Crap at communicating and asserting myself

wylo

Hey,

So Im with my girlfriend about a year, we're both early 30s, and although its going well I cant help but think it could be going either much better , or the opposite (even if it was for the best) if I was better at communicating.

We have not had one proper argument yet, and this is because my entire life I have avoided arguments.

Ive always been pretty crap at asserting myself. I usually find ways around the issues and tbf I dont let things that are REALLY bothering me drag on.

But the reality is I avoid fighting and conflict completely. Although please dont confuse this with me being really passive about everything. I am ok at expressing what I want and leading on things, but generally only if I think its a positive thing.

There are things that I let fester in my head and I cant figure out a way of dealing with this issue. Some of them are small and some are big.

Like, for instance, she is waaay too touchy feel for me. Always holding hands, always arm in arm, etc. I grew up in a family not like this and although I enjoy it a bit, I would probably like about 20% of what we are doing. And Id probably enjoy that 20% alot more! I cant seem to just say it to her, instead I tolerate it.

On how we meet up, its always Saturday and Sunday and we've been following this routine pretty much since we started going out as it suits her. I would love something a little more regular but perhaps a little less full on at the weekend. I love being with her and it feels totally chilled but the reality is I am more free mid week than she is and so as far as she is concerned it makes the most sense that we meet on weekends.

But this means I basically dont do anything else on weekends, be it friends, other hobbies, interests etc. And again, its because even though I have sort of expressed an issue with it I have never let it get to a point that its a problem that both of us need to resolve.

Even when lying in bed I love a nice snuggle but if I am going to sleep I need to curl up into my own ball and I find it hard to simply tell I want my physical space.

Its not like I dont say anything thats bothering me, I do, I try and find a way , the problemis I dont let it become a thing. I sort of say it and if it half falls on deaf ears I tolerate it rather than get pissed off.

Sometimes I feel like I have too much empathy and are more worried about what others think.

The problem then is a mild anger starts to develop and instead I withdraw rather than communicate.

I know you could say "sit her down and have a chat" etc, but that is very issue! I cant seem to do that.

I am wondering has anyone any advice on dealing with this? Any books or anything like that?

I can honestly picture a much fuller happier and healthier relationship between the two of us if I wasnt afraid of having difficult issues, arguments or even awkward moments.

jimbobaloobob

In many ways your problem sounds like a great one.
Lots of affection so you know she's mad about you
Regular meet up albeit maybe too regular
No real arguments ( not that I think anyone needs to have arguments if communication is happening)

Maybe you need to read something on communication skills. Or talk to a relationship councillor for some advice how to tick the boxes on the things that bother you.

Ursus Horribilis

Wylo, is this the same girlfriend you were having serious doubts about a year ago? The one I thought you were trying to talk yourself into a relationship with? Because although I believe you need help with your assertiveness issues, there are deeper issues than this going on in this relationship.

I think you could do with going to talk to a counsellor, perhaps for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. They'll know better than I do. You've got this ingrained way of behaving and it's not healthy. Whether that's at the root of the issues you're having with your girlfriend, I don't know. But it is pretty serious when you can't actually hold a conversation with her about what you want from the relationship. I don't think this is something you can sort by yourself - you need to talk to a professional.

wylo

Yep you’re right! I need to talk to a professional about this actually. It’s not just a bit of relationship advice I need! It’s going well with her and yet I can’t imagine how happy and chilled I’d feel if I wasn’t carrying these kind of deeper issues.

Also that’s good of you to remember!!

gaynorvader

One piece of advice I'd like to add. If you do end up confronting her with these issues DO NOT unload them all at once. Maybe bring one up once or twice a month, it can be overwhelming to have someone unload a bunch of small issues they have with you all at once and can create the impression they hate you. Whereas something small popping up every now and then seems natural.

LolaJJ

I used to be exactly like this!!

Sometimes it's also a sign that you're not really with the right person for you too though. What really is the benefit of being in a relationship if you can't be relaxed and open with each other. You mention never arguing - but NONE of the things you listed about things you aren't comfortable with are big enough to cause a proper argument, well, unless they all build up.

And, as I'm sure you feel already, now a year has passed, it's pretty difficult to turn around and point out that you prefer to sleep on our own side of the bed.

It's really important in life in general, not just relationships - to learn how to say no. I did a course in this, and actually, what it translates to is making sure that you are always saying YES to yourself....

When you agree to doing something for someone else that makes you uncomfortable it's impossible not to build up a resentment towards that other person making you do it....even though they may not even realise there's an issue and that's where your communication breaks down.

Obviously, I'm talking in the context of your post and not life in general, sometimes we all have to suck it up because it's the right thing to do.

I imagine after a year your girlfriend has noticed that you maybe aren't very assertive. Sitting down for a heart - to - heart isn't something you're comfortable doing so maybe, as each situation arises start to tackle them, one by one.

It's going to be all about the delivery. So, if it's wanting to catch up with your friends and do something separate to her at the weekend

Maybe let her know, a good bit in advance, that you have made other plans and throw in something sweet like "I love that our relationship is now in a really solid place and we can mix up our date nights a bit, we should do more stuff during the week too" So she'll feel like she's gaining instead of losing.

Similarly, sleep etiquette, next time why not say "I love our cuddles, but actually I need to make sure I get a full nights sleep tonight, I normally lie awake and enjoy them but I sleep better over here, we can save them till morning" etc.

Just try to flip it on its head so you don't feel like you're being negative or confrontational.

And work towards eventually being able to just say NO or I don't enjoy that from the start - that self-validation is actually pretty powerful and you''ll be surprised at how quickly you'll start to run with it and feel a lot more confident and content x

ironwalk

Great post LolaJJ.

Wylo, yeah, being assertive is a gift to yourself. And if you've been seeing her for a year, really, it should be comfortable enough to have a bit of a row, to be able to say "not this weekend, I need to spend time with the lads" etc.

So it's either your own communication style that needs a bit of work, or she's not the right person for you.

I often think that having a row with someone is a great way to get to know the real them...can they be reasonable, and can they fix the relationship afterwards? Those are important skills for the long run.