Was she just being nice?

stagdilemma

With my girlfriend a little over 6 months. She earns a lot more than me, maybe x5 times, this is no shame or secret, we're open about it. She likes to do nice things and will usually pay for things and is happy to do so as long as I contribute as best I can.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned there was a stag coming up that I would like to go to but was going to have to miss due to lack of funds, it was no issue to miss it, he's not a close-close pal, she had a few drinks on her but said "I'll pay for you to go, you shouldn't miss out on it". The next day, when she was sober she made a point of saying that she meant what she said about the stag.

It's on in the middle of May and the lads are now looking for booking deposits, I told them I can go now and they've calculated the costs based on that. I can actually pay the deposit myself - but I don't want to if she's not going to give me the rest of it. I feel completely torn now as I was a small but disappointed to miss it but that's life, I've committed my money to other things.

I've brought up the stag twice in the past week and she's said nothing about her offer. At the same time - I feel like a useless dick saying "Can I please have the money to go on the stag"...

Do I just tell the lads I can't go at this stage and let it go, or do I just tell her I've paid the deposit and thanks for helping me with the rest, I honestly don't want her to feel like I'm taking advantage? Equally I don't want her to think I'm a martyr for not bringing it up again and not going and I don't feel like I have the words to ask for it.

It was such a non-issue and I feel like her kindness in offering has turned it in to something I'm stressing about now

There are a lot of random posts like these of recent times with newly registered people.

stagdilemma

Deleted User wrote: »

There are a lot of random posts like these of recent times with newly registered people.

I wanted to post anon but the capcha thing isn't working so had to create a new account. My apologies Julie

RoebuckWilson

If I were you, I would rather miss the stag than feel like I'm being paid for. Never-mind the awkwardness of asking her for the money.

I mean, there is no benefit whatsoever to her. Ye are also going out a very short period, so I would wonder whether she's just trying to make you happy without really thinking about whether she can afford it, or not?

If you can drop out, I would. I would rather do that anyway than feel like I'm enjoying myself on someone else's dime, who isn't even there.

stagdilemma

stagdilemma wrote: »

I wanted to post anon but the capcha thing isn't working so had to create a new account. My apologies Julie

Ah fair enough! I was suspicious otherwise as a lot of trolling has happened of recent times. I think I’d let it go and not go if I were you as no more has been said by her on the topic and I generally find paying your own way works best in relationships (until after marriage anyway).

silverharp

I'd be inclined not to take the money however I see no harm in borrowing some but make sure you pay it back over x months. Or just say you have decided not to go as its not worth the hassle

Hitman3000

julie101 wrote:

There are a lot of random posts like these of recent times with newly registered people.

Thinking the same myself.....

Hitman3000

stagdilemma wrote:

Do I just tell the lads I can't go at this stage and let it go, or do I just tell her I've paid the deposit and thanks for helping me with the rest, I honestly don't want her to feel like I'm taking advantage? Equally I don't want her to think I'm a martyr for not bringing it up again and not going and I don't feel like I have the words to ask for it.

You tell the lads you can't go. You expect someone else to pay for you to go on the lash. Grow up.

Tell me how

RoebuckWilson wrote:

I mean, there is no benefit whatsoever to her. Ye are also going out a very short period, so I would wonder whether she's just trying to make you happy without really thinking about whether she can afford it, or not?

Of course there's a benefit in helping your partner to do something they might enjoy. Financial interactions within romantic relationships are not always the same as in business or platonic ones. They can be, but in this case, I think she is just trying to help out.

OP, are you temporarily unable to afford this or do you expect the wage gap to narrow in the near future. If so, I'd accept but offer to payback or return the favour somehow.

However, if this gap is expected to be permanent, are ye really compatible or is money always going to be an issue?

stagdilemma

Hitman3000 wrote: »

You tell the lads you can't go. You expect someone else to pay for you to go on the lash. Grow up.

I don't expect it at all! That's the whole point of this thread. I was happy to let it go until she offered!

Tell me how wrote: »

OP, are you temporarily unable to afford this or do you expect the wage gap to narrow in the near future. If so, I'd accept but offer to payback or return the favour somehow.

However, if this gap is expected to be permanent, are ye really compatible or is money always going to be an issue?

Well, it's a little more complicated. She wanted to go on a big holiday last month and offered to pay for the whole thing, I insisted on paying half....this put me under a bit of financial strain - largely because it was a last minute thing. So I think she was trying to make up for that.

We're really compatible, the money thing isn't really an issue, she's brought it up a few times to express that she doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable or emasculated and that she knows she has expensive tastes so to let her look after the money side of things. I think she is more fine with it than I am, I feel a little uncomfortable at times but then I worry that's my ego.

Hitman3000

stagdilemma wrote:

I don't expect it at all! That's the whole point of this thread. I was happy to let it go until she offered!

Then say nothing as she has said no more about herself. She failed to take the hint you have dropped twice about the stag. Leave it be.

osarusan

stagdilemma wrote: »

We're really compatible, the money thing isn't really an issue, she's brought it up a few times to express that she doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable or emasculated and that she knows she has expensive tastes so to let her look after the money side of things. I think she is more fine with it than I am, I feel a little uncomfortable at times but then I worry that's my ego.

It's a tough one. No matter how much both partners agree that money isn't an issue, it always is in situations like this, in particular when it isn't even a joint holiday, but something just for the partner with less money.

I don't really want to criticise anybody here, but at the same time, part of me thinks that, having made and reiterated the offer, she should be aware of how difficult/embarrassing it could be for her partner to have to remind her/bring up the issue.

georgina toadbum

Kind of an awkward situation to be in. Happened me before where an ex told me he'd pay for something and I told everyone that I was going and then he didn't actually have the money to give it to me.

If I was in the situation again I'd just say that you can't go. Say that you thought you had the funds but were wrong. I wouldn't rely on anyone else to give you the money, especially if it's a new-ish relationship.

never_mind

Pay your own way OP and don't take her up on future offers as she may just be all talk!

Can you not ask for a loan off a family member, one of the lads, a bank...? Borrowing off an OH isn't a bright idea.

facehugger99

If you can't afford to pay for yourself you shouldn't be going. It really is that simple.

Going to a stag is a discretionary spend. It's not a life or death situation. How you ever felt it was appropriate to accept your girlfriend's offer to pay for you is beyond me.

kirving

facehugger99 wrote: »

If you can't afford to pay for yourself you shouldn't be going. It really is that simple.

Going to a stag is a discretionary spend. It's not a life or death situation. How you ever felt it was appropriate to accept your girlfriend's offer to pay for you is beyond me.

Yeah, you should never accept anything beyond essentials like food and water from your partner, ever. Stay at home parents in particular should never go out with friends unless paid for by themselves....

Come on, that's absolutely ridiculous. I happen to earn very close to what my Girlfriend does, but if the situation were different I would never begrudge paying for niceties for her - it's what couples do, and I would expect the same from her.

OP, if you feel the situation is awkward, I would suggest not asking her this time around. Don't hold it against here though, she's probably forgotten, but leave it to her. Tell the lads you can't afford to book it at the moment and take it on the chin, as crap as it is.

stagdilemma

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm a tad bewildered by the responses aggressively asserting that I shouldn't ever expect her to pay for things. I'm deducing that these contributors simply did not read the full thread.

I wasn't that fussed about the stag, a small bit disappointed but honestly thought it was really thoughtful she was willing to pay.

That said, now the time is nearing I have felt uncomfortable being paid for as throughout the relationship I have made it very clear to her that it's important to me to always make a contribution. I had previously thought this was a sign of my own insecurity or weak ego as she can be quite insistent, however on reflection, perhaps this is just basic decency.

I've told the lads I can't go, I fell between two stools with them including me in the number crunching based on her promise to pay and I was getting stressed about offending her or messing them up.

I'll let her know that I wasn't comfortable with her paying (the truth), hopefully she won't be offended by that.

Hitman3000

stagdilemma wrote:

I'll let her know that I wasn't comfortable with her paying (the truth), hopefully she won't be offended by that.

Why say anything if she has forgotten? Possibly another hint? When the first 2 didn't achieve the desired affect.

never_mind

Hitman3000 wrote: »

Why say anything if she has forgotten? Possibly another hint? When the first 2 didn't achieve the desired affect.

Bit harsh...? Once the OP has mentioned it to his OH that he is not going she will probably quiz him on it and then feel guilty. OP, let her ask you about it and don't bring it up like that.

You are not married at this point. Yes, buying each other the odd take away or little present is completely fine but funding someone's weekend away is another thing altogether as another poster hinted to above. I'm not saying that you are being unfair, OP, I'm just saying that it isn't a good move.

Hitman3000

never_mind wrote:

Bit harsh...? Once the OP has mentioned it to his OH that he is not going she will probably quiz him on it and then feel guilty. OP, let her ask you about it and don't bring it up like that.

He has already mentioned it twice and no I don't think it's harsh. She has clearly decided not to fund his trip any further mention seems to be only to guilt her into paying. That's assuming of course he intends mentioning it before the rest of the lads go.

Tell me how

Hitman3000 wrote:

He has already mentioned it twice and no I don't think it's harsh. She has clearly decided not to fund his trip any further mention seems to be only to guilt her into paying. That's assuming of course he intends mentioning it before the rest of the lads go.

Think you're being unnecessarily judgemental here and unless you know her in real life, can't possibly state that anything is clear.

Hitman3000

Tell me how wrote:

Think you're being unnecessarily judgemental here and unless you know her in real life, can't possibly state that anything is clear.

Well he claims he mentioned the stag twice she failed to react, so to me that's a pretty clear indication to me she has no interest in the topic. Of course it's up to the OP if they want to badger to their GF to fund his trip, personally I don't think it would be worth the aggro. Anyway my take is if you want a weekend on the lash pay for it yourself, resulting in no problem.

iamwhoiam

Why can't you treat it as a loan ? Let her lend you the money and pay it back over a few months ? If you can't afford that then don't go .

Pelvis

I assume this is just a weekend away? Why don't you just get a small credit union loan to cover it?

OldMrBrennan83

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