

cq52pl0e9sfv7m

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

Are you on medication ?

yep

nothing

Mckenna Bitter Armchair wrote: »

Thanks for your reply,
I'd love to take a year out but I don't even know where I would get support/help because I've exhausted all the resources CAMHS provide and I can't find any private psychiatrist in Kerry that I could go to. I really don't know what to do, I don't even care about a diagnosis I'd just love to get rid of this depression so I can live my life.

I'm not positive but I would assume when you hit 18 that you'll be referred to the regional adult mental health service where you'll have access (hopefully) to a dbt program if the diagnosis is bpd.

Redser87

Taking a year out may not be the most helpful thing unless you have a clear way to fill up your days, it may just lead to you retreating further into your head. Would you consider doing a general science degree and then go into GEM - graduate entry medicine? You would still only be 24 or 25 starting out and you'd have that bit more life experience. If you did science in Cork or Dublin you might be more likely to find a private psychiatrist too.

Kitty6277

OP - I can't speak for a personality disorder, but when I was in secondary school, I struggled so bad with anxiety that I couldn't even go into school. I missed the majority of 5th and 6th year, attending for odd days here and there. I knew I wanted to do the LC (well, not wanted, but y'know, I didn't wanna drop out with no prospects at all), so what I did was try and keep in touch with my teachers regarding various projects and such that were due, so that I'd have those aspects of the LC done, and then worked away on study at home myself. While this may not have been the best way to do things, I found it helped me, and I managed to get through the leaving and actually sit the exams. My results were alright, they probably would have been better had I been able to attend school, but given the circumstances, I was happy enough with what I got and was lucky enough to get into univeristy.

So what I'm basically trying to say is that if school is a problem for you but you know that you don't want your mental health problems to hold you back, there is alternative ways other than just going to school 5 days a week like anyone else. Hopefully this is of some help to you and I wish you all the best for the future.

cq52pl0e9sfv7m

Redser87 wrote: »

Taking a year out may not be the most helpful thing unless you have a clear way to fill up your days, it may just lead to you retreating further into your head. Would you consider doing a general science degree and then go into GEM - graduate entry medicine? You would still only be 24 or 25 starting out and you'd have that bit more life experience. If you did science in Cork or Dublin you might be more likely to find a private psychiatrist too.

This was my original plan but I can't even go to school to do the leaving atm. Thanks for your reply.

Redser87

Kitty6277 wrote: »

So what I'm basically trying to say is that if school is a problem for you but you know that you don't want your mental health problems to hold you back, there is alternative ways other than just going to school 5 days a week like anyone else. Hopefully this is of some help to you and I wish you all the best for the future.

This is excellent advice. If you were to meet with your principal and arrange something like this, it could cover many angles. Say if you attended school Monday to Wednesday, this would keep you in touch with your peers and teachers, and give you a routine so you have to get out of bed and go somewhere. Then see a psychiatrist on Thursdays in Cork/ Limerick/ Galway, money permitting of course. Then Friday at home to recharge your batteries and maybe study if you had the energy. The school is obliged to report absences over 20 days in the year to Tusla but if you did have an arrangement in place, they could mention in the report that your reasons for absence are legitimate. I'm not sure how it works once you are over the age of 16 but some hospitals have schools on the wards and in small groups in a classroom - This could allow you to go over things you have missed while you've been in a bad way.

cq52pl0e9sfv7m

Redser87 wrote: »

This is excellent advice. If you were to meet with your principal and arrange something like this, it could cover many angles. Say if you attended school Monday to Wednesday, this would keep you in touch with your peers and teachers, and give you a routine so you have to get out of bed and go somewhere. Then see a psychiatrist on Thursdays in Cork/ Limerick/ Galway, money permitting of course. Then Friday at home to recharge your batteries and maybe study if you had the energy. The school is obliged to report absences over 20 days in the year to Tusla but if you did have an arrangement in place, they could mention in the report that your reasons for absence are legitimate. I'm not sure how it works once you are over the age of 16 but some hospitals have schools on the wards and in small groups in a classroom - This could allow you to go over things you have missed while you've been in a bad way.

This is actually a really good idea, I appreciate the advice.

Eric Cartman

this might be taken up as a mean comment, but one I feel I have to make.

Having seen friends who were completely mentally stable and no sign of any issues go through a medicine degree and go on to become junior doctors, I unfortunately would say to you OP, I suggest you choose something else.

That course and the life of a junior doctor would stress mental health to the limit in almost anybody and having read your initial post (especially about troubles with anxiety and bpd) I think you may be setting yourself up for failure.