I abandoned my child

LegacyUser

As the heading states I did not acknowledge my own child over twenty years ago.
It's quite hard for me to write this and I can imagine what you may think of me but please there are two sides to every story.

Back in my twenties I was off the rails, serious drug user, no money and emotionally, mentally and financially not in a position to bring up a child.

I had a brief relationship with a female. She was also off the rails. At the start when it became physical the one question I asked and I did ask, was can she get pregnant or was she on contraceptive. She guarranteed me she cannot get pregnant due to something internally.

The relationship ended after a couple of months, she ended it abruptly. I never spoke to her again but heard a few months later she was pregnant and innocently passed on my best wishes.
She announced it was by some guy from another city.
Rumours started and one or two acquaintances said it was mine others not.

At that time I could not mentally deal with this. I was just on the back of other mental issues I had to deal with.

We passed on the street a couple of times months after the break up and she never said anything to me.

About a year after we broke up She came to my work and said you know I had a child, well it's yours. I was in shock. And she arrived back in with a photo to which I bawled my eyes out that night. I then made a decision I did not and could not rear a child and tried to bury it in my head.

Only once more did we speak and she angrily said did I not want to see him where I stated she admitted infidelity during our time. This ended in me getting a smack.


For over twenty years I've being trying to deal with this myself. Since then I've turned my life around, rebuilt myself and focus on my marriage and kids now. I work extremely hard now for them. I don't do drugs or go out, I've completely walked away from who I was.

Until last year I always had doubts about paternity. I regularly typed in the boys and the Mothers name into social media hoping to find something. Then last year I found it, the boys page and for the first time I saw that he was my Son, staring back at me. But I also knew I could not contact him as I had no right.
I never found a page for his Mother and even though I was very angry and scared twenty years ago I wished we would have a chance meeting so I could say sorry.

Finally, I typed in her name and up came one hit. She died recently to which I am still shocked. Even though I never wanted to speak to her again this has floored me to say the least.
I wish I had time to apologise and I always wish that I would be approached by the boy to which I would of course welcome but know I cannot approach him as I have no right to. I don't even know does he know about me.

I'm asking for help, I know I don't deserve it, but people can change.
What can I do if anything?

MissShihTzu

How do you know the child is indeed yours?

Let's say he is. I'm not sure what if anything you can do. The child is over 18, so you can't demand DNA to give you proof. Neither csn you demand to see your son. The ball is in his court.

Are you in touch in any way with the mother's family? Maybe start there? But you're going to have to play this very carefully. The last thing you need to go charging in like a bull in a china shop.

Hope you can get something sorted.

julyjane

Have you discussed this with your wife?

I would say contact him, what have you got to lose? You cab break the ice by saying you were a friend of his mother's and were sad to hear of her passing, then tell him what you suspect. For all you know he knows who you are and has also been checking out your online profile.

He could very well want nothing to do with you but if you don't get you'll never know

LegacyUser

I've never met the Mothers family and wouldn't know them if I saw them.
I know now he is mine because of two things, firstly it was mentioned to me by a random colleague about my secret ( this was about 18 years ago) and secondly, when I saw his picture online I just knew he was my biological child.

In regards to my Wife. Can I say what a very understanding, kind and wise woman. Yes I told her of my situation before we got married over 15 years ago, I also told her when I found his picture online last year ( but didn't show the picture) and now have told her about the boys Mothers death.

I don't have an online presence as I'm extremely private but am seriously considering starting one.

I really wish there was a way to send a message without causing upset to all involved.

Dog walker 1234

Firstly, you deserve praise for getting your life together. You cannot rewind time - you made your decision in the past and you have to accept that and live with the guilt of how you treated the mother of your son. She is now gone but you still have a chance to meet your son.

Discuss this step with your OH as you will need their support. Make contact by letter, where you put down your thoughts. By this way, you leave it up to him whether he wishes to have contact with you. Go slowly as this will be a huge step for him and you. Prepare yourself in case it doesn't work out.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I've never met the Mothers family and wouldn't know them if I saw them.
I know now he is mine because of two things, firstly it was mentioned to me by a random colleague about my secret ( this was about 18 years ago) and secondly, when I saw his picture online I just knew he was my biological child.

In regards to my Wife. Can I say what a very understanding, kind and wise woman. Yes I told her of my situation before we got married over 15 years ago, I also told her when I found his picture online last year ( but didn't show the picture) and now have told her about the boys Mothers death.

I don't have an online presence as I'm extremely private but am seriously considering starting one.

I really wish there was a way to send a message without causing upset to all involved.

Fakediamond

I wonder if you could have a chat with a Social Worker who works in the area of reconnecting adoptees with their birth parents? They may be able to advise/assist you in reaching out to your son. Done correctly, with professional assistance, you have the possibility of making positive contact with your son.

I definitely wouldn’t advise blundering in yourself or via social media. Much better to tread carefully and seek help from the experts. He might not want contact or could be delighted to know there are other blood relatives and siblings out there. It’s going to be a painful journey for everyone but you sound like you want to do the honourable thing and that’s a great starting point. You’re not the same person now as the immature, irresponsible and no doubt frightened person you were back then.

Good luck to you.

Dial Hard

MissShihTzu wrote:

How do you know the child is indeed yours?

From my reading of it the OP is saying the son is the head off him.

I honestly don't have any advice for you OP. Are there any specialist groups/charities you could contact for guidance on this? You must be far from the first person to find themselves in this position.

MissShihTzu

Dial Hard wrote: »

From my reading of it the OP is saying the son is the head off him.

Maybe so. I also got the impression the OP would like to know for certain. That's why I suggested maybe asking around the mother's family first. I also think getting some counselling might be a good idea - perhaps he and his wife together. Both of them need to get their heads around this. The emergence of a possible older brother will impact his new family also.

justfillmein

20years to cop on

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

justfillmein, you're around long enough to know that reply is below Personal Issues standard. Please remind yourself of what is expected by rereading the Forum Charter.

justfillmein

I knew i'd probably get a slap for saying that but I couldn't help myself.
it was by far the shortest and 'nicest' reply I had.
I'm going to scroll past this type of post in future. way too personal for me

LegacyUser

I deserve that and the rest.

Its not though as if I never wanted to make a move before this point, I have. I've explained this situation to my GP years ago and he told me forget about it. In the beginning there was a lot of anger and a lot of fear. I've wanted to do the right thing for a long time now but to be honest fear and shame has held me back.
I know I've been extremely scummy for walking away in the beginning but when the time came when I felt I could face it I wondered were they better off left to get on with their life and not have me turning it up on its head.

Do you know I'm very sorry for what I've done. I've lived with the guilt for a long time. It has come to me in my dreams so many times, there has not been a day where I didn't think about them but I just could not put my first foot forward and for that I'll regret for the rest of my life.

Thanks for all replies.

Hannibal_Smith

What do you want help With? Moving on? You don't say (unless I misread), that you want to meet your son. Is it's help With moving on, talk to your wife and may be a counsellor?

Accidentally

Have a think about what you hope to gain from this. Do you want to get actively involved in his life, or do you just want him to know that his father is actually an okay human being.

The risk is that you cause a lot of pain and turmoil to your family and your son. You also need to remember that once you start down this road you won't have any control over where it goes and it may not end up how you imagine.

Graces7

Accidentally wrote: »

Have a think about what you hope to gain from this. Do you want to get actively involved in his life, or do you just want him to know that his father is actually an okay human being.

The risk is that you cause a lot of pain and turmoil to your family and your son. You also need to remember that once you start down this road you won't have any control over where it goes and it may not end up how you imagine.

Wise wise words. My own father,who abandoned his family, once came back suddenly into my life after a gap of many years and the result was catastrophic. On me I mean.

georgina toadbum

What are you hoping to gain from all of this? If you are indeed is father are you hoping to be part of his life now? He might not want you in his life.

Beatrice_

Firstly, I just want to say well done turning your life around. You sound like you're in a much better place. You're very fortunate in that you've a supportive, understanding wife. Does she encourage contact?

You repeatedly say that you have no right to contact your son, but I don't believe that to be true. I think you absolutely have the right to try. I firmly believe everyone deserves forgiveness, if they are truly sorry.

You don't really know what his mother has told him all of these years. She could have made up anything at all. He may have grown up believing another man was his father, you just don't know.

I think what you should do is message him. Introduce yourself, tell him you knew his mum a very long time ago and that you're very sorry for his loss. If he replies, he may ask how you knew his mum (if he doesn't already know your name), at which point I'd ask him if he'd like to meet for a coffee, you've a lot to say.

If you can get to that point, ask him what he knew of his father. All you can do is gauge his responses, and go from there. If he says that he never knew him, tell him the story of you and his mum not being in a great place many years ago, and what she eventually told you. He may be shocked, may even leave. Then again, he might stay for the rest of the story. Tell him about your wife and family, and that you'd like to stay in contact, even be there for him if he needs it.

He may not react well at first, but leave the ball in his court. Leave a number with him, and take it from there. How involved you want to be in each others lives after that is up to both of you.

I think this regret won't go away, and that it would be a mistake to let the opportunity slide. Life is too short, and enough time has been wasted.

Connect with him, best of luck to you. I really hope it all works out for you and your son.

Neyite

If you are going to make contact with him, the it's probably best to keep it to a brief message with your contact details and letting him know that if he wants to get in touch it's up to him.

Honestly, I don't think lying or pretending you used to be a friend of his mother's then admitting you are his dad after a few meetings is a good method. It's best to be honest from the start if you ever want any trust to develop. Drop him a card or letter sympathising with his recent loss, share a nice memory you had of his mother that isn't about you and her's relationship, and leave your contact details saying that you think you might be his biological father.

He's lost the only biological parent he ever knew - he might have a terrific step dad or family though. He's still pretty young so his bereavement must be hard.

It will be up to him though if he wants contact. He may never get in touch with you. But if you've told him where to find you that's all you can do.

redshoes15

Wouldn’t suggest making contact with this kid at all to be honest. His mother most likely told him of the history between you and her and I’d imagine his opinion of you is very low (apologies if that comes across as harsh but it’s the reality of the situation). This kid is grieving for the only parent he’s most likely ever known. You showing up and him being told he has however many siblings would be a total head melt. Let him come to you, if and when he decides to. Leave him be to live his life. You made a decision a number of years ago and now have to deal with the consequences. Again if that seems harsh apologies.If you do contact him I would in absolutely no way agree with what a previous poster has said about contacting him under false pretenses. You will only add further hurt and confusion.

Newsgirl

Graces7 wrote: »

Wise wise words. My own father,who abandoned his family, once came back suddenly into my life after a gap of many years and the result was catastrophic. On me I mean.

The same happened to me. My father reappeared when I was 19, with a new wife in town, and just when I was getting to change my mind about him and getting to know his new family, he decided he no longer wanted to see me. The effect of that rejection had lifelong consequences on my ability to trust other people and form healthy relationships.
If you are going to get in touch, I'd recommend thinking about whether you're prepared to be part of his life for the long haul. He may have stored up some resentment and you would have to win him over and explain why you weren't suited to being a father when he was a child. If you're genuinely interested in starting a long-term relationship with him and you're honest about who you were and how you've changed, he'll see that.
Probably best not to pretend to be a friend of his mother's from the outset -- that could cause further trust issues:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the honest replies even the ones that can be hard to hear.

The reason I wanted to make contact was for his benefit not mine. I feel that redshoes has hit the nail on the head.

The death of his Mother, whom I had hated for so long because of the way I was messed around, hit me more than any other death I have experienced ( including my own Brother). I'm very sorry She has passed.

Today I contacted a local social services centre ( normally for children) and they pointed me in the direction they felt was more suitable.

orthsquel

You've been sitting on this for most of 20 years... and all those feelings. Fear, shame and guilt are emotions are mentioned more than once. Where are you at the moment OP, emotionally and mentally about what happened 20 years ago?

To be very honest, I'd put contacting the young man on hold. You've just found out that his mother passed away, of which was a great shock to you, as you mentioned. You've been holding onto negative feelings from that time.
You have or are carrying a lot of baggage from the past and unless you have resolved those feelings of guilt, shame and fear (by counselling) you should not be dragging those feelings into the relationship and acting out of those with your son (to put the past right, to do right, to alleviate feelings of guilt, reacting to the death of his mother rather than responding to it), even if it were indirectly and unintentionally.

I'd be concerned that unless you have resolved past feelings they will become the basis of a relationship and motivation for contacting him, rather than relationship building... that you'd be doing it out of guilt or to set yourself for another round of beating yourself up for not being there rather than a genuine paternal desire to know the child. You need to start on an equal footing and if you're still dealing with feelings of guilt and shame, there's an imbalance on your side.

If you haven't already get counselling for your own feelings first and then when you're in a better position mentally and emotionally, evaluate getting into contact with him. I'm not discouraging contacting him, but what the child probably doesn't need, is an adult wandering into their life promising the world out of guilt and shame, promising security and not delivering or failing to live up to it because of the guilt and shame and not being able to move on from the past. It would make things confusing for him and what to him your motivations are and could end up sabotaging any potential for a relationship in the future.

There's a rawness to what you've expressed in the opening post and I'd be concerned that if you're still dealing with those emotions from the past, it would potentially sully the future with your son and start things on quicksand.

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to write such a long and very accurate post.

Mentally it can be very difficult at times. Since the beginning I couldn't understand and make clear in my own head why I did it. I went over and over thousands of times the whole situation to find a reason to understand why.

I was not part of the pregnancy, birth, never approached by the Mother and then bang, over a year later I'm hit with it.
It was horrible. It was a horrible way to go about it and from the starting point there was no bond.

Before I found out of her recent death I had it managed to a certain extent, I had to for my own familys sake. It took years to accept firstly what I had done and why and secondly accept that the boy is my Son from which I confirmed over a year ago from social media. I genuinely searched regularly for his Mother since then to try a have a chance of making contact. This death has brought it back to the start emotionally.

I'm going to look at counselling as suggested because I do think it's needed.

Thanks again for all the replies.

Unshelved

Barnardo's offer a post-adoption service - counselling people before an adopted person meets up with a birth parent, or for a birth parent before they meet their child. As your situation is a bit similar to this, it might be an idea to contact them and set up a meeting with a social worker or counsellor. They could help to tease out your feelings about what you really want out of this situation and managing your expectations going forward, as well as giving you an idea as to how your child might be feeling. Maybe start with taking a look at their website - www.barnardos.ie ? Good luck with whatever you decide.

nikkibikki

Whatever you do, don't lie to him. One lie will ruin any trust and hope he might grow to have in you. Don't pretend to be an old friend of his mother's. Chances are he has been told your name so he'll know straight away that it's lies.

You will never make peace with this until you try to reach out to him.

A short message is all that's needed.

I think I might be your biological father. If you ever want to get in touch to find out for sure, here's my number. I was very sorry to hear of your mother's passing.

LegacyUser

Can I ask those posters, Grace's 7 and Newsgirl was it devastating the fact your Father came back in to your life or the fact he came back and left again? And I what way did it make you feel, him returning.
Also did you know your Father before he left?
Thanks

tupenny

Leave him alone.
He's dealing with enough.
You abandoned them both. You turning up now won't help.

TresGats

This is eerily similar to a situation I am privy to, old acquaintance and sometimes friend, in that instance the mother moved on after getting pregnant, met a new guy and the child believed this guy to be his dad.

I am really on the fence , as your son may believe someone else is his dad as in the case with my deceased friend. Then again, you could be great support for him. I would agree with the posters who suggest agency involvement and counselling as to the best approach to take.

Good luck, and fair play to you for turning things around.

Kablamo!

If you are thinking of contacting him, I would recommend giving him some time after the death of his mother before dropping this on him.
Two months after my father passed away, a half brother of mine appeared out of the woodwork (belonging to my mother, oddly enough) and it really wasn't the right time to learn something like that. I was already trying to mentally adjust to my new family unit and it was very difficult to process with everything else I was going through.

wiggle16

I have to say you should go for it OP - it sounds like you already have enough "what if's" on your mind about the past without living with this "what if" for the rest of your life.

Part of the reason I say so is because, at the moment, the ball is entirely in your court. You have no way of knowing if he has any information about you at all. If he does want to contact you, he likely has no way of finding out who you are. At least by contacting him, you are giving him the option.

A couple of posts (quite correctly) asked how you can be sure he is your son. I take it from your posts that you think he is the spit of you, but that can be subjective, or simply a coincidence - the truth is that until you do a DNA test, you cannot be completely certain. I think that's something you should bear in mind if you do make contact: you might well be told you have made a mistake. But don't hesitate based on that possibility. If you are mistaken and make contact, you will not have done the lad any harm. He'll just tell you, nope, you have the wrong guy.

I would contact him, but keep it to a short offer of availability should he wish to contact you at any point in the future, and then leave it to him. Don't lie about who you are. In all likelihood you will not get an answer, but at the very least you know you tried, and did a decent thing by giving him the option. Without sounding excessive, I would also say give it a year before making contact - his mother's death will still be quite raw at the moment and you entering the picture right now would not be fair.

Lastly, don't beat yourself up over it OP. I'm sure you've been doing that for 20 years already. A couple of posters have taken issue with what you did and have had a go at you, which you say you deserve - no, you don't. The only person who has any right to determine that or to judge you is your son, so don't pay any mind to people projecting their own hurt onto you. Every situation is different.

You are very lucky to have a family and in particular a partner willing to support you through this, so I second the recommendation to go for counselling before going any further and to involve her in that.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do x

Newsgirl

Guiltyone wrote: »

Can I ask those posters, Grace's 7 and Newsgirl was it devastating the fact your Father came back in to your life or the fact he came back and left again? And I what way did it make you feel, him returning.
Also did you know your Father before he left?
Thanks

Hi. I hadn't really known him before, just what I'd heard my mother say about him, none of which was good. They were forced by both sets of my grandparents to get married when they were very young because my mother was pregnant. It lasted five turbulent years, and the only memories I had of him were not pleasant and my aunts later told me he had affairs. He moved to England and my mother married again. I argued a lot with my mother and stepfather when I went to college because of their lack of financial support and decided to find out for myself what my father was like.
When I reached out to my father's parents, they gave me his contact details in London and he paid for me to visit him there a few times. On the last weekend, he brought me to an Irish pub and kept buying me pints of Guinness, which I, at 18, wasn't able for. I got sick in his car on the way home and he drove me to the airport silently. A few weeks later, he sent me a letter saying I had a problem with alcohol, that I would never make anything of my life, and that he never wanted to see me again.
About 15 years later, when I was in the midst of a relatively successful career, he emailed me and wanted to see me again. But I refused as I never forgot his rejection of me and the hurt continues to this day (I'm in my 40s).
I wouldn't really compare what my father did to your experience. Your son might be very happy to meet you -- after he has had the time and space to start dealing with the grief of his mother. I would caution that if you do meet him, make sure you're prepared to have a long-term relationship with him and accept him, warts and all. Best of luck!

Big Bag of Chips

I know now that you found out about his mother you are interested in meeting him. But it's been 20 years. You've known about him for a few years and haven't approached him. So this isn't something that needs to be decided on in the next few weeks. I would also strongly advise against approaching him with "I knew your mother years ago" and gauging his reaction. You have to be honest from the outset.

Which is why you might be better trying to make contact with a family member first, rather than him directly to find out what he know/believes about his father. You know his mother's name. Look through his friends' list for relatives. Had she siblings? Parents? I'd also suggest getting the help of a group, or agency who specialise in this. I'd imagine it's very common these days.

LegacyUser

I've booked an appointment with a private counsellor starting next week. It's something I should have done a long time ago. At the moment I'm on autopilot because I'm racked with guilt. I made a very dishonourable decision all those years ago.
I agree about contacting a family member first and not the boy is a better idea just not right away. I'll have to find out who is the 'head' of the family and take it from there. It scares the hell out of me but I'll have to deal with that when the time comes.

Thanks for the reply on your own situation Newsgirl, sorry it didn't work out.
In my job there's been a couple of younger guys I spoken with over the years ( they don't know about my situation, I think) who's Fathers walked out when they were kids. One spoke about sending his Father a letter years later and the other approached his Father when he was a bit older and both were rejected. I wish I had the opportunity these young mens Fathers had. A chance to put right a past wrong.
All I can say is whatever differences went on between the Mother and Father its the child that suffered, which isn't fair of course. In my own case I was so effected about the way things were handled and the news officially broken to me by the Mother I couldn't handle it for a long time, even thought about ending it all, quite a few times.
Over the past couple of years I began to accept everything but just could not see myself speaking with the Mother ever again, it's part of the reason I could not reach out.
I came up with a plan that if I was driving around with work or if our paths crossed I would have sorry written on my palm and hold it up, sounds very weird I know. Also said to myself if I saw her when I was walking I'd just call out her name and see what happens.

Thanks Wiggle16 for that. I think I can apply for a birth cert online with few details to see if my name is on it. I don't want to do this though without engaging in my counsellor first as I think that could have a very hard impact on me mentally.

Newsgirl

Try not to beat yourself up about the past. What matters now is how you handle the future:-)

badboyblast

Best of luck OP, go for it and make a big effort, it's never too late to reconcile with anyone

clickhere

Newsgirl wrote: »

Hi. I hadn't really known him before, just what I'd heard my mother say about him, none of which was good. They were forced by both sets of my grandparents to get married when they were very young because my mother was pregnant. It lasted five turbulent years, and the only memories I had of him were not pleasant and my aunts later told me he had affairs. He moved to England and my mother married again. I argued a lot with my mother and stepfather when I went to college because of their lack of financial support and decided to find out for myself what my father was like.
When I reached out to my father's parents, they gave me his contact details in London and he paid for me to visit him there a few times. On the last weekend, he brought me to an Irish pub and kept buying me pints of Guinness, which I, at 18, wasn't able for. I got sick in his car on the way home and he drove me to the airport silently. A few weeks later, he sent me a letter saying I had a problem with alcohol, that I would never make anything of my life, and that he never wanted to see me again.
About 15 years later, when I was in the midst of a relatively successful career, he emailed me and wanted to see me again. But I refused as I never forgot his rejection of me and the hurt continues to this day (I'm in my 40s).
I wouldn't really compare what my father did to your experience. Your son might be very happy to meet you -- after he has had the time and space to start dealing with the grief of his mother. I would caution that if you do meet him, make sure you're prepared to have a long-term relationship with him and accept him, warts and all. Best of luck!

I'm delighted you got on with your life and were successful Newsgirl. Who needs people like that in there lives.

Newsgirl

Thank you, Clickhere. That's very kind of you. Hopefully the OP will get some resolution.