Do I help or protect myself at this point?

LegacyUser

Hi guys. Looking for some perspectives.

I'm 32 and BF is 29. Together almost 8 years. We don't live together, but spend 3/4 nights together. Mainly due to working in different cities. BF experiences bouts of untreated anxiety and OCD. Every Sunday is the classic 'Sunday Blues'. Hates his job, hates Ireland, hates Dublin, hates whatever hobbies he has. He's an overthinker, who catastrophises to a degree I've rarely seen anywhere else.

Over the years I've been there for every episode, no problem, phone calls, visits. Even when they accompany discussions about wanting to travel, and get away essentially. Each and every time I have never ever stood in his way. Encouraged it tbh. Probably to my own head's detriment. That being said, he is so anxious of what might/might not happen that he does nothing proactively. He'll go on city breaks with me or his friends, but this doesn't count as travel to him. He hated his last job, got a new, very well paid one which allows him to spend time on his sports. Still hates it.

I've led a relatively hectic/successful few years personally and have 2 more years remaining on a big project after which I'm hoping to take a breather! I suppose I thought he'd have gotten to grips with what he wants in life, in the same time frame that I've been figuring out what I wanna do. I've worked really hard for the last 5/6 years. And tbh, kids/biological clock has started ticking loudly. Which he is on board with. I had miscarriage a year ago, which we were both cut up over. But the last thing I want is a resentful man is 20 years time cos I kept him home.

We as two people are great together. Which is probably something that does stop him travelling or anything. We both know as individuals go, we are it for each other. We fit really well!! Our two families are close as a result. All that! But maybe that isn't enough.
I just don't know how to help anymore. I have tried encouraging CBT, talk therapies, GPS visits. He's tried them but gives up without results. Tough love too! It's like the grass is always greener but he won't go try it out.

Either way, I'm probably becoming too used to the routine. It's just dawning on me that this isn't getting better and no matter what I say or do, he doesn't want to fix anything for himself. But now, more than anything, I don't want to waste anymore of my own time. Selfish I know. I'm just worried that the rug will be pulled from under me.

Any ideas or advice would be appreciated.

Jasper_

8YearsNoneTheWiser wrote: »

I don't want to waste anymore of my own time. Selfish I know.

How is this selfish? You have a finite amount of time, you get to chose who you spend it with. If you are unhappy and feel things will not change, move on. Don't let how he would take it factor in to your decision, he will get over it in time and may even grow from it.

facehugger99

8YearsNoneTheWiser wrote: »

Any ideas or advice would be appreciated.

It kinda sounds like you're enabling him at the moment TBH.

Maybe show him what you've written here. Ask him is he willing to change.
Give him 2 weeks of space and tell him you want him to think about what future he wants.

Tell him you want to see real changes and not talk or declarations.

If nothing changes then you need to decide what's best for you.

cbmonstra

Could you maybe plan to both go traveling when your big project is completed in 2 years?

That would give him a focus, and something to look forward to, and you would be able to share the experience also. If commitment and getting married is important, that's something you could do while traveling and would be quite romantic I think.

Maybe a bit of a grand design, but might be something worth discussing with your partner.

Anne1982h

cbmonstra wrote: »

Could you maybe plan to both go traveling when your big project is completed in 2 years?

That would give him a focus, and something to look forward to, and you would be able to share the experience also. If commitment and getting married is important, that's something you could do while traveling and would be quite romantic I think.

Maybe a bit of a grand design, but might be something worth discussing with your partner.

I would be worried in this scenario that traveling is with the expectation things would be better abroad however with his anxiety and OCD he will be bringing his problems with him. I don’t know what the answer is but I would be wary about bringing a child into the world to a father and relationship that has all of these issues. Stability is key here. It could be time for an ultimatum that he needs to commit to a therapist to sort out his issues and it could be worth delving into what is behind his obsession with traveling when he never follows through on it.... again it sounds to me like trying to run away from his issues so I don’t think factoring in a travel plan will solve anything just have you back after travel no further along your plans for stability and a family.

qwerty13

Protect yourself.

I have every sympathy for his issues, but he is doing nothing to help himself. Do you want this life you currently have with him forever? The constantly having to look after him / try to build him up, when he is doing nothing to attempt to sort out his issues. When does he mind you OP? It all sounds very one-sided. He may be a nice guy, but he sounds utterly draining. I couldn’t be around such constant negitivity myself. It sounds like he’s blaming everything around him, rather than accept that his problems/issues lie within him.

I think it would be a big mistake to bring a child into this relationship, it sounds quite broken. Unless you are prepared to have a kid with him and effectively be a single parent.

qwerty13

I think living together may be a bit of an eye-opener as to how much more of this you can take.

I gather you really don’t want to break up, and that circumstances would make it difficult to live together, but is there any way you could try that before doing something so permanent as having a child with him.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you're at ultimatum time here. Even though you obviously love this guy, I think there is a very unhealthy dynamic to this relationship. You're enabling him and I wonder is there a bit of co-dependency going on here? You're so long together, your perception of "normal" has become distorted.

Looking at this, I'm wondering what exactly does he have to offer you? It looks more like you're his mammy than his girlfriend. You're putting up with an awful lot here and I don't think you can see it any more.

I think you could do with talking to a counsellor by yourself to see things more clearly. And perhaps to gain an insight into his mental health issues. It's good that you're finally starting to realise that this isn't getting any better and that it's having an effect on you.

Mr. Incognito

You are not living together

He sounds like he has serious health issues

Life is attitude, If you have a negative attitude its a miserable existence.

I'd get out personally.

Debtocracy

The positives are he’s in a good job, he’s on board with having children, personality wise you’re both compatible and your families get on well together. On the negative side, the type of person you’ve described seems like someone with anxious or obsessive personality traits. Basically, someone who’s anxiety is likely to be chronic rather than in reaction to stress. This doesn’t mean it’s not manageable, but just don’t expect it to ever disappear completely, even with therapy.

The ‘I hate everything’ is actually more concerning than his mental health difficulties. Maybe his anxiety has prevented him from achieving his potential and he’s projecting his resentment at the world, which could one day get projected onto you.

I’m not sure an ultimatum is a good idea as it’s a kind power play and he will probably end up resented you then. Instead you can test the waters in a more stepwise way. Anxiety is all about avoidance, both in terms of situations in the real world and avoiding emotional expression. The more stuff is avoided, the scarier it becomes. So try to gradually push him a bit more both in terms of emotional expression and socialising/travelling. Talking to him about the concerns you’ve mentioned will help to model the right kind of communication. If his reaction is always avoidant, what’s the point, we’ll do it next year etc., it’s not a good sign.

From the heading of your post though it sounds like you’ve checked out of the relationship already. ‘Protecting’ yourself from your partner is quite a strong term. Relationships where the women feels like a carer don’t tend to end well. But there’s nothing to lose by trying to improve the relationship and see how it goes. Also, be aware that while there’s plenty of other emotionally stable, assertive men out there, they could easily wreck your head in different ways too, may not want kids, may be too laidback etc.

zoobizoo

8YearsNoneTheWiser wrote: »

Hates his job, hates Ireland, hates Dublin, hates whatever hobbies he has. He's an overthinker, who catastrophises to a degree I've rarely seen anywhere else.

he is so anxious of what might/might not happen that he does nothing proactively.

He hated his last job, got a new, very well paid one which allows him to spend time on his sports. Still hates it.


.

Has he tried medication?

Has he given exact reasons for hating the things he hates about his job, Ireland, /Dublin?

Those hates are just masking something deeper...

I used to hate Ireland because I was focusing on others... I travelled, learned a lot about myself and now as an adult I know I can choose to live here or live abroad. In the meantime, there are things I still dislike about Ireland, but I also know that I am not willing to try to change them.

The words I was using and the negativity I was projecting was as a person who felt that I had no ability to change... I hate this, but I don't have the confidence to make changes.

That could be the crux to this - he has no confidence and rather than face that and try to build up his self esteem, he just hates things - but possibly hates himself more.

MissShihTzu

I think you know the answer, OP. Your boyfriend is doing nothing to help himself. You're still a young woman. If this continues, you will be in the same situation, eaten alive by regret and resentment. Is that want you want?

ironwalk

Debtocracy wrote: »

I’m not sure an ultimatum is a good idea as it’s a kind power play and he will probably end up resented you then. Instead you can test the waters in a more stepwise way. Anxiety is all about avoidance, both in terms of situations in the real world and avoiding emotional expression. The more stuff is avoided, the scarier it becomes. So try to gradually push him a bit more both in terms of emotional expression and socialising/travelling. Talking to him about the concerns you’ve mentioned will help to model the right kind of communication. If his reaction is always avoidant, what’s the point, we’ll do it next year etc., it’s not a good sign.


See, I don't think this is a good idea at all.
None of us have the ability to change another person- if he wants thing to change and is actively looking for advice and direction, that would be different.

Reading between the lines of the OP, it sounds as if you are coming to a crunch point. He seems to have fallen into quite a negative pattern, but it isn't having any major ramifications for him (girlfriend, job, family, potential kids etc.).

But for you- well, do you want an adult child to care for, or a partner in life?

You asked if you protect yourself or help.... you can't help if you don't look after your own needs first.

orthsquel

The last line of your post.... you feel like the rug is going to get pulled from underneath you.

I think you and your partner need to sit and have a long chat. I'm presuming that the direction you're going is after the project you'd like to settle down, have kids, a house, all that, with him. So what is the rug that is going to get pulled from underneath you? That he'll turn around and not want that, with a desire to be free and travel and be resentful for ever after being saddled with a child and a house and responsibilities and up and leave you?

I can appreciate you have 8 years and a lot invested in this relationship. It's a lot to walk away from, or to even consider walking away from.

It sounds to me you need to hear something from your partner and you need to know the score from them. Not about children, family, a house and a future. You need to know if they are going to get their life together and sort themselves out. concrete plans, actual action and committment to that. And you need the honesty if he has no intention to do that. You need to know from him, if he is going to stay as is, or is he going to resolve his issues himself, for himself, or not and stay as is.

Why have you been in this relationship for 8 years? I know you're compatable but how long did you stick around after hearing he'd sort himself but then not, the first few times you heard it?

I can certainly appreciate he has mental health issues, but putting that aside, it's unfair to you to be expected to wait while he considers maybe resolving his issues or refuses to, flip flopping if having a family, a house, all that is what you want for yourself.

You can't be expected, no matter how much you love him, to wait to plan a future, to deal with responsibilities, while he doesn't face up to his own situation. Even if it's not about having a family, it's about having that security and certainty and that committment to making a change for himself. And yes you should be thinking of you too - you talk about him resenting 20 years down the line missing out on travel (something he won't get help with his issues to actually achieve) when it could be 20 years down the line, you resenting him because you didn't have the future you wanted with him and could have had with someone else.

LegacyUser

Everyone! OP here.

Thanks you so much for all the responses.
To be honest, I'm going to have to spend some time with them all. Many are are my own thoughts but when someone else says them, it feels different. Like a smack of reality that I'd been avoiding.

This Sunday was a strange one, it's like I said to myself 'not this again'. Rather than supporting him, which I feel bad for doing less and less, I thought about my own life. Hence the post.

I think a long talk and then some space might be an option. But the last poster just said something that I wasn't aware of - I could become the resentful one. I just didn't occur to me!

Thank you guys for the insights. If it goes south, I'll be back!

suicide_circus

Some brief observations.

Firstly, being with someone with the negative personality traits you describe is extremely draining. Ive witnessed something similar in my own family. It wears you down. Even if he accepts he has a problem and gets treatment, this stuff will never fully go away. A lot of us hate our jobs. We just know to STFU about it and not constantly wreck other people's heads with moaning. He needs to recognise how big an issue this is now.

Secondly, you're experiencing the 7/8 year itch and wondering whether the grass is indeed greener on the other side. It might be. It might not be. You're together since you're quite young and you may be wondering if you've missed out on some variety.

You're 32 now and in a relationship with a sometimes difficult and exasperating but otherwise ultimately decent and loving man who wants children and a future with you. I'd imagine there are some who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

CantReplyAnon

Everyone! OP here. I was reading replied but couldn't reply with as an anon.
Thanks you so much for all the responses.

To be honest, I'm going to have to spend some time with them all. Many are are my own thoughts but when someone else says them, it feels different. Like a smack of reality that I'd been avoiding. I have to be totally honest and say that I really don't want to walk away from this relationship. That said, I've typically reduced it to a once-a-week problem, and hoping he'll get some support sometime. Truthfully, I know its more than that, and I've been hoping that he's see the importance of getting treatment of some kind.

This Sunday was a strange one, it's like I said to myself 'not this again'. Rather than supporting him, which I feel bad over doing less and less, I thought about my own future. Hence the post. Your insights really highlight both sets of thought I have - this isn't going to get better by itself, but also not wanting to throw this away.

I think a long talk and then some space might be an option which would work for me. But one of the last posters said something that I wasn't aware of - I could become the resentful one in 2040. I just didn't occur to me! I'm away for a few days now, working. So it will give me time to digest these comments and ideas.

Thank you guys for the insights. I'd been looking at the replies behind a pillow, but genuinely I feel little a relieved that its natural for feeling a bit worn out. I really would like to make it work, but as many of you have said, this might one of those things that is out of my hands. If so, I really can't say I've not been supportive.

zoobizoo

Hey OP,

As someone who was a bit like your partner at that age, I'd suggest that you get him to talk to a proper professional. Not a counsellor or a life coach but Emotional Focused Therapy or a behavioural psychologist.

My anger with the world was due to a complete lack of confidence and an unrealistic view of how I felt the world should be.

There's a good book that I read called The Feeling Good Handbook and it's a good place for your partner to start.

The more I started to do for me, the more I became myself if that makes sense.

With regards hatred of work - that needs to be broken down... is it the work? the hours? the boss? the pay? the stress?

CantReplyAnon

zoobizoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

With regards hatred of work - that needs to be broken down... is it the work? the hours? the boss? the pay? the stress?

I'll take a look at the book, and pass it on to him (hopefully).

He doesn't like the industry he's in. He'd like to change, but again, too cautious to do so! He even has a sense of what he's like to be at but won't go it. I'm more of a 'to hell with the consequences' when it comes to that kind of thing. So I can't really fathom it at times.

zoobizoo

I think that it's impossible for someone who doesn't have anxiety / esteem issues to understand how it effects those type of decisions.

And it frustrates those who aren't like that - all they see is someone procrastinating or making promises to change and then nothing ever gets done. "I'd love to own my own coffee shop?" - "okay, what's stopping you? What's holding you back? Let's get down to the nuts and bolts".

So in the past, friends of mine who wouldn;t realise that I lack confidence couldn't understand why I wouldn't do certain things, ask certain women out, go for particular jobs, do things I would say I was going to do

And I think that's where your partner is at at the moment. He feels that he can't change career due to some fear and so he gets angry about it. He wants to be more X but he's holding himself back. "Why can others just do what they want?" "Why can't Ireland be more like Spain?" "I wish X, Y, Z"

All of the above might just be me projecting but it might be worth exploring.

You are not his therapist though - so while you can be there for him, it's not up to you to cure him.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

It sounds like your partner is so consumed by anxieties and potential disasters changes will cause that he's possibly pushing away the one real positive he has.

It sounds like you really love him and he has his positives. But his headspace is not good.... and certainly not sustainable for you or him.

That "Getting away" dream is nonsense...as you say - the grass is always greener, but wherever you go, you have to take yourself with you.

I'd sit down with him, tell him you love him, want a future with him but the life you want with him seems to be getting further away instead of closer. You're aware that your desire to nurture and support him is potentially making the problem worse - certainly not helping it to go away. So maybe see what his thoughts are on taking a little space for a while to allow him to figure out how to get on track and be his own strong person so you can both be good together.

Don't deliver ultimatums, just present this as an alternative way of helping him to the current method which is not having any long-term benefits.

It sounds like you guys could have a good thing and 8 years is a long time. Maybe worth a try x